• MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    You think I dreamed of being a flat-footed stiff whose most exciting moment in life is the day I got a new calculator? Well, I must admit that did kinda give me a chill. It’s sexy like a Steinway with its punchy click click click. The faster the better. I'm a speed demon! I'm a super hero! I have a cape but I never wear it in public. Clark Kent would never tip his hand like that. He'd hide in a phone booth but these days they’re hard to find. You can't hide behind a cell phone, so I'll have to perfect my superhero routine. I'll leap tall buildings in a single bound! Well, .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-50
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. She was glorious: Milky white skin, French manicure, long luxurious fingers. I usually hate smokers, but I would never have known her otherwise. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils, like me. She arrives to the office early everyday and carefully drapes her sweater over her chair. It will stay pressed, but conveniently close incase the office gets too cool, but it never does. She goes to g.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t get art. We went on a field trip to this museum and the teacher showed us a picture of some guy with a face made of a shovel. I dunno, I guess someone thought it was cool cuz the curator guy said it’s worth a bunch of thousands of dollars, but I have no idea why. Imagine if he’d used a pitchfork or maybe a rake! What would that be worth? Hey, maybe the guy should make a whole series of ‘em. He could make a killing! Whoa! I should do it! I don’t know if I can paint, but how hard can it be.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday was the worst day ever. You know how broke I am, right? Well I got this brainwave to sell off my old books and CDs to make some extra money. I’ve heard other people talk about doing it on eBay. So I drag out all my books, which I really shouldn’t be carrying, put them in a paper bag and go to work. Then after work I haul them all the way down to Strand Book Store only it rains on the way. Who knew we’d have a flash flood on the one day I want to sell my books? So I’m juggling these books with the busted bag and I finally get to Strand and the guy is a real jerk. Says they don’t buy books after four. I just lost it. I started screaming at him. I don’t know why. He just got to me. He was real.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Trying on a ring.) It’s absolutely stunning! You say it’s one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass-produced. So, how many karats? Lovely. I’ll probably pay cash for it but I want George to see it first. Too bad he’s in a big meeting. Tonight’s our anniversary. (Begins to remove the ring. It’s stuck.) Oh, dear. My hands always swell in the summer. (Licks her knuckle). Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? …$52,000! (Trying to remove ring.).......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Hit me one more time and you’re a dead man. I mean it, Al. I will take this stick and I will bash your brains in. I’ve had it. I cannot take one more minute. Oh, you stand there all high and mighty like you’re someone, but we both know you’re a poor excuse for a human being. What kind of sick bastard have you become? Does it make you feel powerful to swat me so hard I go flying across the room? I’ve had a bruised kidney, broken ribs, countless concussions. Remember the last time? You knocke.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Stacy texted Jody that you were BFFs with Karen now. Is that true? I thought you were my BFF. Remember we went behind the school and texted each other and did that thing with our pinky’s and spit on our phones and everything? Didn’t that mean anything to you? Cuz it was totally everything to me. My phone got all fogged up and stuff and my mom said it was from the moisture of the spit but I said it was worth it not to be able to read my texts anymore cuz I had my BFF Loren now, but my mom swapped out my phone cuz she said.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Dad? Can I have a grenade for my birthday? …Why not? …"Because I said so," is not a real answer. I think it's a parent copout. It's like you say that when you don't know what to say or something. So how about it? You can blow up a lot of stuff with one grenade. It's not like I'm being greedy and asking for a six-pack or anything. Just one'll be fine… No? Then what.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Um, Mrs. Thompson, I have a very important question to ask you about your daughter’s birthday present. Umm, it's very important. Did I say that already? See, here's the thing...can I buy her a bunny? I know you already have a hamster and a couple of cats and whatever that other thing in the cage is, but Skyler really needs a bunny. So can I? Please? Can I buy her a bunny? I know she'd really love it an.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    Woah! That was the coolest thing ever! When you get two of those chocolate covered ones with sprinkles, it clears everything!! Wow! That was so awesome. I beat the level and everything. Mom, you just don't understand. I've been working on this level for weeks. I'm so sick of clearing the jelly and now I finally did it! Now I know why they call it “Candy Crush.” A absolutely crushed it! What a rush! No, I am not obsessed with sugar. I do not nee.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    My introduction into the teaching profession was rough at best. I was twenty-one years old and fresh out of college when I landed a position teaching elementary music in a northern mining town. I was terrified, but I told myself, “Just get through the first day. You’ll be fine.” Kids had always liked me, and I really had no idea what to expect. Well, the first day turned out to be bedlam in the office and when I went to the school secretary to get my class lists, she was buried under a barrage of parents. She threw a list in my direction and pointed me toward a photocopier. I’ve never been very good with machines and this one was no exception. I hit the “on” switch and impatiently waited for it to warm up. Worried that my class would arrive before me, I quickly made an almost illegible copy and gave the original back to the secretary. My first class was grade six. They were intimidating, to say the least. One kid stood in a corner spinning in circles while another named Brian Good who I later dubbed “Bri.