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All Products

Thanks for choosing our monologues. We’re glad you’re here! We take pride in crafting each piece to be unique, fresh and layered with depth of character. Whether you’re looking for something strong and noble or quirky and off-center, we have monologues for everyone. We’re constantly adding new stuff so come back often, tell your friends and enjoy performing your monologue!


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m going to kill him. I’m going to take my pillow and I’m literally going to smother his fucking face in the middle of the night while laughing as I down a bottle of French rose. (Beat) No, I’m not going to do that. I want to, but I’m not. Jason’s had the flu for about four days now and every moment that he breathes life’s air, I want to jump out a window. I never did understand the male brain and its connection to male hormones. I mean, we all know about the males’ brain and its relationship to the sex organs…non-existent…but what about those hormone mother fuckers? I’m sor.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-35
    YEARS OLD
    No. Do NOT wish me a Happy Birthday! I still have 10 minutes left, and I'd like to enjoy each and every one of those minutes before the good part of my life is over. You know: my youth, my semi-attractive face, my future. I'm gonna be 33-years-old and what do I have to show for it? Nothing! I write a blog for a crappy online music magazine, for no pay, that no one reads. I serve drunks while watching other people living out their dreams, and then I play in crappy dive .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    It’s been a week since Zach dumped me. I have to stop thinking about him. He could do this thing with his eyes, this little squinty thing that made me fall head over heels in love with him - argh. STOP. (big breath) I’m over him. I am over him! In fact, I’m surprised at myself for ever thinking I loved him. A boyfriend, as far as I’m concerned, should be three things: Number one, nice. If he weren’t, he would be a complete waste of time. Number two: h.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    Last night I heard my mom and dad talking about Roger. He’s been my very best friend since I was born. He is always happy to see me. He licks my face as soon as I get home from school. I used to take him outside every day, but he doesn’t want to go for walks anymore. When I get his leash and say, “Come on, boy, let’s go for a walk” he still gets excited. He wags his tail and looks at me, but th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    RUTHIE: The monkey threw his poop on me. He just pooped, picked it up, and threw it on me. And it was at that very moment that I realized who that little beast reminded me of. You, Mark. You are my poop throwing Monkey. You are selfish. You are messy. You make discusting noises. And you are always throwing your shit on me. And I h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    One last kiss and then that’s it. I can’t do this anymore, with you and the lips and the smoochie “Hello, my nether regions are saying hi,” thing. It’s toxic. YOU are toxic. I mean, sure, you’re a swell dancer and a well-read Yale graduate with the vocabulary of a Webster descendant, but so what?!!! I can’t be in this relationship with you anymore. I need more than sex and a healthy body of hair, God your hair feels good…NO!!! I mean: No, your hair is just hair and it doesn’t mean anything.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend of five weeks – I know, right – we’ve been going out forever! So, my boyfriend of five weeks asked me what I thought we’d be doing after we finished high school, and I said, “Do you think we’ll still be going out?” And he said, “Sure, why wouldn’t we be?” And I didn’t know what to say, but now I’ve given it some thought. I hope that he asks me that again, bec.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Everyone knows that ghosts aren’t real, but monsters, well, maybe they are, and maybe they aren’t. When I was a little kid I had one living under my bed. Finally, my mom got me a dog and Skippy kept him away until he moved out of our house forever. It’s a good thing, because sharing my room with a monster was really tricky. I didn’t usually think about him when I first went to bed. After brushing my teeth and getting my.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    I’m cooking pasta, like I always do on Thursdays. It’s been a tradition ever since James was little I’ve made spaghetti with garlic and he’s always loved it. I’ll ask about school; he’ll ask about work. It’s nice. The water is bubbling and I have this idea. This fleeting thought, for just a moment, that James needs me right now, and I decide to check on him. I walk down the hallway to his bedroom. From outside the door, noises. Subtle, but definitely a movement. I figure it’s a new feature on some sort of videogame or social media or something. I can’t keep up with technology. Kids these days don’t understand real interaction, human connection. They don’t read books, or magazines. Everything is co.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    We had just won the state championships and we all went to Bill’s apartment to celebrate. I was with Lucy, my girlfriend. One minute she’s there and the next minute she’s gone. It’s a crazy party with too much booze and then I remember that I left my jacket at the gym. On the bleachers. Now, school’s only two blocks away from Bill’s but I’m tired. Really tired. I just played my heart out in this game and I want to go to sleep. But you see, there’s something really special in my jacket. A ring for Lucy. It’.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    9-16
    YEARS OLD
    Well, I think that went pretty well. I mean, I don’t think I was actually brilliant, but I think I did okay. There were four more people than they need for the team. Those are pretty good odds. Aren’t they? Only four of us will not make the team… What if they don’t pick me? Maybe I did totally suck! How embarrassing to be one of only four that doesn’t get picked. Only four!! I really wish hundreds of kids had come to the try-out. It would be way le.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    You already know that the best way to kill a vampire is to drive a wooden stake into its heart. You’d have to get pretty close to the vampire, though. Probably, you’d get bitten yourself in the process… It might be worth it, though, if say, the vampire was going after somebody really cute that I wanted to impress. That would be very noble, and becoming a vampire myself would actually be pretty cool…. But usually, you want to save yourself from a vampire. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    You think I dreamed of being a flat-footed stiff whose most exciting moment in life is the day I got a new calculator? Well, I must admit that did kinda give me a chill. It’s sexy like a Steinway with its punchy click click click. The faster the better. I'm a speed demon! I'm a super hero! I have a cape but I never wear it in public. Clark Kent would never tip his hand like that. He'd hide in a phone booth but these days they’re hard to find. You can't hide behind a cell phone, so I'll have to perfect my superhero routine. I'll leap tall buildings in a single bound! Well, .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-50
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. She was glorious: Milky white skin, French manicure, long luxurious fingers. I usually hate smokers, but I would never have known her otherwise. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils, like me. She arrives to the office early everyday and carefully drapes her sweater over her chair. It will stay pressed, but conveniently close incase the office gets too cool, but it never does. She goes to g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-13
    YEARS OLD
    Acting Dad? What more can I say. It’s a word that means a lot. Especially to me! When you’re acting, either on the stage a la a thrust, proscenium, in the round, or raked surface, or in front of that cool big shiny reflective recording device called the camera, preparation is mucho effective! See how I did that Dad? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Time’s up. Pens down. Stop the test. There’s no point in finishing. This is IMPORTANT with a capital “I”. I know you studied and now I’m robbing you of achieving your academic dreams. I’m sorry. No. I’m tired of being sorry. I’m not God, you guys. I’m a human female being and there are things… I’m not feeling well. Need to sit. I’ve been hit on the head by falling icicles and it could be bad. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I’m your teacher. B.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever told you age is just a number, lied. I've tried to date men my age. I find their lack of accomplishments and lack of stability very unattractive. Not to mention, their lack of commitment is appalling. These recession post grads are struggling to maintain careers while paying off college debt. They've had enough one-night stands to lose all notions of chivalry. They be.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-60
    YEARS OLD
    I was staring into my coffee-cup. The steam hypnotizes me and I begin ruminating over us – disagreements, missed opportunities, sex that's always missing something, you pulling away first when we hug - or screw, for that matter. Feeling unheard, misunderstood, missing each other in the air so often that we eat and breathe quiet frustration and contempt. I realized I’ve been here repeatedly, trying to construct a new path for us, a way to start over, get that spark back or make it work. But we can’t make more tha.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    ALEXANDER: You are an wicked woman, Wilma. I see it in your eyes. You try to cover the evil with that blue stuff and those erotic long eyelashes, but I know the truth. I see the truth in you. I’m a living polygraph! You hear that Wilma? A poloygraph! A truth finder. So you go ahead. Take that gun and kill me and put me out of my misery. I’d rather be dead than have to listen to you act so innocent while you bitch about my socks on the floor, my dirty dishes in the sink, my snoring, my teeth grinding, my forgetfulness, my remote control issues, my inability to close a fucking cabinet door, my--(Realizing. Drops to f.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I did it one time and now I’ll be labeled as “Germy Gemma” for the rest of my professional life. I mean, for God’s sake, I always wash my hands after I use a restroom, ALWAYS…but the other day I was just so crazed over what was happening with the Morton files that the common act of cleanliness got away from me. And if Boss Megan hadn’t been standing on that line and asking me how the case was going, I would have surely scrubbed and rubbed. That woman makes me nervous. Usually she just glances at me while she’s cleaning her glasses, which means she’s technically not able to actually see me all that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    40-70
    YEARS OLD
    ANITA: I brought roses for you. I hope you like them. (Places roses on ground.) If you don’t, then you are stupid, because everyone likes roses. It’s very difficult, you know. Explaining to everyone how you passed away. Why couldn’t you have died like a normal person? Doing something normal. I’d love to say: “My husband died in his sleep.” Or, “My husband died in a car accident........
