Monologues » Male Monologues

Male Monologues

Monologues for men are abundant and varied. Male monologues have been written for almost every subject imaginable. So, how do you sift through the reams of material and find the ones that are right for you? Look for pieces that are well written and engaging with a strong sense of character. How does he grow or change through the process of the monologue? What does he discover about himself or someone else? You will perform your male monologue many times, so savor the moment. Tap into your creativity and bring your piece to life!


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    We had just won the state championships and we all went to Bill’s apartment to celebrate. I was with Lucy, my girlfriend. One minute she’s there and the next minute she’s gone. It’s a crazy party with too much booze and then I remember that I left my jacket at the gym. On the bleachers. Now, school’s only two blocks away from Bill’s but I’m tired. Really tired. I just played my heart out in this game and I want to go to sleep. But you see, there’s something really special in my jacket. A ring for Lucy. It’.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    You think I dreamed of being a flat-footed stiff whose most exciting moment in life is the day I got a new calculator? Well, I must admit that did kinda give me a chill. It’s sexy like a Steinway with its punchy click click click. The faster the better. I'm a speed demon! I'm a super hero! I have a cape but I never wear it in public. Clark Kent would never tip his hand like that. He'd hide in a phone booth but these days they’re hard to find. You can't hide behind a cell phone, so I'll have to perfect my superhero routine. I'll leap tall buildings in a single bound! Well, .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-50
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. She was glorious: Milky white skin, French manicure, long luxurious fingers. I usually hate smokers, but I would never have known her otherwise. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils, like me. She arrives to the office early everyday and carefully drapes her sweater over her chair. It will stay pressed, but conveniently close incase the office gets too cool, but it never does. She goes to g.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    ALEXANDER: You are an wicked woman, Wilma. I see it in your eyes. You try to cover the evil with that blue stuff and those erotic long eyelashes, but I know the truth. I see the truth in you. I’m a living polygraph! You hear that Wilma? A poloygraph! A truth finder. So you go ahead. Take that gun and kill me and put me out of my misery. I’d rather be dead than have to listen to you act so innocent while you bitch about my socks on the floor, my dirty dishes in the sink, my snoring, my teeth grinding, my forgetfulness, my remote control issues, my inability to close a fucking cabinet door, my--(Realizing. Drops to f.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Smack is slouched in a chair, dead. Pause. Smack opens his eyes and looks out front.) Anyone got a smoke? I'm dying for a...How come, tell me this, how come I still crave for a smoke when I'm dead? (Pause) Oh, by the way, my name’s Smack. Not my real name, and nothing to do with drugs, OK? (Pause) I can't move my body. Can hardly move my eyes. It's a funny old thing life. One minute you're here laughing and crying and having a breathing old time and the next, Smack! Lights out. (Pause) God, I need a smoke! Is this it then? Sitting here forever without being able to move and still craving a smoke or a...God forbid...a quick leg over. Have I got a stiffy? Can't feel it. Then again I couldn't, could I? (Pause).......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    In a roundabout way Mrs. Warren, my high school teacher, helped me discover my passion for anatomy. Well, her and a lot of bad luck. Yeah, I was “that” kid. Since I was a toddler I’ve been breaking bones from sports, goofing around, not paying attention, you name it. I’ve broken, torn and pulled more bones and ligaments than I knew I had! Every time I’d get a new injury I’d Google it to see where it was located and what it was attached to. I’d strain to see the X-Rays my doctor was examining and attempt to interpret them myself. I broke my collarbone playing hockey – it was worth it, by the way, I scored big ti.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I went over the hill once. A.W.O.L. for a week. The Shore Patrol found me sprawled out in a Topless Bar downtown. I was blind on gin and attacked one of the dancers. Some S.O.B., if I ever catch him I’ll kill him, sneaked up behind me and cracked a beer bottle over my head. It took thirty-three stitches to close up my scalp. I got thirty days in the Brig, which counts as bad time against me, added to my hitch. I gotta get out of here. At least if I had a decent job. This is sissy’s work I’m doing. I’m like some damn maid. If I was working up front in the E.R., .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Dad? Can I have a grenade for my birthday? …Why not? …"Because I said so," is not a real answer. I think it's a parent copout. It's like you say that when you don't know what to say or something. So how about it? You can blow up a lot of stuff with one grenade. It's not like I'm being greedy and asking for a six-pack or anything. Just one'll be fine… No? Then what.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    Woah! That was the coolest thing ever! When you get two of those chocolate covered ones with sprinkles, it clears everything!! Wow! That was so awesome. I beat the level and everything. Mom, you just don't understand. I've been working on this level for weeks. I'm so sick of clearing the jelly and now I finally did it! Now I know why they call it “Candy Crush.” A absolutely crushed it! What a rush! No, I am not obsessed with sugar. I do not nee.