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    I’m such an idiot. I really thought he loved me. All that, “Oh baby, you’re so beautiful, you’re so great” crap. Lies. Everything. Every present, every text, every phone call. I can’t believe I fell for it. That lying, cheating scum. I was actually thinking of going all the way with him. Thank God I didn’t. Which is probably why he dumped me. And for Kelly Leffords of all people. Really? He couldn’t have better taste.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I’m looking for money for Chick-fil-A. Where can I find some? I know I have my allowance, but this is food. Isn’t it the parents’ responsibility to provide food and shelter for their kids? You’re the ones who brought us into the world in the first place. You should have realized we’d want to go to Chick-fil-A. Don’t they teach you that in parent school? It’s the first thing I’d put on the curriculum. Well, right after time to play wii. I know you’re cooking tonight but I have basketball practice. Besides, everyone on the tea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    University applications sure want to know a lot about you, Mom. I didn't know where you got your Ph.D. so I Googled it. How come they’re so interested in you? I'm the one applying to their school. I mean, you went to college like a hundred years ago. I don't see how that’s relevant today. Do you think I can just give them a link to your website and skip over all these historical questions? They expect me to have this ridiculous G.P.A. but they’re cutting into my study time. Is that really fair? I think I’ll write a letter to the Provost and complain. Is he the head gu.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, this hotel is super amazing! Do you think they have a bathroom here? I need to go to the bathroom. Actually, I need to go pretty bad. See? I'm doing the dance. I can't help it! Do you think anyone's looking? Can I hide behind you? Do you think they'll know why I'm dancing? Or will the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So will you do it? It’s not like I’m asking you to rob a bank or anything. Just tell your mom I’m going with you to the movie. It’s not totally a lie. I’ll probably see you there. I mean, if I can take my eyes off Jason. Can you believe the hottest guy in our class asked me out?! OMG, what am I going to wear? Do you think I’d look cuter in a dress or jeans? You know, the ones I have with the sequence on the pocket? Definitely jeans, right? I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard on our first date. Can I borrow your blue top? I think it would .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    You, sir, are a coward. A full fledged 100% certifiable, undeniable coward. You are a coward and a cad and I will not bestow upon you the satisfaction of rebuking your absurd accusations, nor stoop to the level of a lowly commoner such as yourself. You haven’t even the strength of character to declare your indictments to my face. You slink around in dark corners insulting my honor and integrity, as.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    What's the city gonna do? Lock me up for hangin’ out with these people? These are my friends. I tell ya, I was born during the day but it wasn't yesterday. It takes me back. Thirty years. Thirty years! This is really messed up. I'm tryin’. I'm tryin’ real hard. But y'all.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So I’m standing on line at Filene’s Basement, which by the way, is not in a basement. I had to take a ginormous escalator to get up to customer service. So why do they call it a basement? Geography was never my long suit, but doesn’t a basement by its very definition require the escalator to go down? Anyway, I’m standing there waiting to return six of the party dresses I’m not wearing to my cousin’s wedding cuz they’re just too hideous for words – what was I thinking?! - when this oddball guy gets in line behind me. I noticed him right.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    She calls to me. I ignore her. She persists. I refuse. She stubbornly invades my thoughts without permission. Again I block her. Like a lioness looking for a mate, she purrs at the challenge, stalking her prey. She seeps her way into my consciousness in a wispy feathery dream. She sprinkles soft kisses on my pillow and blows a gentle breeze in my hair. She knows it’s a matter of time. Strengthening my resolve, I push her out. She’s restless. I sense her. She wants to play. I want to take her right there, show her whose boss, but I resist. I always resist. In her sprite-like way she tickles my lips sending ripples of pleasure through my body. She taunts me again, whispering sweet unmentionables in my ear. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    16-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know it’s illegal in the state of Alabama to charge money where dancing bears are wearing a dress? Which begs the question: Who comes up with this stuff??! And the bigger question: Why? Did someone once offend a female dancing bear? Maybe they didn’t tip her enough and her husband got PO’ed. Or perhaps they over tipped her and he got really ticked. Or maybe she was just coyote ugly and the whole place started to riot. Maybe her parents.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-10
    YEARS OLD
