Monologues » Female Monologues

Female Monologues

Monologues for women are a great platform for expression. There are so many women’s issues that can be eloquently addressed and explored in female monologues. Whether you choose pieces that call for advocacy or touch on the tender moments, make sure you serve the work to its fullest potential. Have at least two to three contrasting women’s monologues prepared at all times. Above all, savor the work and enjoy the ride!


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m going to kill him. I’m going to take my pillow and I’m literally going to smother his fucking face in the middle of the night while laughing as I down a bottle of French rose. (Beat) No, I’m not going to do that. I want to, but I’m not. Jason’s had the flu for about four days now and every moment that he breathes life’s air, I want to jump out a window. I never did understand the male brain and its connection to male hormones. I mean, we all know about the males’ brain and its relationship to the sex organs…non-existent…but what about those hormone mother fuckers? I’m sor.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-35
    YEARS OLD
    No. Do NOT wish me a Happy Birthday! I still have 10 minutes left, and I'd like to enjoy each and every one of those minutes before the good part of my life is over. You know: my youth, my semi-attractive face, my future. I'm gonna be 33-years-old and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I write a blog for a crappy online music magazine, for no pay, that no one reads. I serve drunks while watching other people living out their dreams, and then I play in crappy dive .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    It’s been a week since Zach dumped me. I have to stop thinking about him. He could do this thing with his eyes, this little squinty thing that made me fall head over heels in love with him - argh. STOP. (big breath) I’m over him. I am over him! In fact, I’m surprised at myself for ever thinking I loved him. A boyfriend, as far as I’m concerned, should be three things: Number one, nice. If he weren’t, he would be a complete waste of time. Number two: h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    RUTHIE: The monkey threw his poop on me. He just pooped, picked it up, and threw it on me. And it was at that very moment that I realized who that little beast reminded me of. You, Mark. You are my poop throwing Monkey. You are selfish. You are messy. You make discusting noises. And you are always throwing your shit on me. And I h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    One last kiss and then that’s it. I can’t do this anymore, with you and the lips and the smoochie “Hello, my nether regions are saying hi,” thing. It’s toxic. YOU are toxic. I mean, sure, you’re a swell dancer and a well-read Yale graduate with the vocabulary of a Webster descendant, but so what?!!! I can’t be in this relationship with you anymore. I need more than sex and a healthy body of hair, God your hair feels good…NO!!! I mean: No, your hair is just hair and it doesn’t mean anything.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend of five weeks – I know, right – we’ve been going out forever! So, my boyfriend of five weeks asked me what I thought we’d be doing after we finished high school, and I said, “Do you think we’ll still be going out?” And he said, “Sure, why wouldn’t we be?” And I didn’t know what to say, but now I’ve given it some thought. I hope that he asks me that again, bec.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    I’m cooking pasta, like I always do on Thursdays. It’s been a tradition ever since James was little I’ve made spaghetti with garlic and he’s always loved it. I’ll ask about school; he’ll ask about work. It’s nice. The water is bubbling and I have this idea. This fleeting thought, for just a moment, that James needs me right now, and I decide to check on him. I walk down the hallway to his bedroom. From outside the door, noises. Subtle, but definitely a movement. I figure it’s a new feature on some sort of videogame or social media or something. I can’t keep up with technology. Kids these days don’t understand real interaction, human connection. They don’t read books, or magazines. Everything is co.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-13
    YEARS OLD
    Acting Dad? What more can I say. It’s a word that means a lot. Especially to me! When you’re acting, either on the stage a la a thrust, proscenium, in the round, or raked surface, or in front of that cool big shiny reflective recording device called the camera, preparation is mucho effective! See how I did that Dad? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Time’s up. Pens down. Stop the test. There’s no point in finishing. This is IMPORTANT with a capital “I”. I know you studied and now I’m robbing you of achieving your academic dreams. I’m sorry. No. I’m tired of being sorry. I’m not God, you guys. I’m a human female being and there are things… I’m not feeling well. Need to sit. I’ve been hit on the head by falling icicles and it could be bad. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I’m your teacher. B.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever told you age is just a number, lied. I've tried to date men my age. I find their lack of accomplishments and lack of stability very unattractive. Not to mention, their lack of commitment is appalling. These recession post grads are struggling to maintain careers while paying off college debt. They've had enough one-night stands to lose all notions of chivalry. They be.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I did it one time and now I’ll be labeled as “Germy Gemma” for the rest of my professional life. I mean, for God’s sake, I always wash my hands after I use a restroom, ALWAYS…but the other day I was just so crazed over what was happening with the Morton files that the common act of cleanliness got away from me. And if Boss Megan hadn’t been standing on that line and asking me how the case was going, I would have surely scrubbed and rubbed. That woman makes me nervous. Usually she just glances at me while she’s cleaning her glasses, which means she’s technically not able to actually see me all that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    40-70
    YEARS OLD
    ANITA: I brought roses for you. I hope you like them. (Places roses on ground.) If you don’t, then you are stupid, because everyone likes roses. It’s very difficult, you know. Explaining to everyone how you passed away. Why couldn’t you have died like a normal person? Doing something normal. I’d love to say: “My husband died in his sleep.” Or, “My husband died in a car accident........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    This girl stalks my whole life. I’m not trying to quote Pauly D from The Jersey Shore when I say that, because literally, this psycho bitch stalks my entire freakin’ life! I need help. SHE needs help but until she’s in the care of the proper authorities, I’m just going to have to be the sane one here and find a way to get her out of my realm. I’m not being erratic here, I swear! I’m pretty sure she’s a cooked rabbit, a screwed boyfriend, one haircut and a few dead partridges in a pear tree away from pulling an Annie Wilkes on me and hobbling me in my own bed. This chick is scary. At first I just thought she was just a little overly-energetic. And that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Don’t assume I’m angry just because I’m a black woman. We’re not that angry. We’re just misunderstood. We do have our reasons to be angry. Hello, have you seen this hair? Like, God, what is this punishment? Was slavery not enough? Do you know how much money a black woman spends on a weave? Honey a lot! White women get to (swings hair) all day long (Beat) for free and they think we don’t know they’re doing it out of spite, Oh, we know. It’s okay because everyone knows once you go black you don’t go b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For the love of God, will you please get off the floor? Look, this is our first date. I’m not sure if I’m ready to marry you. No, I’m not upset. No, I’m not surprised. You’re not the first man to propose to me on the first date. I use Herbal Essence Shampoo. I’m just kidding. I sounded like a commercial, didn’t I? I’m studying to be a commercial actress. But seriously, ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    TRINA: You see, often people run up to me with huge smiles and say, “Hey Susie, I haven’t seen you in forever! What’s up?” Or “Susie? Susie Johnson is that you?” I usually say, “Oh yeah, it’s me.” And then I tell them what’s up. I tell them I have a new number. We exchange numbers.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t believe that Tyler is being so good about this. I have the most understanding, amazing boyfriend. I’m so relieved that he is willing to forgive me…. Actually, though, why did I need to be forgiven? How could I have known what Matt was going to do when he pinned me against the lockers? And why was it my fault that he pinned me in the first place? I wasn’t flirting with him. I didn’t invite him to hold my hands above my head and touch me. How is it that any time a guy does something to a girl, it’s always the girl’s fault? And then Matt’s fr.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Parker, come here. This is so embarrassing. Don’t pee there! (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) He doesn’t usually do this. I’m not a bad parent and I usually have complete control! I never ignore him to check my email or Facebook page. I cook all his meals! Yes, he still sleeps in my bed, but we are working on it. Right, Parker? Parker! Please don’t make me chase you again. You know I am still recovering from that soul cycle class. (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) That .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    Returning home made me feel like I would never live a normal life again. I was 29-years old…back in this dead end town…living with my mother who drove me crazy…and I felt like I was going no place fast. I just couldn’t escape the place…so…Somebody called it in. It’s weird, you know, I was the only one home so that never m.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Don't mind me waiting to audition; I saw the notice for this casting and thought to myself, (beat) “Self, you would be perfect for this role.” So I packed my life in this bag and headed straight for New York City. My mama tried to discourage me from following my dreams. She said, “Debra, don't you need to be talented for a place like New York City?” So, I said, "Don't tell me how to live. Just sit and putter life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter. Don't bring around a cloud to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    They took Snickers. Don’t you dare try to tell me they don’t have him, Rick! Cats like Snickers don’t just walk outside to pick up the newspaper, have a quick smoke and then BOOM-SHAK-A-LA-KA disappear! It’s that group I told you about, Rick…don’t laugh at me!!! When they first started moving into the neighborhood, we all thought they were just a little “different” with their gluten free diets, th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Johnny, stop hitting my boyfriend’s head with the “Star Wars” light saber and listen to me. I have something to tell you, Young Skywalker. (Turns to her boyfriend) You okay, Frank? Good. Go to the bathroom and wipe the blood off your nose. And give Johnny and me a moment. And, please put your pants back on. (Holds up photo) I didn’t want to do this Johnny...but your treatment of Frank, the love of my life, leaves me no choice. See this photo, Johnny? This beautiful photo of you, your mom, your dad, and your little whi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday was the worst day ever. You know how broke I am, right? Well I got this brainwave to sell off my old books and CDs to make some extra money. I’ve heard other people talk about doing it on eBay. So I drag out all my books, which I really shouldn’t be carrying, put them in a paper bag and go to work. Then after work I haul them all the way down to Strand Book Store only it rains on the way. Who knew we’d have a flash flood on the one day I want to sell my books? So I’m juggling these books with the busted bag and I finally get to Strand and the guy is a real jerk. Says they don’t buy books after four. I just lost it. I started screaming at him. I don’t know why. He just got to me. He was real.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Trying on a ring.) It’s absolutely stunning! You say it’s one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass-produced. So, how many karats? Lovely. I’ll probably pay cash for it but I want George to see it first. Too bad he’s in a big meeting. Tonight’s our anniversary. (Begins to remove the ring. It’s stuck.) Oh, dear. My hands always swell in the summer. (Licks her knuckle). Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? …$52,000! (Trying to remove ring.).......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Hit me one more time and you’re a dead man. I mean it, Al. I will take this stick and I will bash your brains in. I’ve had it. I cannot take one more minute. Oh, you stand there all high and mighty like you’re someone, but we both know you’re a poor excuse for a human being. What kind of sick bastard have you become? Does it make you feel powerful to swat me so hard I go flying across the room? I’ve had a bruised kidney, broken ribs, countless concussions. Remember the last time? You knocke.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-17
