There’s a card in my wallet you should know about. On the card are specific instructions and a number to call. Call that number and SUNY will come for me. It’s all been pre-arranged. Just call the number and when SUNY asks what is this in reference to…say …this is most important… SHMUCK NUMBER ONE…SHMUCK NUMBER ONE is my password. I am SHMUCK NUMBER ONE. Me. Ken Schwartz. That’s my M.O. All my life it’s been. Like the time I bowled with the inventor of Sweet & Low and asked him for a job. He said, “Ken, what can you do for me?” (beat) “I don’t know,” I said. I felt like such a shmuck. (beat) Sunday mornings I played tennis with George and Mickey. Sometimes Manny, the history professor from Brooklyn College, or Joel, the psychiatrist who needed a psychiatrist. When I asked Joel why a person would see a psychiatrist, Joel would say…(mimics JOEL) … “Because they’re crazy.” (beat) Joel was SHMUCK NUMBER TWO. (beat) Mickey, the accountant who played tennis…he was SHMUCK NUMBER THREE. Mickey swore husbands paid him…..
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- Written by: Mark Levine