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Smack is slouched in a chair, dead. Pause. Smack opens his eyes and looks out front.) Anyone got a smoke? I'm dying for a...How come, tell me this, how come I still crave for a smoke when I'm dead? (Pause) Oh, by the way, my name’s Smack. Not my real name, and nothing to do with drugs, OK? (Pause) I can't move my body. Can hardly move my eyes. It's a funny old thing life. One minute you're here laughing and crying and having a breathing old time and the next, Smack! Lights out. (Pause) God, I need a smoke! Is this it then? Sitting here forever without being able to move and still craving a smoke or a...God forbid...a quick leg over. Have I got a stiffy? Can't feel it. Then again I couldn't, could I? (Pause).......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    In a roundabout way Mrs. Warren, my high school teacher, helped me discover my passion for anatomy. Well, her and a lot of bad luck. Yeah, I was “that” kid. Since I was a toddler I’ve been breaking bones from sports, goofing around, not paying attention, you name it. I’ve broken, torn and pulled more bones and ligaments than I knew I had! Every time I’d get a new injury I’d Google it to see where it was located and what it was attached to. I’d strain to see the X-Rays my doctor was examining and attempt to interpret them myself. I broke my collarbone playing hockey – it was worth it, by the way, I scored big ti.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    This girl stalks my whole life. I’m not trying to quote Pauly D from The Jersey Shore when I say that, because literally, this psycho bitch stalks my entire freakin’ life! I need help. SHE needs help but until she’s in the care of the proper authorities, I’m just going to have to be the sane one here and find a way to get her out of my realm. I’m not being erratic here, I swear! I’m pretty sure she’s a cooked rabbit, a screwed boyfriend, one haircut and a few dead partridges in a pear tree away from pulling an Annie Wilkes on me and hobbling me in my own bed. This chick is scary. At first I just thought she was just a little overly-energetic. And that.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Don’t assume I’m angry just because I’m a black woman. We’re not that angry. We’re just misunderstood. We do have our reasons to be angry. Hello, have you seen this hair? Like, God, what is this punishment? Was slavery not enough? Do you know how much money a black woman spends on a weave? Honey a lot! White women get to (swings hair) all day long (Beat) for free and they think we don’t know they’re doing it out of spite, Oh, we know. It’s okay because everyone knows once you go black you don’t go b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For the love of God, will you please get off the floor? Look, this is our first date. I’m not sure if I’m ready to marry you. No, I’m not upset. No, I’m not surprised. You’re not the first man to propose to me on the first date. I use Herbal Essence Shampoo. I’m just kidding. I sounded like a commercial, didn’t I? I’m studying to be a commercial actress. But seriously, ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Any moment with you. Before you asked me, "If I had to relive one moment over and over again for eternity, what would it be?" I'd pick any moment with you. Any one. I don't care if I'm crying or you're breaking my heart… I could live in a moment for a th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    TRINA: You see, often people run up to me with huge smiles and say, “Hey Susie, I haven’t seen you in forever! What’s up?” Or “Susie? Susie Johnson is that you?” I usually say, “Oh yeah, it’s me.” And then I tell them what’s up. I tell them I have a new number. We exchange numbers.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Do I look like someone you could talk to? Do I give off a “best friend” aura or some other welcoming energy that reads, “Please tell me all your problems, each one of your wildest dreams, beginning with childhood...”? Do you get that from me? Do you feel safe letting me into your life? To your story from beginning to end? What, specifically about me, who for the record, is a.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    Are we there yet? (groans) I know that makes me sound like a five-year-old, but I can't help it. I'm so tired of sitting on this bus. Overnighters are the worst. I should have just paid the extra night in the hostel. I can't feel my left arm. That huge woman who got off at the last stop was sitting beside me. She fell asleep against my arm and pinned me to the back of my seat. I tired to move out of her way but she wouldn't bu.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I went over the hill once. A.W.O.L. for a week. The Shore Patrol found me sprawled out in a Topless Bar downtown. I was blind on gin and attacked one of the dancers. Some S.O.B., if I ever catch him I’ll kill him, sneaked up behind me and cracked a beer bottle over my head. It took thirty-three stitches to close up my scalp. I got thirty days in the Brig, which counts as bad time against me, added to my hitch. I gotta get out of here. At least if I had a decent job. This is sissy’s work I’m doing. I’m like some damn maid. If I was working up front in the E.R., .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    11-16
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t get art. We went on a field trip to this museum and the teacher showed us a picture of some guy with a face made of a shovel. I dunno, I guess someone thought it was cool cuz the curator guy said it’s worth a bunch of thousands of dollars, but I have no idea why. Imagine if he’d used a pitchfork or maybe a rake! What would that be worth? Hey, maybe the guy should make a whole series of ‘em. He could make a killing! Whoa! I should do it! I don’t know if I can paint, but how hard can it be.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t believe that Tyler is being so good about this. I have the most understanding, amazing boyfriend. I’m so relieved that he is willing to forgive me…. Actually, though, why did I need to be forgiven? How could I have known what Matt was going to do when he pinned me against the lockers? And why was it my fault that he pinned me in the first place? I wasn’t flirting with him. I didn’t invite him to hold my hands above my head and touch me. How is it that any time a guy does something to a girl, it’s always the girl’s fault? And then Matt’s fr.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Parker, come here. This is so embarrassing. Don’t pee there! (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) He doesn’t usually do this. I’m not a bad parent and I usually have complete control! I never ignore him to check my email or Facebook page. I cook all his meals! Yes, he still sleeps in my bed, but we are working on it. Right, Parker? Parker! Please don’t make me chase you again. You know I am still recovering from that soul cycle class. (Turns as if speaking to a woman in the park) That .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    Returning home made me feel like I would never live a normal life again. I was 29-years old…back in this dead end town…living with my mother who drove me crazy…and I felt like I was going no place fast. I just couldn’t escape the place…so…Somebody called it in. It’s weird, you know, I was the only one home so that never m.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Don't mind me waiting to audition; I saw the notice for this casting and thought to myself, (beat) “Self, you would be perfect for this role.” So I packed my life in this bag and headed straight for New York City. My mama tried to discourage me from following my dreams. She said, “Debra, don't you need to be talented for a place like New York City?” So, I said, "Don't tell me how to live. Just sit and putter life's candy and the sun's a ball of butter. Don't bring around a cloud to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    They took Snickers. Don’t you dare try to tell me they don’t have him, Rick! Cats like Snickers don’t just walk outside to pick up the newspaper, have a quick smoke and then BOOM-SHAK-A-LA-KA disappear! It’s that group I told you about, Rick…don’t laugh at me!!! When they first started moving into the neighborhood, we all thought they were just a little “different” with their gluten free diets, th.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Johnny, stop hitting my boyfriend’s head with the “Star Wars” light saber and listen to me. I have something to tell you, Young Skywalker. (Turns to her boyfriend) You okay, Frank? Good. Go to the bathroom and wipe the blood off your nose. And give Johnny and me a moment. And, please put your pants back on. (Holds up photo) I didn’t want to do this Johnny...but your treatment of Frank, the love of my life, leaves me no choice. See this photo, Johnny? This beautiful photo of you, your mom, your dad, and your little whi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday was the worst day ever. You know how broke I am, right? Well I got this brainwave to sell off my old books and CDs to make some extra money. I’ve heard other people talk about doing it on eBay. So I drag out all my books, which I really shouldn’t be carrying, put them in a paper bag and go to work. Then after work I haul them all the way down to Strand Book Store only it rains on the way. Who knew we’d have a flash flood on the one day I want to sell my books? So I’m juggling these books with the busted bag and I finally get to Strand and the guy is a real jerk. Says they don’t buy books after four. I just lost it. I started screaming at him. I don’t know why. He just got to me. He was real.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Trying on a ring.) It’s absolutely stunning! You say it’s one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass-produced. So, how many karats? Lovely. I’ll probably pay cash for it but I want George to see it first. Too bad he’s in a big meeting. Tonight’s our anniversary. (Begins to remove the ring. It’s stuck.) Oh, dear. My hands always swell in the summer. (Licks her knuckle). Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? …$52,000! (Trying to remove ring.).......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Hit me one more time and you’re a dead man. I mean it, Al. I will take this stick and I will bash your brains in. I’ve had it. I cannot take one more minute. Oh, you stand there all high and mighty like you’re someone, but we both know you’re a poor excuse for a human being. What kind of sick bastard have you become? Does it make you feel powerful to swat me so hard I go flying across the room? I’ve had a bruised kidney, broken ribs, countless concussions. Remember the last time? You knocke.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    You know how sometimes you just don’t want to do as you’re told? Why should you? Why should anyone get to tell someone else what to do just because they are older? Sometimes I just want to do what I want to do. I don’t want to listen to adults. Do your homework........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-17
    YEARS OLD
    I just really can’t believe it. Steph and Zach. My best friend and my boyfriend are going out. Oh gosh, I thought I loved him. How stupid was I? And Steph – I remember that she was there, being happy for me, when Zach and I first kissed. I’m not actually angry, just extremely sad, and feeling betrayed. I feel like killing myself, really. That woul.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Stacy texted Jody that you were BFFs with Karen now. Is that true? I thought you were my BFF. Remember we went behind the school and texted each other and did that thing with our pinky’s and spit on our phones and everything? Didn’t that mean anything to you? Cuz it was totally everything to me. My phone got all fogged up and stuff and my mom said it was from the moisture of the spit but I said it was worth it not to be able to read my texts anymore cuz I had my BFF Loren now, but my mom swapped out my phone cuz she said.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been…a while. By the way, love this, “Possible Sins Committed,” pamphlet. I do have questions. It says, “Abused Drugs.” Does that include Advil, Midol, Tylenol? Period cramps are a bitch! 2 pills are never enough. I usually have to pop at least 4 from my secret stash in my locker. Wait, you’re not going to alert the administration? This is confidential. You’d be going against God by ratting me out. Okay, moving on. “Made bad decisions with boys.” Is that just sex and handsy stuff or could it be,.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-18
    YEARS OLD
    Food doesn’t make me happy. But that doesn’t mean I can’t stop eating. My Dad says I should exercise more. What he’s really saying is why don’t I look like his twenty-five year old Russian model girlfriend? You know my Mom’s an alkie. Sorry, alcoholic. But I don’t think vodka makes my Mom happy. But vodka’s not food is it? Do I think I’m fat? Well, I think if I lived in Omaha, Nebraska, I would be just fine. Healthy is what they would call me. A big booming girl. But here, on the Upper East Side of ManhattanÖDid you know I f.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Dad? Can I have a grenade for my birthday? …Why not? …"Because I said so," is not a real answer. I think it's a parent copout. It's like you say that when you don't know what to say or something. So how about it? You can blow up a lot of stuff with one grenade. It's not like I'm being greedy and asking for a six-pack or anything. Just one'll be fine… No? Then what.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    If you said they died on the way over, I believe you. A little anxious, yes. It’s been a while. For you, too? That’s what my sister said. So, Maurice…right, Maury then, if that’s what you prefer to be called. Sure, I drink. Two margaritas and I’m in la-la land. You know a nice Mexican restaurant? All right. Let’s vamoose. What’s the matter, Maury? You forgot your wallet? It’s okay. These things happen. No. I have money. You’ll pay me back when we get to your apartment? I’m not certain if I’m going that far. It’s not a rejection. I find you very attractive. Sure, I kis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, Dr. Listenberg. Okay, so when I wake up, I realize that my "super" pad isn't really in a superlative mood because I've bled through my sheets. Good morning! Oh come on, we're in the ER. There's worse things than this. Like that guy! He definitely needs immediate attention because that shouldn't be hanging from there. Right?! Are you gonna go look at him? You can come back to me after. I don't think I'm doing as ba.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I swear it's not you...It's me. I really didn't mind all of your weird little quirks...It was cute, almost. So really, it's not you, it's me. I am completely the reason why I am packing my bags. (Beat) It has nothing to do with your toenail clippings! I would never be that shallow, David. Come on. Break up over toenails? There were so many other things that were way more disgusting and worth breaking up over. Like your weird appeti.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My mother taught me how to be a woman. Well, I had several mothers. They would dress me up like their little doll. I’d prance around in shoes too big while draped in silks. I felt so beautiful. It’s from them I learned about love, learned how to love. (Beat) My first love paid me. You see, we had t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Ahhhh! Oh My God did you get it? Please tell me you got it…OH MY GOD…I think I’m having a heart attack. If you didn’t get it, tell me because I am not coming down from this chair until you tell me that that God forsaken creature of the unknown dark crevices of the earth has been squished, squatted, plummeted, or dismembered in some way for good!!!! (Beat) I’m sorry, that was really crazy of me, I just…I just really hate bugs. No, like I really hate them. When I was a little girl, I saw a guy get his leg eaten off by a herd of fire ants. It was my uncle, actually and I suppose it was his own fault for stomping over it with his motorcycle and then proceeding to stick his foot down there as he shouted, “I AM JEFF, KING O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    You a dog with your bow wow face. What you doing on my block, dog? This street is for pretty people. You ain’t pretty. You ain’t nothin’. What you going to do about it? You so scared you can’t even speak. You a skinny little thing. You look like a string bean. And I hate string beans. I hate all kinds of vegetables. You a vegetable. Do you know that’s what you are? You gay, too, I bet. You gay, aren’t you? You so gay you turn green like a string bean. Gay string bean. That yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Um, Mrs. Thompson, I have a very important question to ask you about your daughter’s birthday present. Umm, it's very important. Did I say that already? See, here's the thing...can I buy her a bunny? I know you already have a hamster and a couple of cats and whatever that other thing in the cage is, but Skyler really needs a bunny. So can I? Please? Can I buy her a bunny? I know she'd really love it an.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-38