    YEARS OLD
    I just really can’t believe it. Steph and Zach. My best friend and my boyfriend are going out. Oh gosh, I thought I loved him. How stupid was I? And Steph – I remember that she was there, being happy for me, when Zach and I first kissed. I’m not actually angry, just extremely sad, and feeling betrayed. I feel like killing myself, really. That woul.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Stacy texted Jody that you were BFFs with Karen now. Is that true? I thought you were my BFF. Remember we went behind the school and texted each other and did that thing with our pinky’s and spit on our phones and everything? Didn’t that mean anything to you? Cuz it was totally everything to me. My phone got all fogged up and stuff and my mom said it was from the moisture of the spit but I said it was worth it not to be able to read my texts anymore cuz I had my BFF Loren now, but my mom swapped out my phone cuz she said.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been…a while. By the way, love this, “Possible Sins Committed,” pamphlet. I do have questions. It says, “Abused Drugs.” Does that include Advil, Midol, Tylenol? Period cramps are a bitch! 2 pills are never enough. I usually have to pop at least 4 from my secret stash in my locker. Wait, you’re not going to alert the administration? This is confidential. You’d be going against God by ratting me out. Okay, moving on. “Made bad decisions with boys.” Is that just sex and handsy stuff or could it be,.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-18
    YEARS OLD
    Food doesn’t make me happy. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stop eating. My Dad says I should exercise more. What he’s really saying is why don’t I look like his twenty-five year old Russian model girlfriend? You know my Mom’s an alkie. Sorry, alcoholic. But I don’t think vodka makes my Mom happy. But vodka’s not food is it? Do I think I’m fat? Well, I think if I lived in Omaha, Nebraska, I would be just fine. Healthy is what they would call me. A big booming girl. But here, on the Upper East Side of ManhattanÖDid you know I f.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    If you said they died on the way over, I believe you. A little anxious, yes. It’s been a while. For you, too? That’s what my sister said. So, Maurice…right, Maury then, if that’s what you prefer to be called. Sure, I drink. Two margaritas and I’m in la-la land. You know a nice Mexican restaurant? All right. Let’s vamoose. What’s the matter, Maury? You forgot your wallet? It’s okay. These things happen. No. I have money. You’ll pay me back when we get to your apartment? I’m not certain if I’m going that far. It’s not a rejection. I find you very attractive. Sure, I kis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, Dr. Listenberg. Okay, so when I wake up, I realize that my "super" pad isn't really in a superlative mood because I've bled through my sheets. Good morning! Oh come on, we're in the ER. There's worse things than this. Like that guy! He definitely needs immediate attention because that shouldn't be hanging from there. Right?! Are you gonna go look at him? You can come back to me after. I don't think I'm doing as ba.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I swear it's not you...It's me. I really didn't mind all of your weird little quirks...It was cute, almost. So really, it's not you, it's me. I am completely the reason why I am packing my bags. (Beat) It has nothing to do with your toenail clippings! I would never be that shallow, David. Come on. Break up over toenails? There were so many other things that were way more disgusting and worth breaking up over. Like your weird appeti.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My mother taught me how to be a woman. Well, I had several mothers. They would dress me up like their little doll. I’d prance around in shoes too big while draped in silks. I felt so beautiful. It’s from them I learned about love, learned how to love. (Beat) My first love paid me. You see, we had t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Ahhhh! Oh My God did you get it? Please tell me you got it…OH MY GOD…I think I’m having a heart attack. If you didn’t get it, tell me because I am not coming down from this chair until you tell me that that God forsaken creature of the unknown dark crevices of the earth has been squished, squatted, plummeted, or dismembered in some way for good!!!! (Beat) I’m sorry, that was really crazy of me, I just…I just really hate bugs. No, like I really hate them. When I was a little girl, I saw a guy get his leg eaten off by a herd of fire ants. It was my uncle, actually and I suppose it was his own fault for stomping over it with his motorcycle and then proceeding to stick his foot down there as he shouted, “I AM JEFF, KING O.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-38
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t work today. Well, not exactly sick. I’m tired, really tired. Look, Rory’s suddenly having nightmares for the first time. So, we’ve been up 3 out of the last 4 nights. He’s peed the bed twice, including mine. He’s had 3 colds and an ear infection since October 2 of which he generously shared. What? YES! He eats fruit and vegetables. Yes, he’s had a flu shot. I’m a single mother, not an idiot who neglects her.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    24-40
    YEARS OLD
    I want to talk about what happened yesterday. When I tried to take Joey to the supermarket. It nearly killed me. It nearly killed Joey. You all know autistic kids are hell. That’s why you’re here. He was banging his head so hard against the floor that I thought he would have a concussion See, Joey really wanted a box of Trix cereal. But the A&P didn’t have any more Trix cereal left. So, I gave him Cheerios instead and he totally lost it. Threw himself onto the floor. He was kicking so hard I thought the floor tiles would break. The store manager tried to help but Joey bit him. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-60
    YEARS OLD
    I think my cell mate wants to sleep with me. Actually, I'm positive she definitely wants to have sweaty shower sex. I don't know much about Velma, my cell mate, but from what I heard, she is NOT the one you say no to. I think she's in here for murdering her kids or husband, somebody but it's rude to ask. I learned that after I got shanked by the Co.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    CLARA: I know what you're thinking: "What is she doing here?" I'll tell you what she's doing here...I'm changing my life. I haven't had a job in ten years. The little money my husband left me is almost out. So, I've come to a decision. I'm changing my life. You don't think I can do it, do you? You doubt me. These loins have brought forth life, yet you doubt my ability to change my own. It all came to me while I was riding the subway. My stomach was growling, so I decided to have a mint to calm my tummy, so I wouldn't disturb the sleeping homeless guy sit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    My introduction into the teaching profession was rough at best. I was twenty-one years old and fresh out of college when I landed a position teaching elementary music in a northern mining town. I was terrified, but I told myself, “Just get through the first day. You’ll be fine.” Kids had always liked me, and I really had no idea what to expect. Well, the first day turned out to be bedlam in the office and when I went to the school secretary to get my class lists, she was buried under a barrage of parents. She threw a list in my direction and pointed me toward a photocopier. I’ve never been very good with machines and this one was no exception. I hit the “on” switch and impatiently waited for it to warm up. Worried that my class would arrive before me, I quickly made an almost illegible copy and gave the original back to the secretary. My first class was grade six. They were intimidating, to say the least. One kid stood in a corner spinning in circles while another named Brian Good who I later dubbed “Bri.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    I’m such an idiot. I really thought he loved me. All that, “Oh baby, you’re so beautiful, you’re so great” crap. Lies. Everything. Every present, every text, every phone call. I can’t believe I fell for it. That lying, cheating scum. I was actually thinking of going all the way with him. Thank God I didn’t. Which is probably why he dumped me. And for Kelly Leffords of all people. Really? He couldn’t have better taste.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Sounds like something a clichéd comic might say? Well baby, clichés are for people who aren’t visionaries. I love him like a fat kid loves cake and I freaking love cake like I love my boyfriend. I don’t know what it is, but food and passion just can’t seem to separate from each other. Whenever I see onion rings, grease dripping onto the plate and all, I just think two things: A) When is he going to put one on my actual finger and B) Can we get seconds delivered to our table because I am HUNGRY!! Or how about melting chocolate? OH MY GOOOOODDDDD!!!! Can we talk about this for a secon.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I tell you Nora, if I don’t kill Flibbertigibbet-Dana she’ll kill me. Look at her out there, slinging clothes over the line. They’ll never dry. You watch, she’ll be up here looking for a glass of wine – pour me a glass, will ya? She drives me crazy. Why Howie married her I’ll never know. He was in love with you – still is. Why didn’t you marry him? Then you could be my sane sister-in-law. She’s of no use to me. And those heels. It could be the dead of winter and out of the house she comes in her heels. Christ, I was wrapping Dad's arm at the hospital this morning. His arm is useless. The lymph edema. There I am wrapping his a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-35
    YEARS OLD
    REBECCA: My boyfriend is addicted to sex. Unfortunately it’s not with me. It’s with his mother’s best friend. It’s with the stripper he met at the corner deli. It’s with this girl that works with him at the hair salon. Yes, he works at a hair salon. No, he’s not gay. My girlfriend Katie says he sleeps with women to prove he’s not gay.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    So you want to know what happened? Ok, I’ll tell you. Tonight was the homecoming dance. I went, I danced. Happy? (Beat) Oh you want to know about the murder? Ok fine. I came home to find out my boyfriend was brutally murdered. It’s a funny thing you know? Death. My boyfriend was a good guy. He was captain of the football team, straight A student, debate team. You name it, he did it. Maybe a little too much. You’re not really buying this are you? All right then, tonight I came back from the dance to find my boyfriend with three drunken cheerleaders, one who might have possibly been a bleacher bound stoner succubus, and Let’s just say I wasn’t happ.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    (African American – Cockney equivalent) ESI: Born, April 19, 1993 n DC 6 lbs. Mother went to jail for drug addiction. 1995. 1996, mother got out of jail. 1999, 7. Me and my sister got raped by my uncle. I am 10 years old and trying to make things work. 11, I move with my father. It’s not working out. 12, I move with my granma: she give me a turtle. All is well, all is well. I growed up. Got a bad charge, go to detention. 16. I’m in Hillside while my mother is dyin’a’AIDS. I am doin’ well. I don’t know how to be sad, but I can be mad. Sittin’ here in confinemint cuz .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So will you do it? It’s not like I’m asking you to rob a bank or anything. Just tell your mom I’m going with you to the movie. It’s not totally a lie. I’ll probably see you there. I mean, if I can take my eyes off Jason. Can you believe the hottest guy in our class asked me out?! OMG, what am I going to wear? Do you think I’d look cuter in a dress or jeans? You know, the ones I have with the sequence on the pocket? Definitely jeans, right? I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard on our first date. Can I borrow your blue top? I think it would .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    FLORA: I can’t imagine a life without coffee. If I had to choose between my husband and my coffee, I would select my coffee. If I had to choose between my children and my coffee, I would select my coffee. Just kidding, I don’t have children. God, what kind of mother would I be? “Here’s my child, now give me a latte!” (La.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So I’m standing on line at Filene’s Basement, which by the way, is not in a basement. I had to take a ginormous escalator to get up to customer service. So why do they call it a basement? Geography was never my long suit, but doesn’t a basement by its very definition require the escalator to go down? Anyway, I’m standing there waiting to return six of the party dresses I’m not wearing to my cousin’s wedding cuz they’re just too hideous for words – what was I thinking?! - when this oddball guy gets in line behind me. I noticed him right.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My name is Abby and I’m a writer and I have a really big secret and an even BIGGER problem. You see whenever I write something, it always seems to come to life. I can’t control it no matter what I do. My stories seem to jump from the pages and become reality. For example, last month I wrote a story about cheerleaders who become monkeys and sure enough it came true. Even though I admit it was pretty funny at the time since I don.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    WYNONA: Hi. How are you? Before we get in the car and start this little adventure called my driver’s test…A few things about myself: I have a rare genetic disease where I have too many male genes and that causes me to be colorblind. Sometimes I don’t see yellow or red. But I have memorized the order of the lights. I know which color is on top, middle, and bottom. I’m also a little psychic, and sometimes I see dead people. Seriously........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-10
