• FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m going to kill him. I’m going to take my pillow and I’m literally going to smother his fucking face in the middle of the night while laughing as I down a bottle of French rose. (Beat) No, I’m not going to do that. I want to, but I’m not. Jason’s had the flu for about four days now and every moment that he breathes life’s air, I want to jump out a window. I never did understand the male brain and its connection to male hormones. I mean, we all know about the males’ brain and its relationship to the sex organs…non-existent…but what about those hormone mother fuckers? I’m sor.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    One last kiss and then that’s it. I can’t do this anymore, with you and the lips and the smoochie “Hello, my nether regions are saying hi,” thing. It’s toxic. YOU are toxic. I mean, sure, you’re a swell dancer and a well-read Yale graduate with the vocabulary of a Webster descendant, but so what?!!! I can’t be in this relationship with you anymore. I need more than sex and a healthy body of hair, God your hair feels good…NO!!! I mean: No, your hair is just hair and it doesn’t mean anything.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-13
    YEARS OLD
    Acting Dad? What more can I say. It’s a word that means a lot. Especially to me! When you’re acting, either on the stage a la a thrust, proscenium, in the round, or raked surface, or in front of that cool big shiny reflective recording device called the camera, preparation is mucho effective! See how I did that Dad? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I did it one time and now I’ll be labeled as “Germy Gemma” for the rest of my professional life. I mean, for God’s sake, I always wash my hands after I use a restroom, ALWAYS…but the other day I was just so crazed over what was happening with the Morton files that the common act of cleanliness got away from me. And if Boss Megan hadn’t been standing on that line and asking me how the case was going, I would have surely scrubbed and rubbed. That woman makes me nervous. Usually she just glances at me while she’s cleaning her glasses, which means she’s technically not able to actually see me all that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    This girl stalks my whole life. I’m not trying to quote Pauly D from The Jersey Shore when I say that, because literally, this psycho bitch stalks my entire freakin’ life! I need help. SHE needs help but until she’s in the care of the proper authorities, I’m just going to have to be the sane one here and find a way to get her out of my realm. I’m not being erratic here, I swear! I’m pretty sure she’s a cooked rabbit, a screwed boyfriend, one haircut and a few dead partridges in a pear tree away from pulling an Annie Wilkes on me and hobbling me in my own bed. This chick is scary. At first I just thought she was just a little overly-energetic. And that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    They took Snickers. Don’t you dare try to tell me they don’t have him, Rick! Cats like Snickers don’t just walk outside to pick up the newspaper, have a quick smoke and then BOOM-SHAK-A-LA-KA disappear! It’s that group I told you about, Rick…don’t laugh at me!!! When they first started moving into the neighborhood, we all thought they were just a little “different” with their gluten free diets, th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Ahhhh! Oh My God did you get it? Please tell me you got it…OH MY GOD…I think I’m having a heart attack. If you didn’t get it, tell me because I am not coming down from this chair until you tell me that that God forsaken creature of the unknown dark crevices of the earth has been squished, squatted, plummeted, or dismembered in some way for good!!!! (Beat) I’m sorry, that was really crazy of me, I just…I just really hate bugs. No, like I really hate them. When I was a little girl, I saw a guy get his leg eaten off by a herd of fire ants. It was my uncle, actually and I suppose it was his own fault for stomping over it with his motorcycle and then proceeding to stick his foot down there as he shouted, “I AM JEFF, KING O.