Ahhhh! Oh My God did you get it? Please tell me you got it…OH MY GOD…I think I’m having a heart attack. If you didn’t get it, tell me because I am not coming down from this chair until you tell me that that God forsaken creature of the unknown dark crevices of the earth has been squished, squatted, plummeted, or dismembered in some way for good!!!! (Beat) I’m sorry, that was really crazy of me, I just…I just really hate bugs. No, like I really hate them. When I was a little girl, I saw a guy get his leg eaten off by a herd of fire ants. It was my uncle, actually and I suppose it was his own fault for stomping over it with his motorcycle and then proceeding to stick his foot down there as he shouted, “I AM JEFF, KING OF THE ANTS…FEAR ME!!” I guess he didn’t realize that, well, quite a few of them heard him…and fear they did not. Later that night we were all watching television in his living room when he started to feel something moving up and down his leg. At first he started scratching a bit, and then scratching some more, until we all couldn’t help but notice something wasn’t right. Then he began to scream out in pain and started doing this sort of half jig half aerobic squat thing with the lower half of his body until he finally pulled up his pant leg and there they were…..
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- Written by: Amanda B. Goodman