    YEARS OLD
    I can read, eat and dance at the same time. Do I get extra allowance for that? You gave extra to Jason just for getting his homework done by 9:00. And he didn’t even get all the answers right. He’s not very good at math. Maybe you should get him a tutor or something. And he only did one thing. I’m doing three. I know it’s not homework or anything, but it could be. I could be reading my story from Mrs. Mills’ class if I wanted to. It’s ju.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    You got a homeless guy on your block? I got a homeless guy in my house. And he's got keys! It's my brother! That mofo's the laziest ass guy you ever wanna meet. Let me tell ya, he gives new meaning to the word lazy. He brings the definition to an all time low! He pays my nephew to change the channel on the big ass.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    Dear, Mr. President. This year for my birthday, all I want is for Mom and Dad to have a happy and healthy baby. I know you have more important things on your list of…well, things…but Mom’s been so unhappy lately. Dad told me it’s because she feels like a float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade…But, if that were true, then wouldn’t she know how to fly and have strings coming out of her a--, sorry, I’m not allowed to use bad language. She eats A LOT! Yesterday she made an entire box of pancakes, gave my Dad and me, seve.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    KATIE: (Eating popcorn.) So I said: “Sir, your penis is touching my leg.” And he said: “I’m not a Sir. I’m a doctor. A dentist to be exact.” Can you believe it? No apology. No humiliation. Just a title correction. No, I couldn’t report him. Seriously. I have gone through six dentists in the last two years. Dr. Snider i.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I went over there and my intention was strong and crystal clear, just like you told me: To let him know that I feel very devalued by him and to explain how, so that he could understand what to do with that information. I felt prepared; I was no longer angry, so that I could speak calmly, but I reminded myself of the importance of my feelings, so that I could speak with authority on behalf of myself. I was NOT going to have sex with him until my point was made, and ONLY if my point was made and heard and understood. He op.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must’ve been doing some wild drugs. They’re just a bunch of shiny rocks stuck in some gaudy ring or necklace. It’s not like you can actually do anything with them. They won’t create world peace or feed a bunch of starving kids in developing countries. Well, maybe they could feed someone if you pawned them, but then they’d be gone and you wouldn’t have them anymore, would you? Did you ever see those rich ladies with the leather tans that wear lots of them? I don’t really understand why, but they seem to like them a lo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    38-59
    YEARS OLD
    Honestly, I don’t know what I believe anymore, Ray. First you say you worked late, then you left on time, but stopped by the club to say hi to Tommy. Which is it, huh? And if I call up Tommy to verify your story will he get all the details right? Did you prep him beforehand or are you pulling this stuff out o’ your ass as you go? You think I’m a moron? I see, Ray. I have eyes. You’ve been screwin’ that slutty lookin’ secretary, haven’t you? Don’t bother to deny it. You’ll only dig yourself a deeper hole. Did you know you’.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-13
    YEARS OLD
    Why do I have to do the dishes? It’s not even my night. Isn’t Billy on trash? Well, dishes can be trash, can’t they? If they’re paper. Why don’t we use paper dishes? Is that bad for the environment? It works for McDonalds. They wouldn’t do anything bad for the environment, would they? If we had paper dishes, then Billy could take them all out with the trash and I could do fun stuff. You know, like singing Taylor Swift songs or listening to Taylor Swift or watching Taylor Swift’s concert on You Tube!!.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi Sheila! Good morning. Fun holiday party Saturday night, huh? (Beat) OK, let’s get this over with. I was very drunk and some things were said that I can’t quite take back. Jesus, where do I start? OK, well first off, I do not think you got a botched boob job. They are very tight and completely symmetrical to one another…a very well done breast job, actually. Um, oh the thing about you and Bill in accounting. Shit, well that part was kind of true, but my telling everyone about the stained check incident, well, that was just vicious and.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me, sir. Sir! Yo! Excuse me. Yeah. You, sir. Are you okay? Do you understand what I am saying? Speaky English? Good. Can you stand on your own two feet? Or do you need my help? Do you need me to help you, sir? I will help you stand if you need me to. No. You can’t lie there, sir. Are you dizzy? Do you see two of me or one of me? How many me’s do you see of me? No. You’re going to have to move. A bank isn’t a hotel. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Dad, I am a granny. I am the most fearful person in the world. I always drive 4 or 5 miles under the speed limit, look 7 ways before entering an intersection and do 17 shoulder checks before changing lanes. Why would you even think you have to lecture me about responsibility? They broke the mold for Type A when they made me. Well, technically, you and Mom made me but that's creepy to think about. Will yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend and your boyfriend are not the same at all! Just because he cheated on me with Jenny doesn't make him a jerk. Well, he is a jerk for doing it but he's really, really sorry and it was her who tricked him into it and he's a dumb guy so it wasn't really his fault. Not like your guy. He has cheated on you like, 3 times already. He did so! With Jenny first. I KNOW! Can you believe that Jenny? She's got some nerve! I mean, why doesn't she.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He broke up with me via Instagram! Well, we were never Facebook official. I’m not even sure we were Facebook friends but I found out when he posted a pic of his girlfriend, now fiancée, that bitch! How dare she! He and I had something special! We were sleeping together for six whole weeks, Six Weeks! Although he claimed to be the anti-commitment type of guy, he had no problem putting a ring on her freaking finger! What am I missing? I'm a catch. I'm sexy, intelligent. I have a j.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    TAMMY:I am an embarrassment to my entire family. You see, I was born and raised on a giant chicken farm, right outside of Geneva, Alabama. And for me to be allergic to chicken eggs, it is just unacceptable to my family. I mean, I’m sure you can understand. It’s like being allergic to meatballs and you’re Italian. Or allergic to spring rolls an.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    He lives in a mansion, has thirteen dogs, and his butler’s name is Franz. He’s my soul mate. Just because I met him on Facebook doesn’t mean it devalues our relationship. Facebook is the new blind dating! In fact, it’s better than that! Jack and I have a connection thanks to the connection of our WiFi signals sent out through the universe and back down deep within our hearts! The other day, when he picked me up, he brought me a cronut because he said it reminded him of me. He said, because it’s not quite a croissant and not totally a donut, and like me, it’s a cro.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Look I like you, ok I really like you. It’s not you, it’s actually me, well actually it’s my family. Look meeting the family is a big step and clearly I don’t want to put you through that kind of torture, especially not this early in the relationship. (Beat) They’re not that bad. OK they’re pretty bad, but I’m just looking out for you. (Beat) You really want to know? Ok where to start? All right, there’s my grandma the boozer, she gets drunk the second the clock strikes 8…in the morning. She always says “It’s happy hour somewhere in the world” Not to mention the fact th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    11-15
    YEARS OLD
    It’s cool how when you kiss someone, everything works out so perfectly. Even when you’ve never kissed anyone before, and you weren’t expecting the kiss to happen. You’re just hanging around, thinking that he’s just going to keep talking and never get around to actually kissing you. And then, when you least expect it, he gives you that look, and .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    FRANCINE: When I was a child, I hated other children. I couldn’t imagine why they were so happy all the time. Jumping and playing around, as if nothing existed but this thing called ‘fun.’ I began to think they weren’t really having fun, they were just acting happy to make me feel worse. My parents took me to a shrink when I was ten. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    17-19
    YEARS OLD
    Explaining her traumatic freshman year to an incoming freshmen Well, I’ve only been through freshman year so far and it is not all it is cracked up to be. Take this as a warning. I spent most of my first year being completely miserable. I even thought about transferring to a different school; it was that bad. Many a night I stayed up late doing research about different schools on my laptop, while my second roommate of the year, that’s right, second roommate, was sleeping. I’ll get to the roommate thing in a minute. First of all, the food is lousy. I’d call my parents and I could hear the whole family .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-50
    YEARS OLD
    NORA: I am going to fling you right out of this hammock, Colleen Foley. You’re not taking my bed under the stars. You can’t have it. I wanted some goddamned apple pie and there was none to be had. It was you, wasn’t it? You ate the other half. No wonder you’re fat and out of shape and a mess. I wanted that pie because I was terrified. Terrified I’ve made a mess of my life. Nothing to show for a day of it. Not a real home, a pet, a MAN, a child. I could have been a chiropractor and studied the healing arts. I was hired you know, almost, but then on the third intervi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’m drunk. I’m at the greasy-pizza-and-hope-there’s-no-hangover stage. It’s not a bad thing. Tonight it’s released me from the gnawing hole in my solar plexus that you put there. I’ve just flown 3000 miles across the country away from the man I love; away from the one person who fills my soul with the sheer joy of life itself. It wasn’t easy stepping on that plane. And probably not wise, in light of our final night together. Interesting how the night is the witching hour. The whole world goes into hang-time during those hours. That’s why it’s my favorite. No obligations, no outside white noise; just the real, honest, raw, naked and perhaps vulnerable me. And maybe the vulnerable you as well. Do you have.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    Welcome to class, ladies and fabulously dressed gentleman. Today, we will learn how to obtain a wealthy man without really trying. Lesson one: BAIT! You have to maintain your bait. If a billion dollar financial advisor approached you right now, would you be ready? Not with those busted shoes and that hairstyle, you’re not. The type of man that will change your life goes to galas. You won't get an invite if you loo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    KIMBERLI: Excuse me?! What did you just say to me? How dare you come up to me and ask me “Is that your hair?” You don’t know me! What makes you think you can come up to a complete stranger and ask her that? Who do you think you are? Is that your hair? Of course it’s my hair! And why did you pick ME? What? I can’t have naturally long hair? Out of all the w.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COM./DRA.
