Monologues » Male/Female Monologues

Male/Female Monologues

Male/Female Monologues are gender-neutral. Either a male or female can perform them with equal success. You know from seeing other performs work, a monologue can play very differently, depending on the performer and their individual understanding of the piece. Whichever male/female monologue you choose, put your personal stamp on it and make it your own!


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    Last night I heard my mom and dad talking about Roger. He’s been my very best friend since I was born. He is always happy to see me. He licks my face as soon as I get home from school. I used to take him outside every day, but he doesn’t want to go for walks anymore. When I get his leash and say, “Come on, boy, let’s go for a walk” he still gets excited. He wags his tail and looks at me, but th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Everyone knows that ghosts aren’t real, but monsters, well, maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. When I was a little kid I had one living under my bed. Finally, my mom got me a dog and Skippy kept him away until he moved out of our house forever. It’s a good thing, because sharing my room with a monster was really tricky. I didn’t usually think about him when I first went to bed. After brushing my teeth and getting my.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    9-16
    YEARS OLD
    Well, I think that went pretty well. I mean, I don’t think I was actually brilliant, but I think I did okay. There were four more people than they need for the team. Those are pretty good odds. Aren’t they? Only four of us will not make the team… What if they don’t pick me? Maybe I did totally suck! How embarrassing to be one of only four that doesn’t get picked. Only four!! I really wish hundreds of kids had come to the try-out. It would be way le.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    You already know that the best way to kill a vampire is to drive a wooden stake into its heart. You’d have to get pretty close to the vampire, though. Probably, you’d get bitten yourself in the process… It might be worth it, though, if say, the vampire was going after somebody really cute that I wanted to impress. That would be very noble, and becoming a vampire myself would actually be pretty cool…. But usually, you want to save yourself from a vampire. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-60
    YEARS OLD
    I was staring into my coffee-cup. The steam hypnotizes me and I begin ruminating over us – disagreements, missed opportunities, sex that's always missing something, you pulling away first when we hug - or screw, for that matter. Feeling unheard, misunderstood, missing each other in the air so often that we eat and breathe quiet frustration and contempt. I realized I’ve been here repeatedly, trying to construct a new path for us, a way to start over, get that spark back or make it work. But we can’t make more tha.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Any moment with you. Before you asked me, "If I had to relive one moment over and over again for eternity, what would it be?" I'd pick any moment with you. Any one. I don't care if I'm crying or you're breaking my heart… I could live in a moment for a th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Do I look like someone you could talk to? Do I give off a “best friend” aura or some other welcoming energy that reads, “Please tell me all your problems, each one of your wildest dreams, beginning with childhood...”? Do you get that from me? Do you feel safe letting me into your life? To your story from beginning to end? What, specifically about me, who for the record, is a.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    Are we there yet? (groans) I know that makes me sound like a five-year-old, but I can't help it. I'm so tired of sitting on this bus. Overnighters are the worst. I should have just paid the extra night in the hostel. I can't feel my left arm. That huge woman who got off at the last stop was sitting beside me. She fell asleep against my arm and pinned me to the back of my seat. I tired to move out of her way but she wouldn't bu.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t get art. We went on a field trip to this museum and the teacher showed us a picture of some guy with a face made of a shovel. I dunno, I guess someone thought it was cool cuz the curator guy said it’s worth a bunch of thousands of dollars, but I have no idea why. Imagine if he’d used a pitchfork or maybe a rake! What would that be worth? Hey, maybe the guy should make a whole series of ‘em. He could make a killing! Whoa! I should do it! I don’t know if I can paint, but how hard can it be.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    You know how sometimes you just don’t want to do as you’re told? Why should you? Why should anyone get to tell someone else what to do just because they are older? Sometimes I just want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to listen to adults. Do your homework........