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Desperate, pathetic) OH, COME on Gary, one more dive bar. Wasn’t this the point? You’re my go-to, my person, my platonic husband, for Pete’s sake. You don’t know…Well, you DO, since Tatiana dumped you, too, but at least that was for a lipstick lesbian. I’ll officially be single once we go before the judge at 8:30 am. It’s only 11. Don’t wimp out on me now, you pansy lightweight. Come ON! I’m not used to the new apartment yet or the cat. I can’t go home and face .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    You, sir, are a coward. A full fledged 100% certifiable, undeniable coward. You are a coward and a cad and I will not bestow upon you the satisfaction of rebuking your absurd accusations, nor stoop to the level of a lowly commoner such as yourself. You haven’t even the strength of character to declare your indictments to my face. You slink around in dark corners insulting my honor and integrity, as.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    She calls to me. I ignore her. She persists. I refuse. She stubbornly invades my thoughts without permission. Again I block her. Like a lioness looking for a mate, she purrs at the challenge, stalking her prey. She seeps her way into my consciousness in a wispy feathery dream. She sprinkles soft kisses on my pillow and blows a gentle breeze in my hair. She knows it’s a matter of time. Strengthening my resolve, I push her out. She’s restless. I sense her. She wants to play. I want to take her right there, show her whose boss, but I resist. I always resist. In her sprite-like way she tickles my lips sending ripples of pleasure through my body. She taunts me again, whispering sweet unmentionables in my ear. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    PAUL: She said I was a flake. I asked: “What does that mean?” She said it meant that I cancelled our date three times. I said: “But, I’m here now.” That’s when she punched me in the nose. Then she said: “I’m sorry.” I said: “Apology not accepted.” Then she informed me that, her punching me in the nose, was the same as me punching her emotionally, by canceling our date three times. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    GROPE JACKSON: Folks, I’m selling out cheap! All my T-shirts are one dollar! Socks, three pair for a dollar! (beat) Folks, I gotta get rid of this crap stuff. Champion T’s a dollar! Nike T’s a dollar! Champion zipper hoodies a dollar! (beat) Folks, it’s a liquidation! The government caught me. In New York City I was caught. By Donald Trump and his henchmen. They brought me in a van to New Jersey. They dumped me in New Jersey. They said they’re building a wall around New Jersey. But they’re gonn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Rob, how’s it goin’, buddy? Listen, sorry to drop by this late and all. I just have something I need to say. I have really been enjoying our time together lately. I mean, for years now I’ve been going at this whole “crime fighting” thing by myself and it’s just been so taxing and lonely. Up until now it’s just been me and Alfred. But now there’s you! And you’re young and fun and colorful. I mean, look at you. With your green speedo, red tights and yellow cape. It’s awesome! Me, I’m always so dark all.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Another day on the job full of stress and I come home to this: “Roberto, clean the gutters! Roberto, fix the lamp. Roberto, let’s make love.” Dammit, woman! I've already had a long day. So, she says, “Roberto, long day, huh? And what exactly do you do all day?” No appreciation; no gratitude. What do I do all day, woman? What do y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Grimble sits staring at a shirt, jacket, tie and trousers on a chair. Under the chair are two shoes with a sock in each shoe. He is wearing a T-shirt and underpants. Lorraine. How you drain, Lorraine. (Pause) Shirt. (Stands, goes to chair, and picks up the shirt. He returns to his previous place. Putting shirt on) One arm through here. The other through here. So far so good. (Pause) Buttons. Top button. (Does up top button) Second button. (Does up second button) Third. (Does up third button) Fourth. (Does up fourth button) Okay. Good. (Stares at trousers) Trousers. (Goes to chair and picks up the trousers. He returns to his previous place) One leg through here. (Puts leg into trousers) One in here. (Puts other leg into trousers and almo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Greetings neighbor! That's a very nice fence you've erected between our properties. You certainly didn’t skimp on the materials. Only the finest of everything. That fence was built to last. Yes, it will keep our livestock separated very nicely, indeed. And you erected it so quickly - all in the short time my wife and I were up country visiting her dear, sick sister. Normally, we wouldn't be away a whole week but family comes first. I'm sure you know about that. You've spent your whole life toiling in the fields, as have I. All to make a better li.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    50-70
    YEARS OLD