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So, I’m plus size. More to love, right? Why is it that too little of something is seen as glamorous, just enough is a step below adequate, but too much is considered monstrous? Fat. F A T. I hate that word. If you put a PH in front of it, people think you’re hip. I just think you sound like you got hooked on phonics but refused the rehab. I won’t lie to you and say that I haven’t dreamed of what it would be like to live a day in the life of a “skinny girl”.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    LINDA: I’m into hair. All my life I have only dated, and married men with full heads of hair. My high school sweet heart was a cheating son of a bitch, but he had a full head of beautiful blonde hair. Loved it! Like sunshine! My college sweet heart weighed 328lbs and had a growth on his kneecap, but God his hair was a sparkling, shaggy red. Like a head of roses. Fresh red roses! My first husband was convicted of murdering his parents, but .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    Mommy, he took my water! My bucket was full and he poured it out! I don’t care that I wasn’t using it! It’s mine! I was busy doing other things but I plan to come back to it. And even if I don’t, it’s still mine. He just wants to wreck things all the time. How am I supposed to have time to be a princess and walk around with my face painted in my pretty dress when I have to watch my little brother? It’s not fair! He doesn’t have to watch me! I know he’s only four, but when.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    19-50
    YEARS OLD
    My head feels like it’s going to explode and my teeth are aching so badly, I’m considering getting a pair of pliers and yanking them out one at a time. With my luck they’d probably chip and I’d have to have root canals or something. Of course I can’t sleep because of my running nose, so I have to stuff tissues inside my nostrils in order to have any peace. No wonder I can’t get a man in my bed. I look like a bloody walrus. I took a Theraflu two nights ago. You know - the one you mix up with hot water and it feels like your mother’s made chicken soup. But it made me so stoned I couldn’t even dream, except to dream I was stoned and then I woke the next.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    You understand? No, you think you understand. Just because you have a Ph.D. doesn’t mean you can magically feel anyone’s pain. Have you witnessed someone you love turn into dust? Were you on the phone with him, when when he screamed for his life? No! So don’t sit here and tell me that everything is going to be okay because it’s not. My boyfriend, my best friend, the only person who knew me better than I knew myself, is dead. He’s gone! It’s only been a week and it feels like years. I try to stop myself from crying every night because I don’t want to accept it. I need him. I mi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    COUNTER GIRL: Now you’ve got her crying. I hope you are very happy you inconsiderate bully-boy-man. Thinking you can force her to eat all that food. You’re just like my husband. Pig-nosed, beetle-headed, hammer-handed bulldozer. I ought to charge you double for everything you just ordered Mr. fat dog wagging-your-tail in a china shop. I’ll give you some bananas Mr. Neanderthal, Mr. Apeman with a cudgel, force-feeding this woman. Here’s a who.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Here I am, about to get gorgeous for my very own wedding. I can’t tell you how long I have waited for this moment. You know the old saying, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?” Every time that I walked down that aisle for somebody else I’d pretend it was me in the flowing white dress, instead of some new fresh horror that was perfectly designed to make the bride look gorgeous by comparison. But I knew that one day I would have my revenge. Finally, I met Mr. Right and here I am. I found the dress of my dreams three years ago, while shopping with Cindy for bridesmaid’s dress number five. I wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    I burnt the lasagna. Is that even possible? I put it in the oven the time that it said on the box and then poof-magoof!! The alarm thing-a-ma-bob on the wall starts beeping and all this smoke starts shooting out of the oven. Why me, huh? Why do I get the highly flammable pasta sheets? All I wanted to do was make a nice meal for Dad when he came home for the weekend from training. He likes Italian food...so I thought oooo lasagna…that’ll show some skills right there. If I can make a wicked awesome cheese on sauce on carb-sheets of yum ménage-trois then I’m definitely the favorite child. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s his hands. There’s just something about his hands that make it difficult to forget about him. I mean they’re not that big, but they’re not like Gary Coleman sized either. I’m crazy. That’s it; I’m just out of my mind. I mean what was I thinking going to see Sean in the first place huh? I mean I’m engaged to Carl! And I love Carl and his normal, un-extraordinarily sized hands. It’s just Sean and I have such a sordid history. You don’t have such a whirl-wind relationship with someone for six years and suddenl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Liquoring me up isn’t going to numb the pain of your rejection! I can’t believe I come here and pour my heart and soul out to you. And what do I get? “Let’s Be Friends.” Friends? FRIENDS!! What is this really about? Is it because I share the same name as your mother…Because she is known as the Virgin Mary and I’m just Mary Magdalene? And you don’t think I know people talk? I hear the whispers. They call me a whore. The other week they threatened to st.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    10-17
    YEARS OLD
    So! I like the way you raise your hand in Miss O’Connor’s class every time she asks a question. You seem to know the answer for everything. You’re a very smart girl and Miss O’Connor has praised you as a good example for the rest o’ the class in how you always hand your homework in on time. Oh, and how neat you write. “Good penmanship,” Miss O’Connor said. You are definitely the brightest student in the class. So! I have chosen you to do my homework. You’re the lucky duck I picked. You’re gonna meet me in front of the dollar store each and ev.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve lost hope. It sounds self-indulgent to say it out loud, but I have. I came here fresh and wide-eyed like all the others. I was different. I was going to change the world. But guess what? Nothing has changed, except me. I’m 13 years older and I don’t believe I can change shit. Have you ever had a dream? I mean a real dream? Something you just can’t stop holding onto? Something more precious than anything else you hold dear in life? I’ve been a dreamer since childhood. Maybe even before that. It’s in every cell of my existence. Its tentacles are so embedded in my DNA it’ll never let go. I want to act! And I want to be the best in the world! Oo, even as I say it, I wince. To the outside world it must sou.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t breathe. But it’s not the physical breath I can’t seem to inhale, it’s everything else. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just want to be normal. A normal person wouldn’t cry if they eat ten more calories than they originally planned to eat the day before. A normal person wouldn’t have to exercise three and a half hours a day at full intensity because anything less equals loss of self-control. (beat) Aunt Lana, I need to know how you got through. Mom told me when you were my age that for an entire year you ate.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-35
    YEARS OLD
    Dr. Phillip, I'm here today because of “Mr. I Don't Love My Girlfriend.” Strike 1: He's looking at every girl's ass that walks by without even trying to hide it. Strike 2: He's on the phone texting and smiling. I wanted to be like, "Yo! Who the hell are you so happy to text at 7:46 in the morning, Jake?!" But I didn't say anythin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    BERTHA: I am a woman. Do you understand what that means, Rosco? It means, Rosco, that you treat me with kindness and respect. Or, I kill you. (Temper rising.) Now if I say I want to have dessert, you say: “Enjoy your dessert Bertha.” You don’t say: “That dessert will make you fat Bertha.” ‘Cause when you say “that dessert will make you fa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    LISA: Let me start by saying I am not responsible for what I’m about to say. I haven’t eaten all day and I have a blood sugar level problem and a thyroid problem, I think. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with either, but I’m pretty sure the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve decided to label each of my wrinkles. I turn forty tomorrow and it’s time to get creative or I won’t survive this. So, labels. This one is the I-paid-for-my-ex-husband’s-rehab wrinkle. The parentheses around my mouth are named separation and divorce. Each of the Crow’s Feet is a pregnancy scare; under my eyes are both named weight gain and all the rest are from the blind date I went on last night where the guy told me he could “see experience” in my face. He said I was a “real woman,” then insisted I pay for dinner. And I was wearing Spanx - the worst thing about turning forty. They’re great for making fat rol.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I’m back. I’m here now. It’s late, but I need to sit with you. I need to talk to you, Dad. I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know where I thought I was going, like some little snotty-nosed kid running away. But you can’t blame me. I don’t want to see you like this. I don’t want to be your nurse. I don’t want to put you deeper and deeper into sleep until you stop breathing, so I left. I guess I trudged along about a half a mile, fists jammed in my pockets, shoulders up around my ears. Every step I pushed you, this house, and Wittenberg Road behind me, hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    13-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m nine. I’m at the pharmacy with my mother buying aspirin. I say we should walk down the aisle with all the bottles of things – you know, shampoo, lotion, stuff like that – but she says she doesn’t want to, that we don’t need any of that. I walk down it anyway and she follows me. Then she starts talking to a man. He has big fingers and my mother is laughing and no one is looking at me. Right in that moment, I become invisible. I fade into the background of the stories happening around me and I’m watching the stories but I’m not in .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    40-50
    YEARS OLD
    DARLENE: WOW!! Wait…uh...Don't you think we are moving a little too fast? I mean, I usually don't move this fast on a first date, especially with someone I just met online. Listen St..Sttteee..Steven? Steven, you’re like what? Twenty-five? And I'm at least twen...uh...TEN, ten years older then you. It's not that I'm not attracted to you, of course. I am. look at you. I love the way that shirt brings out the blue in your eyes and the way it fits so n.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-25
    YEARS OLD
    Hi! Well my name is Katie, uh Katie Johnson and I’m here because I know that I would make the perfect secretary for your company. (Beat) What experience do I have? Well I can type about 100 words per minute, which I know sounds really crazy, but I can. And I also answer the phones at a really fast pace, which is good, especially when things get busy, (she stops for a moment as she looks like she’s getting sick) I’m fine, I’ve.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    You know what, Jody? Just go. It’s what you’ve always been good at…walking away. Best friends for life? You are such a selfish miserable human being and I am so sick of being your target. I’m done. You wanted to get over Barry so you thought you’d find a new guy to make him jealous…okay...decent plan. But did you have to pick Dave? You knew how I felt about him. You were there when he broke my heart. How could you have even thought twice about bringing him into this? No!!! Don’t you dare even try to say a word, I’m not finis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Terrorist: A person who terrorizes or frightens others. Let me be the first to admit: Children are terrorists. The sky is blue, our bodies need water, and children are masters of terrorism. I understand children are overwhelmingly adorable. They say cute things in cute voices while wearing cute outfits, but looks can be deceiving! Their primary objective is to break you down to the point of slight insanity. First of all, labor in itself is exactly like the battle between Bane and Batman in The Dark Knig.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    CHRISSY: One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand. I gotta get up. I’m gonna sit over there, on the rock, by the fence. Okay. I’ll be quiet now so I can see your world while we wait for the hummingbird. (She sits) Okay. This is good. This is nice. I can sit here. I can sit here for more than a minute. I’ll pipe down. silence I try. I really do. Please let me talk to you. Let me talk and then when I’m all talked out, I’ll stop. When you’re not around I try and I can’t. To sit. But as soon as I sit I look at another spot and things look better in that spot.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    I can't believe your mom is just like seriously gone all night screwing some dude! That's (fuckin') awesome! I thought I'd be like hiding out in someone's garage for the next...I dunno. I dunno how long I'm gonna be gone. (Shit), Man! I'm about to (fuckin) explode! I'm gonna mail this letter to her tomorrow, and I'm like...Aaah! Ya know? I mean, why can't she just...like not be like that? Jesus! I gotta read you this thing. I gotta just like get it out there or I'm gonna explode! Ok? Ok. (opens letter). “Dear Mom, Yeah, that's right, I'm gone, because you have made it perfectl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    You are a lifeguard! You’re supposed to be guarding my life and right now you’re doing a pretty bad job. No offense. A jellyfish stung me! On your watch, buddy. What are you going to do about it? No, I don’t want you to spray vinegar on me. I need urine but none of my friends or family members offered to pee on me. So, you’re up. Drop the trunks. What? It helps with the pain. Something about the ammonia. It was on an episode of Friends. Chandler pees on Monica when she gets stung. S.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-27