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    You a dog with your bow wow face. What you doing on my block, dog? This street is for pretty people. You ain’t pretty. You ain’t nothin’. What you going to do about it? You so scared you can’t even speak. You a skinny little thing. You look like a string bean. And I hate string beans. I hate all kinds of vegetables. You a vegetable. Do you know that’s what you are? You gay, too, I bet. You gay, aren’t you? You so gay you turn green like a string bean. Gay string bean. That yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Um, Mrs. Thompson, I have a very important question to ask you about your daughter’s birthday present. Umm, it's very important. Did I say that already? See, here's the thing...can I buy her a bunny? I know you already have a hamster and a couple of cats and whatever that other thing in the cage is, but Skyler really needs a bunny. So can I? Please? Can I buy her a bunny? I know she'd really love it an.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I’m looking for money for Chick-fil-A. Where can I find some? I know I have my allowance, but this is food. Isn’t it the parents’ responsibility to provide food and shelter for their kids? You’re the ones who brought us into the world in the first place. You should have realized we’d want to go to Chick-fil-A. Don’t they teach you that in parent school? It’s the first thing I’d put on the curriculum. Well, right after time to play wii. I know you’re cooking tonight but I have basketball practice. Besides, everyone on the tea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    University applications sure want to know a lot about you, Mom. I didn't know where you got your Ph.D. so I Googled it. How come they’re so interested in you? I'm the one applying to their school. I mean, you went to college like a hundred years ago. I don't see how that’s relevant today. Do you think I can just give them a link to your website and skip over all these historical questions? They expect me to have this ridiculous G.P.A. but they’re cutting into my study time. Is that really fair? I think I’ll write a letter to the Provost and complain. Is he the head gu.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Raise your hand if you can hear me, raise your hand if you can hear me, raise your hand-- GUYS, JUST SHUT UP. Because I want to tell you something right now from the bottom of my heart. I have taught theater in community colleges for three years now. And is this class right here the best class I’ve ever taught? No, not even close. Are you the worst? Pretty much, yes. Do I believe in you? Not yet. So, if you forget your lines tonight or you .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, this hotel is super amazing! Do you think they have a bathroom here? I need to go to the bathroom. Actually, I need to go pretty bad. See? I'm doing the dance. I can't help it! Do you think anyone's looking? Can I hide behind you? Do you think they'll know why I'm dancing? Or will the.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    What's the city gonna do? Lock me up for hangin’ out with these people? These are my friends. I tell ya, I was born during the day but it wasn't yesterday. It takes me back. Thirty years. Thirty years! This is really messed up. I'm tryin’. I'm tryin’ real hard. But y'all.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    16-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know it’s illegal in the state of Alabama to charge money where dancing bears are wearing a dress? Which begs the question: Who comes up with this stuff??! And the bigger question: Why? Did someone once offend a female dancing bear? Maybe they didn’t tip her enough and her husband got PO’ed. Or perhaps they over tipped her and he got really ticked. Or maybe she was just coyote ugly and the whole place started to riot. Maybe her parents.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Dear Mom & Dad, I’m not in Jersey City anymore. I’ve been sitting in front of the computer trying to think of colorful things to write about this colorful city I am living in now and all the colorful people I am living with so bare with me a while as I try to put together something articulate for Dad and you to chew on. The last thing I want you to do is worry about me. In order for that to be the case I have to be careful what I say and how I say it which means the risk of me not saying much at all is a distinct possibility as you both know. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    9-15
    YEARS OLD
    So, here’s the thing. I don’t actually know how I feel about my parents getting a divorce. Do I wish that my mom and dad still lived together? Well, yeah, I guess so. Isn’t that what every kid is supposed to want? It’s a pain packing up my stuff and going over to my da.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    6-11
    YEARS OLD
    Draw my family. You want me to draw my family? Why? Shouldn’t we just draw anything we want to draw? Maybe I feel like drawing a flower today, or a spaceship, or maybe I want to draw the whole universe. You always want all the pictures up on the wall of the classroom to l.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    16-23
    YEARS OLD