    I can read, eat and dance at the same time. Do I get extra allowance for that? You gave extra to Jason just for getting his homework done by 9:00. And he didn’t even get all the answers right. He’s not very good at math. Maybe you should get him a tutor or something. And he only did one thing. I’m doing three. I know it’s not homework or anything, but it could be. I could be reading my story from Mrs. Mills’ class if I wanted to. It’s ju.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    You got a homeless guy on your block? I got a homeless guy in my house. And he's got keys! It's my brother! That mofo's the laziest ass guy you ever wanna meet. Let me tell ya, he gives new meaning to the word lazy. He brings the definition to an all time low! He pays my nephew to change the channel on the big ass.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must’ve been doing some wild drugs. They’re just a bunch of shiny rocks stuck in some gaudy ring or necklace. It’s not like you can actually do anything with them. They won’t create world peace or feed a bunch of starving kids in developing countries. Well, maybe they could feed someone if you pawned them, but then they’d be gone and you wouldn’t have them anymore, would you? Did you ever see those rich ladies with the leather tans that wear lots of them? I don’t really understand why, but they seem to like them a lo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    38-59
    YEARS OLD
    Honestly, I don’t know what I believe anymore, Ray. First you say you worked late, then you left on time, but stopped by the club to say hi to Tommy. Which is it, huh? And if I call up Tommy to verify your story will he get all the details right? Did you prep him beforehand or are you pulling this stuff out o’ your ass as you go? You think I’m a moron? I see, Ray. I have eyes. You’ve been screwin’ that slutty lookin’ secretary, haven’t you? Don’t bother to deny it. You’ll only dig yourself a deeper hole. Did you know you’.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-13
    YEARS OLD
    Why do I have to do the dishes? It’s not even my night. Isn’t Billy on trash? Well, dishes can be trash, can’t they? If they’re paper. Why don’t we use paper dishes? Is that bad for the environment? It works for McDonalds. They wouldn’t do anything bad for the environment, would they? If we had paper dishes, then Billy could take them all out with the trash and I could do fun stuff. You know, like singing Taylor Swift songs or listening to Taylor Swift or watching Taylor Swift’s concert on You Tube!!.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Dad, I am a granny. I am the most fearful person in the world. I always drive 4 or 5 miles under the speed limit, look 7 ways before entering an intersection and do 17 shoulder checks before changing lanes. Why would you even think you have to lecture me about responsibility? They broke the mold for Type A when they made me. Well, technically, you and Mom made me but that's creepy to think about. Will yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend and your boyfriend are not the same at all! Just because he cheated on me with Jenny doesn't make him a jerk. Well, he is a jerk for doing it but he's really, really sorry and it was her who tricked him into it and he's a dumb guy so it wasn't really his fault. Not like your guy. He has cheated on you like, 3 times already. He did so! With Jenny first. I KNOW! Can you believe that Jenny? She's got some nerve! I mean, why doesn't she.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Greetings neighbor! That's a very nice fence you've erected between our properties. You certainly didn’t skimp on the materials. Only the finest of everything. That fence was built to last. Yes, it will keep our livestock separated very nicely, indeed. And you erected it so quickly - all in the short time my wife and I were up country visiting her dear, sick sister. Normally, we wouldn't be away a whole week but family comes first. I'm sure you know about that. You've spent your whole life toiling in the fields, as have I. All to make a better li.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that Friendly’s offers “Delicious Beginnings and Happy Endings”? Their unfortunate slogan is written right on the back of their menu by the desserts. By the time I got to “warm gooey super melts” I had to stop reading because I was blushing so much. Hasn’t their marketing department ever heard of a Chinese message parlor? Apparently they’re a family restaurant with a very adult menu. Dare I ask what you can order on the side?! Yikes! O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I just finished my math homework in like half an hour. That was the most productive half hour of my life! I should quit math. I’m a genius! I must be a genius if I finished so fast, right? Why do I need math? Or the rest of school, for that matter? Geniuses don’t need school, do they? Why would they, if they know everything already? I talked to one of the geniuses at the Mac Store the other day. I asked him if he was born a genius of if he became one. He said he became one from helping his Mom with her computer problems. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Do you think goblins are real? Tommy said there's a goblin in my closet and it's going to eat me unless I do his chores for a week. And that made me scared - not the part about the chores; I mean the goblin - But I pretended it didn’t. But then I got thinking…how come it didn't.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’m drunk. I’m at the greasy-pizza-and-hope-there’s-no-hangover stage. It’s not a bad thing. Tonight it’s released me from the gnawing hole in my solar plexus that you put there. I’ve just flown 3000 miles across the country away from the man I love; away from the one person who fills my soul with the sheer joy of life itself. It wasn’t easy stepping on that plane. And probably not wise, in light of our final night together. Interesting how the night is the witching hour. The whole world goes into hang-time during those hours. That’s why it’s my favorite. No obligations, no outside white noise; just the real, honest, raw, naked and perhaps vulnerable me. And maybe the vulnerable you as well. Do you have.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that in Alamosa, CO it is illegal to throw grenades at passing cars? Yup, it’s an actual law. I’m not sure if the same holds true for throwing them at people, but where cars are concerned, the fine lawmakers of Alamosa have spoken. I think I may pack up my family and move there! I’d feel better knowing my Ford Escalade is in safe hands. Or do you think an Escalade rates as a truck and is.