• MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    You think I dreamed of being a flat-footed stiff whose most exciting moment in life is the day I got a new calculator? Well, I must admit that did kinda give me a chill. It’s sexy like a Steinway with its punchy click click click. The faster the better. I'm a speed demon! I'm a super hero! I have a cape but I never wear it in public. Clark Kent would never tip his hand like that. He'd hide in a phone booth but these days they’re hard to find. You can't hide behind a cell phone, so I'll have to perfect my superhero routine. I'll leap tall buildings in a single bound! Well, .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-50
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. She was glorious: Milky white skin, French manicure, long luxurious fingers. I usually hate smokers, but I would never have known her otherwise. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils, like me. She arrives to the office early everyday and carefully drapes her sweater over her chair. It will stay pressed, but conveniently close incase the office gets too cool, but it never does. She goes to g.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    In a roundabout way Mrs. Warren, my high school teacher, helped me discover my passion for anatomy. Well, her and a lot of bad luck. Yeah, I was “that” kid. Since I was a toddler I’ve been breaking bones from sports, goofing around, not paying attention, you name it. I’ve broken, torn and pulled more bones and ligaments than I knew I had! Every time I’d get a new injury I’d Google it to see where it was located and what it was attached to. I’d strain to see the X-Rays my doctor was examining and attempt to interpret them myself. I broke my collarbone playing hockey – it was worth it, by the way, I scored big ti.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Desperate, pathetic) OH, COME on Gary, one more dive bar. Wasn’t this the point? You’re my go-to, my person, my platonic husband, for Pete’s sake. You don’t know…Well, you DO, since Tatiana dumped you, too, but at least that was for a lipstick lesbian. I’ll officially be single once we go before the judge at 8:30 am. It’s only 11. Don’t wimp out on me now, you pansy lightweight. Come ON! I’m not used to the new apartment yet or the cat. I can’t go home and face .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    You, sir, are a coward. A full fledged 100% certifiable, undeniable coward. You are a coward and a cad and I will not bestow upon you the satisfaction of rebuking your absurd accusations, nor stoop to the level of a lowly commoner such as yourself. You haven’t even the strength of character to declare your indictments to my face. You slink around in dark corners insulting my honor and integrity, as.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    She calls to me. I ignore her. She persists. I refuse. She stubbornly invades my thoughts without permission. Again I block her. Like a lioness looking for a mate, she purrs at the challenge, stalking her prey. She seeps her way into my consciousness in a wispy feathery dream. She sprinkles soft kisses on my pillow and blows a gentle breeze in my hair. She knows it’s a matter of time. Strengthening my resolve, I push her out. She’s restless. I sense her. She wants to play. I want to take her right there, show her whose boss, but I resist. I always resist. In her sprite-like way she tickles my lips sending ripples of pleasure through my body. She taunts me again, whispering sweet unmentionables in my ear. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    GROPE JACKSON: Folks, I’m selling out cheap! All my T-shirts are one dollar! Socks, three pair for a dollar! (beat) Folks, I gotta get rid of this crap stuff. Champion T’s a dollar! Nike T’s a dollar! Champion zipper hoodies a dollar! (beat) Folks, it’s a liquidation! The government caught me. In New York City I was caught. By Donald Trump and his henchmen. They brought me in a van to New Jersey. They dumped me in New Jersey. They said they’re building a wall around New Jersey. But they’re gonn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Rob, how’s it goin’, buddy? Listen, sorry to drop by this late and all. I just have something I need to say. I have really been enjoying our time together lately. I mean, for years now I’ve been going at this whole “crime fighting” thing by myself and it’s just been so taxing and lonely. Up until now it’s just been me and Alfred. But now there’s you! And you’re young and fun and colorful. I mean, look at you. With your green speedo, red tights and yellow cape. It’s awesome! Me, I’m always so dark all.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Another day on the job full of stress and I come home to this: “Roberto, clean the gutters! Roberto, fix the lamp. Roberto, let’s make love.” Dammit, woman! I've already had a long day. So, she says, “Roberto, long day, huh? And what exactly do you do all day?” No appreciation; no gratitude. What do I do all day, woman? What do y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Greetings neighbor! That's a very nice fence you've erected between our properties. You certainly didn’t skimp on the materials. Only the finest of everything. That fence was built to last. Yes, it will keep our livestock separated very nicely, indeed. And you erected it so quickly - all in the short time my wife and I were up country visiting her dear, sick sister. Normally, we wouldn't be away a whole week but family comes first. I'm sure you know about that. You've spent your whole life toiling in the fields, as have I. All to make a better li.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    50-70
    YEARS OLD