    YEARS OLD
    Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, can you please find out where the damn doctor is??!! (Beat) Hey, what happened to you? That thing on your hand, that doesn’t look too good…you should go to the hospital about that…oh right! This thing down here…well, it’s agony. See my big brother Jason over there, well tonight, that asshole convinced me to hang with his friends and play a drinking game. Did you ever hear about the one called “Splatter-Splash?” No? Well in short, it involves shots of Tequila mixed with Tabasco sauce and pickled peppers. Oh yeah, and the throwing of little knives across the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    WHY WHY WHY!!!!! Why do I get stuck with a little brother? None of my friends have little brothers. Well, Danielle Martino does but her brother is so sweet and polite. Unlike my demon of a little brother Michael. Sure he was so adorable when he was an itty whittle baby but he’s ten now and he’s always getting me into trouble. Like yesterday, He was playing baseball in the yard and he hit the bal.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    MARE: You think you can take care of a kid? You think bein’ an Aunt can make you his mother some way? You couldn’t handle a kid. Your life is so fuckin’ neat. You think you can come here and take my kid and raise him? You have white rugs! White rugs for Chris’sake. You made us eat in the yard last time those torch citron bamboo lantern jungle things with and we got bit anyways. Had red bumps for days. Lark had huge welts for a week cuz you have white rugs. You kept repeating over and over again, “the best way to the bathroom is through the kitchen,” boys piss outside anyways and all because you didn’t wanna get that w.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-27
    YEARS OLD
    How can I be so young and feel so alone? Nothing seems to interest me anymore: not my books, not my friends, not my PC. I don’t even like to go out anymore. I wish I could tell someone the way I feel, but I know they won’t understand because I don’t understand myself. My pain is choking me. It’s unbearable. Sometimes I cry all night. Other times I can’t find any tears. I’m full of emptiness. My feelings don’t exist anymore. I wish it would run away. I do. I spend everyday locked in my roo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Dick. Oh Dick. Why does this happen? Why? I love you! Yet it does. It happens. But why? Why does it have to? I remember the night we met. I had broken off with Tom who had let me know the night before he was gay. The thought of his body, and how could any man’s be as soft as mine. Then you came along, with your chipped front tooth, and tiny hands. Up and down that bar. The nerve of you. Flopping yourself down at my table. Then you offered me that drink. The first of many. I was certain what was on your mind. Did I refuse? I could have. But there you were. Looking like a fool. Your chipped too.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    When my parents divorced there was a larger custody battle over the cappuccino machine than there was over me. When I read Romeo and Juliet in ninth grade, the dog dropped it in the fireplace. I don’t believe in love. But today, I’m at the supermarket in the sweatpants I’ve been wearing for four days, standing in the frozen foods section looking at waffle varieties. And then it happened, this totally weird paralyzing vortex of unfamiliarity occurred when a hand touched mine as we both reached for the same frozen veggie pizza with pepperoni. There’s nothing glamorous about frozen pepperoni—which I’ve heard is made of p.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    Sometimes in singing competition TV shows they’ll show the tragic backstory of some wide-eyed hopeful contestant and they’re like, “I’d never been on a plane before but I left my small town in Iowa for a chance at the dream.” Then it turns out the auditions are in Iowa so they didn’t even have to take a plane. They didn’t actually lie. They just used words to get around saying, “I’m not good enough on my own, so I need some sob story so you morons will vote for me,” or whatever. That’s what Sammy did. He said he had to go to L.A. to do movies or something. Sa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, my name is Hilda. Is this the address of Yacob Smith? Good. I am your mail order bride. Why you shake your head no? You order one. I have tracking number. (Pulls out paper and reads) Amazon order number: 100002556206969. Yacob Smith. Is you, no? Okay, you listen, Yacob. That is funny name....Yacob. Sounds like women’s breast size. Jya – cup. (Puts hands out like .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    OMG BABE!! I had the craziest conversation with my mother the other day. I was telling her that we were thinking about visiting them this weekend and she was like, “Oh no, you can’t. We’re not gonna be around.” And I’m all, “What do you mean you’re not gonna be around? What could be more important than seeing your favorite child?” And before she could respond I was like, “Wait a minute; time out! Are you going to Atlantic City again?” Yeah, that’s right. Those two crazy kids are going up to the casino for.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Mark! (pause, then lose mind) Hit me over the head. Take Joey’s bat and put me out of my misery! Wait…I’ll turn around. Just do it quick. I wish I was kidding. If I have to have the same discussion, ask for the same things one more time, I’m either going to need Haldol and a tight little white jacket or I swear, I’ll run naked through the neighborhood spraying canned-cheese and screaming, “Let’s go streak through the cul-de-sac! Come .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    17-30
    YEARS OLD
    Yes, this one is perfect. I wore it to my parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary party. It’s parent tested. Maybe it’s trying too hard. But, it will say that I cared enough to dress up. That has to make me good enough for their son, right? And he said his family dresses for dinner. What does that mean, exactly? And who dresses for dinner, anyway? Do I want to belong to a family that dresses for dinner? I can’t do this. I’m not going. I don’t want to meet his parents. Not yet. Of course, they will wonder why I backed out. I have to go. I am good enough for their son. He loves me .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I work full time at a hospital, I make $9.00 an hour and I’m one paycheck away from being homeless. After I pay all my bills, I’ve got $30.00 a month left over to buy food. I’ve thought about calling Child Services to come and take my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to live this way but she wouldn’t let me. I’m such a failure. I can’t even afford to take a day off of work to look for a better paying job because my present boss will think I’m not reliable and I can’t afford to lose the job I have. I lost my last one. I broke my wrist and I had no health care. I still have no health care. I make too much to qualify for assistance, so I accrued all these medical bills. I lost my job because I couldn’t work and I didn’t qualify for Worker’s Comp. Within two months.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Mother, trying on your wedding dress isn’t fun. I look ridiculous. I get it. I totally get it. You think that I should be getting married by now. Well, that’s a lot of pressure!!! Being in your mid-twenties is pressure enough. But now this? Finding a soul mate, the one, my lobster? I mean, I can’t go on Facebook these days without it popping up into my newsfeed that someone is engaged, or they’re married or they’re pregnant or they’ve popped out another kid. Facebook is just a constant reminder that I am an unmarried spinster. And okay, I’m not helping the situation. I do tend to date the .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    You sent me a text on July 2nd and I saved it, preserved it like some rare artifact or precious gemstone. It seemed like a sign at the time. Of course, when you’re hopelessly in love, you read things into the tiniest moments and your rose colored glasses cleverly filter out any unwanted red flags. Must be a color spectrum thing. You probably don’t even remember what you wrote, much less that you wrote it at all and I know you don’t realize the significance of the date because you never took time to ask. Come to think of it, you haven’t asked much about me at all, like when’s my birthday, what kind of ice cream do I prefer, do I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday Mr. Carlson told me I looked nice when I asked him about why he gave me a B on my paper. He said he liked my necklace and then he took it - like he picked the stone up off my chest and looked at it real close. His face was like inches from my chest! It was kinda hot. I mean, like Mr. Carlson is totally hot! And you know, Ashley and Vanessa are in that class with me and they think he's hot too and I know they saw him do that as they walked out of the class and were totally jealous! I stuck out my chest too, ‘cause I knew they were watching........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-30
    YEARS OLD
    DARLENE: Mark! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me! You can’t! What? What do you mean ‘we were never together’? We had sex Tuesday at 2:46pm exactly eight months ago. And Mark… And… And…(Searching for a reason to make MARK love her.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    When no one else is in the car with me I listen to the sixties station. The voices seem pure, and there’s that crackling under the track that makes you think of a needle on vinyl and right then, only then, I miss my grandfather. Everyone knows he was a bad guy, I mean, Jesus, my dad changed our last name and everything. But I have this picture in my head, it’s—it seems stupid, I know, but it feels like something. We’re under the staircase in my childhood house, I’m about five, and we’re dancing. I’m standing on his feet, my hands are around his waist and my ear is pressed against his belly. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a fairy under my pillow. There really is! She doesn’t talk or anything but I hear her wings flapping at night. Mom says it’s just a fly cuz they make noise when they buzz around close to my light, but she doesn’t know. Adults don’t see fairies. Only kids. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Fort Lauderdale and it’s five minutes to midnight, New Year’s Eve. Girls wearing stiletto heels and too much eyeliner teeter across the boardwalk like acrobats. Strobe lights from clubs wash our faces with green and red lights, and someone in an alley is already throwing up. Josh, the boy I love, is walking six feet ahead of me with another girl, Claudia, whom he just met at the hotel pool. Claudia looks like Julie Christie from an old movie I saw on the p.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    It’s my bed and I like it untucked! You claim every morning that my bed is not made correctly. The sheets don’t need to be tucked in if I’m just going to throw the comforter over it. I don’t even understand why I have to make it. No one comes into my room while I’m at school and when I come back, I’m just going to get back into bed, so what’s even the point of making it? You are so anal about everything! You move stuff around constantly. I went to find my favorite sweatshirt in my bottom drawer th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    I wish I didn’t have to sleep in my parents’ room. I mean, they don’t make me or anything, but I always end up there. I have my own room down the hall. Mom calls it lavender but it’s really purple. I got to redo it after my brother moved into a bigger room. And I have this way cool mural on the wall with ballerinas and mermaids and an awesome quilt on my bed with a picture of Ariel on it. She’s so beautiful. I want to look like her when I g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-28
    YEARS OLD
    I had my first speaking roll on a T.V. show today. Can you believe it? Me! I was sooo nervous! I hardly slept last night! I was terrified my alarm wouldn’t go off, so I kept waking up to check it. Then I was terrified I’d forget one of my three lines or mix up the names or something and call Mr. Dawson Mr. Mason and Mrs. Mason Mr. Dawson. My stomach was doing flip-flops all morning. I even arrived an hour early, which never happens. I was so excited to go to hair and make-up and sit by the stars. But when I got there, my tongue felt like it was covered in peanut butter and I didn’t say a word. It’s kind of a strange feeling because everyone just assumes you know what’s going on, so you have to keep asking questions, like “Are you the hair person?.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    No sex. That’s a big one. To me, sex is just so annoying to go through all that emotional hubbub and then get what…three, maybe four if your partner is that good, seconds of happiness? And then you have to shower and it’s just too much effort. So if the apocalypse were coming next week, “hypothetically,” the first thing I would do is give up sex. And like, all sex, because even oral is just too much freakin’ work. And knowing of the impending doom, the guy’ll probably want to stick ar.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DEE: I love the beginning of a new day. I try to pretend it's the beginning of everything. This is the very first day, I tell myself. The first and last day of my life. Like one of those insects. The Mayfly is it? I read about it in a book. They are born, live and die in twenty-four hours. Perhaps time moves differently for them, do you think? Perhaps they live eighty years in those twenty-four hours. Today is a new day and I have to live it to the full. Do all the things I ever wanted to.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    All they do is talk to each other. I don’t understand. We aren’t in this business to “talk” to one another. We’re in it to win. I mean isn’t that what being an actor is all about? Winning and shining and showing the world how much more unbelievably incredible you are than all the “normies” out there. Well, I’ve had it with these New York actors marching into our L.A studio with their theatre laced resumes and their artistically different headshots! (Starting to open up a few of her shirt buttons to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Does this make me look fat? Actually, don’t even answer that, David. Of course you would say yes; you’re suck a dick. Yeah, you’re my husband but you’re a dick nonetheless. You secretly wish I had the dimensions of a supermodel: 34, 26 and 36. I’ve seen your collection of my Victoria Secret catalogues that .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Okay. So. When I sleep with Dennis at night, he makes this absolutely horrendously inexplicably God-awful snoring sound. Only it's, like, worse than snoring. It's like. It's like: (She imitates the sound.) And I recently I started having... nightmares. Vivid, detailed nightmares. And I sometimes wonder, “Am I going to do in life what I'm doing in these nightmares?” They always start with Dennis coming home from work. He asks me what's for dinner and I want to say, "Wh.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m done looking for a good man in New York City! I’ve been cat fished by cuckoos, cat-called by creepers. This is driving me freaking crazy! I just walked through Harlem and I swear, it felt like I was in the jungle itself. I’ve never heard so many different animal calls in my life. (Beat) “Hey Yo! Ma…waasssuuup!” What is that? In the south we have a thing called chivalry? Is that the street corner version of romance? So I thought, “Let me try the Bronx” because I love A Bronx Tale and I can be like Robert De Niro said. You know, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was journaling today about crumbs and selling myself short. I got into all the usual “poor me” stuff. You know how you do? Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure do. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong when, all of a sudden, I had this childhood memory that I’d totally forgotten about. It was about my father. He was a real bastard when we were growing up. He’s sober now; so’s my Mom. But then? Whoa. He used to clock me in the head when I said something he didn’t like. I mean so hard it made my head spin. I told my mom and she didn’t believe me, said I was making it up. Well, that made it worse. Now I was ostracized by both of them. I was determined to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    16-22
