• FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    RUTHIE: The monkey threw his poop on me. He just pooped, picked it up, and threw it on me. And it was at that very moment that I realized who that little beast reminded me of. You, Mark. You are my poop throwing Monkey. You are selfish. You are messy. You make discusting noises. And you are always throwing your shit on me. And I h.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    ALEXANDER: You are an wicked woman, Wilma. I see it in your eyes. You try to cover the evil with that blue stuff and those erotic long eyelashes, but I know the truth. I see the truth in you. I’m a living polygraph! You hear that Wilma? A poloygraph! A truth finder. So you go ahead. Take that gun and kill me and put me out of my misery. I’d rather be dead than have to listen to you act so innocent while you bitch about my socks on the floor, my dirty dishes in the sink, my snoring, my teeth grinding, my forgetfulness, my remote control issues, my inability to close a fucking cabinet door, my--(Realizing. Drops to f.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    40-70
    YEARS OLD
    ANITA: I brought roses for you. I hope you like them. (Places roses on ground.) If you don’t, then you are stupid, because everyone likes roses. It’s very difficult, you know. Explaining to everyone how you passed away. Why couldn’t you have died like a normal person? Doing something normal. I’d love to say: “My husband died in his sleep.” Or, “My husband died in a car accident........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For the love of God, will you please get off the floor? Look, this is our first date. I’m not sure if I’m ready to marry you. No, I’m not upset. No, I’m not surprised. You’re not the first man to propose to me on the first date. I use Herbal Essence Shampoo. I’m just kidding. I sounded like a commercial, didn’t I? I’m studying to be a commercial actress. But seriously, ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    TRINA: You see, often people run up to me with huge smiles and say, “Hey Susie, I haven’t seen you in forever! What’s up?” Or “Susie? Susie Johnson is that you?” I usually say, “Oh yeah, it’s me.” And then I tell them what’s up. I tell them I have a new number. We exchange numbers.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Parker, come here. This is so embarrassing. Don’t pee there! (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) He doesn’t usually do this. I’m not a bad parent and I usually have complete control! I never ignore him to check my email or Facebook page. I cook all his meals! Yes, he still sleeps in my bed, but we are working on it. Right, Parker? Parker! Please don’t make me chase you again. You know I am still recovering from that soul cycle class. (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) That .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Johnny, stop hitting my boyfriend’s head with the “Star Wars” light saber and listen to me. I have something to tell you, Young Skywalker. (Turns to her boyfriend) You okay, Frank? Good. Go to the bathroom and wipe the blood off your nose. And give Johnny and me a moment. And, please put your pants back on. (Holds up photo) I didn’t want to do this Johnny...but your treatment of Frank, the love of my life, leaves me no choice. See this photo, Johnny? This beautiful photo of you, your mom, your dad, and your little whi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    CLARA: I know what you're thinking: "What is she doing here?" I'll tell you what she's doing here...I'm changing my life. I haven't had a job in ten years. The little money my husband left me is almost out. So, I've come to a decision. I'm changing my life. You don't think I can do it, do you? You doubt me. These loins have brought forth life, yet you doubt my ability to change my own. It all came to me while I was riding the subway. My stomach was growling, so I decided to have a mint to calm my tummy, so I wouldn't disturb the sleeping homeless guy sit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-35
    YEARS OLD
    REBECCA: My boyfriend is addicted to sex. Unfortunately it’s not with me. It’s with his mother’s best friend. It’s with the stripper he met at the corner deli. It’s with this girl that works with him at the hair salon. Yes, he works at a hair salon. No, he’s not gay. My girlfriend Katie says he sleeps with women to prove he’s not gay.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    FLORA: I can’t imagine a life without coffee. If I had to choose between my husband and my coffee, I would select my coffee. If I had to choose between my children and my coffee, I would select my coffee. Just kidding, I don’t have children. God, what kind of mother would I be? “Here’s my child, now give me a latte!” (La.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    WYNONA: Hi. How are you? Before we get in the car and start this little adventure called my driver’s test…A few things about myself: I have a rare genetic disease where I have too many male genes and that causes me to be colorblind. Sometimes I don’t see yellow or red. But I have memorized the order of the lights. I know which color is on top, middle, and bottom. I’m also a little psychic, and sometimes I see dead people. Seriously........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    KATIE: (Eating popcorn.) So I said: “Sir, your penis is touching my leg.” And he said: “I’m not a Sir. I’m a doctor. A dentist to be exact.” Can you believe it? No apology. No humiliation. Just a title correction. No, I couldn’t report him. Seriously. I have gone through six dentists in the last two years. Dr. Snider i.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    PAUL: She said I was a flake. I asked: “What does that mean?” She said it meant that I cancelled our date three times. I said: “But, I’m here now.” That’s when she punched me in the nose. Then she said: “I’m sorry.” I said: “Apology not accepted.” Then she informed me that, her punching me in the nose, was the same as me punching her emotionally, by canceling our date three times. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    TAMMY:I am an embarrassment to my entire family. You see, I was born and raised on a giant chicken farm, right outside of Geneva, Alabama. And for me to be allergic to chicken eggs, it is just unacceptable to my family. I mean, I’m sure you can understand. It’s like being allergic to meatballs and you’re Italian. Or allergic to spring rolls an.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    FRANCINE: When I was a child, I hated other children. I couldn’t imagine why they were so happy all the time. Jumping and playing around, as if nothing existed but this thing called ‘fun.’ I began to think they weren’t really having fun, they were just acting happy to make me feel worse. My parents took me to a shrink when I was ten. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    LINDA: I’m into hair. All my life I have only dated, and married men with full heads of hair. My high school sweet heart was a cheating son of a bitch, but he had a full head of beautiful blonde hair. Loved it! Like sunshine! My college sweet heart weighed 328lbs and had a growth on his kneecap, but God his hair was a sparkling, shaggy red. Like a head of roses. Fresh red roses! My first husband was convicted of murdering his parents, but .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    BERTHA: I am a woman. Do you understand what that means, Rosco? It means, Rosco, that you treat me with kindness and respect. Or, I kill you. (Temper rising.) Now if I say I want to have dessert, you say: “Enjoy your dessert Bertha.” You don’t say: “That dessert will make you fat Bertha.” ‘Cause when you say “that dessert will make you fa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    ROSCO: Would you like some coffee with that chocolate cake, Bertha? I can order you coffee, if you’d like, Bertha. Okay. If you are sure… But, if you change your mind. Just let me know. Um, Bertha… There is something I would like to talk about. I’d like to talk about something you said earlier. No. Not the castrating thing. No. Not the death thing. Though those were very disturbing things to say to someone after only dating t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    LISA: Let me start by saying I am not responsible for what I’m about to say. I haven’t eaten all day and I have a blood sugar level problem and a thyroid problem, I think. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with either, but I’m pretty sure the.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    CHRIS: Do you see him? The man standing right beside me. The one with the black, curly mustache.You don’t do you? Be honest, you don’t see him, do you? No one sees him but me. I think I might need some professional help. Some kind of medication. Because, I’m too old for an imaginary friend with a mustache. I wonder what the mustache symbolizes. (Turning to her right, to speak to the IMAGINARY MAN.) Can you please stop talking to me right now? I’m trying to talk to a real person. (Turning back to speak to the “REAL PERSON.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    BRYAN: I have had it! I refuse to do this anymore. You think because I’m kind, and gentle, and polite, and all that stuff that I am- you think because of all that, that you can…Janet, don’t interrupt me. You know it’s hard for me to hold a sentence together. Especially when I’m trying to say something. I can’t do this anymore. I can.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-30
    YEARS OLD
    DARLENE: Mark! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me! You can’t! What? What do you mean ‘we were never together’? We had sex Tuesday at 2:46pm exactly eight months ago. And Mark… And… And…(Searching for a reason to make MARK love her.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILLIAM: I want my life to be a movie, so I created my own sound track. (Deep voice.) This is my narrating voice over music, as I run in Central Park. (Running while creating inspirational noise that can be music.) I began my training at age three, running from my mother, when she wanted to wipe my runny nose. It was my dream to be in the New York Marathon someday, but the conflict was I didn’t live in New York, and I wasn’t old enough to drive to the metropolis of my dreams. (Singing ins.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    LARK: My name is Lark. My Mama named me that. I would have liked a normal name, like Brian or Ricky, but I ain’t that lucky. (Realizing and excited.) Lucky would be a better name too! I once saw a show with a character named Lucky. He had spiked hair and I liked it. My hair is.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    MAUREEN: Do I look like a virgin? Why would you assume I’m a virgin? Look… Father O’Brien… I don’t need this stress. I come to you for counseling, not judgment. For you to say I should be proud to be a virgin is insulting. You don’t know me. I could be a slut on one of those interstate rest stops for all y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    BETTY: (Looking stage left. Yelling at RICKY.) Ricky, please do not stand on the furniture. It is very expensive, I’m sure. Get your fingers out of your mouth! (To DOCTOR.) My apologies. I just can’t control him. Ricky was such a sensible man…when I married him. It was after the ten years of marriage that he began to act… insane. Yes, I have examples. I have a ton of examples. You think I would come here, and say my husband is crazy without examples…? (To .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    TOMMY: I can explain why I’m in the bushes. I’m hiding from you. Wait- that didn’t’ come out right, officer. Let me try again. Miranda! Miranda, the girl who screamed “Peeping Tom!” and pointed to me and ran. Yeah, that’s the one. She told me to hide in the bushes. So you see, I can’t be a stalker if the person who accused me of stalking asked me to hide in the bushes. Oh, I can explain that .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: Are the ropes too tight Deborah? Grunt if they are. Good. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. (SHE GRABS A KNIFE AND WALKS AROUND THE CHAIR.) You have a very nice grunt- Are you a singer? I always wanted to be a singer. Just one problem – I can’t sing. I sound like a wet cat when I croon in the shower. (Sing.