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Sounds like something a clichéd comic might say? Well baby, clichés are for people who aren’t visionaries. I love him like a fat kid loves cake and I freaking love cake like I love my boyfriend. I don’t know what it is, but food and passion just can’t seem to separate from each other. Whenever I see onion rings, grease dripping onto the plate and all, I just think two things: A) When is he going to put one on my actual finger and B) Can we get seconds delivered to our table because I am HUNGRY!! Or how about melting chocolate? OH MY GOOOOODDDDD!!!! Can we talk about this for a secon.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    So you want to know what happened? Ok, I’ll tell you. Tonight was the homecoming dance. I went, I danced. Happy? (Beat) Oh you want to know about the murder? Ok fine. I came home to find out my boyfriend was brutally murdered. It’s a funny thing you know? Death. My boyfriend was a good guy. He was captain of the football team, straight A student, debate team. You name it, he did it. Maybe a little too much. You’re not really buying this are you? All right then, tonight I came back from the dance to find my boyfriend with three drunken cheerleaders, one who might have possibly been a bleacher bound stoner succubus, and Let’s just say I wasn’t happ.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My name is Abby and I’m a writer and I have a really big secret and an even BIGGER problem. You see whenever I write something, it always seems to come to life. I can’t control it no matter what I do. My stories seem to jump from the pages and become reality. For example, last month I wrote a story about cheerleaders who become monkeys and sure enough it came true. Even though I admit it was pretty funny at the time since I don.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    Dear, Mr. President. This year for my birthday, all I want is for Mom and Dad to have a happy and healthy baby. I know you have more important things on your list of…well, things…but Mom’s been so unhappy lately. Dad told me it’s because she feels like a float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade…But, if that were true, then wouldn’t she know how to fly and have strings coming out of her a--, sorry, I’m not allowed to use bad language. She eats A LOT! Yesterday she made an entire box of pancakes, gave my Dad and me, seve.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi Sheila! Good morning. Fun holiday party Saturday night, huh? (Beat) OK, let’s get this over with. I was very drunk and some things were said that I can’t quite take back. Jesus, where do I start? OK, well first off, I do not think you got a botched boob job. They are very tight and completely symmetrical to one another…a very well done breast job, actually. Um, oh the thing about you and Bill in accounting. Shit, well that part was kind of true, but my telling everyone about the stained check incident, well, that was just vicious and.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    He lives in a mansion, has thirteen dogs, and his butler’s name is Franz. He’s my soul mate. Just because I met him on Facebook doesn’t mean it devalues our relationship. Facebook is the new blind dating! In fact, it’s better than that! Jack and I have a connection thanks to the connection of our WiFi signals sent out through the universe and back down deep within our hearts! The other day, when he picked me up, he brought me a cronut because he said it reminded him of me. He said, because it’s not quite a croissant and not totally a donut, and like me, it’s a cro.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Look I like you, ok I really like you. It’s not you, it’s actually me, well actually it’s my family. Look meeting the family is a big step and clearly I don’t want to put you through that kind of torture, especially not this early in the relationship. (Beat) They’re not that bad. OK they’re pretty bad, but I’m just looking out for you. (Beat) You really want to know? Ok where to start? All right, there’s my grandma the boozer, she gets drunk the second the clock strikes 8…in the morning. She always says “It’s happy hour somewhere in the world” Not to mention the fact th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COM./DRA.