    (moving a chair) Jesus, the last damn thing I want said about me is, “They got to the Col,” or, “He chickened out. Broke down and talked.” Some private or corporal hear that and say, “If he can’t take it, how the hell am I supposed to?” I won’t talk. (pause) There’s enough broken glass in this cell to slash my wrists. There’s been enough shit littering my days and nights in Iran to tempt Jesus. (standing on the chair) Hey Buddy, you knew you were gonna walk up that Mount, gonna have a few nails pounded into ya. That’s same as takin’ your own life. You made a choice. I seem to have a few options here. Slit my wrists, swallow some glass, bash my brains out on the wall. I think I prefer the old Spani.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    (Lights on a man. He wears a baseball cap. He takes off his baseball cap and holds it out to the audience.) This is what it’s come to…underground…hat in hand…Saturday afternoons crowd rushing up and down…to catch the “A”…to catch the “E”…the “C” or “L”…on their way to some God awful Hell…banish the thought…I wish no one ill will…standing still….at the top of the stairs…hat in hand…hat always in hand… …bent slightly…ever so…a twinkle in my eye…trace of a smile…the sound of coins land in my hat…there is hope… accumula.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Jess texted me last week that she feels very "devalued" by me and I treat her like a whore or some shit. Just out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, Dude! And here I thought we had a great time last time I saw her! And I like her! I mean, I really like this girl! So I had to talk to her about it. I mean, I know that dick, Steve, is after her and there is no way I'm letting that happen. So, I called her over. And she tells me that I don't remember what she says. That's it! So I said, "That's it?!" WRONG question, Dude! I mean, wrong. She went on and on about how.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    Have I tried? Have I tried? I’m on an express train to nowhere and I’ve missed my connection. I’m not sure how it even happened. Twenty years ago I was the up-and -coming star. Youngest bank manager in the country. Wow! Was I hot stuff! Invincible. I was on the fast track, with nowhere to go but up…or maybe just nowhere to go. Hitting the glass ceiling before you’re thirty gives you a headache like you can’t believe. So I said screw it. Who needs security? There’s a raging artist inside me just waiting to come out… Yeah, right. Twenty years later, all that’s left is the rage. I was cocky. I’d made it in the business world in less than a decade. How har.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-18
    YEARS OLD
    I've done something. I need help. I've really, really done something. I...hit Kaitlin. I hit her pretty hard, I think. I hit her three times in the face, I think, as hard as I could. She fell down. She was crying, and I just stood there and watched her cry and I felt like...nothing. Like a sense of peace or something. She was just crying on the floor in my living room and I just stood there and felt nothing, but it was good. And then she got up and left, and I took one of my Dad's beers and drank it and watched Game of Thrones. I drank .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I hate homework! I spend my whole day doing schoolwork. Why do I have to do more when I get home? I have stuff to do, ya know. I have to check my facebook and text my friends. And there’s basketball practice and hanging with my peeps. My buddy, Josh is havin’ a bunch of us over to play Wii. I’m defending my championship in both bowling and golf. What am I supposed to tell him, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So this girl, Kaylee, in my class is like the hottest girl in school. You should see her. She stops traffic walking down the hall! And I don’t know why, but she really likes me. Thinks I’m funny or something cuz I’m always cracking jokes in history class. She’s as smart as a whip, too. Always gets A’s on everything. Every guy’s been trying to go out with her and I finally saw my chance. I was complaining one day that I didn’t get what the teacher was saying and she actually volunteered to help me with my ho.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    ROSCO: Would you like some coffee with that chocolate cake, Bertha? I can order you coffee, if you’d like, Bertha. Okay. If you are sure… But, if you change your mind. Just let me know. Um, Bertha… There is something I would like to talk about. I’d like to talk about something you said earlier. No. Not the castrating thing. No. Not the death thing. Though those were very disturbing things to say to someone after only dating t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-19
    YEARS OLD
    LARKIN: So what? All of a sudden you’re too stupid to know how to be a friend? No, worse, you don’t know how to be the brother I never had. My Ma takes you in because I ask her, she feeds you, she lets Rosie stay, hell, she’ll probably raise your kid and you can’t help me look at my Dad? I wanted to be where my Dad was and I needed you to be there with me. (pause) White tiles and steel tables and basins, and scalpels, saws, hammers, picks, every kind of tool for prying a man open, and scales to weigh a brain or a kidney or a rock-hard liver. It’s unho.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    I'm not a penguin! You keep telling me to join the pack, Mr. Evans and hug you and the whole class and everyone, cuz that’s how penguins stay warm. And my toes are cold and my fingers are cold and my nose is runny and it’s freezing out here, but I’m not a penguin! I don’t have a white vest or flippers .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    CHRIS: Do you see him? The man standing right beside me. The one with the black, curly mustache.You don’t do you? Be honest, you don’t see him, do you? No one sees him but me. I think I might need some professional help. Some kind of medication. Because, I’m too old for an imaginary friend with a mustache. I wonder what the mustache symbolizes. (Turning to her right, to speak to the IMAGINARY MAN.) Can you please stop talking to me right now? I’m trying to talk to a real person. (Turning back to speak to the “REAL PERSON.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh wow, Brianna is absolutely, totally, the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, I love everything about her. And, here’s where it gets really nuts. She loves everything about me. I know, crazy, right? We tell each other every day that we are so lucky to have found each other, and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. Oh man, that is so fucked up! What am I going to do? You know that anything too good to be true.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    Let me stop you here for a second. I want to, uh...make something clear. I don’t think you realize how difficult it is to be me...the devil. You see, I have to lie. I can’t tell the truth. I’m the devil. It comes with the territory. If you were to ask me what color the sun is, I’d have to say something ridiculous, like purple or turquoise. Yes, that’s right; here on planet earth we have a turquoise sun. Did you s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-70