    YEARS OLD
    You don’t get it! I’ve been afraid of my father all my life. Trying to understand why he did it to my sister, trying to feel her pain and wishing it would go away. I remember my mother in the hospital… Now it was just me, my dad and sister. Everything seemed fine until he put us to sleep that night. I remember hearing my sister scream; I opened my eyes and saw.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you're going to have to face it sooner or later: I'm just not a girlie girl. I know you love that dress you bought me and I'm sorry that it was so expensive and all but, well, it has a lot of unnecessary sparkly things on it, don't you think? I just don't get sparkles. They don't do anything to hold the dress tog.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    MRS. BURNS looking disheveled: I know I look like shit..I don't care. My day started out okay. I left my house early, I caught the train right away, I got out and ordered a large coffee and my favorite a bagel with cream cheese, lox and onion and I was on my way to see you people. I finish my bagel and I reach into my pocket and realize I am out of Altoids. I have coffee, lox and onion breath. I can't be out of Altoids. And no other mint will do. Altoids: t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    MAUREEN: Do I look like a virgin? Why would you assume I’m a virgin? Look… Father O’Brien… I don’t need this stress. I come to you for counseling, not judgment. For you to say I should be proud to be a virgin is insulting. You don’t know me. I could be a slut on one of those interstate rest stops for all y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Damn teenagers baring children. Why some people bother I’ll never know. They come in here full. Proud of their bellys. Carrying suitcases for their brief stay. Holding onto their husband’s hand. Sweating and nervous. You don’t need a stethoscope to hear their hearts beating away with every second. I’ve seen so many come and go through here, like there was a sale in a department store, and they had to beat the crowd to get their first. Young and irresponsible. Can’t wait to grow up. Getting married. Hopping into bed. In such a rush it’s pathetic. Barely able to take care of themselves. It amazes me, how they expect to take care of an infant with all the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    BETTY: (Looking stage left. Yelling at RICKY.) Ricky, please do not stand on the furniture. It is very expensive, I’m sure. Get your fingers out of your mouth! (To DOCTOR.) My apologies. I just can’t control him. Ricky was such a sensible man…when I married him. It was after the ten years of marriage that he began to act… insane. Yes, I have examples. I have a ton of examples. You think I would come here, and say my husband is crazy without examples…? (To .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My sister is gay. I can’t believe it. (Beat) She did it again. Mother fucker upstaged me at our family reunion again! I’m the gay one, not her. What the fuck? I’m the one who spent my teen years wearing flannel and secretly masturbating to Heather Locklear while telling everyone I was more of a “Dylan” girl when, in fact, it was Donna Martin who set my fire ablaze on “Beverly Hills 90210.” Ahhhh she’s always doing this! Since we were kids any time I had big news or some sort of “revelation”, she always had something more important o.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    The first shoes I recall owning were not Jimmy Choos or Prada or even Kenneth Coles. I wore brown hand-me-down orthopedic oxfords. Everyone else was sporting these cute little paten leather Mary Janes and I’d come clunking along in my orthopedic oxfords. And not just sometimes. They were the only pair of shoes I owned. My mother was a product of the depression and there was nothing wasted in our house. Two pair of shoes were simply out of the question. No sneakers, no cute little black sporty numbers for a change of pace. Just standard issue basic brown orthopedic oxfords. You can imagine how attractive I felt going to church in them with my blue pleated mini skirt and my canary yellow stockings. I don’t think I would have minded so much if there had been a purpose to this exercise, but as far as I can glean to this day, I got them because my sister needed them. Therefore, it somehow followed that I must need them too. My sister was born toeing in.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    14-20
    YEARS OLD
    Tripping over her words while giving an explanation to her boyfriend’s parents about the birthday gift she gave him, which they seem to think, was inappropriate. Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham, I heard that you were upset about the birthday gift I gave to your son. When buying this gift, I did not realize that either of you would be upset. It was an inappropriate gift, I see that now and I want to apologize for putting the two of you in an uncomfortable position. I hope that you will not take this out on Sean, because I can honestly say he had nothing to do with it. He is as innocent as a baby. I do not want him to be in trouble, because if he does get in trouble, then it is my wrongdoing that put him in .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He said I wasn’t black enough. Excuse me? What color was I when I walked in the casting room? Was I purple today or a nice shade of lime green? Last time I checked I was always black enough to audition for the role of a black person. So, I’m all ready to read for Macbeth. I’ve been practicing my Shakespeare for weeks. “Was the hope drunk. Wherein you dressed yourself? Hath it slept since?” I began my monologue and was interrupted suddenly by a “Ahem, a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    50-75
    YEARS OLD
    I don't have any pictures from when I was young and in the theater. When I was almost thirty and thought, "Oh, enough of the arts. Let me get a job that actually pays," I found a job...And the woman in charge was such an aggressive bitch - excuse my language - and companies would work with her for about three months and then say for.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Dear heavenly Father, I'd like to pray for forgiveness on behalf of that floozy that has disrupted and disrespected this heavenly place, (BEAT) by failing to wear pantyhose with that blasphemous short skirt. I know you have room in your heart for all heathens and sinners, but really, HER? Are you out of lightning bolts or something? I know for a fact that she has .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    It can’t be positive. The test must be wrong. No, no, no! Not me. This stuff happens to other girls like Tara or Melissa, but not me! They’re always hanging around with the bad boys, going to parties and telling their parents they’re studying together. I’m the good kid. I get straight A’s on everything – math, science, history, you name it. I take piano lessons and go to dance class. I sell Girl Scout cookies every year. I’m even learning Chinese. Mandarin, to be exact. Do you know how .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In normal voice) Oh my god, Debra, just say hello like a normal person. “HELLO.” There we go! “Hello, I'm Debra. How are you? HOW are you? How are YOU? I am very, very, very good, thank you. I am so excited for this interview. So excited I feel I could urinate all over the place-- just pee everywhere because I'm so excited.” No, that's dumb. Just be a normal human being, Debra. “W.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    That’s right, officer. I want an attorney present. I’m not answering that either. So, appoint me one. Somebody cute. Get lost, you bum. So, I got a big mouth. I’ve got respect for myself, which is more than I can say for you. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shirt like that. And that tie. Your wife must be colorblind. You’re not married? It figures. One look at you is enough to sink a ship. Where am I from? Nova Scotia. What do I care if you believe me? Yes. Lisa Hansen’s my real name. Check it. Double check it. Quadruple check it. Go ahead and hit me. I’d love to see you try. A cocksucker like you don’t scare me. I know I’m in trouble. L.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, can we get a puppy? Can we name him after Dad? Do you think that would be confusing to have two Dads in the same house? I know you don’t think I’ll walk him, but I will, I swear I will. Larissa has two puppies. And she says they’re no problem at all. Well, except that the new one, Morgan, pees on the rug a lot, but her Mom says that’s normal. And he chewed her new sneakers, which made her Dad mad cuz he paid for them. And he ate the corner off the coffee table - not the Dad, the dog. But it’s OK because he ate the opposite corner the next week, s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    23-35
    YEARS OLD
    It's a great question, Mr. Andrews! Thank you so much for asking! What makes me a qualified candidate to display the shoes here at Target? Oh my...so many things!...uh...well, I worked with a meth head. During my internship in my final year of college. Debbie Mitchell. I was so jealous of her! She was so thin - I was so jealous! Haha! I never did it because of what it did to her skin. But ya know? Thinking back...just a little make-up made the sores almost unnoticeable. She wore a vintage 2000 lace Luis Vuitton dress to our inte.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was ancient. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone r.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Thanks, Molly. Some single moms should’ve kept their knees together, right? Don’t interrupt. I’ve tolerated your unsolicited advice, the staring, eye rolling, and you parenting my kids in front of me. I notice the assumptions that I’m irresponsible, disorganized, and even undesirable. You spew stories about your sister, Meg, whose house is never messy, who’s never late, and who is always put-together like she stepped off a Good Housekeeping-had-a baby-with-Vogue magazine. Meg-the-“single-mom” is engaged to an actual h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m gonna try being a lesbian for a while. Of course I can try! Samantha from “Sex and the City” did. I’ve done some reflecting lately. And it was while I was indulging in a bowl of fresh guacamole that I had this epiphany. I remembered what you always say…“How do I know I don’t like something unless I try it?” Once upon a time I hated guacamole until I tried it. So how do I know I don’t like girls unless I try dating them? Recently all the men I meet are the same with their commit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: Are the ropes too tight Deborah? Grunt if they are. Good. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. (SHE GRABS A KNIFE AND WALKS AROUND THE CHAIR.) You have a very nice grunt- Are you a singer? I always wanted to be a singer. Just one problem – I can’t sing. I sound like a wet cat when I croon in the shower. (Sing.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was old. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. They were beautiful Labradors. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone remember her? Did her struggles in life really matter? I hear she’s being cremated. So her body won’t even be left behind. It’s so strange. Surreal. Whe.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t know…I just had a funny feeling. It’s hard to explain…you experience it sort of. I’ve always had odd feelings tell me things. It’s the schizophrenia. I’ll go into this place in my mind, where you experience this special feeling…everything is deep purple…almost black…and I feel so high I think I’ll faint........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    RACHEL: Gum girl, gum girl? The bitch called me gum girl! Of course I said, "No" when she ask me to marry her. And besides that, she's a woman. Eeewwwww! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I'm all for gay marriage. I mean, if two people of the same sex want to get married, then they should. I put the equal signs on my Facebook page. Oh, and my uncle’s neighbor’s best friend is gay, so I don't have a proble.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    (She falls) Owwwww. Oh God I did it again didn’t I? Aw man I’m always falling and this time I think I see birds, no no wait those aren’t birds, they’re stars! Yeah there’s Shirley Temple and over there is Britney Spears, god is she ugly in person. Oh my God it’s The Beatles. (putting on a British accent) Hi guys it’s certainly been a hard day’s night for me ..as you can see I’ve take another tumble. Ok well, bye bye then. Oh how cool! There’s J-Lo!! Eeesh! What is.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    KERRI: I have often thought about having a sex change. Not for me, but for my husband. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a lesbian. And, I love Dick. ‘Dick’ is my husband. I love Dick, but that thing between his legs just drives him to do horrible stuff. At night instead of watching television with me, he pretends to be working on the computer in the next room, but I know he watches Internet .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    JUNE: Doc, I think I've figured out what is going on with me. I am a gay guy trapped inside a straight woman's body. Now, hear me out, hear me out. When I go shopping for eye make up, I don't think, "I'll get pastels." I think, "I want something fierce." (Pause) Okay, every time I take a shower I sing a different Judy Garland song. I know everybody loves Judy Garland but when I started to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-18