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So, I’m plus size. More to love, right? Why is it that too little of something is seen as glamorous, just enough is a step below adequate, but too much is considered monstrous? Fat. F A T. I hate that word. If you put a PH in front of it, people think you’re hip. I just think you sound like you got hooked on phonics but refused the rehab. I won’t lie to you and say that I haven’t dreamed of what it would be like to live a day in the life of a “skinny girl”.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    I burnt the lasagna. Is that even possible? I put it in the oven the time that it said on the box and then poof-magoof!! The alarm thing-a-ma-bob on the wall starts beeping and all this smoke starts shooting out of the oven. Why me, huh? Why do I get the highly flammable pasta sheets? All I wanted to do was make a nice meal for Dad when he came home for the weekend from training. He likes Italian food...so I thought oooo lasagna…that’ll show some skills right there. If I can make a wicked awesome cheese on sauce on carb-sheets of yum ménage-trois then I’m definitely the favorite child. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s his hands. There’s just something about his hands that make it difficult to forget about him. I mean they’re not that big, but they’re not like Gary Coleman sized either. I’m crazy. That’s it; I’m just out of my mind. I mean what was I thinking going to see Sean in the first place huh? I mean I’m engaged to Carl! And I love Carl and his normal, un-extraordinarily sized hands. It’s just Sean and I have such a sordid history. You don’t have such a whirl-wind relationship with someone for six years and suddenl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t breathe. But it’s not the physical breath I can’t seem to inhale, it’s everything else. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just want to be normal. A normal person wouldn’t cry if they eat ten more calories than they originally planned to eat the day before. A normal person wouldn’t have to exercise three and a half hours a day at full intensity because anything less equals loss of self-control. (beat) Aunt Lana, I need to know how you got through. Mom told me when you were my age that for an entire year you ate.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.45min
    9-16
    YEARS OLD
    You see, Mrs. Smith, I can’t do laps today because my doctor forbids it. (Beat) No, I know what it says. See, dis-in-breath-opulus is a very serious condition that I currently have. It means that if I get out of breath that my entire system could shut down and I could faint…or die. Well, maybe not die, but there’s a good chance that if I fainted and was standing near something dangerous, say, near one of these very old, wooden, and.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    All right, all I have to do is tell Grandma that I’m asking Jody to marry me and I’m home free, right? Awe, fish sticks with soy sauce. WHY IS THIS SO EFFIN’ COMPLICATED?!?! The woman is eighty-seven years old - I mean, yeah, she’s in the hospital but it’s for a yeast infection for Christ sakes!!!!! Is telling her that her grandson is getting married really going to change what’s going on “down there”? I think not. Look, Mom, I know she wants to believe in a world where.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-25
    YEARS OLD
    Hi! Well my name is Katie, uh Katie Johnson and I’m here because I know that I would make the perfect secretary for your company. (Beat) What experience do I have? Well I can type about 100 words per minute, which I know sounds really crazy, but I can. And I also answer the phones at a really fast pace, which is good, especially when things get busy, (she stops for a moment as she looks like she’s getting sick) I’m fine, I’ve.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    You know what, Jody? Just go. It’s what you’ve always been good at…walking away. Best friends for life? You are such a selfish miserable human being and I am so sick of being your target. I’m done. You wanted to get over Barry so you thought you’d find a new guy to make him jealous…okay...decent plan. But did you have to pick Dave? You knew how I felt about him. You were there when he broke my heart. How could you have even thought twice about bringing him into this? No!!! Don’t you dare even try to say a word, I’m not finis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-27
    YEARS OLD
    Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, can you please find out where the damn doctor is??!! (Beat) Hey, what happened to you? That thing on your hand, that doesn’t look too good…you should go to the hospital about that…oh right! This thing down here…well, it’s agony. See my big brother Jason over there, well tonight, that asshole convinced me to hang with his friends and play a drinking game. Did you ever hear about the one called “Splatter-Splash?” No? Well in short, it involves shots of Tequila mixed with Tabasco sauce and pickled peppers. Oh yeah, and the throwing of little knives across the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    WHY WHY WHY!!!!! Why do I get stuck with a little brother? None of my friends have little brothers. Well, Danielle Martino does but her brother is so sweet and polite. Unlike my demon of a little brother Michael. Sure he was so adorable when he was an itty whittle baby but he’s ten now and he’s always getting me into trouble. Like yesterday, He was playing baseball in the yard and he hit the bal.