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    Have I tried? Have I tried? I’m on an express train to nowhere and I’ve missed my connection. I’m not sure how it even happened. Twenty years ago I was the up-and -coming star. Youngest bank manager in the country. Wow! Was I hot stuff! Invincible. I was on the fast track, with nowhere to go but up…or maybe just nowhere to go. Hitting the glass ceiling before you’re thirty gives you a headache like you can’t believe. So I said screw it. Who needs security? There’s a raging artist inside me just waiting to come out… Yeah, right. Twenty years later, all that’s left is the rage. I was cocky. I’d made it in the business world in less than a decade. How har.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    Mommy, he took my water! My bucket was full and he poured it out! I don’t care that I wasn’t using it! It’s mine! I was busy doing other things but I plan to come back to it. And even if I don’t, it’s still mine. He just wants to wreck things all the time. How am I supposed to have time to be a princess and walk around with my face painted in my pretty dress when I have to watch my little brother? It’s not fair! He doesn’t have to watch me! I know he’s only four, but when.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    19-50
    YEARS OLD
    My head feels like it’s going to explode and my teeth are aching so badly, I’m considering getting a pair of pliers and yanking them out one at a time. With my luck they’d probably chip and I’d have to have root canals or something. Of course I can’t sleep because of my running nose, so I have to stuff tissues inside my nostrils in order to have any peace. No wonder I can’t get a man in my bed. I look like a bloody walrus. I took a Theraflu two nights ago. You know - the one you mix up with hot water and it feels like your mother’s made chicken soup. But it made me so stoned I couldn’t even dream, except to dream I was stoned and then I woke the next.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I hate homework! I spend my whole day doing schoolwork. Why do I have to do more when I get home? I have stuff to do, ya know. I have to check my facebook and text my friends. And there’s basketball practice and hanging with my peeps. My buddy, Josh is havin’ a bunch of us over to play Wii. I’m defending my championship in both bowling and golf. What am I supposed to tell him, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve lost hope. It sounds self-indulgent to say it out loud, but I have. I came here fresh and wide-eyed like all the others. I was different. I was going to change the world. But guess what? Nothing has changed, except me. I’m 13 years older and I don’t believe I can change shit. Have you ever had a dream? I mean a real dream? Something you just can’t stop holding onto? Something more precious than anything else you hold dear in life? I’ve been a dreamer since childhood. Maybe even before that. It’s in every cell of my existence. Its tentacles are so embedded in my DNA it’ll never let go. I want to act! And I want to be the best in the world! Oo, even as I say it, I wince. To the outside world it must sou.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So this girl, Kaylee, in my class is like the hottest girl in school. You should see her. She stops traffic walking down the hall! And I don’t know why, but she really likes me. Thinks I’m funny or something cuz I’m always cracking jokes in history class. She’s as smart as a whip, too. Always gets A’s on everything. Every guy’s been trying to go out with her and I finally saw my chance. I was complaining one day that I didn’t get what the teacher was saying and she actually volunteered to help me with my ho.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    I don't like tomatoes! They're gross. I don't care if they're good for me, they're yucky! Like really, really yucky. They're all runny and stuff and they have seeds and I don't like seeds. Well, maybe I do. I don't know about that part for sure cuz you can't taste the seeds cuz of the yuck around them. I don't get why Mom always wants me to eat stuff that's good for me. Why can't it just be stuff I like? You .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    I got some news for our Father who art in heaven. He left this world in awful shape. Yes he did. I see how people treat each other. They're scared o’ one another. That's not good. If I fall and splat blood all over the place, not one human being is gonna pick me up. Well, maybe one. Yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    I'm not a penguin! You keep telling me to join the pack, Mr. Evans and hug you and the whole class and everyone, cuz that’s how penguins stay warm. And my toes are cold and my fingers are cold and my nose is runny and it’s freezing out here, but I’m not a penguin! I don’t have a white vest or flippers .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I was kinda messed up as a kid. Got into lots of trouble. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. I got in with this gang, called themselves UPC. Some moron named it after the universal price code cuz he worked in a grocery store, but I didn’t know that back then. Anyway, I thought it was cool to run with them. They had this great tag and we used to spray it everywhere – abandoned warehouses, corner delis, billboards. You should have seen me. Hangin’ upside down off a billboard over the freeway with a .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s so still on the prairies. Eerie. Like God didn’t want humans trespassing on his domain so he designed the prairies as a gigantic “Do Not Disturb” sign. People who were born here say there’s nothing like that big prairie sky. Me, I just see bleak, barren desolation. Like I’m at the end of the earth and no one will ever know I’ve just faded into the landscape. It’s not so hard to do. I can see for miles, but there’s nothing to see. Driving down the highway is hypnotic in its austerity. My eyes play tricks on me. I keep hoping to find civil.