    August 24th. The day I got my driver’s permit. I was 15 and ready to show everyone how cool I was, even with my Mom riding shotgun. I walked out of the DMV staring down at the piece of plastic in my hands. “Can we go back and retake my picture?” “That depends, do you want to drive now or later?” Mom replies. I make a beeline for the driver’s side and my Mom does just about the coolest thing ever. She tosses me the keys over the car. I completely fumble, but make a quick recovery. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The engine roars to life and I hit the gas. 24.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Eight thousand four hundred. NO!!! Eight thousand and eighty. (beat) EIGHTY!!! You said four hundred. I’m saying eighty because eighty is what...You don’t have four…You have eighty. Eighty is yours. I know you wanted eight thousand four hundred but you don’t have eight thousand four hundred. Eight thousand and eighty is all that’s left in the account. The four hundred is gone. Forget the four hundred. Eight thousand four hundred just isn’t real. Eight thousand four hundred is an illusion. I understand. Y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    2min
    20-70
    YEARS OLD
    I know I’m fat. “Chubby,” say the fake and timid. I’m not thin, athletic or fluffy-but-really-cuddly-with-a-stunning-face and magnetic eyes. I’m not magazine-cover-HOT, even when I’m almost thin. I have a problem, an obvious, socially and legally acceptable addiction, one that my brain associates with survival because I HAVE to eat. I’ve been eating too much for so long that my dopamine, serotonin and endorphin levels DEPEND upon me over-indulging. My brain DEMANDS that I eat more, even when I’m trying to abstain. My appearance makes people uncomfortable, incl.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-65
    YEARS OLD
    So, when I got fired 3 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 47 seconds ago, I was pretty messed up. Below rock bottom. And as I was replaying my termination over in my head, I thought, “This story sucks. It's so pathetic. It has no vroom.” I mean, fire me like a badass because if you're not going to do it with some damn compassion, then Ja.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that Friendly’s offers “Delicious Beginnings and Happy Endings”? Their unfortunate slogan is written right on the back of their menu by the desserts. By the time I got to “warm gooey super melts” I had to stop reading because I was blushing so much. Hasn’t their marketing department ever heard of a Chinese message parlor? Apparently they’re a family restaurant with a very adult menu. Dare I ask what you can order on the side?! Yikes! O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I just finished my math homework in like half an hour. That was the most productive half hour of my life! I should quit math. I’m a genius! I must be a genius if I finished so fast, right? Why do I need math? Or the rest of school, for that matter? Geniuses don’t need school, do they? Why would they, if they know everything already? I talked to one of the geniuses at the Mac Store the other day. I asked him if he was born a genius of if he became one. He said he became one from helping his Mom with her computer problems. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    9-15
    YEARS OLD
    Wow, this is amazing! Just look at this! This is the coolest thing ever. When I was a little kid, my mom read me a story about the Redwood Forest, and I’ve wanted to come here ever since. Some of the trees here are so big, even when my mom and dad and brother and I all try to put our arms around one, our fingers.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Do you think goblins are real? Tommy said there's a goblin in my closet and it's going to eat me unless I do his chores for a week. And that made me scared - not the part about the chores; I mean the goblin - But I pretended it didn’t. But then I got thinking…how come it didn't.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that in Alamosa, CO it is illegal to throw grenades at passing cars? Yup, it’s an actual law. I’m not sure if the same holds true for throwing them at people, but where cars are concerned, the fine lawmakers of Alamosa have spoken. I think I may pack up my family and move there! I’d feel better knowing my Ford Escalade is in safe hands. Or do you think an Escalade rates as a truck and is.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    I hate holidays. Everyone at this time of year is gearing up for family gatherings and Mom’s homemade cookies, while I’m trying to find ways to get out of it all. “I twisted my ankle walking down the stairs, so I can’t walk anywhere; Doctor’s orders,” or “I must have eaten something really weird last night. I can’t keep anything down.” Don’t get me.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    1.5min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Think of everything we did this year. Think of how much fun we had. Think of moving in. And how awkward it was. And unpacking our stuff. And not knowing what to do the first night. Think of the hypnotist show. That dumb hypnotist show where nobody was really hypnotized but we all pretended to be hypnotized because we’re freshman in college.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    I don't like tomatoes! They're gross. I don't care if they're good for me, they're yucky! Like really, really yucky. They're all runny and stuff and they have seeds and I don't like seeds. Well, maybe I do. I don't know about that part for sure cuz you can't taste the seeds cuz of the yuck around them. I don't get why Mom always wants me to eat stuff that's good for me. Why can't it just be stuff I like? You .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.45min
