Monologues » WRITERS

WRITERS

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  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Don’t assume I’m angry just because I’m a black woman. We’re not that angry. We’re just misunderstood. We do have our reasons to be angry. Hello, have you seen this hair? Like, God, what is this punishment? Was slavery not enough? Do you know how much money a black woman spends on a weave? Honey a lot! White women get to (swings hair) all day long (Beat) for free and they think we don’t know they’re doing it out of spite, Oh, we know. It’s okay because everyone knows once you go black you don’t go b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been…a while. By the way, love this, “Possible Sins Committed,” pamphlet. I do have questions. It says, “Abused Drugs.” Does that include Advil, Midol, Tylenol? Period cramps are a bitch! 2 pills are never enough. I usually have to pop at least 4 from my secret stash in my locker. Wait, you’re not going to alert the administration? This is confidential. You’d be going against God by ratting me out. Okay, moving on. “Made bad decisions with boys.” Is that just sex and handsy stuff or could it be,.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, Dr. Listenberg. Okay, so when I wake up, I realize that my "super" pad isn't really in a superlative mood because I've bled through my sheets. Good morning! Oh come on, we're in the ER. There's worse things than this. Like that guy! He definitely needs immediate attention because that shouldn't be hanging from there. Right?! Are you gonna go look at him? You can come back to me after. I don't think I'm doing as ba.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I swear it's not you...It's me. I really didn't mind all of your weird little quirks...It was cute, almost. So really, it's not you, it's me. I am completely the reason why I am packing my bags. (Beat) It has nothing to do with your toenail clippings! I would never be that shallow, David. Come on. Break up over toenails? There were so many other things that were way more disgusting and worth breaking up over. Like your weird appeti.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Rob, how’s it goin’, buddy? Listen, sorry to drop by this late and all. I just have something I need to say. I have really been enjoying our time together lately. I mean, for years now I’ve been going at this whole “crime fighting” thing by myself and it’s just been so taxing and lonely. Up until now it’s just been me and Alfred. But now there’s you! And you’re young and fun and colorful. I mean, look at you. With your green speedo, red tights and yellow cape. It’s awesome! Me, I’m always so dark all.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Liquoring me up isn’t going to numb the pain of your rejection! I can’t believe I come here and pour my heart and soul out to you. And what do I get? “Let’s Be Friends.” Friends? FRIENDS!! What is this really about? Is it because I share the same name as your mother…Because she is known as the Virgin Mary and I’m just Mary Magdalene? And you don’t think I know people talk? I hear the whispers. They call me a whore. The other week they threatened to st.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh wow, Brianna is absolutely, totally, the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, I love everything about her. And, here’s where it gets really nuts. She loves everything about me. I know, crazy, right? We tell each other every day that we are so lucky to have found each other, and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. Oh man, that is so fucked up! What am I going to do? You know that anything too good to be true.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    Let me stop you here for a second. I want to, uh...make something clear. I don’t think you realize how difficult it is to be me...the devil. You see, I have to lie. I can’t tell the truth. I’m the devil. It comes with the territory. If you were to ask me what color the sun is, I’d have to say something ridiculous, like purple or turquoise. Yes, that’s right; here on planet earth we have a turquoise sun. Did you s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Terrorist: A person who terrorizes or frightens others. Let me be the first to admit: Children are terrorists. The sky is blue, our bodies need water, and children are masters of terrorism. I understand children are overwhelmingly adorable. They say cute things in cute voices while wearing cute outfits, but looks can be deceiving! Their primary objective is to break you down to the point of slight insanity. First of all, labor in itself is exactly like the battle between Bane and Batman in The Dark Knig.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    OMG BABE!! I had the craziest conversation with my mother the other day. I was telling her that we were thinking about visiting them this weekend and she was like, “Oh no, you can’t. We’re not gonna be around.” And I’m all, “What do you mean you’re not gonna be around? What could be more important than seeing your favorite child?” And before she could respond I was like, “Wait a minute; time out! Are you going to Atlantic City again?” Yeah, that’s right. Those two crazy kids are going up to the casino for.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Mary, I like you. You’re a wonderful person. I just don’t see you in that way. I mean...I’m Jesus. The son of God. Who is the creator of all. The creator of you, Mary Magdalene. So, that kinda makes us like family. And okay, let’s say I could even get over that. I just...I have these powers. These powers that I’m just now learning how to control. I mean, what happens if we are fooling around one night, and you get me a little too excited, and then poof...you’re a fish.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Mother, trying on your wedding dress isn’t fun. I look ridiculous. I get it. I totally get it. You think that I should be getting married by now. Well, that’s a lot of pressure!!! Being in your mid-twenties is pressure enough. But now this? Finding a soul mate, the one, my lobster? I mean, I can’t go on Facebook these days without it popping up into my newsfeed that someone is engaged, or they’re married or they’re pregnant or they’ve popped out another kid. Facebook is just a constant reminder that I am an unmarried spinster. And okay, I’m not helping the situation. I do tend to date the .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m gonna try being a lesbian for a while. Of course I can try! Samantha from “Sex and the City” did. I’ve done some reflecting lately. And it was while I was indulging in a bowl of fresh guacamole that I had this epiphany. I remembered what you always say…“How do I know I don’t like something unless I try it?” Once upon a time I hated guacamole until I tried it. So how do I know I don’t like girls unless I try dating them? Recently all the men I meet are the same with their commit.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    James, what the hell are you thinking? You’re gonna go out there by yourself against seven guys? How many bullets are in your gun? Six, right? Six bullets, seven guys. What are you gonna d.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-70
    YEARS OLD
    As if this day couldn’t get any worse. Flight delays in Chicago, lost luggage – and then I come home to this. (holds up paper, reads) “Hi Honey, I guess you’re home now, and you seen – (wincing) and you seen that I’m not here. I’m sorry Baby, but I had to go, and I can’t come back. We had some good times, but there - t-h-e-r-e - there over. Roger and I have fallen in love, and I just can’t help myself. Good-bye. Love, Meagan. … “The last four years of my life, g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    A stripper kicked me in the eye! VEGAS! Look, I was minding my own business when I noticed that the guy in the booth next to us had two strippers dancing on him. That’s just greedy, you know? What about all the other sad, lonely men? One of the strippers was impressive. She had her leg up on the divider like this. (mimics stripper by holding leg up and attempts dancing with her leg raised, but badly) I used to be a dancer. I didn’t think anything of it, laughed a little and went back to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Just a minute, young man, come over here. Do you know what I found in the back seat of my car? Hmm? (holds up a tiny piece of something)…I know it’s a piece of foil wrapping. Don’t be a smart ass…It wasn’t too small for me to figure it out, and I know that you’ve seen it before…That’s right, it’s a piece of a condom wrapper. I thought I’d clean up my car today…Don’t interrupt. If you HAD cleaned it well, I wouldn’t have found this, would I? Now, I’m actuall.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Stop screaming! My head is killing me. Sorry guys, had way too much last night. I'm not sure if you guys drink or not but when you do go to Jimmy’s for the two for one shot special, tell them Liza sent you. We had quite a celebration last night. My cousin, Marie finally divorced her scum bag husband, Mike. I told her to drop him the second he star.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh please, who does he think he’s fooling? She’s been in there for, like, an hour, almost. That is how long it takes to deliver a package? (towards closed door) We all know what kind of package you’re delivering. What kind of work environment is created when you know your boss is, like, doing the delivery girl? He thinks that because he gave me a raise and my own little office, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Yeah, whatever! I am so tempted to like, just call his new wife, Tiffany and spill the beans! She thinks t.......
    Price $3.99