    YEARS OLD
    Did I ever tell you about Jeannie? We had a...I don’t know what...but we had it. She threatened to tell Dita. Every time the phone rang...every ring...the sound...Oh God...the sound cut through me like an unclean knife. What if it was Jeannie? What if it was her? And Dita answered the phone. What then? What would happen then? When their two voices met. (Mimics Dita’s Austrian accent) “Hello?” (Mimics Jeannie - nasal Jersey girl) “Is this Dita?” (Dita)
“Yes. To whom am I speaking?” (Jeannie) “Uh...is Ken around?” (Dita) “Who is this?” (Jeannie) “Jeannie.” (Dita) “And you want Ken?” (Jeannie) “I do.” (Dita) “My Ken?” (Jeannie - seductive) “I want him.” (Dita)
“Is t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    All right, all I have to do is tell Grandma that I’m asking Jody to marry me and I’m home free, right? Awe, fish sticks with soy sauce. WHY IS THIS SO EFFIN’ COMPLICATED?!?! The woman is eighty-seven years old - I mean, yeah, she’s in the hospital but it’s for a yeast infection for Christ sakes!!!!! Is telling her that her grandson is getting married really going to change what’s going on “down there”? I think not. Look, Mom, I know she wants to believe in a world where.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I was kinda messed up as a kid. Got into lots of trouble. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. I got in with this gang, called themselves UPC. Some moron named it after the universal price code cuz he worked in a grocery store, but I didn’t know that back then. Anyway, I thought it was cool to run with them. They had this great tag and we used to spray it everywhere – abandoned warehouses, corner delis, billboards. You should have seen me. Hangin’ upside down off a billboard over the freeway with a .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    NITZ: Yeah, I can see now. Awful small room to live in. Like bein’ in a coffin. I don’t ever want to be in a coffin. I’ll go nuts in one. How nuts is it that you gotta spend the rest of your life in a coffin after you die? Nobody knows what’s doin’ under the earth. Nobody. Did you know that your thoughts continue after you die? It’s true. I read it in a science journal. You die and your thoughts continue, just like your hair and nails grow, which if you think about it - .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    You never know. Maybe Rita will volunteer to do a little overtime with me. She practically got down on her hands and knees and begged me for it once. It’s the truth. This family of five got wiped out on the highway by a drunk driver. Their lodge was burying them the next day. Billy Smith and me pulled extra shifts. You were on vacation. Billy was working the crane. I was scooping dirt. It was hot like a bitch. We worked round the clock. After we were through, Billy took off to his girlfriend’s in Bayshore but I was .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    The instant I heard “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi it shook my soul. I had discovered rock ‘n roll and I knew I was in love. I guess that sounds cliché. Every guy with a guitar in his hands probably has the same feeling, but mine was real! Since I was young I’d been playing classical music on the piano. It taught me a lot but it just didn’t stir my passion. But with rock music I felt liberated! I had this new musical freedom that could take me wherever I dreamed of going. I traded in my piano for a beat up Stratocaster and practiced singing high notes in the shower.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-20
    YEARS OLD
    PETER: I remember Mom sitting alone in the dark. “Your Dad’s gone,“ she said. “He won’t be coming back.“ (Pause) Didn’t even say goodbye. (Pause) Then I stole some sweets from Walmart and a few other shops, smashed in a couple of windows. Mom couldn’t cope. She sent me to this… home. (Pause) And at Christmas I was given this little kitten. Sandy. Only I didn’t ask for a kitten. I didn’t want anything alive. Only it was OK after a bit. Sandy relied on me, you see. Needed me to play wit.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    My parents really cursed me. In fact they fucking ruined me. Jeffrey is a piece of shit scumbag and I wish my parents would’ve left him in that mental facility and threw away the key. He’s not right. All my life I wished for a big brother I could look up to, a guy who would show me the way. Instead I got a drug addicted, mentally ill fucking liar whose been nothing but grief to me and my sister Candace. We’ve spent the better half of our early adult lives having to keep aft.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    She walks like she has a fishing line connected to her shoulders, that’s connected to the sky, that’s connected to angels. The arch in her back is a Greek temple and it moves like the Pacific Ocean and I only sat behind her in one lecture but I knew I loved her. I mean, that’s what college is about, right? Mystery, and love, sex, and questions, and mystery love sex questions, or, something. It was a science class, probably something tedious and biology-based. She was science, too, made entirely of boxes of light and depleted by lif.