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t work today. Well, not exactly sick. I’m tired, really tired. Look, Rory’s suddenly having nightmares for the first time. So, we’ve been up 3 out of the last 4 nights. He’s peed the bed twice, including mine. He’s had 3 colds and an ear infection since October 2 of which he generously shared. What? YES! He eats fruit and vegetables. Yes, he’s had a flu shot. I’m a single mother, not an idiot who neglects her.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-14
    YEARS OLD
    Woah! That was the coolest thing ever! When you get two of those chocolate covered ones with sprinkles, it clears everything!! Wow! That was so awesome. I beat the level and everything. Mom, you just don't understand. I've been working on this level for weeks. I'm so sick of clearing the jelly and now I finally did it! Now I know why they call it “Candy Crush.” A absolutely crushed it! What a rush! No, I am not obsessed with sugar. I do not nee.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    24-40
    YEARS OLD
    I want to talk about what happened yesterday. When I tried to take Joey to the supermarket. It nearly killed me. It nearly killed Joey. You all know autistic kids are hell. That’s why you’re here. He was banging his head so hard against the floor that I thought he would have a concussion See, Joey really wanted a box of Trix cereal. But the A&P didn’t have any more Trix cereal left. So, I gave him Cheerios instead and he totally lost it. Threw himself onto the floor. He was kicking so hard I thought the floor tiles would break. The store manager tried to help but Joey bit him. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    (Desperate, pathetic) OH, COME on Gary, one more dive bar. Wasn’t this the point? You’re my go-to, my person, my platonic husband, for Pete’s sake. You don’t know…Well, you DO, since Tatiana dumped you, too, but at least that was for a lipstick lesbian. I’ll officially be single once we go before the judge at 8:30 am. It’s only 11. Don’t wimp out on me now, you pansy lightweight. Come ON! I’m not used to the new apartment yet or the cat. I can’t go home and face .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-60
    YEARS OLD
    I think my cell mate wants to sleep with me. Actually, I'm positive she definitely wants to have sweaty shower sex. I don't know much about Velma, my cell mate, but from what I heard, she is NOT the one you say no to. I think she's in here for murdering her kids or husband, somebody but it's rude to ask. I learned that after I got shanked by the Co.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    CLARA: I know what you're thinking: "What is she doing here?" I'll tell you what she's doing here...I'm changing my life. I haven't had a job in ten years. The little money my husband left me is almost out. So, I've come to a decision. I'm changing my life. You don't think I can do it, do you? You doubt me. These loins have brought forth life, yet you doubt my ability to change my own. It all came to me while I was riding the subway. My stomach was growling, so I decided to have a mint to calm my tummy, so I wouldn't disturb the sleeping homeless guy sit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    My introduction into the teaching profession was rough at best. I was twenty-one years old and fresh out of college when I landed a position teaching elementary music in a northern mining town. I was terrified, but I told myself, “Just get through the first day. You’ll be fine.” Kids had always liked me, and I really had no idea what to expect. Well, the first day turned out to be bedlam in the office and when I went to the school secretary to get my class lists, she was buried under a barrage of parents. She threw a list in my direction and pointed me toward a photocopier. I’ve never been very good with machines and this one was no exception. I hit the “on” switch and impatiently waited for it to warm up. Worried that my class would arrive before me, I quickly made an almost illegible copy and gave the original back to the secretary. My first class was grade six. They were intimidating, to say the least. One kid stood in a corner spinning in circles while another named Brian Good who I later dubbed “Bri.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    I’m such an idiot. I really thought he loved me. All that, “Oh baby, you’re so beautiful, you’re so great” crap. Lies. Everything. Every present, every text, every phone call. I can’t believe I fell for it. That lying, cheating scum. I was actually thinking of going all the way with him. Thank God I didn’t. Which is probably why he dumped me. And for Kelly Leffords of all people. Really? He couldn’t have better taste.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I’m looking for money for Chick-fil-A. Where can I find some? I know I have my allowance, but this is food. Isn’t it the parents’ responsibility to provide food and shelter for their kids? You’re the ones who brought us into the world in the first place. You should have realized we’d want to go to Chick-fil-A. Don’t they teach you that in parent school? It’s the first thing I’d put on the curriculum. Well, right after time to play wii. I know you’re cooking tonight but I have basketball practice. Besides, everyone on the tea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him like a fat kid loves cake. Sounds like something a clichéd comic might say? Well baby, clichés are for people who aren’t visionaries. I love him like a fat kid loves cake and I freaking love cake like I love my boyfriend. I don’t know what it is, but food and passion just can’t seem to separate from each other. Whenever I see onion rings, grease dripping onto the plate and all, I just think two things: A) When is he going to put one on my actual finger and B) Can we get seconds delivered to our table because I am HUNGRY!! Or how about melting chocolate? OH MY GOOOOODDDDD!!!! Can we talk about this for a secon.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hey, I'm smoking here. You ever notice how many people smoke around here? Count the people without a cigarette. You'll have better luck, buddy. This is New York, buddy. We don't apologize for our vices around here. You want your baby to avoid second hand smoke? I suggest you teach that baby how to hold i.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I tell you Nora, if I don’t kill Flibbertigibbet-Dana she’ll kill me. Look at her out there, slinging clothes over the line. They’ll never dry. You watch, she’ll be up here looking for a glass of wine – pour me a glass, will ya? She drives me crazy. Why Howie married her I’ll never know. He was in love with you – still is. Why didn’t you marry him? Then you could be my sane sister-in-law. She’s of no use to me. And those heels. It could be the dead of winter and out of the house she comes in her heels. Christ, I was wrapping Dad's arm at the hospital this morning. His arm is useless. The lymph edema. There I am wrapping his a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-35
    YEARS OLD
    REBECCA: My boyfriend is addicted to sex. Unfortunately it’s not with me. It’s with his mother’s best friend. It’s with the stripper he met at the corner deli. It’s with this girl that works with him at the hair salon. Yes, he works at a hair salon. No, he’s not gay. My girlfriend Katie says he sleeps with women to prove he’s not gay.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    University applications sure want to know a lot about you, Mom. I didn't know where you got your Ph.D. so I Googled it. How come they’re so interested in you? I'm the one applying to their school. I mean, you went to college like a hundred years ago. I don't see how that’s relevant today. Do you think I can just give them a link to your website and skip over all these historical questions? They expect me to have this ridiculous G.P.A. but they’re cutting into my study time. Is that really fair? I think I’ll write a letter to the Provost and complain. Is he the head gu.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Raise your hand if you can hear me, raise your hand if you can hear me, raise your hand-- GUYS, JUST SHUT UP. Because I want to tell you something right now from the bottom of my heart. I have taught theater in community colleges for three years now. And is this class right here the best class I’ve ever taught? No, not even close. Are you the worst? Pretty much, yes. Do I believe in you? Not yet. So, if you forget your lines tonight or you .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    We also don’t really wait for big victories to drink. There’s pretty much always a good reason to open a bottle. I mean, because this shit is really hard. It’s hard every day, never knowing if you’re good enough. Never feeling good enough! Watching people who are not as good as you, but are better looking, younger and thinner than you ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    So you want to know what happened? Ok, I’ll tell you. Tonight was the homecoming dance. I went, I danced. Happy? (Beat) Oh you want to know about the murder? Ok fine. I came home to find out my boyfriend was brutally murdered. It’s a funny thing you know? Death. My boyfriend was a good guy. He was captain of the football team, straight A student, debate team. You name it, he did it. Maybe a little too much. You’re not really buying this are you? All right then, tonight I came back from the dance to find my boyfriend with three drunken cheerleaders, one who might have possibly been a bleacher bound stoner succubus, and Let’s just say I wasn’t happ.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, this hotel is super amazing! Do you think they have a bathroom here? I need to go to the bathroom. Actually, I need to go pretty bad. See? I'm doing the dance. I can't help it! Do you think anyone's looking? Can I hide behind you? Do you think they'll know why I'm dancing? Or will the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    (African American – Cockney equivalent) ESI: Born, April 19, 1993 n DC 6 lbs. Mother went to jail for drug addiction. 1995. 1996, mother got out of jail. 1999, 7. Me and my sister got raped by my uncle. I am 10 years old and trying to make things work. 11, I move with my father. It’s not working out. 12, I move with my granma: she give me a turtle. All is well, all is well. I growed up. Got a bad charge, go to detention. 16. I’m in Hillside while my mother is dyin’a’AIDS. I am doin’ well. I don’t know how to be sad, but I can be mad. Sittin’ here in confinemint cuz .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So will you do it? It’s not like I’m asking you to rob a bank or anything. Just tell your mom I’m going with you to the movie. It’s not totally a lie. I’ll probably see you there. I mean, if I can take my eyes off Jason. Can you believe the hottest guy in our class asked me out?! OMG, what am I going to wear? Do you think I’d look cuter in a dress or jeans? You know, the ones I have with the sequence on the pocket? Definitely jeans, right? I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard on our first date. Can I borrow your blue top? I think it would .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    You, sir, are a coward. A full fledged 100% certifiable, undeniable coward. You are a coward and a cad and I will not bestow upon you the satisfaction of rebuking your absurd accusations, nor stoop to the level of a lowly commoner such as yourself. You haven’t even the strength of character to declare your indictments to my face. You slink around in dark corners insulting my honor and integrity, as.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    What's the city gonna do? Lock me up for hangin’ out with these people? These are my friends. I tell ya, I was born during the day but it wasn't yesterday. It takes me back. Thirty years. Thirty years! This is really messed up. I'm tryin’. I'm tryin’ real hard. But y'all.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    FLORA: I can’t imagine a life without coffee. If I had to choose between my husband and my coffee, I would select my coffee. If I had to choose between my children and my coffee, I would select my coffee. Just kidding, I don’t have children. God, what kind of mother would I be? “Here’s my child, now give me a latte!” (La.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So I’m standing on line at Filene’s Basement, which by the way, is not in a basement. I had to take a ginormous escalator to get up to customer service. So why do they call it a basement? Geography was never my long suit, but doesn’t a basement by its very definition require the escalator to go down? Anyway, I’m standing there waiting to return six of the party dresses I’m not wearing to my cousin’s wedding cuz they’re just too hideous for words – what was I thinking?! - when this oddball guy gets in line behind me. I noticed him right.