• FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-35
    YEARS OLD
    No. Do NOT wish me a Happy Birthday! I still have 10 minutes left, and I'd like to enjoy each and every one of those minutes before the good part of my life is over. You know: my youth, my semi-attractive face, my future. I'm gonna be 33-years-old and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I write a blog for a crappy online music magazine, for no pay, that no one reads. I serve drunks while watching other people living out their dreams, and then I play in crappy dive .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    RUTHIE: The monkey threw his poop on me. He just pooped, picked it up, and threw it on me. And it was at that very moment that I realized who that little beast reminded me of. You, Mark. You are my poop throwing Monkey. You are selfish. You are messy. You make discusting noises. And you are always throwing your shit on me. And I h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    I’m cooking pasta, like I always do on Thursdays. It’s been a tradition ever since James was little I’ve made spaghetti with garlic and he’s always loved it. I’ll ask about school; he’ll ask about work. It’s nice. The water is bubbling and I have this idea. This fleeting thought, for just a moment, that James needs me right now, and I decide to check on him. I walk down the hallway to his bedroom. From outside the door, noises. Subtle, but definitely a movement. I figure it’s a new feature on some sort of videogame or social media or something. I can’t keep up with technology. Kids these days don’t understand real interaction, human connection. They don’t read books, or magazines. Everything is co.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Time’s up. Pens down. Stop the test. There’s no point in finishing. This is IMPORTANT with a capital “I”. I know you studied and now I’m robbing you of achieving your academic dreams. I’m sorry. No. I’m tired of being sorry. I’m not God, you guys. I’m a human female being and there are things… I’m not feeling well. Need to sit. I’ve been hit on the head by falling icicles and it could be bad. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I’m your teacher. B.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever told you age is just a number, lied. I've tried to date men my age. I find their lack of accomplishments and lack of stability very unattractive. Not to mention, their lack of commitment is appalling. These recession post grads are struggling to maintain careers while paying off college debt. They've had enough one-night stands to lose all notions of chivalry. They be.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I did it one time and now I’ll be labeled as “Germy Gemma” for the rest of my professional life. I mean, for God’s sake, I always wash my hands after I use a restroom, ALWAYS…but the other day I was just so crazed over what was happening with the Morton files that the common act of cleanliness got away from me. And if Boss Megan hadn’t been standing on that line and asking me how the case was going, I would have surely scrubbed and rubbed. That woman makes me nervous. Usually she just glances at me while she’s cleaning her glasses, which means she’s technically not able to actually see me all that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Don’t assume I’m angry just because I’m a black woman. We’re not that angry. We’re just misunderstood. We do have our reasons to be angry. Hello, have you seen this hair? Like, God, what is this punishment? Was slavery not enough? Do you know how much money a black woman spends on a weave? Honey a lot! White women get to (swings hair) all day long (Beat) for free and they think we don’t know they’re doing it out of spite, Oh, we know. It’s okay because everyone knows once you go black you don’t go b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For the love of God, will you please get off the floor? Look, this is our first date. I’m not sure if I’m ready to marry you. No, I’m not upset. No, I’m not surprised. You’re not the first man to propose to me on the first date. I use Herbal Essence Shampoo. I’m just kidding. I sounded like a commercial, didn’t I? I’m studying to be a commercial actress. But seriously, ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Parker, come here. This is so embarrassing. Don’t pee there! (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) He doesn’t usually do this. I’m not a bad parent and I usually have complete control! I never ignore him to check my email or Facebook page. I cook all his meals! Yes, he still sleeps in my bed, but we are working on it. Right, Parker? Parker! Please don’t make me chase you again. You know I am still recovering from that soul cycle class. (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) That .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    Returning home made me feel like I would never live a normal life again. I was 29-years old…back in this dead end town…living with my mother who drove me crazy…and I felt like I was going no place fast. I just couldn’t escape the place…so…Somebody called it in. It’s weird, you know, I was the only one home so that never m.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    They took Snickers. Don’t you dare try to tell me they don’t have him, Rick! Cats like Snickers don’t just walk outside to pick up the newspaper, have a quick smoke and then BOOM-SHAK-A-LA-KA disappear! It’s that group I told you about, Rick…don’t laugh at me!!! When they first started moving into the neighborhood, we all thought they were just a little “different” with their gluten free diets, th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Johnny, stop hitting my boyfriend’s head with the “Star Wars” light saber and listen to me. I have something to tell you, Young Skywalker. (Turns to her boyfriend) You okay, Frank? Good. Go to the bathroom and wipe the blood off your nose. And give Johnny and me a moment. And, please put your pants back on. (Holds up photo) I didn’t want to do this Johnny...but your treatment of Frank, the love of my life, leaves me no choice. See this photo, Johnny? This beautiful photo of you, your mom, your dad, and your little whi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday was the worst day ever. You know how broke I am, right? Well I got this brainwave to sell off my old books and CDs to make some extra money. I’ve heard other people talk about doing it on eBay. So I drag out all my books, which I really shouldn’t be carrying, put them in a paper bag and go to work. Then after work I haul them all the way down to Strand Book Store only it rains on the way. Who knew we’d have a flash flood on the one day I want to sell my books? So I’m juggling these books with the busted bag and I finally get to Strand and the guy is a real jerk. Says they don’t buy books after four. I just lost it. I started screaming at him. I don’t know why. He just got to me. He was real.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Trying on a ring.) It’s absolutely stunning! You say it’s one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass-produced. So, how many karats? Lovely. I’ll probably pay cash for it but I want George to see it first. Too bad he’s in a big meeting. Tonight’s our anniversary. (Begins to remove the ring. It’s stuck.) Oh, dear. My hands always swell in the summer. (Licks her knuckle). Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? …$52,000! (Trying to remove ring.).......