    YEARS OLD
    Why is it that every time I think I have an answer for something, I don’t. My mother told me that Aunt Cindy was depressed and I should spend some time with her. I thought that shopping would be the perfect thing to cheer her up. We could try on clothes, she could buy me something - just like when I was little. Turns out that there are things that shopping can fix, and things it can’t. We used to have so much fun. She was not fun this morning. Finally, we stop for lunch. I decide to take t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Ok, I’m not gonna lie. I think I may be drunk. But the thing is, I’m not really sure what that means. You see tonight I got together with the girls at Bunny’s cousins house and they were drinking these drinks out of these teeny tiny little cups and I was just thinking…”How cute” it’s like cups for Mickey mouse!!! I couldn’t resist so I asked Bunny if she could get me one. She kind of looked at me like “ya sure?” and I was like “ya’huh” and then she was all “you know it’s jibbijabboowaheew.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WENDY: Single people have always frightened me. I mean, they have to make decisions on their own. That could be dangerous. I can’t even buy a pack of gum without consulting my husband. “Should I buy the sugar free gum?” I ask. “No, you are super allergic to that artificial sweetener in that one.” He says. See. I could have died if I was single. And the hunting mode single people go into at social functions- it is .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-23
    YEARS OLD
    Beauty is more than skin deep. I mean, it’s great that people want a person’s heart to count for more than what is on the outside…I get that. I do…but what about the people who have nothing else? I know you think my dropping out of law school to study cosmetology seems crazy to you guys, but Mom, Dad…it’s what makes me happy. Makeup makes me happy. Applying makeup to people makes me happy. We live in a society where human beings judge their fellow inhabitants first and foremost on what they look like; you know, what color their eyes are, does their hair color match their skin tone, is the color nail polish they’re wearing an in.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    DIANE: A homeless man slapped me today. He just stood up. Called me a bitch and slapped me. Mother, is it wrong that I enjoyed it? It was the first time a real man touched me in a very long time. And he smelled like fish and beef, and Lucky Charm.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t want to be stuck, crusty, hard-hearted or angry. (to self) Am I bitter? I’m bitter. I am. I am. NO! Help, God! I am a bitter, almost-middle-aged woman who is barely lady-like because I’ve gotten tough. Hard, and not in the take-on-the-world good way. Uuuh. But I want to be one of those sweet people who well up with tears when someone tells me something beautiful or sad. I want to believe people when they take vows before God in stunning dresses, perfectly gelled h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    8-16
    YEARS OLD
    I have fifteen dollars and twenty-seven cents in my piggy bank at home, Celia. You can have it all right now if it’ll help. I like the apartment. It’s a little dusty, but it’s really not that bad. I’ve lived in worse places before I got placed with Mr. and Mrs. Welles. They’re super nice to me, not the way the Tiernos were last year. It’s like we’re becoming a real family, like the way you, me, and Mom were before she died. You know, I still have the mark on my arm from the oven incident. You know that time Mr. Tie.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    MIRANDA: How shoud I know why he was hiding in the bushes!?! He’s always hiding somewheres. Behind the door. Under my bed. Behind the shower curtain. I do not hang out with him. I do not like his character. I like legit men. Men like you Officer…(Looks at his name on his tag) “Officer Waterson.” (Adjust her hair or breast, to flirt.) You gonna read me my rights or am I going to have to do something illegal? Well, we could go back to my place and I could rip the tag.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was cooking dinner on the stove when I heard him walk in. I didn't turn to look at him. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a good night or a bad one. The next thing I knew, he was pressed up against my back, the smell of whiskey strong on his breath. He says, "Spaghetti again?" and knocks the pot off.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Spring is here and we all know what that means. Flowers are in bloom, love is in the air, and I’m trying to find more creative ways to hide my legs. I’m not hiding them for religious reasons or anything, although I should say that’s my excuse from now on, but I’m just a simple girl with simple, run-of-the-mill self-loathing qualities. Thank God for hipsters making woo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I killed that stalker! He showed up at my front door. I don’t even know how he got my address? (Beat) I always thought he was weird, you know, snooping around the neighborhood, always wearing the same blue outfit. He was always looking so suspicious with those bags and boxes he was carrying around, leaving little packages and envelopes of God-knows-what on doorsteps. The first time he left something on my stoop I thought it was unusual. He knew exactly which month I.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    He just plowed me over. Did you see that everyone? I'm standing here about to sit down and he just slips in between me and the seat, and plows me out of the way! You don't deserve that seat now. That seat was rightfully mine. I was standing in front of it. There are no manners in you people anymore. I'm a young girl, with heels on, mind you and would like to sit down and you jackass businessmen think you have the right over someone like me to take their subway seat. What happened to men being chivalrous and polite to women, letting them sit, holding the car door for them, and pushing their chair in at the dinn.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    You don’t understand, it was the single most traumatic experience of my life. WORST WOMEN’S RESTROOM EVER! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use a public bathroom ever again. First of all the smell was unlike anything I’ve ever let clog my nostrils. It wasn’t quite urine in itself but like a mix of molded rye bread and kitty litter. Then of course I approached the stall and began to see red. And I’ll spare you further details on that one, but I think you get the point. I’m a bit disgusted with my own kind…women. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh come on! You’re kidding me right? Look, dude, I’ve had a really shitty night and I don’t have anything you’d possibly want to rob, so why don’t you just put that toy you call an automatic away and go back to daycare, I’m tired. (beat) Look, seriously, I have nothing for you. Oh what this? This little tiny piece of shit that I got from Target? You think there’s something worthwhile in here? Look at it!! It’s so small I don’t even think my dental dam would fit in here! I’ve just come from one of the worst nights of my life: my boyfriend decided he.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    10-14
    YEARS OLD
    I thought this year would be different. Some of the other girls developed over the summer. And some of them are stuffing their bras now. But they are all still just teasing me. (pause) What nobody understands is that I like to flirt just like everyone else. I’d never actually do anything with a boy. But, I don’t think I’m a tease. What am I supposed to do when guys flirt with me? I guess I just assumed that they wanted to hang out with me, whethe.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-21
    YEARS OLD
    My mother is dead, not physically dead, but dead to me. I don’t know what it feels like to have a mother anymore; someone who’s supportive, who you can trust and is always there for her child. The woman who gave birth to me is nothing like the mothers I see on TV. She’s negative in every way. She has a nasty attitude and treats me like I’m garbage. She would never ask if I ate dinner or how my day was. I don’t remember the last time she told me she loved me. I feel her rage trying to get into my soul. She works hard to make me feel bad abou.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: (soaked from head to toe) They really should have directions in the bathroom on how to work the bidet. How was I supposed to know you should not look directly at the bidet when turning it on? It shot up like a geyser! I almost drowned, Marci. (MARCI IS CONFUSED. TRYING TO EXPLAIN.) The bidet! The thing by the toilet in the bathroom! No, it’s not a toilet. I know it looks like a toilet, but it’s not. It’s for cleaning yourself after you use the bathroom. It’s called a bidet and it shoots a very dang.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend says I’ve got “junk in the trunk.” I don’t know why he’s so smug. You ask me, he’s the one carrying a spare tire. Did you know that the spare they carry around in a car is called a donut? How’s a girl supposed to go on a diet with all this food around her? Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me on that one. I should own stock in the diet industry. I’ve Zoned, Atkinsed, Weight Watched, Jenny Craiged and Lucille Robertsed my way through the diet circuit. Remember Susan Powter? “Stop the insanity!” I think she musta’ gone insane cuz no one’s heard of her in a long time. So now I’m thinking of starting my own diet – “The Cardb.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I'm tired. I feel like low-sodium chicken broth. Literally - like I am the base of a soup, but not yet that soup. Just waiting in the box in the fridge. Waiting to be poured out. Waiting to become the soup I will become, but completely unaware of the plan of the cook. And who the hell is the cook? I don't know. I went to Jackie's baby's christening this weekend. That was a mind trip! I saw her breast-feed her child. I mean...I saw her BREAST-FEED HER CHILD. I can't wrap my mind around it. It was way too adult..........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    I was at Sarah Granville’s party Friday night. Imagine me, unimaginative math dweeb girl invited to the head cheerleader’s party. I mean, I know I got her out of a jam when her parents hired me to tutor her for midterms, but that’s just business. I said, “Me? Are you serious?” “Yeah,” she said, “You’re cool.” Woah! If the heavens had opened up and shone the light of God on me at that very moment, I wouldn’t have been more shocked! I had just been anointed by the goddess of glam herself! OMG, the “cool factor,” a one-way pass to easy street. But then it hit me. Oh Gawd! What would I wear? I ransacked my entire closet for three hours. Nothing. There was not one shred of couture that would make me look any less th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m used to it. I float so much I’m turning into a cork. Sometimes it’s better to go with the tide than against it. You can be like water and then you can be like fire. Okay, so I don’t know what any of that crap means, but I read it somewhere once and I find the words comforting. Poetic. Why can’t I be poetic? Why can’t I be a floating cork? It’s better than being a fat pig. When I was a kid they called me a fat tub o’ shit. Oh, you can’t tell now cuz I lost forty pounds the summer I turned fourteen and I’ll starve myself now rather than be fat again. Can you keep a secret? Somet.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-36
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, so let’s see what we have on the menu tonight. The usual crowd. Slick Joe at the end of the bar. Been doin’ the same patter for three years. One night he might actually get lucky. God bless him for his tenacity. Randy Andy by the jukebox. Now he’s a sexy little number. That tossled hair does it for me. Then there’s Wayne. A bit of a cokehead, but nice to look at, especially when he’s playin’ stick. He can lean over a pool table like nobody I know. The thing about being behind the bar is you’ve got your pick of the litter. I mean, all I’d have to do is point and these guys would be all over me, but where’s the sport in that? I want something untamed. Someone to knock me off my rhythm, ya know? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I said, “Why don’t we all sit down together and have a coffee and talk everything over?” They laughed at me. The man with the gun got angry. “Why do you teach their children?!” he screamed at me. “You are one of us. Why do you teach these scum’s children?! They are lice! They are shit on the face of the earth!” “What do you want of me?” I asked him. “What of you!” he was still screaming. “We want you to watch. Watch the miracle. We are in charge now. We are taking over.” Jovan looked across at me. He looked sympathetic. It was Pak who too.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    21-45
    YEARS OLD