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My name is Abby and I’m a writer and I have a really big secret and an even BIGGER problem. You see whenever I write something, it always seems to come to life. I can’t control it no matter what I do. My stories seem to jump from the pages and become reality. For example, last month I wrote a story about cheerleaders who become monkeys and sure enough it came true. Even though I admit it was pretty funny at the time since I don.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    She calls to me. I ignore her. She persists. I refuse. She stubbornly invades my thoughts without permission. Again I block her. Like a lioness looking for a mate, she purrs at the challenge, stalking her prey. She seeps her way into my consciousness in a wispy feathery dream. She sprinkles soft kisses on my pillow and blows a gentle breeze in my hair. She knows it’s a matter of time. Strengthening my resolve, I push her out. She’s restless. I sense her. She wants to play. I want to take her right there, show her whose boss, but I resist. I always resist. In her sprite-like way she tickles my lips sending ripples of pleasure through my body. She taunts me again, whispering sweet unmentionables in my ear. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    WYNONA: Hi. How are you? Before we get in the car and start this little adventure called my driver’s test…A few things about myself: I have a rare genetic disease where I have too many male genes and that causes me to be colorblind. Sometimes I don’t see yellow or red. But I have memorized the order of the lights. I know which color is on top, middle, and bottom. I’m also a little psychic, and sometimes I see dead people. Seriously........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    16-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know it’s illegal in the state of Alabama to charge money where dancing bears are wearing a dress? Which begs the question: Who comes up with this stuff??! And the bigger question: Why? Did someone once offend a female dancing bear? Maybe they didn’t tip her enough and her husband got PO’ed. Or perhaps they over tipped her and he got really ticked. Or maybe she was just coyote ugly and the whole place started to riot. Maybe her parents.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-10
    YEARS OLD
    I can read, eat and dance at the same time. Do I get extra allowance for that? You gave extra to Jason just for getting his homework done by 9:00. And he didn’t even get all the answers right. He’s not very good at math. Maybe you should get him a tutor or something. And he only did one thing. I’m doing three. I know it’s not homework or anything, but it could be. I could be reading my story from Mrs. Mills’ class if I wanted to. It’s ju.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    You got a homeless guy on your block? I got a homeless guy in my house. And he's got keys! It's my brother! That mofo's the laziest ass guy you ever wanna meet. Let me tell ya, he gives new meaning to the word lazy. He brings the definition to an all time low! He pays my nephew to change the channel on the big ass.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Dear Mom & Dad, I’m not in Jersey City anymore. I’ve been sitting in front of the computer trying to think of colorful things to write about this colorful city I am living in now and all the colorful people I am living with so bare with me a while as I try to put together something articulate for Dad and you to chew on. The last thing I want you to do is worry about me. In order for that to be the case I have to be careful what I say and how I say it which means the risk of me not saying much at all is a distinct possibility as you both know. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    Dear, Mr. President. This year for my birthday, all I want is for Mom and Dad to have a happy and healthy baby. I know you have more important things on your list of…well, things…but Mom’s been so unhappy lately. Dad told me it’s because she feels like a float in the Thanksgiving Day Parade…But, if that were true, then wouldn’t she know how to fly and have strings coming out of her a--, sorry, I’m not allowed to use bad language. She eats A LOT! Yesterday she made an entire box of pancakes, gave my Dad and me, seve.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    KATIE: (Eating popcorn.) So I said: “Sir, your penis is touching my leg.” And he said: “I’m not a Sir. I’m a doctor. A dentist to be exact.” Can you believe it? No apology. No humiliation. Just a title correction. No, I couldn’t report him. Seriously. I have gone through six dentists in the last two years. Dr. Snider i.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    I went over there and my intention was strong and crystal clear, just like you told me: To let him know that I feel very devalued by him and to explain how, so that he could understand what to do with that information. I felt prepared; I was no longer angry, so that I could speak calmly, but I reminded myself of the importance of my feelings, so that I could speak with authority on behalf of myself. I was NOT going to have sex with him until my point was made, and ONLY if my point was made and heard and understood. He op.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend must’ve been doing some wild drugs. They’re just a bunch of shiny rocks stuck in some gaudy ring or necklace. It’s not like you can actually do anything with them. They won’t create world peace or feed a bunch of starving kids in developing countries. Well, maybe they could feed someone if you pawned them, but then they’d be gone and you wouldn’t have them anymore, would you? Did you ever see those rich ladies with the leather tans that wear lots of them? I don’t really understand why, but they seem to like them a lo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    38-59
    YEARS OLD
    Honestly, I don’t know what I believe anymore, Ray. First you say you worked late, then you left on time, but stopped by the club to say hi to Tommy. Which is it, huh? And if I call up Tommy to verify your story will he get all the details right? Did you prep him beforehand or are you pulling this stuff out o’ your ass as you go? You think I’m a moron? I see, Ray. I have eyes. You’ve been screwin’ that slutty lookin’ secretary, haven’t you? Don’t bother to deny it. You’ll only dig yourself a deeper hole. Did you know you’.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-13
    YEARS OLD
    Why do I have to do the dishes? It’s not even my night. Isn’t Billy on trash? Well, dishes can be trash, can’t they? If they’re paper. Why don’t we use paper dishes? Is that bad for the environment? It works for McDonalds. They wouldn’t do anything bad for the environment, would they? If we had paper dishes, then Billy could take them all out with the trash and I could do fun stuff. You know, like singing Taylor Swift songs or listening to Taylor Swift or watching Taylor Swift’s concert on You Tube!!.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    9-15
    YEARS OLD
    So, here’s the thing. I don’t actually know how I feel about my parents getting a divorce. Do I wish that my mom and dad still lived together? Well, yeah, I guess so. Isn’t that what every kid is supposed to want? It’s a pain packing up my stuff and going over to my da.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi Sheila! Good morning. Fun holiday party Saturday night, huh? (Beat) OK, let’s get this over with. I was very drunk and some things were said that I can’t quite take back. Jesus, where do I start? OK, well first off, I do not think you got a botched boob job. They are very tight and completely symmetrical to one another…a very well done breast job, actually. Um, oh the thing about you and Bill in accounting. Shit, well that part was kind of true, but my telling everyone about the stained check incident, well, that was just vicious and.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    PAUL: She said I was a flake. I asked: “What does that mean?” She said it meant that I cancelled our date three times. I said: “But, I’m here now.” That’s when she punched me in the nose. Then she said: “I’m sorry.” I said: “Apology not accepted.” Then she informed me that, her punching me in the nose, was the same as me punching her emotionally, by canceling our date three times. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me, sir. Sir! Yo! Excuse me. Yeah. You, sir. Are you okay? Do you understand what I am saying? Speaky English? Good. Can you stand on your own two feet? Or do you need my help? Do you need me to help you, sir? I will help you stand if you need me to. No. You can’t lie there, sir. Are you dizzy? Do you see two of me or one of me? How many me’s do you see of me? No. You’re going to have to move. A bank isn’t a hotel. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    GROPE JACKSON: Folks, I’m selling out cheap! All my T-shirts are one dollar! Socks, three pair for a dollar! (beat) Folks, I gotta get rid of this crap stuff. Champion T’s a dollar! Nike T’s a dollar! Champion zipper hoodies a dollar! (beat) Folks, it’s a liquidation! The government caught me. In New York City I was caught. By Donald Trump and his henchmen. They brought me in a van to New Jersey. They dumped me in New Jersey. They said they’re building a wall around New Jersey. But they’re gonn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    6-11
    YEARS OLD
    Draw my family. You want me to draw my family? Why? Shouldn’t we just draw anything we want to draw? Maybe I feel like drawing a flower today, or a spaceship, or maybe I want to draw the whole universe. You always want all the pictures up on the wall of the classroom to l.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Dad, I am a granny. I am the most fearful person in the world. I always drive 4 or 5 miles under the speed limit, look 7 ways before entering an intersection and do 17 shoulder checks before changing lanes. Why would you even think you have to lecture me about responsibility? They broke the mold for Type A when they made me. Well, technically, you and Mom made me but that's creepy to think about. Will yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    16-23
    YEARS OLD
    August 24th. The day I got my driver’s permit. I was 15 and ready to show everyone how cool I was, even with my Mom riding shotgun. I walked out of the DMV staring down at the piece of plastic in my hands. “Can we go back and retake my picture?” “That depends, do you want to drive now or later?” Mom replies. I make a beeline for the driver’s side and my Mom does just about the coolest thing ever. She tosses me the keys over the car. I completely fumble, but make a quick recovery. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. The engine roars to life and I hit the gas. 24.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend and your boyfriend are not the same at all! Just because he cheated on me with Jenny doesn't make him a jerk. Well, he is a jerk for doing it but he's really, really sorry and it was her who tricked him into it and he's a dumb guy so it wasn't really his fault. Not like your guy. He has cheated on you like, 3 times already. He did so! With Jenny first. I KNOW! Can you believe that Jenny? She's got some nerve! I mean, why doesn't she.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Hey Rob, how’s it goin’, buddy? Listen, sorry to drop by this late and all. I just have something I need to say. I have really been enjoying our time together lately. I mean, for years now I’ve been going at this whole “crime fighting” thing by myself and it’s just been so taxing and lonely. Up until now it’s just been me and Alfred. But now there’s you! And you’re young and fun and colorful. I mean, look at you. With your green speedo, red tights and yellow cape. It’s awesome! Me, I’m always so dark all.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He broke up with me via Instagram! Well, we were never Facebook official. I’m not even sure we were Facebook friends but I found out when he posted a pic of his girlfriend, now fiancée, that bitch! How dare she! He and I had something special! We were sleeping together for six whole weeks, Six Weeks! Although he claimed to be the anti-commitment type of guy, he had no problem putting a ring on her freaking finger! What am I missing? I'm a catch. I'm sexy, intelligent. I have a j.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    TAMMY:I am an embarrassment to my entire family. You see, I was born and raised on a giant chicken farm, right outside of Geneva, Alabama. And for me to be allergic to chicken eggs, it is just unacceptable to my family. I mean, I’m sure you can understand. It’s like being allergic to meatballs and you’re Italian. Or allergic to spring rolls an.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Eight thousand four hundred. NO!!! Eight thousand and eighty. (beat) EIGHTY!!! You said four hundred. I’m saying eighty because eighty is what...You don’t have four…You have eighty. Eighty is yours. I know you wanted eight thousand four hundred but you don’t have eight thousand four hundred. Eight thousand and eighty is all that’s left in the account. The four hundred is gone. Forget the four hundred. Eight thousand four hundred just isn’t real. Eight thousand four hundred is an illusion. I understand. Y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    Another day on the job full of stress and I come home to this: “Roberto, clean the gutters! Roberto, fix the lamp. Roberto, let’s make love.” Dammit, woman! I've already had a long day. So, she says, “Roberto, long day, huh? And what exactly do you do all day?” No appreciation; no gratitude. What do I do all day, woman? What do y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Grimble sits staring at a shirt, jacket, tie and trousers on a chair. Under the chair are two shoes with a sock in each shoe. He is wearing a T-shirt and underpants. Lorraine. How you drain, Lorraine. (Pause) Shirt. (Stands, goes to chair, and picks up the shirt. He returns to his previous place. Putting shirt on) One arm through here. The other through here. So far so good. (Pause) Buttons. Top button. (Does up top button) Second button. (Does up second button) Third. (Does up third button) Fourth. (Does up fourth button) Okay. Good. (Stares at trousers) Trousers. (Goes to chair and picks up the trousers. He returns to his previous place) One leg through here. (Puts leg into trousers) One in here. (Puts other leg into trousers and almo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    He lives in a mansion, has thirteen dogs, and his butler’s name is Franz. He’s my soul mate. Just because I met him on Facebook doesn’t mean it devalues our relationship. Facebook is the new blind dating! In fact, it’s better than that! Jack and I have a connection thanks to the connection of our WiFi signals sent out through the universe and back down deep within our hearts! The other day, when he picked me up, he brought me a cronut because he said it reminded him of me. He said, because it’s not quite a croissant and not totally a donut, and like me, it’s a cro.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Look I like you, ok I really like you. It’s not you, it’s actually me, well actually it’s my family. Look meeting the family is a big step and clearly I don’t want to put you through that kind of torture, especially not this early in the relationship. (Beat) They’re not that bad. OK they’re pretty bad, but I’m just looking out for you. (Beat) You really want to know? Ok where to start? All right, there’s my grandma the boozer, she gets drunk the second the clock strikes 8…in the morning. She always says “It’s happy hour somewhere in the world” Not to mention the fact th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    2min