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    My parents really cursed me. In fact they fucking ruined me. Jeffrey is a piece of shit scumbag and I wish my parents would’ve left him in that mental facility and threw away the key. He’s not right. All my life I wished for a big brother I could look up to, a guy who would show me the way. Instead I got a drug addicted, mentally ill fucking liar whose been nothing but grief to me and my sister Candace. We’ve spent the better half of our early adult lives having to keep aft.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    No sex. That’s a big one. To me, sex is just so annoying to go through all that emotional hubbub and then get what…three, maybe four if your partner is that good, seconds of happiness? And then you have to shower and it’s just too much effort. So if the apocalypse were coming next week, “hypothetically,” the first thing I would do is give up sex. And like, all sex, because even oral is just too much freakin’ work. And knowing of the impending doom, the guy’ll probably want to stick ar.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    All they do is talk to each other. I don’t understand. We aren’t in this business to “talk” to one another. We’re in it to win. I mean isn’t that what being an actor is all about? Winning and shining and showing the world how much more unbelievably incredible you are than all the “normies” out there. Well, I’ve had it with these New York actors marching into our L.A studio with their theatre laced resumes and their artistically different headshots! (Starting to open up a few of her shirt buttons to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My sister is gay. I can’t believe it. (Beat) She did it again. Mother fucker upstaged me at our family reunion again! I’m the gay one, not her. What the fuck? I’m the one who spent my teen years wearing flannel and secretly masturbating to Heather Locklear while telling everyone I was more of a “Dylan” girl when, in fact, it was Donna Martin who set my fire ablaze on “Beverly Hills 90210.” Ahhhh she’s always doing this! Since we were kids any time I had big news or some sort of “revelation”, she always had something more important o.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    It’s over. I just have to accept it as a done deal. She’s over me. I thought our relationship was clear and loving and full of trust and understanding but I was misled. But I guess this was meant to happen eventually. (Beat) Reduced Sugar…reduced sugar…reduced…oh God I can’t even say it anymore…sugar (shudders). Yesterday my Mother bought me Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes. There’s no coming back from that man, it’s official: My Mom doesn’t love me anymore. I knew turning twenty-three was going to be challenging what with getting AARP notices in the mail already,.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-14
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you don’t understand! I can’t go back to school because the lunch lady hates me. Stop laughing, I’m serious! You know that mysterious “stomach flu” I had last month? Yeah, well Doctor Klein said it was probably due to nerves and Mr. Doctor guy was right, but what he didn’t know is that my nerves are also twisted with a side of rotten pudding! Yeah, that’s right, Mrs. Bootin, the lunch lady, served me expired pudding!!! I could tell because, not only was there a l.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    A touchdown in the third quarter, heading into the fifth inning now, he’s about to shoot the ball when the goalie swoops in and blocks the shot! The crowd goes wild and the cheerleaders…well…they cheer and all is well in the world with the LakerMetsRangers and cheeseheads alike fan themselves and reach for the dip. (Beat) At least that’s what my friends do. It’s not me. Is it so bad that instead of running track or doing layups across the gym floor, I’m actually under the bleachers listening to track number 3, .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    (She falls) Owwwww. Oh God I did it again didn’t I? Aw man I’m always falling and this time I think I see birds, no no wait those aren’t birds, they’re stars! Yeah there’s Shirley Temple and over there is Britney Spears, god is she ugly in person. Oh my God it’s The Beatles. (putting on a British accent) Hi guys it’s certainly been a hard day’s night for me ..as you can see I’ve take another tumble. Ok well, bye bye then. Oh how cool! There’s J-Lo!! Eeesh! What is.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Ok, I’m not gonna lie. I think I may be drunk. But the thing is, I’m not really sure what that means. You see tonight I got together with the girls at Bunny’s cousins house and they were drinking these drinks out of these teeny tiny little cups and I was just thinking…”How cute” it’s like cups for Mickey mouse!!! I couldn’t resist so I asked Bunny if she could get me one. She kind of looked at me like “ya sure?” and I was like “ya’huh” and then she was all “you know it’s jibbijabboowaheew.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-23