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Listen you little punk, without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be a two bit hood hustling on the streets playing Three Card Monty. I cleaned you up and gave you a straight job when you needed me and I put you in a pinstriped suit and made you respectable. I got you off smack. That’s not easy. You think I just did it to be charitable? I invested in you. I coulda picked any other junky on the street, but I chose you. I saw your potential when nobody else gave a damn. I put you in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I would set an extra place at the table; two forks, because Percy hated getting pasta sauce on his vegetables, and no napkin, because Percy always wiped his dirty hands on his mustard yellow shirt. Percy loved music and dreaded rain and enjoyed microwaves and Percy didn’t die when my father died, so I kept setting the place for Percy, because nothing had changed. That’s not what they thought; not my mother, my sister, doctors, not anyone. They called it post-traumatic psychosis at one point, which, in retrospect, is fucking insane. I had an imaginary friend. I was strange. My dad died when I was in third grade. Novembe.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Homeless Man: You know, I am a man of words myself. Like to play around with them. See some music in my head and say some words. And it ain't no churnin' dreams school boy shit neither. But hey! You wrote that BS! If it came from your soul, then you have to own it! Ya dig? And if it ain't, well, you shouldn't let no low level bullshit come out your mouth when a man asks you for poetry. I wanna hear something deep. As for me - I jump into snake pits! Drink their blood. Eat that snake and s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Mary, I like you. You’re a wonderful person. I just don’t see you in that way. I mean...I’m Jesus. The son of God. Who is the creator of all. The creator of you, Mary Magdalene. So, that kinda makes us like family. And okay, let’s say I could even get over that. I just...I have these powers. These powers that I’m just now learning how to control. I mean, what happens if we are fooling around one night, and you get me a little too excited, and then poof...you’re a fish.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Last week, I went on a date. We went to the museum and we were at the butterfly exhibit, and there were caterpillars next to the butterflies and I go, "Why are these two things next to each other? They seem so unrelated." And the girl was like, "Caterpillars become butterflies." And I was like, "Right, yeah. I was just fucking with you." (Beat) But I wasn't fucking with her. (Beat) I’ve been spending a lot of time at my parents’ house. I'm gradually remembering how go.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I love being a mascot! I know it sounds weird but I really do! When I get out there on the football field and hear the roar of the crowd something just happens to me. I turn into this rock star! It is such a rush! I get the fans all revved up and they do the wave and cheer and clap and it’s euphoric! And then I do these cameo appearances at fundraisers and special events and everyone wants to get close to me and have their picture taken with me. An.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Airports piss me off! They’re full of miserable people trying to make other people miserable. Even if you start your day in a good mood, by the time you’ve spent an hour in the airport you’re done. The employees are miserable because they spend their entire day dealing with asshole travelers. And at the end of the day, the asshole is on some beach in Mozambique sipping a Mai-Tai, while the poor sucker ticketing agent just goes home to get ready for his next miserable day of existence. Not that I feel too sorry for him. He’s the son-of-a-bitch who makes a living out of making people miserable. Who wants to deal with these guys? You get up at 5:30 in the morning to catch your flight because the only one that wasn’t booked leaves at some ungodly hour of the morning. You get there and the place is a zoo. Did all these people really get their asses out of bed as early as you? Apparently so. So you check in by machine to ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    BRYAN: I have had it! I refuse to do this anymore. You think because I’m kind, and gentle, and polite, and all that stuff that I am- you think because of all that, that you can…Janet, don’t interrupt me. You know it’s hard for me to hold a sentence together. Especially when I’m trying to say something. I can’t do this anymore. I can.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I want that woman arrested! Listen, sir…Oh, okay, listen, Mr. Rico? I have never in all my life been shot on the job. I’ve dealt with everything: hurricane weather, aggressive canines, hell, even the occasional horny housewife’s attempts at seduction. But I never had to deal with such stupidity.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILLIAM: I want my life to be a movie, so I created my own sound track. (Deep voice.) This is my narrating voice over music, as I run in Central Park. (Running while creating inspirational noise that can be music.) I began my training at age three, running from my mother, when she wanted to wipe my runny nose. It was my dream to be in the New York Marathon someday, but the conflict was I didn’t live in New York, and I wasn’t old enough to drive to the metropolis of my dreams. (Singing ins.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    Vodka was my first science experiment. I was seven. Nine. I can’t remember. I was a kid. It was winter. My father and I were at the kitchen table and he handed me a bottle of Stoli. That’s what Russians do to stay warm, you know. Drink lots of vodka. We moved to Brooklyn when I was two but in some ways it’s like they never left. So, he hands me the bottle and says, “Max,” he says, “put it in the freezer. Wait two h.