    20-70
    YEARS OLD
    I know I’m fat. “Chubby,” say the fake and timid. I’m not thin, athletic or fluffy-but-really-cuddly-with-a-stunning-face and magnetic eyes. I’m not magazine-cover-HOT, even when I’m almost thin. I have a problem, an obvious, socially and legally acceptable addiction, one that my brain associates with survival because I HAVE to eat. I’ve been eating too much for so long that my dopamine, serotonin and endorphin levels DEPEND upon me over-indulging. My brain DEMANDS that I eat more, even when I’m trying to abstain. My appearance makes people uncomfortable, incl.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Greetings neighbor! That's a very nice fence you've erected between our properties. You certainly didn’t skimp on the materials. Only the finest of everything. That fence was built to last. Yes, it will keep our livestock separated very nicely, indeed. And you erected it so quickly - all in the short time my wife and I were up country visiting her dear, sick sister. Normally, we wouldn't be away a whole week but family comes first. I'm sure you know about that. You've spent your whole life toiling in the fields, as have I. All to make a better li.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-65
    YEARS OLD
    So, when I got fired 3 weeks, 2 days, 8 hours and 47 seconds ago, I was pretty messed up. Below rock bottom. And as I was replaying my termination over in my head, I thought, “This story sucks. It's so pathetic. It has no vroom.” I mean, fire me like a badass because if you're not going to do it with some damn compassion, then Ja.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    11-15
    YEARS OLD
    It’s cool how when you kiss someone, everything works out so perfectly. Even when you’ve never kissed anyone before, and you weren’t expecting the kiss to happen. You’re just hanging around, thinking that he’s just going to keep talking and never get around to actually kissing you. And then, when you least expect it, he gives you that look, and .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    50-70
    YEARS OLD
    (moving a chair) Jesus, the last damn thing I want said about me is, “They got to the Col,” or, “He chickened out. Broke down and talked.” Some private or corporal hear that and say, “If he can’t take it, how the hell am I supposed to?” I won’t talk. (pause) There’s enough broken glass in this cell to slash my wrists. There’s been enough shit littering my days and nights in Iran to tempt Jesus. (standing on the chair) Hey Buddy, you knew you were gonna walk up that Mount, gonna have a few nails pounded into ya. That’s same as takin’ your own life. You made a choice. I seem to have a few options here. Slit my wrists, swallow some glass, bash my brains out on the wall. I think I prefer the old Spani.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    FRANCINE: When I was a child, I hated other children. I couldn’t imagine why they were so happy all the time. Jumping and playing around, as if nothing existed but this thing called ‘fun.’ I began to think they weren’t really having fun, they were just acting happy to make me feel worse. My parents took me to a shrink when I was ten. .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    17-19
    YEARS OLD
    Explaining her traumatic freshman year to an incoming freshmen Well, I’ve only been through freshman year so far and it is not all it is cracked up to be. Take this as a warning. I spent most of my first year being completely miserable. I even thought about transferring to a different school; it was that bad. Many a night I stayed up late doing research about different schools on my laptop, while my second roommate of the year, that’s right, second roommate, was sleeping. I’ll get to the roommate thing in a minute. First of all, the food is lousy. I’d call my parents and I could hear the whole family .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that Friendly’s offers “Delicious Beginnings and Happy Endings”? Their unfortunate slogan is written right on the back of their menu by the desserts. By the time I got to “warm gooey super melts” I had to stop reading because I was blushing so much. Hasn’t their marketing department ever heard of a Chinese message parlor? Apparently they’re a family restaurant with a very adult menu. Dare I ask what you can order on the side?! Yikes! O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I just finished my math homework in like half an hour. That was the most productive half hour of my life! I should quit math. I’m a genius! I must be a genius if I finished so fast, right? Why do I need math? Or the rest of school, for that matter? Geniuses don’t need school, do they? Why would they, if they know everything already? I talked to one of the geniuses at the Mac Store the other day. I asked him if he was born a genius of if he became one. He said he became one from helping his Mom with her computer problems. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    9-15
    YEARS OLD
    Wow, this is amazing! Just look at this! This is the coolest thing ever. When I was a little kid, my mom read me a story about the Redwood Forest, and I’ve wanted to come here ever since. Some of the trees here are so big, even when my mom and dad and brother and I all try to put our arms around one, our fingers.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-50
    YEARS OLD
    NORA: I am going to fling you right out of this hammock, Colleen Foley. You’re not taking my bed under the stars. You can’t have it. I wanted some goddamned apple pie and there was none to be had. It was you, wasn’t it? You ate the other half. No wonder you’re fat and out of shape and a mess. I wanted that pie because I was terrified. Terrified I’ve made a mess of my life. Nothing to show for a day of it. Not a real home, a pet, a MAN, a child. I could have been a chiropractor and studied the healing arts. I was hired you know, almost, but then on the third intervi.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    Do you think goblins are real? Tommy said there's a goblin in my closet and it's going to eat me unless I do his chores for a week. And that made me scared - not the part about the chores; I mean the goblin - But I pretended it didn’t. But then I got thinking…how come it didn't.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’m drunk. I’m at the greasy-pizza-and-hope-there’s-no-hangover stage. It’s not a bad thing. Tonight it’s released me from the gnawing hole in my solar plexus that you put there. I’ve just flown 3000 miles across the country away from the man I love; away from the one person who fills my soul with the sheer joy of life itself. It wasn’t easy stepping on that plane. And probably not wise, in light of our final night together. Interesting how the night is the witching hour. The whole world goes into hang-time during those hours. That’s why it’s my favorite. No obligations, no outside white noise; just the real, honest, raw, naked and perhaps vulnerable me. And maybe the vulnerable you as well. Do you have.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    Welcome to class, ladies and fabulously dressed gentleman. Today, we will learn how to obtain a wealthy man without really trying. Lesson one: BAIT! You have to maintain your bait. If a billion dollar financial advisor approached you right now, would you be ready? Not with those busted shoes and that hairstyle, you’re not. The type of man that will change your life goes to galas. You won't get an invite if you loo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    KIMBERLI: Excuse me?! What did you just say to me? How dare you come up to me and ask me “Is that your hair?” You don’t know me! What makes you think you can come up to a complete stranger and ask her that? Who do you think you are? Is that your hair? Of course it’s my hair! And why did you pick ME? What? I can’t have naturally long hair? Out of all the w.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COM./DRA.
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    So, I’m plus size. More to love, right? Why is it that too little of something is seen as glamorous, just enough is a step below adequate, but too much is considered monstrous? Fat. F A T. I hate that word. If you put a PH in front of it, people think you’re hip. I just think you sound like you got hooked on phonics but refused the rehab. I won’t lie to you and say that I haven’t dreamed of what it would be like to live a day in the life of a “skinny girl”.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-55
    YEARS OLD
    Did you know that in Alamosa, CO it is illegal to throw grenades at passing cars? Yup, it’s an actual law. I’m not sure if the same holds true for throwing them at people, but where cars are concerned, the fine lawmakers of Alamosa have spoken. I think I may pack up my family and move there! I’d feel better knowing my Ford Escalade is in safe hands. Or do you think an Escalade rates as a truck and is.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    (Lights on a man. He wears a baseball cap. He takes off his baseball cap and holds it out to the audience.) This is what it’s come to…underground…hat in hand…Saturday afternoons crowd rushing up and down…to catch the “A”…to catch the “E”…the “C” or “L”…on their way to some God awful Hell…banish the thought…I wish no one ill will…standing still….at the top of the stairs…hat in hand…hat always in hand… …bent slightly…ever so…a twinkle in my eye…trace of a smile…the sound of coins land in my hat…there is hope… accumula.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    LINDA: I’m into hair. All my life I have only dated, and married men with full heads of hair. My high school sweet heart was a cheating son of a bitch, but he had a full head of beautiful blonde hair. Loved it! Like sunshine! My college sweet heart weighed 328lbs and had a growth on his kneecap, but God his hair was a sparkling, shaggy red. Like a head of roses. Fresh red roses! My first husband was convicted of murdering his parents, but .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Jess texted me last week that she feels very "devalued" by me and I treat her like a whore or some shit. Just out of nowhere. Out of nowhere, Dude! And here I thought we had a great time last time I saw her! And I like her! I mean, I really like this girl! So I had to talk to her about it. I mean, I know that dick, Steve, is after her and there is no way I'm letting that happen. So, I called her over. And she tells me that I don't remember what she says. That's it! So I said, "That's it?!" WRONG question, Dude! I mean, wrong. She went on and on about how.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    I hate holidays. Everyone at this time of year is gearing up for family gatherings and Mom’s homemade cookies, while I’m trying to find ways to get out of it all. “I twisted my ankle walking down the stairs, so I can’t walk anywhere; Doctor’s orders,” or “I must have eaten something really weird last night. I can’t keep anything down.” Don’t get me.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    Have I tried? Have I tried? I’m on an express train to nowhere and I’ve missed my connection. I’m not sure how it even happened. Twenty years ago I was the up-and -coming star. Youngest bank manager in the country. Wow! Was I hot stuff! Invincible. I was on the fast track, with nowhere to go but up…or maybe just nowhere to go. Hitting the glass ceiling before you’re thirty gives you a headache like you can’t believe. So I said screw it. Who needs security? There’s a raging artist inside me just waiting to come out… Yeah, right. Twenty years later, all that’s left is the rage. I was cocky. I’d made it in the business world in less than a decade. How har.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    Mommy, he took my water! My bucket was full and he poured it out! I don’t care that I wasn’t using it! It’s mine! I was busy doing other things but I plan to come back to it. And even if I don’t, it’s still mine. He just wants to wreck things all the time. How am I supposed to have time to be a princess and walk around with my face painted in my pretty dress when I have to watch my little brother? It’s not fair! He doesn’t have to watch me! I know he’s only four, but when.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    19-50
    YEARS OLD
    My head feels like it’s going to explode and my teeth are aching so badly, I’m considering getting a pair of pliers and yanking them out one at a time. With my luck they’d probably chip and I’d have to have root canals or something. Of course I can’t sleep because of my running nose, so I have to stuff tissues inside my nostrils in order to have any peace. No wonder I can’t get a man in my bed. I look like a bloody walrus. I took a Theraflu two nights ago. You know - the one you mix up with hot water and it feels like your mother’s made chicken soup. But it made me so stoned I couldn’t even dream, except to dream I was stoned and then I woke the next.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    You understand? No, you think you understand. Just because you have a Ph.D. doesn’t mean you can magically feel anyone’s pain. Have you witnessed someone you love turn into dust? Were you on the phone with him, when when he screamed for his life? No! So don’t sit here and tell me that everything is going to be okay because it’s not. My boyfriend, my best friend, the only person who knew me better than I knew myself, is dead. He’s gone! It’s only been a week and it feels like years. I try to stop myself from crying every night because I don’t want to accept it. I need him. I mi.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    COUNTER GIRL: Now you’ve got her crying. I hope you are very happy you inconsiderate bully-boy-man. Thinking you can force her to eat all that food. You’re just like my husband. Pig-nosed, beetle-headed, hammer-handed bulldozer. I ought to charge you double for everything you just ordered Mr. fat dog wagging-your-tail in a china shop. I’ll give you some bananas Mr. Neanderthal, Mr. Apeman with a cudgel, force-feeding this woman. Here’s a who.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-18
    YEARS OLD