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Hit me one more time and you’re a dead man. I mean it, Al. I will take this stick and I will bash your brains in. I’ve had it. I cannot take one more minute. Oh, you stand there all high and mighty like you’re someone, but we both know you’re a poor excuse for a human being. What kind of sick bastard have you become? Does it make you feel powerful to swat me so hard I go flying across the room? I’ve had a bruised kidney, broken ribs, countless concussions. Remember the last time? You knocke.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    If you said they died on the way over, I believe you. A little anxious, yes. It’s been a while. For you, too? That’s what my sister said. So, Maurice…right, Maury then, if that’s what you prefer to be called. Sure, I drink. Two margaritas and I’m in la-la land. You know a nice Mexican restaurant? All right. Let’s vamoose. What’s the matter, Maury? You forgot your wallet? It’s okay. These things happen. No. I have money. You’ll pay me back when we get to your apartment? I’m not certain if I’m going that far. It’s not a rejection. I find you very attractive. Sure, I kis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, Dr. Listenberg. Okay, so when I wake up, I realize that my "super" pad isn't really in a superlative mood because I've bled through my sheets. Good morning! Oh come on, we're in the ER. There's worse things than this. Like that guy! He definitely needs immediate attention because that shouldn't be hanging from there. Right?! Are you gonna go look at him? You can come back to me after. I don't think I'm doing as ba.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I swear it's not you...It's me. I really didn't mind all of your weird little quirks...It was cute, almost. So really, it's not you, it's me. I am completely the reason why I am packing my bags. (Beat) It has nothing to do with your toenail clippings! I would never be that shallow, David. Come on. Break up over toenails? There were so many other things that were way more disgusting and worth breaking up over. Like your weird appeti.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My mother taught me how to be a woman. Well, I had several mothers. They would dress me up like their little doll. I’d prance around in shoes too big while draped in silks. I felt so beautiful. It’s from them I learned about love, learned how to love. (Beat) My first love paid me. You see, we had t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-38
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t work today. Well, not exactly sick. I’m tired, really tired. Look, Rory’s suddenly having nightmares for the first time. So, we’ve been up 3 out of the last 4 nights. He’s peed the bed twice, including mine. He’s had 3 colds and an ear infection since October 2 of which he generously shared. What? YES! He eats fruit and vegetables. Yes, he’s had a flu shot. I’m a single mother, not an idiot who neglects her.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    24-40
    YEARS OLD
    I want to talk about what happened yesterday. When I tried to take Joey to the supermarket. It nearly killed me. It nearly killed Joey. You all know autistic kids are hell. That’s why you’re here. He was banging his head so hard against the floor that I thought he would have a concussion See, Joey really wanted a box of Trix cereal. But the A&P didn’t have any more Trix cereal left. So, I gave him Cheerios instead and he totally lost it. Threw himself onto the floor. He was kicking so hard I thought the floor tiles would break. The store manager tried to help but Joey bit him. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-60
    YEARS OLD
    I think my cell mate wants to sleep with me. Actually, I'm positive she definitely wants to have sweaty shower sex. I don't know much about Velma, my cell mate, but from what I heard, she is NOT the one you say no to. I think she's in here for murdering her kids or husband, somebody but it's rude to ask. I learned that after I got shanked by the Co.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    CLARA: I know what you're thinking: "What is she doing here?" I'll tell you what she's doing here...I'm changing my life. I haven't had a job in ten years. The little money my husband left me is almost out. So, I've come to a decision. I'm changing my life. You don't think I can do it, do you? You doubt me. These loins have brought forth life, yet you doubt my ability to change my own. It all came to me while I was riding the subway. My stomach was growling, so I decided to have a mint to calm my tummy, so I wouldn't disturb the sleeping homeless guy sit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    My introduction into the teaching profession was rough at best. I was twenty-one years old and fresh out of college when I landed a position teaching elementary music in a northern mining town. I was terrified, but I told myself, “Just get through the first day. You’ll be fine.” Kids had always liked me, and I really had no idea what to expect. Well, the first day turned out to be bedlam in the office and when I went to the school secretary to get my class lists, she was buried under a barrage of parents. She threw a list in my direction and pointed me toward a photocopier. I’ve never been very good with machines and this one was no exception. I hit the “on” switch and impatiently waited for it to warm up. Worried that my class would arrive before me, I quickly made an almost illegible copy and gave the original back to the secretary. My first class was grade six. They were intimidating, to say the least. One kid stood in a corner spinning in circles while another named Brian Good who I later dubbed “Bri.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Sounds like something a clichéd comic might say? Well baby, clichés are for people who aren’t visionaries. I love him like a fat kid loves cake and I freaking love cake like I love my boyfriend. I don’t know what it is, but food and passion just can’t seem to separate from each other. Whenever I see onion rings, grease dripping onto the plate and all, I just think two things: A) When is he going to put one on my actual finger and B) Can we get seconds delivered to our table because I am HUNGRY!! Or how about melting chocolate? OH MY GOOOOODDDDD!!!! Can we talk about this for a secon.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I tell you Nora, if I don’t kill Flibbertigibbet-Dana she’ll kill me. Look at her out there, slinging clothes over the line. They’ll never dry. You watch, she’ll be up here looking for a glass of wine – pour me a glass, will ya? She drives me crazy. Why Howie married her I’ll never know. He was in love with you – still is. Why didn’t you marry him? Then you could be my sane sister-in-law. She’s of no use to me. And those heels. It could be the dead of winter and out of the house she comes in her heels. Christ, I was wrapping Dad's arm at the hospital this morning. His arm is useless. The lymph edema. There I am wrapping his a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-35
    YEARS OLD