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    LARK: My name is Lark. My Mama named me that. I would have liked a normal name, like Brian or Ricky, but I ain’t that lucky. (Realizing and excited.) Lucky would be a better name too! I once saw a show with a character named Lucky. He had spiked hair and I liked it. My hair is.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I’m on the corner of ninth and fifth…twenty fifth avenue…in the Village…where I live with Donna…when I see Donna and this guy I don’t know or want to know, walking down the street…and there’s this vibe between them. You know…So they stop and Donna introduces me…I say hi…and then she goes on to say how she was sitting in Washington Square Park and so-and-so invited her to go sailing on his boat,.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m busting my chops trying to make a decent living for us. No matter what I do we never seem to get ahead. Something always manages to bring us down. And that’s what a child would do to us now. Put us in so much debt. Ever since you got this bug in your head about having a kid you’ve been jumping my bones the minute I walk through the door. And it’s driving me up the wall. I’m scared. The responsibility is terrifying. I get my hands on a little kid, there’s no telling what I may do. I’ve got my father’s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    Overtime shootout. It’s up to me to keep us in the game and the playoffs. Stick handling the puck toward the goalie, I pull a deke. Drop the shoulder…shoot…CLINK!!! Vulcanized rubber hits solid steel. I hit the post. The other team jumps off the bench, victorious, while I hang my head and slowly skate over to my team. I mumble a sad, “Sorry guys,” and look over at the college recruiters talking to some of the athletes on the other team. If only I’d shot half an inch to the left! Then maybe those scouts would be over here. I slink.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    TOMMY: I can explain why I’m in the bushes. I’m hiding from you. Wait- that didn’t’ come out right, officer. Let me try again. Miranda! Miranda, the girl who screamed “Peeping Tom!” and pointed to me and ran. Yeah, that’s the one. She told me to hide in the bushes. So you see, I can’t be a stalker if the person who accused me of stalking asked me to hide in the bushes. Oh, I can explain that .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    JOE: All right, you're on. If mine is better, you have to go out and get lemon meringue pies and cigarettes. Mom and Dad were having this dinner party and, Pitz, I'm so cold. …and I was sitting at the top of the stairs, you know looking through the railings and there in the hallway, this very elaborate table with desserts on it. There was this one dish that looked like white mounds that peaked into little beige points, like a pair of tits to me. Maybe that was the attraction. Anyway I knew I'd… don't cheat… I'd have to have whatever it was. So I waited until I could make my move. I hung onto the .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    (Looks into distance, gasps) Franklin. (Signals with hand) Get over here; get over here; come here right now! Franklin. What does Daddy say to do when he calls your name? Get your ass over here. Exactly. Now, I saw you hit that little girl with a stick. I SAW IT. And now I have her mother right here yelling in my face. Hold on, ma'am, I'm talking to my son - I'm ta.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Congregation, we are gathered here today to hear a word this morning. I just want to tell you there is a God somewhere. Before I bless this here congregation with a little (singing) Amazing Grace, (Beat) Sister Jenkins, I think it’s about that time. Time for my favorite part of the sermon: It’s collection time! Now congregation, the Lord knows when he’s being short changed, so don’t be throwing no change in my c.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I need fifty dollars for the restaurant for prom night. And fifty for my date. And the guy who is booking it is on the phone and I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just talk to him? Give him your credit card number or something? I know it makes me over on my allowance this week but this is prom! I don’t know if it was a big deal in your day, but let me tell you it’s a very big deal now. And Courtney is expecting a great night and so are .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    It’s over. I just have to accept it as a done deal. She’s over me. I thought our relationship was clear and loving and full of trust and understanding but I was misled. But I guess this was meant to happen eventually. (Beat) Reduced Sugar…reduced sugar…reduced…oh God I can’t even say it anymore…sugar (shudders). Yesterday my Mother bought me Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes. There’s no coming back from that man, it’s official: My Mom doesn’t love me anymore. I knew turning twenty-three was going to be challenging what with getting AARP notices in the mail already,.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Roger Rabbit. (beat) Just kidding. Roger Stein. Stein as in a stein of beer. (beat) Pre-K. Loved every second. Four and five is a great age to be. (beat) By the way, Mister Evans, I do a great impersonation of Barney. (beat) Thirteen year’s experience. That comes out to…what…four thousand seven hundred and forty five days. (beat) Oh, well, I’m an idiot savant like the brother in Rain Man. (beat) Rain Man. The movie with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. (beat) Duh! And what rural hick planet are you from? (beat) Tulsa, O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    A touchdown in the third quarter, heading into the fifth inning now, he’s about to shoot the ball when the goalie swoops in and blocks the shot! The crowd goes wild and the cheerleaders…well…they cheer and all is well in the world with the LakerMetsRangers and cheeseheads alike fan themselves and reach for the dip. (Beat) At least that’s what my friends do. It’s not me. Is it so bad that instead of running track or doing layups across the gym floor, I’m actually under the bleachers listening to track number 3, .