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Listen you little punk, without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be a two bit hood hustling on the streets playing Three Card Monty. I cleaned you up and gave you a straight job when you needed me and I put you in a pinstriped suit and made you respectable. I got you off smack. That’s not easy. You think I just did it to be charitable? I invested in you. I coulda picked any other junky on the street, but I chose you. I saw your potential when nobody else gave a damn. I put you in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I love being a mascot! I know it sounds weird but I really do! When I get out there on the football field and hear the roar of the crowd something just happens to me. I turn into this rock star! It is such a rush! I get the fans all revved up and they do the wave and cheer and clap and it’s euphoric! And then I do these cameo appearances at fundraisers and special events and everyone wants to get close to me and have their picture taken with me. An.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I work full time at a hospital, I make $9.00 an hour and I’m one paycheck away from being homeless. After I pay all my bills, I’ve got $30.00 a month left over to buy food. I’ve thought about calling Child Services to come and take my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to live this way but she wouldn’t let me. I’m such a failure. I can’t even afford to take a day off of work to look for a better paying job because my present boss will think I’m not reliable and I can’t afford to lose the job I have. I lost my last one. I broke my wrist and I had no health care. I still have no health care. I make too much to qualify for assistance, so I accrued all these medical bills. I lost my job because I couldn’t work and I didn’t qualify for Worker’s Comp. Within two months.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Airports piss me off! They’re full of miserable people trying to make other people miserable. Even if you start your day in a good mood, by the time you’ve spent an hour in the airport you’re done. The employees are miserable because they spend their entire day dealing with asshole travelers. And at the end of the day, the asshole is on some beach in Mozambique sipping a Mai-Tai, while the poor sucker ticketing agent just goes home to get ready for his next miserable day of existence. Not that I feel too sorry for him. He’s the son-of-a-bitch who makes a living out of making people miserable. Who wants to deal with these guys? You get up at 5:30 in the morning to catch your flight because the only one that wasn’t booked leaves at some ungodly hour of the morning. You get there and the place is a zoo. Did all these people really get their asses out of bed as early as you? Apparently so. So you check in by machine to ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    You sent me a text on July 2nd and I saved it, preserved it like some rare artifact or precious gemstone. It seemed like a sign at the time. Of course, when you’re hopelessly in love, you read things into the tiniest moments and your rose colored glasses cleverly filter out any unwanted red flags. Must be a color spectrum thing. You probably don’t even remember what you wrote, much less that you wrote it at all and I know you don’t realize the significance of the date because you never took time to ask. Come to think of it, you haven’t asked much about me at all, like when’s my birthday, what kind of ice cream do I prefer, do I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a fairy under my pillow. There really is! She doesn’t talk or anything but I hear her wings flapping at night. Mom says it’s just a fly cuz they make noise when they buzz around close to my light, but she doesn’t know. Adults don’t see fairies. Only kids. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    I wish I didn’t have to sleep in my parents’ room. I mean, they don’t make me or anything, but I always end up there. I have my own room down the hall. Mom calls it lavender but it’s really purple. I got to redo it after my brother moved into a bigger room. And I have this way cool mural on the wall with ballerinas and mermaids and an awesome quilt on my bed with a picture of Ariel on it. She’s so beautiful. I want to look like her when I g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-28
    YEARS OLD
    I had my first speaking roll on a T.V. show today. Can you believe it? Me! I was sooo nervous! I hardly slept last night! I was terrified my alarm wouldn’t go off, so I kept waking up to check it. Then I was terrified I’d forget one of my three lines or mix up the names or something and call Mr. Dawson Mr. Mason and Mrs. Mason Mr. Dawson. My stomach was doing flip-flops all morning. I even arrived an hour early, which never happens. I was so excited to go to hair and make-up and sit by the stars. But when I got there, my tongue felt like it was covered in peanut butter and I didn’t say a word. It’s kind of a strange feeling because everyone just assumes you know what’s going on, so you have to keep asking questions, like “Are you the hair person?.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was journaling today about crumbs and selling myself short. I got into all the usual “poor me” stuff. You know how you do? Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure do. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong when, all of a sudden, I had this childhood memory that I’d totally forgotten about. It was about my father. He was a real bastard when we were growing up. He’s sober now; so’s my Mom. But then? Whoa. He used to clock me in the head when I said something he didn’t like. I mean so hard it made my head spin. I told my mom and she didn’t believe me, said I was making it up. Well, that made it worse. Now I was ostracized by both of them. I was determined to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you're going to have to face it sooner or later: I'm just not a girlie girl. I know you love that dress you bought me and I'm sorry that it was so expensive and all but, well, it has a lot of unnecessary sparkly things on it, don't you think? I just don't get sparkles. They don't do anything to hold the dress tog.