    REBECCA: My boyfriend is addicted to sex. Unfortunately it’s not with me. It’s with his mother’s best friend. It’s with the stripper he met at the corner deli. It’s with this girl that works with him at the hair salon. Yes, he works at a hair salon. No, he’s not gay. My girlfriend Katie says he sleeps with women to prove he’s not gay.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    FLORA: I can’t imagine a life without coffee. If I had to choose between my husband and my coffee, I would select my coffee. If I had to choose between my children and my coffee, I would select my coffee. Just kidding, I don’t have children. God, what kind of mother would I be? “Here’s my child, now give me a latte!” (La.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So I’m standing on line at Filene’s Basement, which by the way, is not in a basement. I had to take a ginormous escalator to get up to customer service. So why do they call it a basement? Geography was never my long suit, but doesn’t a basement by its very definition require the escalator to go down? Anyway, I’m standing there waiting to return six of the party dresses I’m not wearing to my cousin’s wedding cuz they’re just too hideous for words – what was I thinking?! - when this oddball guy gets in line behind me. I noticed him right.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    WYNONA: Hi. How are you? Before we get in the car and start this little adventure called my driver’s test…A few things about myself: I have a rare genetic disease where I have too many male genes and that causes me to be colorblind. Sometimes I don’t see yellow or red. But I have memorized the order of the lights. I know which color is on top, middle, and bottom. I’m also a little psychic, and sometimes I see dead people. Seriously........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    You got a homeless guy on your block? I got a homeless guy in my house. And he's got keys! It's my brother! That mofo's the laziest ass guy you ever wanna meet. Let me tell ya, he gives new meaning to the word lazy. He brings the definition to an all time low! He pays my nephew to change the channel on the big ass.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    KATIE: (Eating popcorn.) So I said: “Sir, your penis is touching my leg.” And he said: “I’m not a Sir. I’m a doctor. A dentist to be exact.” Can you believe it? No apology. No humiliation. Just a title correction. No, I couldn’t report him. Seriously. I have gone through six dentists in the last two years. Dr. Snider i.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I went over there and my intention was strong and crystal clear, just like you told me: To let him know that I feel very devalued by him and to explain how, so that he could understand what to do with that information. I felt prepared; I was no longer angry, so that I could speak calmly, but I reminded myself of the importance of my feelings, so that I could speak with authority on behalf of myself. I was NOT going to have sex with him until my point was made, and ONLY if my point was made and heard and understood. He op.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    38-59
    YEARS OLD
    Honestly, I don’t know what I believe anymore, Ray. First you say you worked late, then you left on time, but stopped by the club to say hi to Tommy. Which is it, huh? And if I call up Tommy to verify your story will he get all the details right? Did you prep him beforehand or are you pulling this stuff out o’ your ass as you go? You think I’m a moron? I see, Ray. I have eyes. You’ve been screwin’ that slutty lookin’ secretary, haven’t you? Don’t bother to deny it. You’ll only dig yourself a deeper hole. Did you know you’.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi Sheila! Good morning. Fun holiday party Saturday night, huh? (Beat) OK, let’s get this over with. I was very drunk and some things were said that I can’t quite take back. Jesus, where do I start? OK, well first off, I do not think you got a botched boob job. They are very tight and completely symmetrical to one another…a very well done breast job, actually. Um, oh the thing about you and Bill in accounting. Shit, well that part was kind of true, but my telling everyone about the stained check incident, well, that was just vicious and.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me, sir. Sir! Yo! Excuse me. Yeah. You, sir. Are you okay? Do you understand what I am saying? Speaky English? Good. Can you stand on your own two feet? Or do you need my help? Do you need me to help you, sir? I will help you stand if you need me to. No. You can’t lie there, sir. Are you dizzy? Do you see two of me or one of me? How many me’s do you see of me? No. You’re going to have to move. A bank isn’t a hotel. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He broke up with me via Instagram! Well, we were never Facebook official. I’m not even sure we were Facebook friends but I found out when he posted a pic of his girlfriend, now fiancée, that bitch! How dare she! He and I had something special! We were sleeping together for six whole weeks, Six Weeks! Although he claimed to be the anti-commitment type of guy, he had no problem putting a ring on her freaking finger! What am I missing? I'm a catch. I'm sexy, intelligent. I have a j.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    TAMMY:I am an embarrassment to my entire family. You see, I was born and raised on a giant chicken farm, right outside of Geneva, Alabama. And for me to be allergic to chicken eggs, it is just unacceptable to my family. I mean, I’m sure you can understand. It’s like being allergic to meatballs and you’re Italian. Or allergic to spring rolls an.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    FRANCINE: When I was a child, I hated other children. I couldn’t imagine why they were so happy all the time. Jumping and playing around, as if nothing existed but this thing called ‘fun.’ I began to think they weren’t really having fun, they were just acting happy to make me feel worse. My parents took me to a shrink when I was ten. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-50
    YEARS OLD
    NORA: I am going to fling you right out of this hammock, Colleen Foley. You’re not taking my bed under the stars. You can’t have it. I wanted some goddamned apple pie and there was none to be had. It was you, wasn’t it? You ate the other half. No wonder you’re fat and out of shape and a mess. I wanted that pie because I was terrified. Terrified I’ve made a mess of my life. Nothing to show for a day of it. Not a real home, a pet, a MAN, a child. I could have been a chiropractor and studied the healing arts. I was hired you know, almost, but then on the third intervi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’m drunk. I’m at the greasy-pizza-and-hope-there’s-no-hangover stage. It’s not a bad thing. Tonight it’s released me from the gnawing hole in my solar plexus that you put there. I’ve just flown 3000 miles across the country away from the man I love; away from the one person who fills my soul with the sheer joy of life itself. It wasn’t easy stepping on that plane. And probably not wise, in light of our final night together. Interesting how the night is the witching hour. The whole world goes into hang-time during those hours. That’s why it’s my favorite. No obligations, no outside white noise; just the real, honest, raw, naked and perhaps vulnerable me. And maybe the vulnerable you as well. Do you have.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    Welcome to class, ladies and fabulously dressed gentleman. Today, we will learn how to obtain a wealthy man without really trying. Lesson one: BAIT! You have to maintain your bait. If a billion dollar financial advisor approached you right now, would you be ready? Not with those busted shoes and that hairstyle, you’re not. The type of man that will change your life goes to galas. You won't get an invite if you loo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    KIMBERLI: Excuse me?! What did you just say to me? How dare you come up to me and ask me “Is that your hair?” You don’t know me! What makes you think you can come up to a complete stranger and ask her that? Who do you think you are? Is that your hair? Of course it’s my hair! And why did you pick ME? What? I can’t have naturally long hair? Out of all the w.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COM./DRA.