    I've done something. I need help. I've really, really done something. I...hit Kaitlin. I hit her pretty hard, I think. I hit her three times in the face, I think, as hard as I could. She fell down. She was crying, and I just stood there and watched her cry and I felt like...nothing. Like a sense of peace or something. She was just crying on the floor in my living room and I just stood there and felt nothing, but it was good. And then she got up and left, and I took one of my Dad's beers and drank it and watched Game of Thrones. I drank .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Here I am, about to get gorgeous for my very own wedding. I can’t tell you how long I have waited for this moment. You know the old saying, “Always a bridesmaid, never a bride?” Every time that I walked down that aisle for somebody else I’d pretend it was me in the flowing white dress, instead of some new fresh horror that was perfectly designed to make the bride look gorgeous by comparison. But I knew that one day I would have my revenge. Finally, I met Mr. Right and here I am. I found the dress of my dreams three years ago, while shopping with Cindy for bridesmaid’s dress number five. I wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    I burnt the lasagna. Is that even possible? I put it in the oven the time that it said on the box and then poof-magoof!! The alarm thing-a-ma-bob on the wall starts beeping and all this smoke starts shooting out of the oven. Why me, huh? Why do I get the highly flammable pasta sheets? All I wanted to do was make a nice meal for Dad when he came home for the weekend from training. He likes Italian food...so I thought oooo lasagna…that’ll show some skills right there. If I can make a wicked awesome cheese on sauce on carb-sheets of yum ménage-trois then I’m definitely the favorite child. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s his hands. There’s just something about his hands that make it difficult to forget about him. I mean they’re not that big, but they’re not like Gary Coleman sized either. I’m crazy. That’s it; I’m just out of my mind. I mean what was I thinking going to see Sean in the first place huh? I mean I’m engaged to Carl! And I love Carl and his normal, un-extraordinarily sized hands. It’s just Sean and I have such a sordid history. You don’t have such a whirl-wind relationship with someone for six years and suddenl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Liquoring me up isn’t going to numb the pain of your rejection! I can’t believe I come here and pour my heart and soul out to you. And what do I get? “Let’s Be Friends.” Friends? FRIENDS!! What is this really about? Is it because I share the same name as your mother…Because she is known as the Virgin Mary and I’m just Mary Magdalene? And you don’t think I know people talk? I hear the whispers. They call me a whore. The other week they threatened to st.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    10-15
    YEARS OLD
    I hate homework! I spend my whole day doing schoolwork. Why do I have to do more when I get home? I have stuff to do, ya know. I have to check my facebook and text my friends. And there’s basketball practice and hanging with my peeps. My buddy, Josh is havin’ a bunch of us over to play Wii. I’m defending my championship in both bowling and golf. What am I supposed to tell him, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    10-17
    YEARS OLD
    So! I like the way you raise your hand in Miss O’Connor’s class every time she asks a question. You seem to know the answer for everything. You’re a very smart girl and Miss O’Connor has praised you as a good example for the rest o’ the class in how you always hand your homework in on time. Oh, and how neat you write. “Good penmanship,” Miss O’Connor said. You are definitely the brightest student in the class. So! I have chosen you to do my homework. You’re the lucky duck I picked. You’re gonna meet me in front of the dollar store each and ev.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve lost hope. It sounds self-indulgent to say it out loud, but I have. I came here fresh and wide-eyed like all the others. I was different. I was going to change the world. But guess what? Nothing has changed, except me. I’m 13 years older and I don’t believe I can change shit. Have you ever had a dream? I mean a real dream? Something you just can’t stop holding onto? Something more precious than anything else you hold dear in life? I’ve been a dreamer since childhood. Maybe even before that. It’s in every cell of my existence. Its tentacles are so embedded in my DNA it’ll never let go. I want to act! And I want to be the best in the world! Oo, even as I say it, I wince. To the outside world it must sou.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    So this girl, Kaylee, in my class is like the hottest girl in school. You should see her. She stops traffic walking down the hall! And I don’t know why, but she really likes me. Thinks I’m funny or something cuz I’m always cracking jokes in history class. She’s as smart as a whip, too. Always gets A’s on everything. Every guy’s been trying to go out with her and I finally saw my chance. I was complaining one day that I didn’t get what the teacher was saying and she actually volunteered to help me with my ho.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I can’t breathe. But it’s not the physical breath I can’t seem to inhale, it’s everything else. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just want to be normal. A normal person wouldn’t cry if they eat ten more calories than they originally planned to eat the day before. A normal person wouldn’t have to exercise three and a half hours a day at full intensity because anything less equals loss of self-control. (beat) Aunt Lana, I need to know how you got through. Mom told me when you were my age that for an entire year you ate.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    1.5min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    Think of everything we did this year. Think of how much fun we had. Think of moving in. And how awkward it was. And unpacking our stuff. And not knowing what to do the first night. Think of the hypnotist show. That dumb hypnotist show where nobody was really hypnotized but we all pretended to be hypnotized because we’re freshman in college.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-35
    YEARS OLD
    Dr. Phillip, I'm here today because of “Mr. I Don't Love My Girlfriend.” Strike 1: He's looking at every girl's ass that walks by without even trying to hide it. Strike 2: He's on the phone texting and smiling. I wanted to be like, "Yo! Who the hell are you so happy to text at 7:46 in the morning, Jake?!" But I didn't say anythin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    BERTHA: I am a woman. Do you understand what that means, Rosco? It means, Rosco, that you treat me with kindness and respect. Or, I kill you. (Temper rising.) Now if I say I want to have dessert, you say: “Enjoy your dessert Bertha.” You don’t say: “That dessert will make you fat Bertha.” ‘Cause when you say “that dessert will make you fa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    ROSCO: Would you like some coffee with that chocolate cake, Bertha? I can order you coffee, if you’d like, Bertha. Okay. If you are sure… But, if you change your mind. Just let me know. Um, Bertha… There is something I would like to talk about. I’d like to talk about something you said earlier. No. Not the castrating thing. No. Not the death thing. Though those were very disturbing things to say to someone after only dating t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    LISA: Let me start by saying I am not responsible for what I’m about to say. I haven’t eaten all day and I have a blood sugar level problem and a thyroid problem, I think. I haven’t actually been diagnosed with either, but I’m pretty sure the.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    I don't like tomatoes! They're gross. I don't care if they're good for me, they're yucky! Like really, really yucky. They're all runny and stuff and they have seeds and I don't like seeds. Well, maybe I do. I don't know about that part for sure cuz you can't taste the seeds cuz of the yuck around them. I don't get why Mom always wants me to eat stuff that's good for me. Why can't it just be stuff I like? You .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.45min
    9-16
    YEARS OLD
    You see, Mrs. Smith, I can’t do laps today because my doctor forbids it. (Beat) No, I know what it says. See, dis-in-breath-opulus is a very serious condition that I currently have. It means that if I get out of breath that my entire system could shut down and I could faint…or die. Well, maybe not die, but there’s a good chance that if I fainted and was standing near something dangerous, say, near one of these very old, wooden, and.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-45
    YEARS OLD
    I’ve decided to label each of my wrinkles. I turn forty tomorrow and it’s time to get creative or I won’t survive this. So, labels. This one is the I-paid-for-my-ex-husband’s-rehab wrinkle. The parentheses around my mouth are named separation and divorce. Each of the Crow’s Feet is a pregnancy scare; under my eyes are both named weight gain and all the rest are from the blind date I went on last night where the guy told me he could “see experience” in my face. He said I was a “real woman,” then insisted I pay for dinner. And I was wearing Spanx - the worst thing about turning forty. They’re great for making fat rol.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    I still don’t like tomatoes. They’re still yucky and gross, and in all my years of living I have not once enjoyed them unless they were in their angelic form as packets of ketchup. My mom swears they will surely be an ingredient in the cure for cancer. Just yesterday she offered to come over and make dinner - I should’ve known something was up from that suggestion alone - I've been cooking for myself for the last thirty- something ye.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-19
    YEARS OLD
    LARKIN: So what? All of a sudden you’re too stupid to know how to be a friend? No, worse, you don’t know how to be the brother I never had. My Ma takes you in because I ask her, she feeds you, she lets Rosie stay, hell, she’ll probably raise your kid and you can’t help me look at my Dad? I wanted to be where my Dad was and I needed you to be there with me. (pause) White tiles and steel tables and basins, and scalpels, saws, hammers, picks, every kind of tool for prying a man open, and scales to weigh a brain or a kidney or a rock-hard liver. It’s unho.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    COLLEEN: I’m back. I’m here now. It’s late, but I need to sit with you. I need to talk to you, Dad. I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know where I thought I was going, like some little snotty-nosed kid running away. But you can’t blame me. I don’t want to see you like this. I don’t want to be your nurse. I don’t want to put you deeper and deeper into sleep until you stop breathing, so I left. I guess I trudged along about a half a mile, fists jammed in my pockets, shoulders up around my ears. Every step I pushed you, this house, and Wittenberg Road behind me, hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    I got some news for our Father who art in heaven. He left this world in awful shape. Yes he did. I see how people treat each other. They're scared o’ one another. That's not good. If I fall and splat blood all over the place, not one human being is gonna pick me up. Well, maybe one. Yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    5-10
    YEARS OLD
    I'm not a penguin! You keep telling me to join the pack, Mr. Evans and hug you and the whole class and everyone, cuz that’s how penguins stay warm. And my toes are cold and my fingers are cold and my nose is runny and it’s freezing out here, but I’m not a penguin! I don’t have a white vest or flippers .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    CHRIS: Do you see him? The man standing right beside me. The one with the black, curly mustache.You don’t do you? Be honest, you don’t see him, do you? No one sees him but me. I think I might need some professional help. Some kind of medication. Because, I’m too old for an imaginary friend with a mustache. I wonder what the mustache symbolizes. (Turning to her right, to speak to the IMAGINARY MAN.) Can you please stop talking to me right now? I’m trying to talk to a real person. (Turning back to speak to the “REAL PERSON.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh wow, Brianna is absolutely, totally, the best thing that has ever happened to me. She’s beautiful, she’s smart, I love everything about her. And, here’s where it gets really nuts. She loves everything about me. I know, crazy, right? We tell each other every day that we are so lucky to have found each other, and we’ll be together for the rest of our lives. Oh man, that is so fucked up! What am I going to do? You know that anything too good to be true.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    13-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m nine. I’m at the pharmacy with my mother buying aspirin. I say we should walk down the aisle with all the bottles of things – you know, shampoo, lotion, stuff like that – but she says she doesn’t want to, that we don’t need any of that. I walk down it anyway and she follows me. Then she starts talking to a man. He has big fingers and my mother is laughing and no one is looking at me. Right in that moment, I become invisible. I fade into the background of the stories happening around me and I’m watching the stories but I’m not in .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    40-50
    YEARS OLD
    DARLENE: WOW!! Wait…uh...Don't you think we are moving a little too fast? I mean, I usually don't move this fast on a first date, especially with someone I just met online. Listen St..Sttteee..Steven? Steven, you’re like what? Twenty-five? And I'm at least twen...uh...TEN, ten years older then you. It's not that I'm not attracted to you, of course. I am. look at you. I love the way that shirt brings out the blue in your eyes and the way it fits so n.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    Let me stop you here for a second. I want to, uh...make something clear. I don’t think you realize how difficult it is to be me...the devil. You see, I have to lie. I can’t tell the truth. I’m the devil. It comes with the territory. If you were to ask me what color the sun is, I’d have to say something ridiculous, like purple or turquoise. Yes, that’s right; here on planet earth we have a turquoise sun. Did you s.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-70
    YEARS OLD
    Did I ever tell you about Jeannie? We had a...I don’t know what...but we had it. She threatened to tell Dita. Every time the phone rang...every ring...the sound...Oh God...the sound cut through me like an unclean knife. What if it was Jeannie? What if it was her? And Dita answered the phone. What then? What would happen then? When their two voices met. (Mimics Dita’s Austrian accent) “Hello?” (Mimics Jeannie - nasal Jersey girl) “Is this Dita?” (Dita)