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    I love baseball. I love everything about it. I think I know every stat on every player ever! I especially love going to the ballpark with my dad. We’ve been going to watch the Yankees since I can remember. We have our own jerseys and everything. Dad’s says Rodriguez on the back cuz he’s a big A-Rod fan and mine, of course, says Jeter. We wear our ball caps and I take my glove incase I catch a ball that flies into the stands. I came close once but I wasn’t tall enough and this big guy by my dad caught it. I love when we first walk inside Yankee Stadium with the smell of the hotdogs and popcor.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    James, what the hell are you thinking? You’re gonna go out there by yourself against seven guys? How many bullets are in your gun? Six, right? Six bullets, seven guys. What are you gonna d.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My doctor said that the treatment will only suck if I don’t spiritually cleanse. He started talking about my aura, religion, and some stuff about sticking a tube down my pants to suck out the neuro-something. But what he didn’t mention was anything about my hair. What’s the saying? Here one day, gone tomorrow….or in my case, hair one day, effing chemically melted by next Tuesday? It’s like they prepare you for all of the psychological and physical things for the chemo they think you need. Like for chicks, the hair thing is major…they’re all in the know about that stuff...but what about me? I don’t think my head is made to feel like a.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    ROGER: (Speaking loud, as if yelling over club music.) So, you’re into hair. Me too. Well not jars of hair. I’m into my own hair. I spend a lot of time on my hair. (Smiling, then realizing.) I’m not queer! (Confused) Is that the right word? “Queer?” Or is it, “heterosexually challenged”? Or, “vagina challenged”? (Noticing a guy across the bar) I bet that guy over there is “challenged”. Look at him dance. You go girl! (Trying to be politically correct.) I like the way he dances. I like .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    JOHNNY: Hi, my name is Johnny McKinney, and I would like to report my wife for spousal abuse. No, she didn’t physically hit me. However, emotionally, for three years now, emotionally and mentally, she has certainly beaten the hell out of me. “Put the toilet seat down, Johnny.” “Do you really need t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    KIRKLAND: Colleen needs to talk with you, Nora. If you stay we could go up to my house tomorrow. I want her to see how light and airy it is up on the hill. I’ve got to get her out of her father’s house. There’s nothing but bad dreams there and she keeps sleeping. If you stay the night... Look, (beat) tomorrow I’ll pack us a picnic lunch. Salmon and cucumber sandwiches, a bottle of Chablis, some hard-boiled eggs, we’ll roll them in salt, eat, walk the property, all 60 acres. It will do you.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    12-19
    YEARS OLD
    I dreamed I could fly and put my hands through walls. It felt so real to me. And it felt so good. Being special like that. I thought how popular I would be. I’d be like a star. And girls would follow me around. Perhaps. Perhaps my life will change for the better. I would like that. I would like to have a good life. I haven’t totally given up on the idea. No. The idea of living a long life appeals to me more and more. I’m taking better care of myself, too. I am. I’m .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Fly, precious songbird. Fly like the wind and fetch my father before it is too late! Don’t tell him what I’ve done. He’ll find out soon enough. He’ll be so angry when he sees the mess I’ve created. I’ve broken the code. I’ll be taken off of mortal duty for eternity. But who could resist such perfection? She’s certainly worth the affections of royal stock, is she not? Her creamy white skin, as velvety and luxurious as the finest rose; those eyes of cut glass blue; they’re intoxicating! If I didn’t know better, I’d mistake her for an elemental. And those beautifully formed cherry lips. I merely wished to brush against them, to taste their sweetness for the tiniest of moments. And now look what I’ve done! How could I be so irresponsible? Father has warned me since childhood that mortals cannot sustain the vibration of the fairy world. But she ev.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-70
    YEARS OLD
    As if this day couldn’t get any worse. Flight delays in Chicago, lost luggage – and then I come home to this. (holds up paper, reads) “Hi Honey, I guess you’re home now, and you seen – (wincing) and you seen that I’m not here. I’m sorry Baby, but I had to go, and I can’t come back. We had some good times, but there - t-h-e-r-e - there over. Roger and I have fallen in love, and I just can’t help myself. Good-bye. Love, Meagan. … “The last four years of my life, g.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    They don’t get me. Oh, it’s OK. You don’t have to pretend. I know they don’t. I’m different. Not good or bad or anything else. Just different. The part I can’t figure out is why that’s not OK. I mean, who came down from heaven and decreed that everyone has to be the same? Sort of like white bread bologna sandwiches with mayo? Not that I have anything against bologna. I like to eat it sometimes, but not as a steady diet. See, I’ve got this imagination. And it’s cool, at least to me it is. I dream of being a super powered alien from the planet Karpagien who’s come to earth to warn the people o.