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So, I’m plus size. More to love, right? Why is it that too little of something is seen as glamorous, just enough is a step below adequate, but too much is considered monstrous? Fat. F A T. I hate that word. If you put a PH in front of it, people think you’re hip. I just think you sound like you got hooked on phonics but refused the rehab. I won’t lie to you and say that I haven’t dreamed of what it would be like to live a day in the life of a “skinny girl”.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    LINDA: I’m into hair. All my life I have only dated, and married men with full heads of hair. My high school sweet heart was a cheating son of a bitch, but he had a full head of beautiful blonde hair. Loved it! Like sunshine! My college sweet heart weighed 328lbs and had a growth on his kneecap, but God his hair was a sparkling, shaggy red. Like a head of roses. Fresh red roses! My first husband was convicted of murdering his parents, but .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    19-50
    YEARS OLD
    My head feels like it’s going to explode and my teeth are aching so badly, I’m considering getting a pair of pliers and yanking them out one at a time. With my luck they’d probably chip and I’d have to have root canals or something. Of course I can’t sleep because of my running nose, so I have to stuff tissues inside my nostrils in order to have any peace. No wonder I can’t get a man in my bed. I look like a bloody walrus. I took a Theraflu two nights ago. You know - the one you mix up with hot water and it feels like your mother’s made chicken soup. But it made me so stoned I couldn’t even dream, except to dream I was stoned and then I woke the next.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Here I am, about to get gorgeous for my very own wedding. I can’t tell you how long I have waited for this moment. You know the old saying, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?” Every time that I walked down that aisle for somebody else I’d pretend it was me in the flowing white dress, instead of some new fresh horror that was perfectly designed to make the bride look gorgeous by comparison. But I knew that one day I would have my revenge. Finally, I met Mr. Right and here I am. I found the dress of my dreams three years ago, while shopping with Cindy for bridesmaid’s dress number five. I wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve lost hope. It sounds self-indulgent to say it out loud, but I have. I came here fresh and wide-eyed like all the others. I was different. I was going to change the world. But guess what? Nothing has changed, except me. I’m 13 years older and I don’t believe I can change shit. Have you ever had a dream? I mean a real dream? Something you just can’t stop holding onto? Something more precious than anything else you hold dear in life? I’ve been a dreamer since childhood. Maybe even before that. It’s in every cell of my existence. Its tentacles are so embedded in my DNA it’ll never let go. I want to act! And I want to be the best in the world! Oo, even as I say it, I wince. To the outside world it must sou.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-35
    YEARS OLD
    Dr. Phillip, I'm here today because of “Mr. I Don't Love My Girlfriend.” Strike 1: He's looking at every girl's ass that walks by without even trying to hide it. Strike 2: He's on the phone texting and smiling. I wanted to be like, "Yo! Who the hell are you so happy to text at 7:46 in the morning, Jake?!" But I didn't say anythin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    BERTHA: I am a woman. Do you understand what that means, Rosco? It means, Rosco, that you treat me with kindness and respect. Or, I kill you. (Temper rising.) Now if I say I want to have dessert, you say: “Enjoy your dessert Bertha.” You don’t say: “That dessert will make you fat Bertha.” ‘Cause when you say “that dessert will make you fa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    LISA: Let me start by saying I am not responsible for what I’m about to say. I haven’t eaten all day and I have a blood sugar level problem and a thyroid problem, I think. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with either, but I’m pretty sure the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve decided to label each of my wrinkles. I turn forty tomorrow and it’s time to get creative or I won’t survive this. So, labels. This one is the I-paid-for-my-ex-husband’s-rehab wrinkle. The parentheses around my mouth are named separation and divorce. Each of the Crow’s Feet is a pregnancy scare; under my eyes are both named weight gain and all the rest are from the blind date I went on last night where the guy told me he could “see experience” in my face. He said I was a “real woman,” then insisted I pay for dinner. And I was wearing Spanx - the worst thing about turning forty. They’re great for making fat rol.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I’m back. I’m here now. It’s late, but I need to sit with you. I need to talk to you, Dad. I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know where I thought I was going, like some little snotty-nosed kid running away. But you can’t blame me. I don’t want to see you like this. I don’t want to be your nurse. I don’t want to put you deeper and deeper into sleep until you stop breathing, so I left. I guess I trudged along about a half a mile, fists jammed in my pockets, shoulders up around my ears. Every step I pushed you, this house, and Wittenberg Road behind me, hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Terrorist: A person who terrorizes or frightens others. Let me be the first to admit: Children are terrorists. The sky is blue, our bodies need water, and children are masters of terrorism. I understand children are overwhelmingly adorable. They say cute things in cute voices while wearing cute outfits, but looks can be deceiving! Their primary objective is to break you down to the point of slight insanity. First of all, labor in itself is exactly like the battle between Bane and Batman in The Dark Knig.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    MARE: You think you can take care of a kid? You think bein’ an Aunt can make you his mother some way? You couldn’t handle a kid. Your life is so fuckin’ neat. You think you can come here and take my kid and raise him? You have white rugs! White rugs for Chris’sake. You made us eat in the yard last time those torch citron bamboo lantern jungle things with and we got bit anyways. Had red bumps for days. Lark had huge welts for a week cuz you have white rugs. You kept repeating over and over again, “the best way to the bathroom is through the kitchen,” boys piss outside anyways and all because you didn’t wanna get that w.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Dick. Oh Dick. Why does this happen? Why? I love you! Yet it does. It happens. But why? Why does it have to? I remember the night we met. I had broken off with Tom who had let me know the night before he was gay. The thought of his body, and how could any man’s be as soft as mine. Then you came along, with your chipped front tooth, and tiny hands. Up and down that bar. The nerve of you. Flopping yourself down at my table. Then you offered me that drink. The first of many. I was certain what was on your mind. Did I refuse? I could have. But there you were. Looking like a fool. Your chipped too.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    Sometimes in singing competition TV shows they’ll show the tragic backstory of some wide-eyed hopeful contestant and they’re like, “I’d never been on a plane before but I left my small town in Iowa for a chance at the dream.” Then it turns out the auditions are in Iowa so they didn’t even have to take a plane. They didn’t actually lie. They just used words to get around saying, “I’m not good enough on my own, so I need some sob story so you morons will vote for me,” or whatever. That’s what Sammy did. He said he had to go to L.A. to do movies or something. Sa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Mark! (pause, then lose mind) Hit me over the head. Take Joey’s bat and put me out of my misery! Wait…I’ll turn around. Just do it quick. I wish I was kidding. If I have to have the same discussion, ask for the same things one more time, I’m either going to need Haldol and a tight little white jacket or I swear, I’ll run naked through the neighborhood spraying canned-cheese and screaming, “Let’s go streak through the cul-de-sac! Come .