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    The first shoes I recall owning were not Jimmy Choos or Prada or even Kenneth Coles. I wore brown hand-me-down orthopedic oxfords. Everyone else was sporting these cute little paten leather Mary Janes and I’d come clunking along in my orthopedic oxfords. And not just sometimes. They were the only pair of shoes I owned. My mother was a product of the depression and there was nothing wasted in our house. Two pair of shoes were simply out of the question. No sneakers, no cute little black sporty numbers for a change of pace. Just standard issue basic brown orthopedic oxfords. You can imagine how attractive I felt going to church in them with my blue pleated mini skirt and my canary yellow stockings. I don’t think I would have minded so much if there had been a purpose to this exercise, but as far as I can glean to this day, I got them because my sister needed them. Therefore, it somehow followed that I must need them too. My sister was born toeing in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Mister, you can't park here! The ice cream truck will be here any minute! If you park here he might not stop and I've got money from my mom and I'm gonna get a chocolate cone with sprinkles. I know you can't hear him. That's cuz he's not here yet but I got a text from Francine that he's on her block and he always comes to our block next. Well, he's not actually at Francine's block yet but he will be soon. She got a text from her BFF Charlene that he's almost at her house and you know he alwa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me? Excuse me. Excuse me. There seems to be some confusion here. I ordered plain. Yes. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. I saw them put cheese on it. I don’t have to open it. I saw. Can you just please have them make me a plain one? Thank-you. No, not that one. I don’t want a pre-made one. It’ll have pickles on it. The last time I got pickles, and I hate pickles. They infect the taste. You can’t even cover it with ketchup. Have them make a fresh one. Well, please ask t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    It can’t be positive. The test must be wrong. No, no, no! Not me. This stuff happens to other girls like Tara or Melissa, but not me! They’re always hanging around with the bad boys, going to parties and telling their parents they’re studying together. I’m the good kid. I get straight A’s on everything – math, science, history, you name it. I take piano lessons and go to dance class. I sell Girl Scout cookies every year. I’m even learning Chinese. Mandarin, to be exact. Do you know how .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I need fifty dollars for the restaurant for prom night. And fifty for my date. And the guy who is booking it is on the phone and I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just talk to him? Give him your credit card number or something? I know it makes me over on my allowance this week but this is prom! I don’t know if it was a big deal in your day, but let me tell you it’s a very big deal now. And Courtney is expecting a great night and so are .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, can we get a puppy? Can we name him after Dad? Do you think that would be confusing to have two Dads in the same house? I know you don’t think I’ll walk him, but I will, I swear I will. Larissa has two puppies. And she says they’re no problem at all. Well, except that the new one, Morgan, pees on the rug a lot, but her Mom says that’s normal. And he chewed her new sneakers, which made her Dad mad cuz he paid for them. And he ate the corner off the coffee table - not the Dad, the dog. But it’s OK because he ate the opposite corner the next week, s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was ancient. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone r.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    I remember him like it was yesterday, sitting there on that bus. I had to admire his spunk. He knew he was the laughing stock of the group, but he just stared out the window and pretended he didn’t notice. He must have been lonely. I don’t ever remember him having a friend. “Rodney-the-Toad.” I first came across Rodney when he was in tenth grade. He was smaller than the other students and quite stout. He wore thick glasses to correct his poor vision and he was quite unkempt. An avid reader, on his lunch break he liked to sit cross-legged on the floor engrossed in the weirdest, most obscure SciFi he could get his hands on. He did give the impression of being toad like. Thus, the nickname. He spoke with a pronounced lisp, but always with great authority and animation. Yep – Rodney was a walking target for humiliation. It didn’t seem to bo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was old. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. They were beautiful Labradors. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone remember her? Did her struggles in life really matter? I hear she’s being cremated. So her body won’t even be left behind. It’s so strange. Surreal. Whe.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    I have never been so nervous in my life! Mom and Dad got me this tutor and she comes to the house once a week and helps me cram all this stuff into my head. I was doing okay at first, but now everything is just a jumbled mess, like I turned dyslexic overnight or something. I can barely focus. I’m breaking into a cold sweat. My whole world is riding on this on.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I killed my mother today. Psych! I didn’t kill her. I just imagined it in detail. Do you think that makes me unbalanced? Oh, come on, like you’ve never thought about it. Everyone wants to strangle their mom at least once in a lifetime, right? I mean it’s not like I did it or anything. But if I had, I would have lured her into the basement. The only problem with that plan is she has a bad hip and the stairs bother her, but I’d get her down there somehow because that’s where she’d be least likely to be hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    I think I’m gonna do my science project on laughing. I love to laugh, even when it gets me in trouble. I giggled in math class the other day cuz Justin Murphy was making cross-eyed faces at everyone in the back seats. He cracks me up! He’s sooooo funny. Anyways, the teacher got mad at me cuz I giggled the loudest of anyone. It was one of those great big belly laughs, ya know? I couldn’t help it! The guy’s hysterical! And I don’t think the teacher was really mad cuz when I couldn’t stop laughing, she cracked up too and then .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    I love baseball. I love everything about it. I think I know every stat on every player ever! I especially love going to the ballpark with my dad. We’ve been going to watch the Yankees since I can remember. We have our own jerseys and everything. Dad’s says Rodriguez on the back cuz he’s a big A-Rod fan and mine, of course, says Jeter. We wear our ball caps and I take my glove incase I catch a ball that flies into the stands. I came close once but I wasn’t tall enough and this big guy by my dad caught it. I love when we first walk inside Yankee Stadium with the smell of the hotdogs and popcor.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-25