    9-16
    YEARS OLD
    You see, Mrs. Smith, I can’t do laps today because my doctor forbids it. (Beat) No, I know what it says. See, dis-in-breath-opulus is a very serious condition that I currently have. It means that if I get out of breath that my entire system could shut down and I could faint…or die. Well, maybe not die, but there’s a good chance that if I fainted and was standing near something dangerous, say, near one of these very old, wooden, and.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    I still don’t like tomatoes. They’re still yucky and gross, and in all my years of living I have not once enjoyed them unless they were in their angelic form as packets of ketchup. My mom swears they will surely be an ingredient in the cure for cancer. Just yesterday she offered to come over and make dinner - I should’ve known something was up from that suggestion alone - I've been cooking for myself for the last thirty- something ye.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    I got some news for our Father who art in heaven. He left this world in awful shape. Yes he did. I see how people treat each other. They're scared o’ one another. That's not good. If I fall and splat blood all over the place, not one human being is gonna pick me up. Well, maybe one. Yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-55
    YEARS OLD
    Your honor, I don't understand why I'm here. I've done nothing wrong. I'm talking about the fact that I’m sitting here watching my life slip away in some weird outer body experience. Give me the death penalty instead. I would rather die than sit here next to these defective humans. Kevin spreads grass on his lunch because he believes it's m.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Lee in a chair with a notebook and pen having just deliberately run into someone) Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to run into you with my wheelchair! I’m sorry. Sorry. Having a bad leg day. I apologize. Fell out of the wrong side of the bed. Right on top of my colostomy bag. Shit went everywhere. All up the walls and over the duvet. I think the bag’s blocked. Could you have a look for me? Maybe you could unblock it!? No? Then so long, good riddance, may you live in exciting times! (Watching person go and then writes in notebook): Male. Tall. Blonde hair. Thirty-ish. Eight Points. (Looking up) Next! (Turns to audience) Oh, sorry, haven’t introduced myself. I’m Lee. Cripple Lee. As you can see, I’m vertically challenged. (Looking from side to side) Here come.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    They say, "If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be." But what if you love something so much that you don’t want it to come back? Because if it comes back, it’ll feel so much worse. I knew that if he couldn’t be everything I wanted him .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    (To self) Shall I paint, take a shower, thumb wrestle myself...? Maybe I should scoop the rotting dog turds from the yard. It would just seem so much more satisfying if I actually owned a dog. Gotta love those neighbors for deciding that leashes are a form of animal abuse. I could get a dog in retaliation. I’m too boring to even be a sad Lifetime movie. Gotta add more “Jerry Springer is a contestant on Maury Povich” to my life first. I could send another resume for a job described as fascinating and rewarding, but is really just another underpaid.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s so still on the prairies. Eerie. Like God didn’t want humans trespassing on his domain so he designed the prairies as a gigantic “Do Not Disturb” sign. People who were born here say there’s nothing like that big prairie sky. Me, I just see bleak, barren desolation. Like I’m at the end of the earth and no one will ever know I’ve just faded into the landscape. It’s not so hard to do. I can see for miles, but there’s nothing to see. Driving down the highway is hypnotic in its austerity. My eyes play tricks on me. I keep hoping to find civil.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    1.5min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Mikey. You are such a good man. And I love our little adventures and I love when you got stuck on the zipline and I laughed so hard that the pain in my stomach was overbearing and I love seeing you when I get home from work and I love eating all the random shit you cook and I love hearing you pronounce the name of the shit you cook. And is it a party every day, bein.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.25min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    It's not a big deal, you asking to hold the remote. Why would you say that? I mean, I can let go. I don't need to be in control. I am totally and completely the master of letting go, totally and completely relaxed -- wait! Stop, you fast-forwarded too far. That's not a commercial; that's the show. But it's okay. Just hit the little button with the circle arrow on it -- yeah, e.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Mister, you can't park here! The ice cream truck will be here any minute! If you park here he might not stop and I've got money from my mom and I'm gonna get a chocolate cone with sprinkles. I know you can't hear him. That's cuz he's not here yet but I got a text from Francine that he's on her block and he always comes to our block next. Well, he's not actually at Francine's block yet but he will be soon. She got a text from her BFF Charlene that he's almost at her house and you know he alwa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me? Excuse me. Excuse me. There seems to be some confusion here. I ordered plain. Yes. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. I saw them put cheese on it. I don’t have to open it. I saw. Can you just please have them make me a plain one? Thank-you. No, not that one. I don’t want a pre-made one. It’ll have pickles on it. The last time I got pickles, and I hate pickles. They infect the taste. You can’t even cover it with ketchup. Have them make a fresh one. Well, please ask t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Someone save me from my postgraduate HELL!!! I am two seconds away from murdering my unforgiving pimp, also known as Sallie Mae! I'm convinced she has no soul. Can I live, Sallie?! Can I enjoy my post graduate existence without the daily reminders that the astronomical debt that I know I signed my life away to pay will be due in 6 short months? Trust me, I haven’t forgotten, so please STOP sending me bills, that aren't really bills. S.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Can I borrow that pen? I mean, I'm sorry, I usually always have a pen -- big believer in pens, love pens. Some people, they like their phones and iPads and whatnot, but me, I like a good ol' pen. And some paper, of course. Don't work too well without that, the pen. But I was leaving the house in a hurry because I got this lett.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    So, I saw this post on Instagram that said, "If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die." That is, of course, unless you have a bad breakup. Then you will certainly die a most horrible death. Guaranteed. It will probably begin with some antagonizing alliteration where alligators delightfully devour your semi lifeless limbs like a delicious appetizer. Or they could strip you and expose your naked truth and proceed to rape your soul, figuratively speaking, of course. They could delve into the details o.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    I remember him like it was yesterday, sitting there on that bus. I had to admire his spunk. He knew he was the laughing stock of the group, but he just stared out the window and pretended he didn’t notice. He must have been lonely. I don’t ever remember him having a friend. “Rodney-the-Toad.” I first came across Rodney when he was in tenth grade. He was smaller than the other students and quite stout. He wore thick glasses to correct his poor vision and he was quite unkempt. An avid reader, on his lunch break he liked to sit cross-legged on the floor engrossed in the weirdest, most obscure SciFi he could get his hands on. He did give the impression of being toad like. Thus, the nickname. He spoke with a pronounced lisp, but always with great authority and animation. Yep – Rodney was a walking target for humiliation. It didn’t seem to bo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-14
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you don’t understand! I can’t go back to school because the lunch lady hates me. Stop laughing, I’m serious! You know that mysterious “stomach flu” I had last month? Yeah, well Doctor Klein said it was probably due to nerves and Mr. Doctor guy was right, but what he didn’t know is that my nerves are also twisted with a side of rotten pudding! Yeah, that’s right, Mrs. Bootin, the lunch lady, served me expired pudding!!! I could tell because, not only was there a l.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    I have never been so nervous in my life! Mom and Dad got me this tutor and she comes to the house once a week and helps me cram all this stuff into my head. I was doing okay at first, but now everything is just a jumbled mess, like I turned dyslexic overnight or something. I can barely focus. I’m breaking into a cold sweat. My whole world is riding on this on.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I killed my mother today. Psych! I didn’t kill her. I just imagined it in detail. Do you think that makes me unbalanced? Oh, come on, like you’ve never thought about it. Everyone wants to strangle their mom at least once in a lifetime, right? I mean it’s not like I did it or anything. But if I had, I would have lured her into the basement. The only problem with that plan is she has a bad hip and the stairs bother her, but I’d get her down there somehow because that’s where she’d be least likely to be hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    I think I’m gonna do my science project on laughing. I love to laugh, even when it gets me in trouble. I giggled in math class the other day cuz Justin Murphy was making cross-eyed faces at everyone in the back seats. He cracks me up! He’s sooooo funny. Anyways, the teacher got mad at me cuz I giggled the loudest of anyone. It was one of those great big belly laughs, ya know? I couldn’t help it! The guy’s hysterical! And I don’t think the teacher was really mad cuz when I couldn’t stop laughing, she cracked up too and then .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-25
    YEARS OLD
    I love signs! People write the craziest stuff on them. Sometimes they write funny things on purpose. You know, clever. Like the hair salon named “Curl up and Dye” or the sign on the funeral home that says, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” And sometimes there are signs that can be fun depending upon the way you interpret them. One of my personal faves is “Slow Children Crossing.” You usually see it in school zones or in the burbs. Now, what I wanna know is where.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.25min