“Yes. To whom am I speaking?” (Jeannie) “Uh...is Ken around?” (Dita) “Who is this?” (Jeannie) “Jeannie.” (Dita) “And you want Ken?” (Jeannie) “I do.” (Dita) “My Ken?” (Jeannie - seductive) “I want him.” (Dita)
“Is t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    All right, all I have to do is tell Grandma that I’m asking Jody to marry me and I’m home free, right? Awe, fish sticks with soy sauce. WHY IS THIS SO EFFIN’ COMPLICATED?!?! The woman is eighty-seven years old - I mean, yeah, she’s in the hospital but it’s for a yeast infection for Christ sakes!!!!! Is telling her that her grandson is getting married really going to change what’s going on “down there”? I think not. Look, Mom, I know she wants to believe in a world where.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-25
    YEARS OLD
    Hi! Well my name is Katie, uh Katie Johnson and I’m here because I know that I would make the perfect secretary for your company. (Beat) What experience do I have? Well I can type about 100 words per minute, which I know sounds really crazy, but I can. And I also answer the phones at a really fast pace, which is good, especially when things get busy, (she stops for a moment as she looks like she’s getting sick) I’m fine, I’ve.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    25-65
    YEARS OLD
    FRANK: We drop off machinery at Danang and driving back to Red Beach. So…we’re riding through a village. Eddie stops the truck. Two little girls running. Screaming. (voice of the little girls)…“HELP, HELP OUR MOTHER’S HAVING A BABY!” Eddie and I look at each other the way Eddie and I look when something’s going down like we’re being lured into a trap, but because of the little girls.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-55
    YEARS OLD
    Your honor, I don't understand why I'm here. I've done nothing wrong. I'm talking about the fact that I’m sitting here watching my life slip away in some weird outer body experience. Give me the death penalty instead. I would rather die than sit here next to these defective humans. Kevin spreads grass on his lunch because he believes it's m.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    You know what, Jody? Just go. It’s what you’ve always been good at…walking away. Best friends for life? You are such a selfish miserable human being and I am so sick of being your target. I’m done. You wanted to get over Barry so you thought you’d find a new guy to make him jealous…okay...decent plan. But did you have to pick Dave? You knew how I felt about him. You were there when he broke my heart. How could you have even thought twice about bringing him into this? No!!! Don’t you dare even try to say a word, I’m not finis.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Terrorist: A person who terrorizes or frightens others. Let me be the first to admit: Children are terrorists. The sky is blue, our bodies need water, and children are masters of terrorism. I understand children are overwhelmingly adorable. They say cute things in cute voices while wearing cute outfits, but looks can be deceiving! Their primary objective is to break you down to the point of slight insanity. First of all, labor in itself is exactly like the battle between Bane and Batman in The Dark Knig.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    CHRISSY: One-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand. I gotta get up. I’m gonna sit over there, on the rock, by the fence. Okay. I’ll be quiet now so I can see your world while we wait for the hummingbird. (She sits) Okay. This is good. This is nice. I can sit here. I can sit here for more than a minute. I’ll pipe down. silence I try. I really do. Please let me talk to you. Let me talk and then when I’m all talked out, I’ll stop. When you’re not around I try and I can’t. To sit. But as soon as I sit I look at another spot and things look better in that spot.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Lee in a chair with a notebook and pen having just deliberately run into someone) Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to run into you with my wheelchair! I’m sorry. Sorry. Having a bad leg day. I apologize. Fell out of the wrong side of the bed. Right on top of my colostomy bag. Shit went everywhere. All up the walls and over the duvet. I think the bag’s blocked. Could you have a look for me? Maybe you could unblock it!? No? Then so long, good riddance, may you live in exciting times! (Watching person go and then writes in notebook): Male. Tall. Blonde hair. Thirty-ish. Eight Points. (Looking up) Next! (Turns to audience) Oh, sorry, haven’t introduced myself. I’m Lee. Cripple Lee. As you can see, I’m vertically challenged. (Looking from side to side) Here come.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    17-25
    YEARS OLD
    They say, "If you love something let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be." But what if you love something so much that you don’t want it to come back? Because if it comes back, it’ll feel so much worse. I knew that if he couldn’t be everything I wanted him .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    I can't believe your mom is just like seriously gone all night screwing some dude! That's (fuckin') awesome! I thought I'd be like hiding out in someone's garage for the next...I dunno. I dunno how long I'm gonna be gone. (Shit), Man! I'm about to (fuckin) explode! I'm gonna mail this letter to her tomorrow, and I'm like...Aaah! Ya know? I mean, why can't she just...like not be like that? Jesus! I gotta read you this thing. I gotta just like get it out there or I'm gonna explode! Ok? Ok. (opens letter). “Dear Mom, Yeah, that's right, I'm gone, because you have made it perfectl.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I was kinda messed up as a kid. Got into lots of trouble. My parents didn’t know what to do with me. I got in with this gang, called themselves UPC. Some moron named it after the universal price code cuz he worked in a grocery store, but I didn’t know that back then. Anyway, I thought it was cool to run with them. They had this great tag and we used to spray it everywhere – abandoned warehouses, corner delis, billboards. You should have seen me. Hangin’ upside down off a billboard over the freeway with a .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    15-19
    YEARS OLD
    NITZ: Yeah, I can see now. Awful small room to live in. Like bein’ in a coffin. I don’t ever want to be in a coffin. I’ll go nuts in one. How nuts is it that you gotta spend the rest of your life in a coffin after you die? Nobody knows what’s doin’ under the earth. Nobody. Did you know that your thoughts continue after you die? It’s true. I read it in a science journal. You die and your thoughts continue, just like your hair and nails grow, which if you think about it - .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    You are a lifeguard! You’re supposed to be guarding my life and right now you’re doing a pretty bad job. No offense. A jellyfish stung me! On your watch, buddy. What are you going to do about it? No, I don’t want you to spray vinegar on me. I need urine but none of my friends or family members offered to pee on me. So, you’re up. Drop the trunks. What? It helps with the pain. Something about the ammonia. It was on an episode of Friends. Chandler pees on Monica when she gets stung. S.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-27
    YEARS OLD
    Mighty Morphine Power Rangers, can you please find out where the damn doctor is??!! (Beat) Hey, what happened to you? That thing on your hand, that doesn’t look too good…you should go to the hospital about that…oh right! This thing down here…well, it’s agony. See my big brother Jason over there, well tonight, that asshole convinced me to hang with his friends and play a drinking game. Did you ever hear about the one called “Splatter-Splash?” No? Well in short, it involves shots of Tequila mixed with Tabasco sauce and pickled peppers. Oh yeah, and the throwing of little knives across the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    12-17
    YEARS OLD
    WHY WHY WHY!!!!! Why do I get stuck with a little brother? None of my friends have little brothers. Well, Danielle Martino does but her brother is so sweet and polite. Unlike my demon of a little brother Michael. Sure he was so adorable when he was an itty whittle baby but he’s ten now and he’s always getting me into trouble. Like yesterday, He was playing baseball in the yard and he hit the bal.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    You never know. Maybe Rita will volunteer to do a little overtime with me. She practically got down on her hands and knees and begged me for it once. It’s the truth. This family of five got wiped out on the highway by a drunk driver. Their lodge was burying them the next day. Billy Smith and me pulled extra shifts. You were on vacation. Billy was working the crane. I was scooping dirt. It was hot like a bitch. We worked round the clock. After we were through, Billy took off to his girlfriend’s in Bayshore but I was .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    The instant I heard “Livin’ On A Prayer” by Bon Jovi it shook my soul. I had discovered rock ‘n roll and I knew I was in love. I guess that sounds cliché. Every guy with a guitar in his hands probably has the same feeling, but mine was real! Since I was young I’d been playing classical music on the piano. It taught me a lot but it just didn’t stir my passion. But with rock music I felt liberated! I had this new musical freedom that could take me wherever I dreamed of going. I traded in my piano for a beat up Stratocaster and practiced singing high notes in the shower.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    (To self) Shall I paint, take a shower, thumb wrestle myself...? Maybe I should scoop the rotting dog turds from the yard. It would just seem so much more satisfying if I actually owned a dog. Gotta love those neighbors for deciding that leashes are a form of animal abuse. I could get a dog in retaliation. I’m too boring to even be a sad Lifetime movie. Gotta add more “Jerry Springer is a contestant on Maury Povich” to my life first. I could send another resume for a job described as fascinating and rewarding, but is really just another underpaid.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    It’s so still on the prairies. Eerie. Like God didn’t want humans trespassing on his domain so he designed the prairies as a gigantic “Do Not Disturb” sign. People who were born here say there’s nothing like that big prairie sky. Me, I just see bleak, barren desolation. Like I’m at the end of the earth and no one will ever know I’ve just faded into the landscape. It’s not so hard to do. I can see for miles, but there’s nothing to see. Driving down the highway is hypnotic in its austerity. My eyes play tricks on me. I keep hoping to find civil.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    MARE: You think you can take care of a kid? You think bein’ an Aunt can make you his mother some way? You couldn’t handle a kid. Your life is so fuckin’ neat. You think you can come here and take my kid and raise him? You have white rugs! White rugs for Chris’sake. You made us eat in the yard last time those torch citron bamboo lantern jungle things with and we got bit anyways. Had red bumps for days. Lark had huge welts for a week cuz you have white rugs. You kept repeating over and over again, “the best way to the bathroom is through the kitchen,” boys piss outside anyways and all because you didn’t wanna get that w.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-20
    YEARS OLD
    PETER: I remember Mom sitting alone in the dark. “Your Dad’s gone,“ she said. “He won’t be coming back.“ (Pause) Didn’t even say goodbye. (Pause) Then I stole some sweets from Walmart and a few other shops, smashed in a couple of windows. Mom couldn’t cope. She sent me to this… home. (Pause) And at Christmas I was given this little kitten. Sandy. Only I didn’t ask for a kitten. I didn’t want anything alive. Only it was OK after a bit. Sandy relied on me, you see. Needed me to play wit.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-25
    YEARS OLD
    My parents really cursed me. In fact they fucking ruined me. Jeffrey is a piece of shit scumbag and I wish my parents would’ve left him in that mental facility and threw away the key. He’s not right. All my life I wished for a big brother I could look up to, a guy who would show me the way. Instead I got a drug addicted, mentally ill fucking liar whose been nothing but grief to me and my sister Candace. We’ve spent the better half of our early adult lives having to keep aft.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-27
    YEARS OLD
    How can I be so young and feel so alone? Nothing seems to interest me anymore: not my books, not my friends, not my PC. I don’t even like to go out anymore. I wish I could tell someone the way I feel, but I know they won’t understand because I don’t understand myself. My pain is choking me. It’s unbearable. Sometimes I cry all night. Other times I can’t find any tears. I’m full of emptiness. My feelings don’t exist anymore. I wish it would run away. I do. I spend everyday locked in my roo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Dick. Oh Dick. Why does this happen? Why? I love you! Yet it does. It happens. But why? Why does it have to? I remember the night we met. I had broken off with Tom who had let me know the night before he was gay. The thought of his body, and how could any man’s be as soft as mine. Then you came along, with your chipped front tooth, and tiny hands. Up and down that bar. The nerve of you. Flopping yourself down at my table. Then you offered me that drink. The first of many. I was certain what was on your mind. Did I refuse? I could have. But there you were. Looking like a fool. Your chipped too.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    She walks like she has a fishing line connected to her shoulders, that’s connected to the sky, that’s connected to angels. The arch in her back is a Greek temple and it moves like the Pacific Ocean and I only sat behind her in one lecture but I knew I loved her. I mean, that’s what college is about, right? Mystery, and love, sex, and questions, and mystery love sex questions, or, something. It was a science class, probably something tedious and biology-based. She was science, too, made entirely of boxes of light and depleted by lif.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    When my parents divorced there was a larger custody battle over the cappuccino machine than there was over me. When I read Romeo and Juliet in ninth grade, the dog dropped it in the fireplace. I don’t believe in love. But today, I’m at the supermarket in the sweatpants I’ve been wearing for four days, standing in the frozen foods section looking at waffle varieties. And then it happened, this totally weird paralyzing vortex of unfamiliarity occurred when a hand touched mine as we both reached for the same frozen veggie pizza with pepperoni. There’s nothing glamorous about frozen pepperoni—which I’ve heard is made of p.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COM./DRAM.