    YEARS OLD
    I love signs! People write the craziest stuff on them. Sometimes they write funny things on purpose. You know, clever. Like the hair salon named “Curl up and Dye” or the sign on the funeral home that says, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” And sometimes there are signs that can be fun depending upon the way you interpret them. One of my personal faves is “Slow Children Crossing.” You usually see it in school zones or in the burbs. Now, what I wanna know is where.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend says I’ve got “junk in the trunk.” I don’t know why he’s so smug. You ask me, he’s the one carrying a spare tire. Did you know that the spare they carry around in a car is called a donut? How’s a girl supposed to go on a diet with all this food around her? Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me on that one. I should own stock in the diet industry. I’ve Zoned, Atkinsed, Weight Watched, Jenny Craiged and Lucille Robertsed my way through the diet circuit. Remember Susan Powter? “Stop the insanity!” I think she musta’ gone insane cuz no one’s heard of her in a long time. So now I’m thinking of starting my own diet – “The Cardb.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    I was at Sarah Granville’s party Friday night. Imagine me, unimaginative math dweeb girl invited to the head cheerleader’s party. I mean, I know I got her out of a jam when her parents hired me to tutor her for midterms, but that’s just business. I said, “Me? Are you serious?” “Yeah,” she said, “You’re cool.” Woah! If the heavens had opened up and shone the light of God on me at that very moment, I wouldn’t have been more shocked! I had just been anointed by the goddess of glam herself! OMG, the “cool factor,” a one-way pass to easy street. But then it hit me. Oh Gawd! What would I wear? I ransacked my entire closet for three hours. Nothing. There was not one shred of couture that would make me look any less th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Fly, precious songbird. Fly like the wind and fetch my father before it is too late! Don’t tell him what I’ve done. He’ll find out soon enough. He’ll be so angry when he sees the mess I’ve created. I’ve broken the code. I’ll be taken off of mortal duty for eternity. But who could resist such perfection? She’s certainly worth the affections of royal stock, is she not? Her creamy white skin, as velvety and luxurious as the finest rose; those eyes of cut glass blue; they’re intoxicating! If I didn’t know better, I’d mistake her for an elemental. And those beautifully formed cherry lips. I merely wished to brush against them, to taste their sweetness for the tiniest of moments. And now look what I’ve done! How could I be so irresponsible? Father has warned me since childhood that mortals cannot sustain the vibration of the fairy world. But she ev.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m used to it. I float so much I’m turning into a cork. Sometimes it’s better to go with the tide than against it. You can be like water and then you can be like fire. Okay, so I don’t know what any of that crap means, but I read it somewhere once and I find the words comforting. Poetic. Why can’t I be poetic? Why can’t I be a floating cork? It’s better than being a fat pig. When I was a kid they called me a fat tub o’ shit. Oh, you can’t tell now cuz I lost forty pounds the summer I turned fourteen and I’ll starve myself now rather than be fat again. Can you keep a secret? Somet.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-36
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, so let’s see what we have on the menu tonight. The usual crowd. Slick Joe at the end of the bar. Been doin’ the same patter for three years. One night he might actually get lucky. God bless him for his tenacity. Randy Andy by the jukebox. Now he’s a sexy little number. That tossled hair does it for me. Then there’s Wayne. A bit of a cokehead, but nice to look at, especially when he’s playin’ stick. He can lean over a pool table like nobody I know. The thing about being behind the bar is you’ve got your pick of the litter. I mean, all I’d have to do is point and these guys would be all over me, but where’s the sport in that? I want something untamed. Someone to knock me off my rhythm, ya know? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    21-45
    YEARS OLD
    Are we done, Joe? Cuz it feels like we’re done. I’m in your bed and I’m pretty sure I’m in your heart, but I’m definitely NOT in your life. You said Monday. Remember? That was after you said Friday. And you were good enough to actually call Friday and tell me it wasn’t going to work and I was fine with that. Really. Because I had Monday to look forward to. I was even lobbying for Sunday and you said maybe, which was hopeful, but then I get a text that Sunday was definitely no good and I don’t even hear from you on Monday. You don’t answer your text or your phone. You just ignore the date and the fact that I exist at all. Somehow you can sext me ad infinitum when there’s no danger of actually seeing me, b.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    They don’t get me. Oh, it’s OK. You don’t have to pretend. I know they don’t. I’m different. Not good or bad or anything else. Just different. The part I can’t figure out is why that’s not OK. I mean, who came down from heaven and decreed that everyone has to be the same? Sort of like white bread bologna sandwiches with mayo? Not that I have anything against bologna. I like to eat it sometimes, but not as a steady diet. See, I’ve got this imagination. And it’s cool, at least to me it is. I dream of being a super powered alien from the planet Karpagien who’s come to earth to warn the people o.