    (moving a chair) Jesus, the last damn thing I want said about me is, “They got to the Col,” or, “He chickened out. Broke down and talked.” Some private or corporal hear that and say, “If he can’t take it, how the hell am I supposed to?” I won’t talk. (pause) There’s enough broken glass in this cell to slash my wrists. There’s been enough shit littering my days and nights in Iran to tempt Jesus. (standing on the chair) Hey Buddy, you knew you were gonna walk up that Mount, gonna have a few nails pounded into ya. That’s same as takin’ your own life. You made a choice. I seem to have a few options here. Slit my wrists, swallow some glass, bash my brains out on the wall. I think I prefer the old Spani.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    (Lights on a man. He wears a baseball cap. He takes off his baseball cap and holds it out to the audience.) This is what it’s come to…underground…hat in hand…Saturday afternoons crowd rushing up and down…to catch the “A”…to catch the “E”…the “C” or “L”…on their way to some God awful Hell…banish the thought…I wish no one ill will…standing still….at the top of the stairs…hat in hand…hat always in hand… …bent slightly…ever so…a twinkle in my eye…trace of a smile…the sound of coins land in my hat…there is hope… accumula.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    Have I tried? Have I tried? I’m on an express train to nowhere and I’ve missed my connection. I’m not sure how it even happened. Twenty years ago I was the up-and -coming star. Youngest bank manager in the country. Wow! Was I hot stuff! Invincible. I was on the fast track, with nowhere to go but up…or maybe just nowhere to go. Hitting the glass ceiling before you’re thirty gives you a headache like you can’t believe. So I said screw it. Who needs security? There’s a raging artist inside me just waiting to come out… Yeah, right. Twenty years later, all that’s left is the rage. I was cocky. I’d made it in the business world in less than a decade. How har.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    Let me stop you here for a second. I want to, uh...make something clear. I don’t think you realize how difficult it is to be me...the devil. You see, I have to lie. I can’t tell the truth. I’m the devil. It comes with the territory. If you were to ask me what color the sun is, I’d have to say something ridiculous, like purple or turquoise. Yes, that’s right; here on planet earth we have a turquoise sun. Did you s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-70
    YEARS OLD
    Did I ever tell you about Jeannie? We had a...I don’t know what...but we had it. She threatened to tell Dita. Every time the phone rang...every ring...the sound...Oh God...the sound cut through me like an unclean knife. What if it was Jeannie? What if it was her? And Dita answered the phone. What then? What would happen then? When their two voices met. (Mimics Dita’s Austrian accent) “Hello?” (Mimics Jeannie - nasal Jersey girl) “Is this Dita?” (Dita)
“Yes. To whom am I speaking?” (Jeannie) “Uh...is Ken around?” (Dita) “Who is this?” (Jeannie) “Jeannie.” (Dita) “And you want Ken?” (Jeannie) “I do.” (Dita) “My Ken?” (Jeannie - seductive) “I want him.” (Dita)
“Is t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Listen you little punk, without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be a two bit hood hustling on the streets playing Three Card Monty. I cleaned you up and gave you a straight job when you needed me and I put you in a pinstriped suit and made you respectable. I got you off smack. That’s not easy. You think I just did it to be charitable? I invested in you. I coulda picked any other junky on the street, but I chose you. I saw your potential when nobody else gave a damn. I put you in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I would set an extra place at the table; two forks, because Percy hated getting pasta sauce on his vegetables, and no napkin, because Percy always wiped his dirty hands on his mustard yellow shirt. Percy loved music and dreaded rain and enjoyed microwaves and Percy didn’t die when my father died, so I kept setting the place for Percy, because nothing had changed. That’s not what they thought; not my mother, my sister, doctors, not anyone. They called it post-traumatic psychosis at one point, which, in retrospect, is fucking insane. I had an imaginary friend. I was strange. My dad died when I was in third grade. Novembe.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Homeless Man: You know, I am a man of words myself. Like to play around with them. See some music in my head and say some words. And it ain't no churnin' dreams school boy shit neither. But hey! You wrote that BS! If it came from your soul, then you have to own it! Ya dig? And if it ain't, well, you shouldn't let no low level bullshit come out your mouth when a man asks you for poetry. I wanna hear something deep. As for me - I jump into snake pits! Drink their blood. Eat that snake and s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Airports piss me off! They’re full of miserable people trying to make other people miserable. Even if you start your day in a good mood, by the time you’ve spent an hour in the airport you’re done. The employees are miserable because they spend their entire day dealing with asshole travelers. And at the end of the day, the asshole is on some beach in Mozambique sipping a Mai-Tai, while the poor sucker ticketing agent just goes home to get ready for his next miserable day of existence. Not that I feel too sorry for him. He’s the son-of-a-bitch who makes a living out of making people miserable. Who wants to deal with these guys? You get up at 5:30 in the morning to catch your flight because the only one that wasn’t booked leaves at some ungodly hour of the morning. You get there and the place is a zoo. Did all these people really get their asses out of bed as early as you? Apparently so. So you check in by machine to ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I want that woman arrested! Listen, sir…Oh, okay, listen, Mr. Rico? I have never in all my life been shot on the job. I’ve dealt with everything: hurricane weather, aggressive canines, hell, even the occasional horny housewife’s attempts at seduction. But I never had to deal with such stupidity.