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I work full time at a hospital, I make $9.00 an hour and I’m one paycheck away from being homeless. After I pay all my bills, I’ve got $30.00 a month left over to buy food. I’ve thought about calling Child Services to come and take my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to live this way but she wouldn’t let me. I’m such a failure. I can’t even afford to take a day off of work to look for a better paying job because my present boss will think I’m not reliable and I can’t afford to lose the job I have. I lost my last one. I broke my wrist and I had no health care. I still have no health care. I make too much to qualify for assistance, so I accrued all these medical bills. I lost my job because I couldn’t work and I didn’t qualify for Worker’s Comp. Within two months.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    You sent me a text on July 2nd and I saved it, preserved it like some rare artifact or precious gemstone. It seemed like a sign at the time. Of course, when you’re hopelessly in love, you read things into the tiniest moments and your rose colored glasses cleverly filter out any unwanted red flags. Must be a color spectrum thing. You probably don’t even remember what you wrote, much less that you wrote it at all and I know you don’t realize the significance of the date because you never took time to ask. Come to think of it, you haven’t asked much about me at all, like when’s my birthday, what kind of ice cream do I prefer, do I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    When no one else is in the car with me I listen to the sixties station. The voices seem pure, and there’s that crackling under the track that makes you think of a needle on vinyl and right then, only then, I miss my grandfather. Everyone knows he was a bad guy, I mean, Jesus, my dad changed our last name and everything. But I have this picture in my head, it’s—it seems stupid, I know, but it feels like something. We’re under the staircase in my childhood house, I’m about five, and we’re dancing. I’m standing on his feet, my hands are around his waist and my ear is pressed against his belly. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    No sex. That’s a big one. To me, sex is just so annoying to go through all that emotional hubbub and then get what…three, maybe four if your partner is that good, seconds of happiness? And then you have to shower and it’s just too much effort. So if the apocalypse were coming next week, “hypothetically,” the first thing I would do is give up sex. And like, all sex, because even oral is just too much freakin’ work. And knowing of the impending doom, the guy’ll probably want to stick ar.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DEE: I love the beginning of a new day. I try to pretend it's the beginning of everything. This is the very first day, I tell myself. The first and last day of my life. Like one of those insects. The Mayfly is it? I read about it in a book. They are born, live and die in twenty-four hours. Perhaps time moves differently for them, do you think? Perhaps they live eighty years in those twenty-four hours. Today is a new day and I have to live it to the full. Do all the things I ever wanted to.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    All they do is talk to each other. I don’t understand. We aren’t in this business to “talk” to one another. We’re in it to win. I mean isn’t that what being an actor is all about? Winning and shining and showing the world how much more unbelievably incredible you are than all the “normies” out there. Well, I’ve had it with these New York actors marching into our L.A studio with their theatre laced resumes and their artistically different headshots! (Starting to open up a few of her shirt buttons to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Does this make me look fat? Actually, don’t even answer that, David. Of course you would say yes; you’re suck a dick. Yeah, you’re my husband but you’re a dick nonetheless. You secretly wish I had the dimensions of a supermodel: 34, 26 and 36. I’ve seen your collection of my Victoria Secret catalogues that .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Okay. So. When I sleep with Dennis at night, he makes this absolutely horrendously inexplicably God-awful snoring sound. Only it's, like, worse than snoring. It's like. It's like: (She imitates the sound.) And I recently I started having... nightmares. Vivid, detailed nightmares. And I sometimes wonder, “Am I going to do in life what I'm doing in these nightmares?” They always start with Dennis coming home from work. He asks me what's for dinner and I want to say, "Wh.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m done looking for a good man in New York City! I’ve been cat fished by cuckoos, cat-called by creepers. This is driving me freaking crazy! I just walked through Harlem and I swear, it felt like I was in the jungle itself. I’ve never heard so many different animal calls in my life. (Beat) “Hey Yo! Ma…waasssuuup!” What is that? In the south we have a thing called chivalry? Is that the street corner version of romance? So I thought, “Let me try the Bronx” because I love A Bronx Tale and I can be like Robert De Niro said. You know, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was journaling today about crumbs and selling myself short. I got into all the usual “poor me” stuff. You know how you do? Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure do. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong when, all of a sudden, I had this childhood memory that I’d totally forgotten about. It was about my father. He was a real bastard when we were growing up. He’s sober now; so’s my Mom. But then? Whoa. He used to clock me in the head when I said something he didn’t like. I mean so hard it made my head spin. I told my mom and she didn’t believe me, said I was making it up. Well, that made it worse. Now I was ostracized by both of them. I was determined to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    MRS. BURNS looking disheveled: I know I look like shit..I don't care. My day started out okay. I left my house early, I caught the train right away, I got out and ordered a large coffee and my favorite a bagel with cream cheese, lox and onion and I was on my way to see you people. I finish my bagel and I reach into my pocket and realize I am out of Altoids. I have coffee, lox and onion breath. I can't be out of Altoids. And no other mint will do. Altoids: t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    MAUREEN: Do I look like a virgin? Why would you assume I’m a virgin? Look… Father O’Brien… I don’t need this stress. I come to you for counseling, not judgment. For you to say I should be proud to be a virgin is insulting. You don’t know me. I could be a slut on one of those interstate rest stops for all y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Damn teenagers baring children. Why some people bother I’ll never know. They come in here full. Proud of their bellys. Carrying suitcases for their brief stay. Holding onto their husband’s hand. Sweating and nervous. You don’t need a stethoscope to hear their hearts beating away with every second. I’ve seen so many come and go through here, like there was a sale in a department store, and they had to beat the crowd to get their first. Young and irresponsible. Can’t wait to grow up. Getting married. Hopping into bed. In such a rush it’s pathetic. Barely able to take care of themselves. It amazes me, how they expect to take care of an infant with all the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    BETTY: (Looking stage left. Yelling at RICKY.) Ricky, please do not stand on the furniture. It is very expensive, I’m sure. Get your fingers out of your mouth! (To DOCTOR.) My apologies. I just can’t control him. Ricky was such a sensible man…when I married him. It was after the ten years of marriage that he began to act… insane. Yes, I have examples. I have a ton of examples. You think I would come here, and say my husband is crazy without examples…? (To .