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    KERRI: I have often thought about having a sex change. Not for me, but for my husband. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a lesbian. And, I love Dick. ‘Dick’ is my husband. I love Dick, but that thing between his legs just drives him to do horrible stuff. At night instead of watching television with me, he pretends to be working on the computer in the next room, but I know he watches Internet .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WENDY: Single people have always frightened me. I mean, they have to make decisions on their own. That could be dangerous. I can’t even buy a pack of gum without consulting my husband. “Should I buy the sugar free gum?” I ask. “No, you are super allergic to that artificial sweetener in that one.” He says. See. I could have died if I was single. And the hunting mode single people go into at social functions- it is .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    DIANE: A homeless man slapped me today. He just stood up. Called me a bitch and slapped me. Mother, is it wrong that I enjoyed it? It was the first time a real man touched me in a very long time. And he smelled like fish and beef, and Lucky Charm.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    ROGER: (Speaking loud, as if yelling over club music.) So, you’re into hair. Me too. Well not jars of hair. I’m into my own hair. I spend a lot of time on my hair. (Smiling, then realizing.) I’m not queer! (Confused) Is that the right word? “Queer?” Or is it, “heterosexually challenged”? Or, “vagina challenged”? (Noticing a guy across the bar) I bet that guy over there is “challenged”. Look at him dance. You go girl! (Trying to be politically correct.) I like the way he dances. I like .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    MIRANDA: How shoud I know why he was hiding in the bushes!?! He’s always hiding somewheres. Behind the door. Under my bed. Behind the shower curtain. I do not hang out with him. I do not like his character. I like legit men. Men like you Officer…(Looks at his name on his tag) “Officer Waterson.” (Adjust her hair or breast, to flirt.) You gonna read me my rights or am I going to have to do something illegal? Well, we could go back to my place and I could rip the tag.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    JOHNNY: Hi, my name is Johnny McKinney, and I would like to report my wife for spousal abuse. No, she didn’t physically hit me. However, emotionally, for three years now, emotionally and mentally, she has certainly beaten the hell out of me. “Put the toilet seat down, Johnny.” “Do you really need t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: (soaked from head to toe) They really should have directions in the bathroom on how to work the bidet. How was I supposed to know you should not look directly at the bidet when turning it on? It shot up like a geyser! I almost drowned, Marci. (MARCI IS CONFUSED. TRYING TO EXPLAIN.) The bidet! The thing by the toilet in the bathroom! No, it’s not a toilet. I know it looks like a toilet, but it’s not. It’s for cleaning yourself after you use the bathroom. It’s called a bidet and it shoots a very dang.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: I gotta be honest with you, Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there, just admitted to all her girlfriends that, she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to swim in a pool where wome.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DONNA: I gotta be honest with you Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there just admitted to all her girlfriends that she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to sw.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    VELMA: (TO AUDIENCE) My name is Velma, and it all happened one rainy afternoon. I locked the bedroom door. The cupcake was on the vanity. (SHE BEGINS TO RELIVE THE MOMENT AND TALK TO THE CUPCAKE) Hello cupcake, I’m Velma. Been on a diet for the last three months Velma. Getting married in two days Velma. Two pounds until my goal weight Velma. Going to eat you like a starving Grizzly Bear, Velma. (TO AUDIENCE) My fiancée then entered the room. To say I was surprised was an understatement. (RE-LIVING STEVE’S ENTRA.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    WANDA: Sally! Stop eating the bread like that! It’s frightening how you eat food. Like a dog over his bowl. Anyhow, so I’m in the bathroom and this older lady bumps into me. I say: “Excuse You” with a little attitude- she’s for-sure from New York because she didn’t even notice. So then I sit there, minding my own business, reading on the stall wall how if I want a good time I can ca.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: (Holding one shoe.) You know why I don’t believe you Alexander? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say you love me? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say I’m your angel? Because you never said any of those things to me before I.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    DARYL: Ah, my dearest Margaret… sweet, dearest, Margaret…When I was a child, my mother, who was a beautiful, wealthy, totally insane woman…She used to dress me up in a tiny little black suit, and take me to funerals. (Drinks.) She said I needed to learn about death while I was young. That way, it would hurt less when I got older. I soon came to realize that she wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For fuck’s sake, Carson, so sorry I’m late. So many Starbucks and Juan, my building super, was pissed because I threw my empty 2% milk carton in the trash. Apparently, empty 2% milk cartons are not trash; they are recyclables. Well, I say, “Good for Juan!” Thank you, Juan, for educating my dumb ass. (Checking her iPhone as she speaks) Why can’t I see this screen? (Takes off shades and speaks into iPhone) Siri, text Juan: “I’m sorry.” Siri? For fuck’s sake, Siri is almost dead. Wher.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    JANET: So, I decided to take up yoga. Yoga!!!! Yoga! Frank, are you deaf? Is yoga such a foreign word to you that your mind rejects it? That’s your problem Frank, you’re closed minded. This is what I’m learnin.......
    Price $3.99