    Are we done, Joe? Cuz it feels like we’re done. I’m in your bed and I’m pretty sure I’m in your heart, but I’m definitely NOT in your life. You said Monday. Remember? That was after you said Friday. And you were good enough to actually call Friday and tell me it wasn’t going to work and I was fine with that. Really. Because I had Monday to look forward to. I was even lobbying for Sunday and you said maybe, which was hopeful, but then I get a text that Sunday was definitely no good and I don’t even hear from you on Monday. You don’t answer your text or your phone. You just ignore the date and the fact that I exist at all. Somehow you can sext me ad infinitum when there’s no danger of actually seeing me, b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Hello there. My name is Bethany, Bethany McGregor, and I’m here to audition (beat). Ok thank you. Well, I’m a performer, no actually I’m a star. Yep that’s right I’m a star. You know when I was in high school I got voted most likely to succeed. Yes…I mean it was just last week, of course I plan to graduate early because…that’s just what I do! Funny how as a joke I was also voted most likely to become an ax murderer. But enough about how great I am, lets talk about how I got so great. Well when I was a little girl I always believed that I was a butterfly.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    TRISH: This is my first time on a quiet train. (Pause) It's really quiet. When I first heard about it I was like, "Whoa, let me get on that train." Because sometimes you are on a train and you just want to read or go to sleep and someone will be like blah blah blah. Well, you're reading so you must know what I mean. Can you imagine if you were on the other train? HA! .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    What do you think of the Rorschach test? Now they’re saying it’s based on a Swiss Parlor game. Years ago they said it was based on clouds. A man looked up at the sky and saw clouds move and got this idea. These young people are constantly trying to re-create history. History is a mystery. Leave it alone. Why not create something uplifting? I illustrated five of the Pippi Longstocking books and was Art Director for McCalls all before I was thirty and this was in the fifties. I’m in Who’s Who. Of course this made me very anxious. My mother a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    A stripper kicked me in the eye! VEGAS! Look, I was minding my own business when I noticed that the guy in the booth next to us had two strippers dancing on him. That’s just greedy, you know? What about all the other sad, lonely men? One of the strippers was impressive. She had her leg up on the divider like this. (mimics stripper by holding leg up and attempts dancing with her leg raised, but badly) I used to be a dancer. I didn’t think anything of it, laughed a little and went back to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DONNA: I gotta be honest with you Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there just admitted to all her girlfriends that she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to sw.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Just a minute, young man, come over here. Do you know what I found in the back seat of my car? Hmm? (holds up a tiny piece of something)…I know it’s a piece of foil wrapping. Don’t be a smart ass…It wasn’t too small for me to figure it out, and I know that you’ve seen it before…That’s right, it’s a piece of a condom wrapper. I thought I’d clean up my car today…Don’t interrupt. If you HAD cleaned it well, I wouldn’t have found this, would I? Now, I’m actuall.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love you. I enjoy being with you; I enjoy our laughter. I like seeing you smile, especially when it lights up your whole face. I love you. I do. But sometimes it’s not enough. It’s not enough to outweigh all the things I don’t say. In my deepest silences I’m afraid to admit the truth because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you. If anyone should get hurt, it should be me because I c.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    He was mad when he found out what I done. That’s where I got this shiner. But I don’t care. I ain’t never goin’ back there. You can’t imagine what he’s like when he’s drinkin’, which is most o’ the time. Unless he’s passed out. He wasn’t as bad when Mama was alive, but he was still pretty awful. I don’t know how she stood it. They say she died givin’ birth to my baby sister, but I think she died of a broken heart. So I raised her babies; wiped their noses and changed their diapers. I had to steal money to feed ‘em off his dresser when he was passed out and I took the whoopin’ when he woke up. But they got food and they went to sch.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    As the lights come up, we see a woman trying on a ring in a jewelry store and talking to the clerk. Oh, it’s absolutely stunning! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Now, you say it’s a one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass produced. He has a thing that way. So, how many karats are the diamonds? Lovely. Inspecting the ring. Oh yes, yes. I see exactly what you mean. I’ll probably pay cash for it. Of course, I can’t buy it today. I want George to see it first and he has a big meeting this afternoon. Too bad. I would have liked to wear it to dinner tonight. It’s our anniversary. Begins to remove the ring, but can’t get it off her finger. Oh, dear. It appears to be stuck. My hands always swell in the summer. I’m sure I can get it off. It’s no problem. She tries licking her knuckle. It still won’t budge. Smiling weakly. Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? I’m sure George will approve. She pales .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him, Mom, but I don’t think I can marry him tomorrow. I ordered these shoes from Paris two months ago and I was not only promised they would fit, but that they would make me feel like a princess at her coronation. Well, they don’t fit and I feel more like a witch at the stake, flaming feet first! (Weepy) It’s not fair. Don’t I get a chance to feel pretty? The shoes are everything Mom. I can’t wobble down the aisle. Not to mention, look at these blisters? These are.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-37
    YEARS OLD
    (Sitting at the cafe) Okay, okay, so you'll never guess who I slept with last night. Oh shit, I think I may have given it away… But oh my God, can you believe it? I know. It's so unlike me. I know it was my first date with Bob but we had such a connection. I knew when I first started talking to him in the bar that we were meant to be together. And let me tell.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’m so tired of this, Harry! You (quote fingers) “can’t believe I didn’t get you off?” REALLY? Well, let’s see. Maybe I wasn’t all that into sucking your toes. I mean, seriously, if you’re going to ask for that get a pedicure…at least. And I’m not thrilled with being asked ten times, every time we’re naked, if I’m impressed with “Thor the War Hammer,” especially given that Thor so rarely goes to battle. I mean, the sexual obstacle course I have to endure in the sl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    Ya know, I’m all for organic. I really am. Eating healthy is the best thing for our bodies. Like putting premium gas into your car. You pay a bit more, but you’re getting good quality….except when you’re not. Since when is Veggie Booty a food group?? I found organic Ritz crackers in the “health food” store the other day. Do you know how much sodium is in a Ritz cracker? Why does the Ritz dude need to suddenly go green? Or how about organic potato chips? I found shel.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    VELMA: (TO AUDIENCE) My name is Velma, and it all happened one rainy afternoon. I locked the bedroom door. The cupcake was on the vanity. (SHE BEGINS TO RELIVE THE MOMENT AND TALK TO THE CUPCAKE) Hello cupcake, I’m Velma. Been on a diet for the last three months Velma. Getting married in two days Velma. Two pounds until my goal weight Velma. Going to eat you like a starving Grizzly Bear, Velma. (TO AUDIENCE) My fiancée then entered the room. To say I was surprised was an understatement. (RE-LIVING STEVE’S ENTRA.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-25
    YEARS OLD
    I’m a virgin. Yup! Shocker, right? My gynecologist thought so. Last week at my annual appointment, she asked the typical 20 questions during the exam. “Do you smoke?” NO. “Do you do drugs?” NO way. “Do you drink?” Occasionally. “Do you have a boyfriend?” Yes. “Are you practicing safe sex?” …. We haven’t had sex yet. Her mouth practically dropped to the floor. Now, I’m slightly drunk, otherwise there’s no way in HELL I would be telling you, a complete stranger, this very intimate information. I’m 22 years old, living in the 21st century, where everyone has sex at 16 years old, but I have yet to hav.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Polly. Pretty Polly. Am I pretty? Tell me. Am I still pretty? Do I turn you on? (Flashes a leg) I'm needy, not always so needy, but I'm needy now. (Pause) Little things that I accepted without question now they question and I try to answer. (Pause) In the westerns they come at the end of the film. Charge! The bugle blows and the cavalry come charging over the hill with guns blazing and the others run away or get mown down in a hail of bullets but the trick is to keep talking because I watched to see what the victims would do and they closed their mouths, begged, cried or screamed out defiance but they stopped brea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    28-38
    YEARS OLD
    What am I waiting for? Some guy to say I'm pretty and I have nice shoes and here's my number? No! I don't need anyone to tell me I'm great. I'm fine just the way I am. I have my own job, my own place and I have friends like you. So what do I need a man for? Someone who talks a good talk and says, “Oh, you're beautiful; oh, you're the best; yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    16-20
    YEARS OLD
    She’s repulsive. She smokes like twelve cigarettes every forty minutes. I know, because I counted…I couldn’t help it, it was fascinating. And she does this thing with her nose when she clearly thinks you’re saying something that she’s too good for. I mean I get that she’s got a really good job and an expensive gynecologist but come on!! Two y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1-2MIN
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Tara: I was so fucking high, Jake. Oh man. It’s really not an uncommon story. I was just high. That’s all. And I did something seriously fucked up. ...Things weren’t going my way that day as usual and I needed another hit. Really, I hadn’t enough to begin with a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you. You look lovely as well. But um, let's go ahead and cut to the chase. Why waste years putting our best feet forward only to suffer the inevitable nervous breakdown when we get to know the "real” us? I wanna know your worst. What's the worst thing about you? Fine, I’ll start... I don't brush my teeth everyday. There's days when I'm running late and I gargle coffee and pop some bubble gum to make up for it. Speakin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    WANDA: Sally! Stop eating the bread like that! It’s frightening how you eat food. Like a dog over his bowl. Anyhow, so I’m in the bathroom and this older lady bumps into me. I say: “Excuse You” with a little attitude- she’s for-sure from New York because she didn’t even notice. So then I sit there, minding my own business, reading on the stall wall how if I want a good time I can ca.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Stop screaming! My head is killing me. Sorry guys, had way too much last night. I'm not sure if you guys drink or not but when you do go to Jimmy’s for the two for one shot special, tell them Liza sent you. We had quite a celebration last night. My cousin, Marie finally divorced her scum bag husband, Mike. I told her to drop him the second he star.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: (Holding one shoe.) You know why I don’t believe you Alexander? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say you love me? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say I’m your angel? Because you never said any of those things to me before I.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, I will return this serve. I can do this. (shouts) I’M READY. (jumps out of the way of an imaginary ball). ARGG! I WASN’T READY. You have to wait a second after somebody says they’re ready. How can I be ready when I’m still talking? GIVE ME A SECOND, PLEASE. Okay, now I’m ready. (swings at ball) OOPS! SORRY. Oh, that was so lame. YES, I AM TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU SHOWED ME. How was I supposed to absorb any of that with you standing so close to me? This was a bad idea. I look like an id.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For fuck’s sake, Carson, so sorry I’m late. So many Starbucks and Juan, my building super, was pissed because I threw my empty 2% milk carton in the trash. Apparently, empty 2% milk cartons are not trash; they are recyclables. Well, I say, “Good for Juan!” Thank you, Juan, for educating my dumb ass. (Checking her iPhone as she speaks) Why can’t I see this screen? (Takes off shades and speaks into iPhone) Siri, text Juan: “I’m sorry.” Siri? For fuck’s sake, Siri is almost dead. Wher.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    Yes, YES! I do. Okay? I want to surrender. I get it. I’m always moving and it’s just… I’ve never, I never… um… (Trying not to cry) It was just me. So, I had to protect me, and now I have to protect him. He’s just a baby and I’m broke. I pay the lawyer and my student loans, barely. I work and pump. I nurse and sleep, nurse and eat, and nurse and pee. (Crying) I clean our tiny apartment, grocery shop, change diapers and wonder why, if I’m this busy, haven’t I lost my baby tummy y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    JANET: So, I decided to take up yoga. Yoga!!!! Yoga! Frank, are you deaf? Is yoga such a foreign word to you that your mind rejects it? That’s your problem Frank, you’re closed minded. This is what I’m learnin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh please, who does he think he’s fooling? She’s been in there for, like, an hour, almost. That is how long it takes to deliver a package? (towards closed door) We all know what kind of package you’re delivering. What kind of work environment is created when you know your boss is, like, doing the delivery girl? He thinks that because he gave me a raise and my own little office, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Yeah, whatever! I am so tempted to like, just call his new wife, Tiffany and spill the beans! She thinks t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    A zit the size of a moon crater on the first day of class?! You have got to be kidding me! Maybe if I wear a bag over my head no one'll notice. How am I gonna make Bradley Thomas notice me looking like this? I look like a swamp creature from the deep! I wish the earth would swallow me whole. Oh, no. Just realized I’m wrong. He'll notice, all right - probably nickname me pizza face or something and it'll st.......
    Price $3.99