    YEARS OLD
    Beauty is more than skin deep. I mean, it’s great that people want a person’s heart to count for more than what is on the outside…I get that. I do…but what about the people who have nothing else? I know you think my dropping out of law school to study cosmetology seems crazy to you guys, but Mom, Dad…it’s what makes me happy. Makeup makes me happy. Applying makeup to people makes me happy. We live in a society where human beings judge their fellow inhabitants first and foremost on what they look like; you know, what color their eyes are, does their hair color match their skin tone, is the color nail polish they’re wearing an in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My doctor said that the treatment will only suck if I don’t spiritually cleanse. He started talking about my aura, religion, and some stuff about sticking a tube down my pants to suck out the neuro-something. But what he didn’t mention was anything about my hair. What’s the saying? Here one day, gone tomorrow….or in my case, hair one day, effing chemically melted by next Tuesday? It’s like they prepare you for all of the psychological and physical things for the chemo they think you need. Like for chicks, the hair thing is major…they’re all in the know about that stuff...but what about me? I don’t think my head is made to feel like a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    8-16
    YEARS OLD
    I have fifteen dollars and twenty-seven cents in my piggy bank at home, Celia. You can have it all right now if it’ll help. I like the apartment. It’s a little dusty, but it’s really not that bad. I’ve lived in worse places before I got placed with Mr. and Mrs. Welles. They’re super nice to me, not the way the Tiernos were last year. It’s like we’re becoming a real family, like the way you, me, and Mom were before she died. You know, I still have the mark on my arm from the oven incident. You know that time Mr. Tie.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    You don’t understand, it was the single most traumatic experience of my life. WORST WOMEN’S RESTROOM EVER! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use a public bathroom ever again. First of all the smell was unlike anything I’ve ever let clog my nostrils. It wasn’t quite urine in itself but like a mix of molded rye bread and kitty litter. Then of course I approached the stall and began to see red. And I’ll spare you further details on that one, but I think you get the point. I’m a bit disgusted with my own kind…women. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh come on! You’re kidding me right? Look, dude, I’ve had a really shitty night and I don’t have anything you’d possibly want to rob, so why don’t you just put that toy you call an automatic away and go back to daycare, I’m tired. (beat) Look, seriously, I have nothing for you. Oh what this? This little tiny piece of shit that I got from Target? You think there’s something worthwhile in here? Look at it!! It’s so small I don’t even think my dental dam would fit in here! I’ve just come from one of the worst nights of my life: my boyfriend decided he.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Hello there. My name is Bethany, Bethany McGregor, and I’m here to audition (beat). Ok thank you. Well, I’m a performer, no actually I’m a star. Yep that’s right I’m a star. You know when I was in high school I got voted most likely to succeed. Yes…I mean it was just last week, of course I plan to graduate early because…that’s just what I do! Funny how as a joke I was also voted most likely to become an ax murderer. But enough about how great I am, lets talk about how I got so great. Well when I was a little girl I always believed that I was a butterfly.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him, Mom, but I don’t think I can marry him tomorrow. I ordered these shoes from Paris two months ago and I was not only promised they would fit, but that they would make me feel like a princess at her coronation. Well, they don’t fit and I feel more like a witch at the stake, flaming feet first! (Weepy) It’s not fair. Don’t I get a chance to feel pretty? The shoes are everything Mom. I can’t wobble down the aisle. Not to mention, look at these blisters? These are.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    16-20
    YEARS OLD
    She’s repulsive. She smokes like twelve cigarettes every forty minutes. I know, because I counted…I couldn’t help it, it was fascinating. And she does this thing with her nose when she clearly thinks you’re saying something that she’s too good for. I mean I get that she’s got a really good job and an expensive gynecologist but come on!! Two y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    Dude, I’m dead. My Mom’s going to come into my room tonight after she finds out and she’s going to kill me. And if that doesn’t stick, she’s going to put me on a plane and send me off to live with my Uncle Morris who smokes thirty cigars a day and showers once a month. I’m going to be his smelly little cigar boy. (Beat) Awwwe man, what the hell am I gonna do? This guitar cost her four thousand bucks! She only gave it to me two months before my birthday because she thinks I aced that calculus exam, but I really just turned.......
    Price $3.99