    35-65
    YEARS OLD
    It could be lonely, laying in bed on a Friday night, just drunk enough not to be awake, just sober enough that sleep's impossible. Especially lonely because I'm in bed alone. But it doesn't feel that way. Because the window's open, and outside the city throbs -- the random squeals of traffic, small packs of people wobbling to and from the bars. Well, I say people, but I mean kids. Freshly printed drivers licenses ready to be.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-60
    YEARS OLD
    Officer! Oh… you’re investigating a homicide. Well, how can I help? Sure, you can ask me any questions you want. I’m the perfect example of an upstanding citizen, sir. Whatever you need. (Beat) Where was I the night in question? Umm, I can’t tell you that. (beat) Do I have an alibi? Uhh, I can’t tell yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    15-35
    YEARS OLD
    I am so sorry I’m late. Okay, yes, I know, I am very late. But I have a good reason. I was almost here, when I had to turn around, go back home and change my clothes. I was a mess - covered in mud from head to toe - no kidding - completely covered! Obviously, I couldn’t meet you looking like that. You should have seen me. It was so embarrassing. I stopped and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed. Well, you don’t want to look like an idiot, do yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    Where have you been, under a rock? Haven’t you watched the news? You’ll never in a million years guess what happened to me today! You know my twin brother, Alex, right? Well, we had band practice today so we both brought our instruments and metronomes. You know, those annoying things that tick like a clock and help you keep your tempo even? So I’m minding my own business in math class trying to figure out the square root of who-knows-what when the fire alarm goes off and we all have to evacuate the building. I’m thinking, “Yeah! No more math!” And I’m standing there on the lawn e.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    Arrrrg! I can’t stand it. If I have to make one more project cover, I’m going to scream. I like doing my homework, but why does everything have to have a title page? I can’t draw, all right? My teacher says everyone can draw, and mine look great. Right! She’s paid to say that. It’s not true. I did a project.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Did you hear that? I love the sound of the train whistle late at night. Makes me think of all those old movies with stowaway kids and vagabonds. All that adventure! Wouldn’t it be nice to just hop on a train and not know where you were headed? Fall asleep and wake up in some midwestern town ready to explore? I know, I’ve watched too much Disney Channel…but wouldn’t it be cool if you could leave everything behind and just start over? No worries about anything. Jus.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    That wind is loud tonight! It always makes me anxious. I keep waiting for the windows to shatter and the roof to tear off the house. I know I’m too old to hide under the covers in my bed, but secretly I do sometimes. Don’t tell anyone. I’d be the laughing stock around here. Like the bed sheets could keep me safe anyway. I’d run to the cellar, but everyone would think I’m nuts. And I guess I am in a way or I wouldn’t be so jumpy. It’s not that kind of storm. Logicall.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I like being vulnerable. I know most people are scared of it, but I actually enjoy it. I enjoy being open. The possibility of being hurt doesn’t frighten me. The risk actually excites me in a way when I think about it. It’s a rush. To entrust someone with your heart. Don’t get me wrong, my heart.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hey, hey, hey...Can you get any further into the crosswalk?! Hello, the crosswalk is for pedestrians...I am a pedestrian...You belong out there in the street, you stupid asshole. I stand over there on the sidewalk, also where pedestrians belong and I wait for the little white .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    8-15
    YEARS OLD
    What do I want to be when I grow up? Why? What could it possibly matter to you? Is that what you ask every kid you meet? I think I’ve heard that question 50 times just this week. I’ve started saying that I want to be a mortician, just to see the expression on their faces. They must.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Don't shoot!! Don't shoot!! I know you want something from me, I can tell by the gun you are pointing at me but I feel I must tell you that the doctor just put drops in my ears and I can't hear a thing!!!! What??!! Yeah, see, nothing. I can't hear you right now!! I want to comply to your request so why don't you just gesture on what you want? (Loo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Listen, I busted my ass to bust your sorry ass, and I’m going to get answers. I don’t care if it’s “inconvenient,” Mr. Leland. A woman is dead, so you can wipe that cheesy smirk off your face. Do you think it was “inconvenient” for her sister to come down to the morgue to ID the body? You have obstructed this investigation at every turn and I will hold you in this interrogation room until you rot if I have to. We have an eyew.......
    Price $3.99