THE BIRCH BARK DIET

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FEMALE
COMEDIC

20-40
YEARS OLD

My boyfriend says I’ve got “junk in the trunk.” I don’t know why he’s so smug. You ask me, he’s the one carrying a spare tire. Did you know that the spare they carry around in a car is called a donut? How’s a girl supposed to go on a diet with all this food around her? Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me on that one. I should own stock in the diet industry. I’ve Zoned, Atkinsed, Weight Watched, Jenny Craiged and Lucille Robertsed my way through the diet circuit. Remember Susan Powter? “Stop the insanity!” I think she musta’ gone insane cuz no one’s heard of her in a long time. So now I’m thinking of starting my own diet – “The Cardboard Diet.” Why not? After awhile everything I eat tastes like cardboard, anyway. Ever eaten a rice cake? Cardboard. How about those diet bars? Okay, I’ll admit they taste more like sawdust. Maybe I’ll expand the diet to include woodchips. The Native Americans do it up north. They make art out of their birch bark bitings. I saw it on a documentary once. They fold the birch bark in four and sink their teeth into it. The marks from their teeth combined with the stain of their saliva make a picture.....

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  • Written by: Joyce Storey

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