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    The first shoes I recall owning were not Jimmy Choos or Prada or even Kenneth Coles. I wore brown hand-me-down orthopedic oxfords. Everyone else was sporting these cute little paten leather Mary Janes and I’d come clunking along in my orthopedic oxfords. And not just sometimes. They were the only pair of shoes I owned. My mother was a product of the depression and there was nothing wasted in our house. Two pair of shoes were simply out of the question. No sneakers, no cute little black sporty numbers for a change of pace. Just standard issue basic brown orthopedic oxfords. You can imagine how attractive I felt going to church in them with my blue pleated mini skirt and my canary yellow stockings. I don’t think I would have minded so much if there had been a purpose to this exercise, but as far as I can glean to this day, I got them because my sister needed them. Therefore, it somehow followed that I must need them too. My sister was born toeing in.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He said I wasn’t black enough. Excuse me? What color was I when I walked in the casting room? Was I purple today or a nice shade of lime green? Last time I checked I was always black enough to audition for the role of a black person. So, I’m all ready to read for Macbeth. I’ve been practicing my Shakespeare for weeks. “Was the hope drunk. Wherein you dressed yourself? Hath it slept since?” I began my monologue and was interrupted suddenly by a “Ahem, a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Dear heavenly Father, I'd like to pray for forgiveness on behalf of that floozy that has disrupted and disrespected this heavenly place, (BEAT) by failing to wear pantyhose with that blasphemous short skirt. I know you have room in your heart for all heathens and sinners, but really, HER? Are you out of lightning bolts or something? I know for a fact that she has .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In normal voice) Oh my god, Debra, just say hello like a normal person. “HELLO.” There we go! “Hello, I'm Debra. How are you? HOW are you? How are YOU? I am very, very, very good, thank you. I am so excited for this interview. So excited I feel I could urinate all over the place-- just pee everywhere because I'm so excited.” No, that's dumb. Just be a normal human being, Debra. “W.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    That’s right, officer. I want an attorney present. I’m not answering that either. So, appoint me one. Somebody cute. Get lost, you bum. So, I got a big mouth. I’ve got respect for myself, which is more than I can say for you. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shirt like that. And that tie. Your wife must be colorblind. You’re not married? It figures. One look at you is enough to sink a ship. Where am I from? Nova Scotia. What do I care if you believe me? Yes. Lisa Hansen’s my real name. Check it. Double check it. Quadruple check it. Go ahead and hit me. I’d love to see you try. A cocksucker like you don’t scare me. I know I’m in trouble. L.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    23-35
    YEARS OLD
    It's a great question, Mr. Andrews! Thank you so much for asking! What makes me a qualified candidate to display the shoes here at Target? Oh my...so many things!...uh...well, I worked with a meth head. During my internship in my final year of college. Debbie Mitchell. I was so jealous of her! She was so thin - I was so jealous! Haha! I never did it because of what it did to her skin. But ya know? Thinking back...just a little make-up made the sores almost unnoticeable. She wore a vintage 2000 lace Luis Vuitton dress to our inte.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was ancient. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone r.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Thanks, Molly. Some single moms should’ve kept their knees together, right? Don’t interrupt. I’ve tolerated your unsolicited advice, the staring, eye rolling, and you parenting my kids in front of me. I notice the assumptions that I’m irresponsible, disorganized, and even undesirable. You spew stories about your sister, Meg, whose house is never messy, who’s never late, and who is always put-together like she stepped off a Good Housekeeping-had-a baby-with-Vogue magazine. Meg-the-“single-mom” is engaged to an actual h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: Are the ropes too tight Deborah? Grunt if they are. Good. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. (SHE GRABS A KNIFE AND WALKS AROUND THE CHAIR.) You have a very nice grunt- Are you a singer? I always wanted to be a singer. Just one problem – I can’t sing. I sound like a wet cat when I croon in the shower. (Sing.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was old. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. They were beautiful Labradors. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone remember her? Did her struggles in life really matter? I hear she’s being cremated. So her body won’t even be left behind. It’s so strange. Surreal. Whe.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t know…I just had a funny feeling. It’s hard to explain…you experience it sort of. I’ve always had odd feelings tell me things. It’s the schizophrenia. I’ll go into this place in my mind, where you experience this special feeling…everything is deep purple…almost black…and I feel so high I think I’ll faint........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    RACHEL: Gum girl, gum girl? The bitch called me gum girl! Of course I said, "No" when she ask me to marry her. And besides that, she's a woman. Eeewwwww! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I'm all for gay marriage. I mean, if two people of the same sex want to get married, then they should. I put the equal signs on my Facebook page. Oh, and my uncle’s neighbor’s best friend is gay, so I don't have a proble.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    KERRI: I have often thought about having a sex change. Not for me, but for my husband. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a lesbian. And, I love Dick. ‘Dick’ is my husband. I love Dick, but that thing between his legs just drives him to do horrible stuff. At night instead of watching television with me, he pretends to be working on the computer in the next room, but I know he watches Internet .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    JUNE: Doc, I think I've figured out what is going on with me. I am a gay guy trapped inside a straight woman's body. Now, hear me out, hear me out. When I go shopping for eye make up, I don't think, "I'll get pastels." I think, "I want something fierce." (Pause) Okay, every time I take a shower I sing a different Judy Garland song. I know everybody loves Judy Garland but when I started to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WENDY: Single people have always frightened me. I mean, they have to make decisions on their own. That could be dangerous. I can’t even buy a pack of gum without consulting my husband. “Should I buy the sugar free gum?” I ask. “No, you are super allergic to that artificial sweetener in that one.” He says. See. I could have died if I was single. And the hunting mode single people go into at social functions- it is .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    DIANE: A homeless man slapped me today. He just stood up. Called me a bitch and slapped me. Mother, is it wrong that I enjoyed it? It was the first time a real man touched me in a very long time. And he smelled like fish and beef, and Lucky Charm.