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. She was glorious. Right on time, as always. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. It was really by luck I noticed her in the first place, but since I have, I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Milky white skin, French manicure on those long luxurious fingers. Her only vice is her smoking. I usually hate smokers, but not this one. If it weren’t for her smoking, I would never have known her. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel like I do. I know her every fantasy and desire. I can sense her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils to check her work, like me. She’s an old-fashioned girl; likes to check documents by hand before entering them into the computer. She arrives to the office early everyd.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    This has been my dream since I was a little fella. I saw my first horse when I was four years old. A Belgian workhorse on my Daddy’s farm. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, chocolate brown with a long sleek mane; white snowflakes on each ankle and a diamond swoosh on her nose. That’s the moment I knew I was born to ride. My Daddy told me no. I was too young and the horse was just a colt. Not broke yet. But I didn’t listen. I sneaked out to the stables at the crack of dawn. Thunderbolt. That was her name. I rubbed her down and talked to her and told her I was gonna be a jockey. But she didn’t care. She just liked the attention. I fed her and brushed her and treated her like the Queen of Sheba. I went out there everyday for a month, up with the first light.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    He was mad when he found out what I done. That’s where I got this shiner. But I don’t care. I ain’t never goin’ back there. You can’t imagine what he’s like when he’s drinkin’, which is most o’ the time. Unless he’s passed out. He wasn’t as bad when Mama was alive, but he was still pretty awful. I don’t know how she stood it. They say she died givin’ birth to my baby sister, but I think she died of a broken heart. So I raised her babies; wiped their noses and changed their diapers. I had to steal money to feed ‘em off his dresser when he was passed out and I took the whoopin’ when he woke up. But they got food and they went to sch.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Did you hear that? I love the sound of the train whistle late at night. Makes me think of all those old movies with stowaway kids and vagabonds. All that adventure! Wouldn’t it be nice to just hop on a train and not know where you were headed? Fall asleep and wake up in some midwestern town ready to explore? I know, I’ve watched too much Disney Channel…but wouldn’t it be cool if you could leave everything behind and just start over? No worries about anything. Jus.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    As the lights come up, we see a woman trying on a ring in a jewelry store and talking to the clerk. Oh, it’s absolutely stunning! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Now, you say it’s a one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass produced. He has a thing that way. So, how many karats are the diamonds? Lovely. Inspecting the ring. Oh yes, yes. I see exactly what you mean. I’ll probably pay cash for it. Of course, I can’t buy it today. I want George to see it first and he has a big meeting this afternoon. Too bad. I would have liked to wear it to dinner tonight. It’s our anniversary. Begins to remove the ring, but can’t get it off her finger. Oh, dear. It appears to be stuck. My hands always swell in the summer. I’m sure I can get it off. It’s no problem. She tries licking her knuckle. It still won’t budge. Smiling weakly. Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? I’m sure George will approve. She pales .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    That wind is loud tonight! It always makes me anxious. I keep waiting for the windows to shatter and the roof to tear off the house. I know I’m too old to hide under the covers in my bed, but secretly I do sometimes. Don’t tell anyone. I’d be the laughing stock around here. Like the bed sheets could keep me safe anyway. I’d run to the cellar, but everyone would think I’m nuts. And I guess I am in a way or I wouldn’t be so jumpy. It’s not that kind of storm. Logicall.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    Ya know, I’m all for organic. I really am. Eating healthy is the best thing for our bodies. Like putting premium gas into your car. You pay a bit more, but you’re getting good quality….except when you’re not. Since when is Veggie Booty a food group?? I found organic Ritz crackers in the “health food” store the other day. Do you know how much sodium is in a Ritz cracker? Why does the Ritz dude need to suddenly go green? Or how about organic potato chips? I found shel.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    28-38
    YEARS OLD
    What am I waiting for? Some guy to say I'm pretty and I have nice shoes and here's my number? No! I don't need anyone to tell me I'm great. I'm fine just the way I am. I have my own job, my own place and I have friends like you. So what do I need a man for? Someone who talks a good talk and says, “Oh, you're beautiful; oh, you're the best; yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Listen, I busted my ass to bust your sorry ass, and I’m going to get answers. I don’t care if it’s “inconvenient,” Mr. Leland. A woman is dead, so you can wipe that cheesy smirk off your face. Do you think it was “inconvenient” for her sister to come down to the morgue to ID the body? You have obstructed this investigation at every turn and I will hold you in this interrogation room until you rot if I have to. We have an eyew.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    A zit the size of a moon crater on the first day of class?! You have got to be kidding me! Maybe if I wear a bag over my head no one'll notice. How am I gonna make Bradley Thomas notice me looking like this? I look like a swamp creature from the deep! I wish the earth would swallow me whole. Oh, no. Just realized I’m wrong. He'll notice, all right - probably nickname me pizza face or something and it'll st.......
    Price $3.99