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: I gotta be honest with you, Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there, just admitted to all her girlfriends that, she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to swim in a pool where wome.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. She was glorious. Right on time, as always. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. It was really by luck I noticed her in the first place, but since I have, I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Milky white skin, French manicure on those long luxurious fingers. Her only vice is her smoking. I usually hate smokers, but not this one. If it weren’t for her smoking, I would never have known her. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel like I do. I know her every fantasy and desire. I can sense her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils to check her work, like me. She’s an old-fashioned girl; likes to check documents by hand before entering them into the computer. She arrives to the office early everyd.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    This has been my dream since I was a little fella. I saw my first horse when I was four years old. A Belgian workhorse on my Daddy’s farm. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, chocolate brown with a long sleek mane; white snowflakes on each ankle and a diamond swoosh on her nose. That’s the moment I knew I was born to ride. My Daddy told me no. I was too young and the horse was just a colt. Not broke yet. But I didn’t listen. I sneaked out to the stables at the crack of dawn. Thunderbolt. That was her name. I rubbed her down and talked to her and told her I was gonna be a jockey. But she didn’t care. She just liked the attention. I fed her and brushed her and treated her like the Queen of Sheba. I went out there everyday for a month, up with the first light.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-70
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a card in my wallet you should know about. On the card are specific instructions and a number to call. Call that number and SUNY will come for me. It’s all been pre-arranged. Just call the number and when SUNY asks what is this in reference to…say …this is most important… SHMUCK NUMBER ONE…SHMUCK NUMBER ONE is my password. I am SHMUCK NUMBER ONE. Me. Ken Schwartz. That’s my M.O. All my life it’s been. Like the time I bowled with the inventor of Sweet & Low and asked him for a job. He said, “Ken, what can you do for me?” (beat) “I don’t know,” I said. I felt like such .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    Dude, I’m dead. My Mom’s going to come into my room tonight after she finds out and she’s going to kill me. And if that doesn’t stick, she’s going to put me on a plane and send me off to live with my Uncle Morris who smokes thirty cigars a day and showers once a month. I’m going to be his smelly little cigar boy. (Beat) Awwwe man, what the hell am I gonna do? This guitar cost her four thousand bucks! She only gave it to me two months before my birthday because she thinks I aced that calculus exam, but I really just turned.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, now I’m going to talk. I heard you. I have quietly considered your explanation. The problem is, I’m still stuck on one of the first things you said before your filibuster. You said (Shouting hysterically) “SURPRISE!” (Suddenly calm), which indicates that you recall our agreement and knew that this would be a magnificent shock. This is one of those moments you dream about, but such things never quite go the same as dreams. In my dreams I rarely become the (age)-year-old advertisement to teenagers for what NOT to do! PREGNANT?! Didn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Billy, a hitman, drops a bullet in his rented room and tries not to panic or become paranoid as he tries to find it.) BILLY: Shit! Dropped one. Just a sec,’ I need to find the little bastard. (Stands) I think it rolled off the bed. Can’t see it. If I switch on the light it might make one of the guests suspicious. They might knock on the door. Even come in. There’s a new guest. She’s short with black hair and lots of mascara and lipstick… I think she's French. I hope she won't be staying long. Damn it! It's not under the bed. Where is it? I keep all the bullets locked in a suitcase with a small padlock. It's not.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    15-25
    YEARS OLD
    Megan. Megan. Megan. Megan. MEGAN!! Sorry. But you didn’t answer the first four times, so that’s—that’s your fault. Anyways. Hi! I just need to ask you a quick—uh, thingy— a quick— thing—question. My god, I don't know why I'm so bad with the English language right now. I actually have an A+ in English, which is actually the highest grade in the.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    DARYL: Ah, my dearest Margaret… sweet, dearest, Margaret…When I was a child, my mother, who was a beautiful, wealthy, totally insane woman…She used to dress me up in a tiny little black suit, and take me to funerals. (Drinks.) She said I needed to learn about death while I was young. That way, it would hurt less when I got older. I soon came to realize that she wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    You’re giving me orders? I had all I could handle of this in the Army. “O’Brian K.P.. O’Brian how come your shoes ain’t shined?” They make you feel guilty for being alive. They really do. Some of the guys may have fell for it. But not me. Not Kevin O’Brian. I wasn’t going to stand there and let myself be humiliated. After arriving at Fort Dix we had an inspection of the barracks. D.I. comes up to me. For no reason t.......
    Price $3.99