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t want to be stuck, crusty, hard-hearted or angry. (to self) Am I bitter? I’m bitter. I am. I am. NO! Help, God! I am a bitter, almost-middle-aged woman who is barely lady-like because I’ve gotten tough. Hard, and not in the take-on-the-world good way. Uuuh. But I want to be one of those sweet people who well up with tears when someone tells me something beautiful or sad. I want to believe people when they take vows before God in stunning dresses, perfectly gelled h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was cooking dinner on the stove when I heard him walk in. I didn't turn to look at him. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a good night or a bad one. The next thing I knew, he was pressed up against my back, the smell of whiskey strong on his breath. He says, "Spaghetti again?" and knocks the pot off.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I killed that stalker! He showed up at my front door. I don’t even know how he got my address? (Beat) I always thought he was weird, you know, snooping around the neighborhood, always wearing the same blue outfit. He was always looking so suspicious with those bags and boxes he was carrying around, leaving little packages and envelopes of God-knows-what on doorsteps. The first time he left something on my stoop I thought it was unusual. He knew exactly which month I.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: (soaked from head to toe) They really should have directions in the bathroom on how to work the bidet. How was I supposed to know you should not look directly at the bidet when turning it on? It shot up like a geyser! I almost drowned, Marci. (MARCI IS CONFUSED. TRYING TO EXPLAIN.) The bidet! The thing by the toilet in the bathroom! No, it’s not a toilet. I know it looks like a toilet, but it’s not. It’s for cleaning yourself after you use the bathroom. It’s called a bidet and it shoots a very dang.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend says I’ve got “junk in the trunk.” I don’t know why he’s so smug. You ask me, he’s the one carrying a spare tire. Did you know that the spare they carry around in a car is called a donut? How’s a girl supposed to go on a diet with all this food around her? Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me on that one. I should own stock in the diet industry. I’ve Zoned, Atkinsed, Weight Watched, Jenny Craiged and Lucille Robertsed my way through the diet circuit. Remember Susan Powter? “Stop the insanity!” I think she musta’ gone insane cuz no one’s heard of her in a long time. So now I’m thinking of starting my own diet – “The Cardb.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I'm tired. I feel like low-sodium chicken broth. Literally - like I am the base of a soup, but not yet that soup. Just waiting in the box in the fridge. Waiting to be poured out. Waiting to become the soup I will become, but completely unaware of the plan of the cook. And who the hell is the cook? I don't know. I went to Jackie's baby's christening this weekend. That was a mind trip! I saw her breast-feed her child. I mean...I saw her BREAST-FEED HER CHILD. I can't wrap my mind around it. It was way too adult..........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m used to it. I float so much I’m turning into a cork. Sometimes it’s better to go with the tide than against it. You can be like water and then you can be like fire. Okay, so I don’t know what any of that crap means, but I read it somewhere once and I find the words comforting. Poetic. Why can’t I be poetic? Why can’t I be a floating cork? It’s better than being a fat pig. When I was a kid they called me a fat tub o’ shit. Oh, you can’t tell now cuz I lost forty pounds the summer I turned fourteen and I’ll starve myself now rather than be fat again. Can you keep a secret? Somet.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-36
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, so let’s see what we have on the menu tonight. The usual crowd. Slick Joe at the end of the bar. Been doin’ the same patter for three years. One night he might actually get lucky. God bless him for his tenacity. Randy Andy by the jukebox. Now he’s a sexy little number. That tossled hair does it for me. Then there’s Wayne. A bit of a cokehead, but nice to look at, especially when he’s playin’ stick. He can lean over a pool table like nobody I know. The thing about being behind the bar is you’ve got your pick of the litter. I mean, all I’d have to do is point and these guys would be all over me, but where’s the sport in that? I want something untamed. Someone to knock me off my rhythm, ya know? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I said, “Why don’t we all sit down together and have a coffee and talk everything over?” They laughed at me. The man with the gun got angry. “Why do you teach their children?!” he screamed at me. “You are one of us. Why do you teach these scum’s children?! They are lice! They are shit on the face of the earth!” “What do you want of me?” I asked him. “What of you!” he was still screaming. “We want you to watch. Watch the miracle. We are in charge now. We are taking over.” Jovan looked across at me. He looked sympathetic. It was Pak who too.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    21-45
    YEARS OLD
    Are we done, Joe? Cuz it feels like we’re done. I’m in your bed and I’m pretty sure I’m in your heart, but I’m definitely NOT in your life. You said Monday. Remember? That was after you said Friday. And you were good enough to actually call Friday and tell me it wasn’t going to work and I was fine with that. Really. Because I had Monday to look forward to. I was even lobbying for Sunday and you said maybe, which was hopeful, but then I get a text that Sunday was definitely no good and I don’t even hear from you on Monday. You don’t answer your text or your phone. You just ignore the date and the fact that I exist at all. Somehow you can sext me ad infinitum when there’s no danger of actually seeing me, b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    TRISH: This is my first time on a quiet train. (Pause) It's really quiet. When I first heard about it I was like, "Whoa, let me get on that train." Because sometimes you are on a train and you just want to read or go to sleep and someone will be like blah blah blah. Well, you're reading so you must know what I mean. Can you imagine if you were on the other train? HA! .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    What do you think of the Rorschach test? Now they’re saying it’s based on a Swiss Parlor game. Years ago they said it was based on clouds. A man looked up at the sky and saw clouds move and got this idea. These young people are constantly trying to re-create history. History is a mystery. Leave it alone. Why not create something uplifting? I illustrated five of the Pippi Longstocking books and was Art Director for McCalls all before I was thirty and this was in the fifties. I’m in Who’s Who. Of course this made me very anxious. My mother a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DONNA: I gotta be honest with you Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there just admitted to all her girlfriends that she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to sw.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Just a minute, young man, come over here. Do you know what I found in the back seat of my car? Hmm? (holds up a tiny piece of something)…I know it’s a piece of foil wrapping. Don’t be a smart ass…It wasn’t too small for me to figure it out, and I know that you’ve seen it before…That’s right, it’s a piece of a condom wrapper. I thought I’d clean up my car today…Don’t interrupt. If you HAD cleaned it well, I wouldn’t have found this, would I? Now, I’m actuall.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love you. I enjoy being with you; I enjoy our laughter. I like seeing you smile, especially when it lights up your whole face. I love you. I do. But sometimes it’s not enough. It’s not enough to outweigh all the things I don’t say. In my deepest silences I’m afraid to admit the truth because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you. If anyone should get hurt, it should be me because I c.