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I’m on the corner of ninth and fifth…twenty fifth avenue…in the Village…where I live with Donna…when I see Donna and this guy I don’t know or want to know, walking down the street…and there’s this vibe between them. You know…So they stop and Donna introduces me…I say hi…and then she goes on to say how she was sitting in Washington Square Park and so-and-so invited her to go sailing on his boat,.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    JOE: All right, you're on. If mine is better, you have to go out and get lemon meringue pies and cigarettes. Mom and Dad were having this dinner party and, Pitz, I'm so cold. …and I was sitting at the top of the stairs, you know looking through the railings and there in the hallway, this very elaborate table with desserts on it. There was this one dish that looked like white mounds that peaked into little beige points, like a pair of tits to me. Maybe that was the attraction. Anyway I knew I'd… don't cheat… I'd have to have whatever it was. So I waited until I could make my move. I hung onto the .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    (Looks into distance, gasps) Franklin. (Signals with hand) Get over here; get over here; come here right now! Franklin. What does Daddy say to do when he calls your name? Get your ass over here. Exactly. Now, I saw you hit that little girl with a stick. I SAW IT. And now I have her mother right here yelling in my face. Hold on, ma'am, I'm talking to my son - I'm ta.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Congregation, we are gathered here today to hear a word this morning. I just want to tell you there is a God somewhere. Before I bless this here congregation with a little (singing) Amazing Grace, (Beat) Sister Jenkins, I think it’s about that time. Time for my favorite part of the sermon: It’s collection time! Now congregation, the Lord knows when he’s being short changed, so don’t be throwing no change in my c.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Roger Rabbit. (beat) Just kidding. Roger Stein. Stein as in a stein of beer. (beat) Pre-K. Loved every second. Four and five is a great age to be. (beat) By the way, Mister Evans, I do a great impersonation of Barney. (beat) Thirteen year’s experience. That comes out to…what…four thousand seven hundred and forty five days. (beat) Oh, well, I’m an idiot savant like the brother in Rain Man. (beat) Rain Man. The movie with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. (beat) Duh! And what rural hick planet are you from? (beat) Tulsa, O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    James, what the hell are you thinking? You’re gonna go out there by yourself against seven guys? How many bullets are in your gun? Six, right? Six bullets, seven guys. What are you gonna d.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    KIRKLAND: Colleen needs to talk with you, Nora. If you stay we could go up to my house tomorrow. I want her to see how light and airy it is up on the hill. I’ve got to get her out of her father’s house. There’s nothing but bad dreams there and she keeps sleeping. If you stay the night... Look, (beat) tomorrow I’ll pack us a picnic lunch. Salmon and cucumber sandwiches, a bottle of Chablis, some hard-boiled eggs, we’ll roll them in salt, eat, walk the property, all 60 acres. It will do you.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-70
    YEARS OLD
    As if this day couldn’t get any worse. Flight delays in Chicago, lost luggage – and then I come home to this. (holds up paper, reads) “Hi Honey, I guess you’re home now, and you seen – (wincing) and you seen that I’m not here. I’m sorry Baby, but I had to go, and I can’t come back. We had some good times, but there - t-h-e-r-e - there over. Roger and I have fallen in love, and I just can’t help myself. Good-bye. Love, Meagan. … “The last four years of my life, g.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: I gotta be honest with you, Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there, just admitted to all her girlfriends that, she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to swim in a pool where wome.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-70
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a card in my wallet you should know about. On the card are specific instructions and a number to call. Call that number and SUNY will come for me. It’s all been pre-arranged. Just call the number and when SUNY asks what is this in reference to…say …this is most important… SHMUCK NUMBER ONE…SHMUCK NUMBER ONE is my password. I am SHMUCK NUMBER ONE. Me. Ken Schwartz. That’s my M.O. All my life it’s been. Like the time I bowled with the inventor of Sweet & Low and asked him for a job. He said, “Ken, what can you do for me?” (beat) “I don’t know,” I said. I felt like such .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, now I’m going to talk. I heard you. I have quietly considered your explanation. The problem is, I’m still stuck on one of the first things you said before your filibuster. You said (Shouting hysterically) “SURPRISE!” (Suddenly calm), which indicates that you recall our agreement and knew that this would be a magnificent shock. This is one of those moments you dream about, but such things never quite go the same as dreams. In my dreams I rarely become the (age)-year-old advertisement to teenagers for what NOT to do! PREGNANT?! Didn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    DARYL: Ah, my dearest Margaret… sweet, dearest, Margaret…When I was a child, my mother, who was a beautiful, wealthy, totally insane woman…She used to dress me up in a tiny little black suit, and take me to funerals. (Drinks.) She said I needed to learn about death while I was young. That way, it would hurt less when I got older. I soon came to realize that she wa.......
    Price $3.99