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    As the lights come up, we see a woman trying on a ring in a jewelry store and talking to the clerk. Oh, it’s absolutely stunning! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Now, you say it’s a one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass produced. He has a thing that way. So, how many karats are the diamonds? Lovely. Inspecting the ring. Oh yes, yes. I see exactly what you mean. I’ll probably pay cash for it. Of course, I can’t buy it today. I want George to see it first and he has a big meeting this afternoon. Too bad. I would have liked to wear it to dinner tonight. It’s our anniversary. Begins to remove the ring, but can’t get it off her finger. Oh, dear. It appears to be stuck. My hands always swell in the summer. I’m sure I can get it off. It’s no problem. She tries licking her knuckle. It still won’t budge. Smiling weakly. Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? I’m sure George will approve. She pales .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him, Mom, but I don’t think I can marry him tomorrow. I ordered these shoes from Paris two months ago and I was not only promised they would fit, but that they would make me feel like a princess at her coronation. Well, they don’t fit and I feel more like a witch at the stake, flaming feet first! (Weepy) It’s not fair. Don’t I get a chance to feel pretty? The shoes are everything Mom. I can’t wobble down the aisle. Not to mention, look at these blisters? These are.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-37
    YEARS OLD
    (Sitting at the cafe) Okay, okay, so you'll never guess who I slept with last night. Oh shit, I think I may have given it away… But oh my God, can you believe it? I know. It's so unlike me. I know it was my first date with Bob but we had such a connection. I knew when I first started talking to him in the bar that we were meant to be together. And let me tell.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’m so tired of this, Harry! You (quote fingers) “can’t believe I didn’t get you off?” REALLY? Well, let’s see. Maybe I wasn’t all that into sucking your toes. I mean, seriously, if you’re going to ask for that get a pedicure…at least. And I’m not thrilled with being asked ten times, every time we’re naked, if I’m impressed with “Thor the War Hammer,” especially given that Thor so rarely goes to battle. I mean, the sexual obstacle course I have to endure in the sl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    Ya know, I’m all for organic. I really am. Eating healthy is the best thing for our bodies. Like putting premium gas into your car. You pay a bit more, but you’re getting good quality….except when you’re not. Since when is Veggie Booty a food group?? I found organic Ritz crackers in the “health food” store the other day. Do you know how much sodium is in a Ritz cracker? Why does the Ritz dude need to suddenly go green? Or how about organic potato chips? I found shel.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    VELMA: (TO AUDIENCE) My name is Velma, and it all happened one rainy afternoon. I locked the bedroom door. The cupcake was on the vanity. (SHE BEGINS TO RELIVE THE MOMENT AND TALK TO THE CUPCAKE) Hello cupcake, I’m Velma. Been on a diet for the last three months Velma. Getting married in two days Velma. Two pounds until my goal weight Velma. Going to eat you like a starving Grizzly Bear, Velma. (TO AUDIENCE) My fiancée then entered the room. To say I was surprised was an understatement. (RE-LIVING STEVE’S ENTRA.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Polly. Pretty Polly. Am I pretty? Tell me. Am I still pretty? Do I turn you on? (Flashes a leg) I'm needy, not always so needy, but I'm needy now. (Pause) Little things that I accepted without question now they question and I try to answer. (Pause) In the westerns they come at the end of the film. Charge! The bugle blows and the cavalry come charging over the hill with guns blazing and the others run away or get mown down in a hail of bullets but the trick is to keep talking because I watched to see what the victims would do and they closed their mouths, begged, cried or screamed out defiance but they stopped brea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    28-38
    YEARS OLD
    What am I waiting for? Some guy to say I'm pretty and I have nice shoes and here's my number? No! I don't need anyone to tell me I'm great. I'm fine just the way I am. I have my own job, my own place and I have friends like you. So what do I need a man for? Someone who talks a good talk and says, “Oh, you're beautiful; oh, you're the best; yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1-2MIN
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Tara: I was so fucking high, Jake. Oh man. It’s really not an uncommon story. I was just high. That’s all. And I did something seriously fucked up. ...Things weren’t going my way that day as usual and I needed another hit. Really, I hadn’t enough to begin with a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you. You look lovely as well. But um, let's go ahead and cut to the chase. Why waste years putting our best feet forward only to suffer the inevitable nervous breakdown when we get to know the "real” us? I wanna know your worst. What's the worst thing about you? Fine, I’ll start... I don't brush my teeth everyday. There's days when I'm running late and I gargle coffee and pop some bubble gum to make up for it. Speakin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    WANDA: Sally! Stop eating the bread like that! It’s frightening how you eat food. Like a dog over his bowl. Anyhow, so I’m in the bathroom and this older lady bumps into me. I say: “Excuse You” with a little attitude- she’s for-sure from New York because she didn’t even notice. So then I sit there, minding my own business, reading on the stall wall how if I want a good time I can ca.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Stop screaming! My head is killing me. Sorry guys, had way too much last night. I'm not sure if you guys drink or not but when you do go to Jimmy’s for the two for one shot special, tell them Liza sent you. We had quite a celebration last night. My cousin, Marie finally divorced her scum bag husband, Mike. I told her to drop him the second he star.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: (Holding one shoe.) You know why I don’t believe you Alexander? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say you love me? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say I’m your angel? Because you never said any of those things to me before I.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For fuck’s sake, Carson, so sorry I’m late. So many Starbucks and Juan, my building super, was pissed because I threw my empty 2% milk carton in the trash. Apparently, empty 2% milk cartons are not trash; they are recyclables. Well, I say, “Good for Juan!” Thank you, Juan, for educating my dumb ass. (Checking her iPhone as she speaks) Why can’t I see this screen? (Takes off shades and speaks into iPhone) Siri, text Juan: “I’m sorry.” Siri? For fuck’s sake, Siri is almost dead. Wher.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    Yes, YES! I do. Okay? I want to surrender. I get it. I’m always moving and it’s just… I’ve never, I never… um… (Trying not to cry) It was just me. So, I had to protect me, and now I have to protect him. He’s just a baby and I’m broke. I pay the lawyer and my student loans, barely. I work and pump. I nurse and sleep, nurse and eat, and nurse and pee. (Crying) I clean our tiny apartment, grocery shop, change diapers and wonder why, if I’m this busy, haven’t I lost my baby tummy y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    JANET: So, I decided to take up yoga. Yoga!!!! Yoga! Frank, are you deaf? Is yoga such a foreign word to you that your mind rejects it? That’s your problem Frank, you’re closed minded. This is what I’m learnin.......
    Price $3.99