    1.5min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Mikey. You are such a good man. And I love our little adventures and I love when you got stuck on the zipline and I laughed so hard that the pain in my stomach was overbearing and I love seeing you when I get home from work and I love eating all the random shit you cook and I love hearing you pronounce the name of the shit you cook. And is it a party every day, bein.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    Sometimes in singing competition TV shows they’ll show the tragic backstory of some wide-eyed hopeful contestant and they’re like, “I’d never been on a plane before but I left my small town in Iowa for a chance at the dream.” Then it turns out the auditions are in Iowa so they didn’t even have to take a plane. They didn’t actually lie. They just used words to get around saying, “I’m not good enough on my own, so I need some sob story so you morons will vote for me,” or whatever. That’s what Sammy did. He said he had to go to L.A. to do movies or something. Sa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Hello, my name is Hilda. Is this the address of Yacob Smith? Good. I am your mail order bride. Why you shake your head no? You order one. I have tracking number. (Pulls out paper and reads) Amazon order number: 100002556206969. Yacob Smith. Is you, no? Okay, you listen, Yacob. That is funny name....Yacob. Sounds like women’s breast size. Jya – cup. (Puts hands out like .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    Listen you little punk, without me, you’d be nothing. You’d still be a two bit hood hustling on the streets playing Three Card Monty. I cleaned you up and gave you a straight job when you needed me and I put you in a pinstriped suit and made you respectable. I got you off smack. That’s not easy. You think I just did it to be charitable? I invested in you. I coulda picked any other junky on the street, but I chose you. I saw your potential when nobody else gave a damn. I put you in.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    OMG BABE!! I had the craziest conversation with my mother the other day. I was telling her that we were thinking about visiting them this weekend and she was like, “Oh no, you can’t. We’re not gonna be around.” And I’m all, “What do you mean you’re not gonna be around? What could be more important than seeing your favorite child?” And before she could respond I was like, “Wait a minute; time out! Are you going to Atlantic City again?” Yeah, that’s right. Those two crazy kids are going up to the casino for.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I would set an extra place at the table; two forks, because Percy hated getting pasta sauce on his vegetables, and no napkin, because Percy always wiped his dirty hands on his mustard yellow shirt. Percy loved music and dreaded rain and enjoyed microwaves and Percy didn’t die when my father died, so I kept setting the place for Percy, because nothing had changed. That’s not what they thought; not my mother, my sister, doctors, not anyone. They called it post-traumatic psychosis at one point, which, in retrospect, is fucking insane. I had an imaginary friend. I was strange. My dad died when I was in third grade. Novembe.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-65
    YEARS OLD
    Homeless Man: You know, I am a man of words myself. Like to play around with them. See some music in my head and say some words. And it ain't no churnin' dreams school boy shit neither. But hey! You wrote that BS! If it came from your soul, then you have to own it! Ya dig? And if it ain't, well, you shouldn't let no low level bullshit come out your mouth when a man asks you for poetry. I wanna hear something deep. As for me - I jump into snake pits! Drink their blood. Eat that snake and s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Mark! (pause, then lose mind) Hit me over the head. Take Joey’s bat and put me out of my misery! Wait…I’ll turn around. Just do it quick. I wish I was kidding. If I have to have the same discussion, ask for the same things one more time, I’m either going to need Haldol and a tight little white jacket or I swear, I’ll run naked through the neighborhood spraying canned-cheese and screaming, “Let’s go streak through the cul-de-sac! Come .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Mary, I like you. You’re a wonderful person. I just don’t see you in that way. I mean...I’m Jesus. The son of God. Who is the creator of all. The creator of you, Mary Magdalene. So, that kinda makes us like family. And okay, let’s say I could even get over that. I just...I have these powers. These powers that I’m just now learning how to control. I mean, what happens if we are fooling around one night, and you get me a little too excited, and then poof...you’re a fish.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    17-30
    YEARS OLD
    Yes, this one is perfect. I wore it to my parents’ twenty-fifth anniversary party. It’s parent tested. Maybe it’s trying too hard. But, it will say that I cared enough to dress up. That has to make me good enough for their son, right? And he said his family dresses for dinner. What does that mean, exactly? And who dresses for dinner, anyway? Do I want to belong to a family that dresses for dinner? I can’t do this. I’m not going. I don’t want to meet his parents. Not yet. Of course, they will wonder why I backed out. I have to go. I am good enough for their son. He loves me .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Last week, I went on a date. We went to the museum and we were at the butterfly exhibit, and there were caterpillars next to the butterflies and I go, "Why are these two things next to each other? They seem so unrelated." And the girl was like, "Caterpillars become butterflies." And I was like, "Right, yeah. I was just fucking with you." (Beat) But I wasn't fucking with her. (Beat) I’ve been spending a lot of time at my parents’ house. I'm gradually remembering how go.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    18-21
    YEARS OLD
    I love being a mascot! I know it sounds weird but I really do! When I get out there on the football field and hear the roar of the crowd something just happens to me. I turn into this rock star! It is such a rush! I get the fans all revved up and they do the wave and cheer and clap and it’s euphoric! And then I do these cameo appearances at fundraisers and special events and everyone wants to get close to me and have their picture taken with me. An.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I work full time at a hospital, I make $9.00 an hour and I’m one paycheck away from being homeless. After I pay all my bills, I’ve got $30.00 a month left over to buy food. I’ve thought about calling Child Services to come and take my daughter because she doesn’t deserve to live this way but she wouldn’t let me. I’m such a failure. I can’t even afford to take a day off of work to look for a better paying job because my present boss will think I’m not reliable and I can’t afford to lose the job I have. I lost my last one. I broke my wrist and I had no health care. I still have no health care. I make too much to qualify for assistance, so I accrued all these medical bills. I lost my job because I couldn’t work and I didn’t qualify for Worker’s Comp. Within two months.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    28-50
    YEARS OLD
    Airports piss me off! They’re full of miserable people trying to make other people miserable. Even if you start your day in a good mood, by the time you’ve spent an hour in the airport you’re done. The employees are miserable because they spend their entire day dealing with asshole travelers. And at the end of the day, the asshole is on some beach in Mozambique sipping a Mai-Tai, while the poor sucker ticketing agent just goes home to get ready for his next miserable day of existence. Not that I feel too sorry for him. He’s the son-of-a-bitch who makes a living out of making people miserable. Who wants to deal with these guys? You get up at 5:30 in the morning to catch your flight because the only one that wasn’t booked leaves at some ungodly hour of the morning. You get there and the place is a zoo. Did all these people really get their asses out of bed as early as you? Apparently so. So you check in by machine to ge.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    BRYAN: I have had it! I refuse to do this anymore. You think because I’m kind, and gentle, and polite, and all that stuff that I am- you think because of all that, that you can…Janet, don’t interrupt me. You know it’s hard for me to hold a sentence together. Especially when I’m trying to say something. I can’t do this anymore. I can.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Mother, trying on your wedding dress isn’t fun. I look ridiculous. I get it. I totally get it. You think that I should be getting married by now. Well, that’s a lot of pressure!!! Being in your mid-twenties is pressure enough. But now this? Finding a soul mate, the one, my lobster? I mean, I can’t go on Facebook these days without it popping up into my newsfeed that someone is engaged, or they’re married or they’re pregnant or they’ve popped out another kid. Facebook is just a constant reminder that I am an unmarried spinster. And okay, I’m not helping the situation. I do tend to date the .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    You sent me a text on July 2nd and I saved it, preserved it like some rare artifact or precious gemstone. It seemed like a sign at the time. Of course, when you’re hopelessly in love, you read things into the tiniest moments and your rose colored glasses cleverly filter out any unwanted red flags. Must be a color spectrum thing. You probably don’t even remember what you wrote, much less that you wrote it at all and I know you don’t realize the significance of the date because you never took time to ask. Come to think of it, you haven’t asked much about me at all, like when’s my birthday, what kind of ice cream do I prefer, do I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    Yesterday Mr. Carlson told me I looked nice when I asked him about why he gave me a B on my paper. He said he liked my necklace and then he took it - like he picked the stone up off my chest and looked at it real close. His face was like inches from my chest! It was kinda hot. I mean, like Mr. Carlson is totally hot! And you know, Ashley and Vanessa are in that class with me and they think he's hot too and I know they saw him do that as they walked out of the class and were totally jealous! I stuck out my chest too, ‘cause I knew they were watching........
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I want that woman arrested! Listen, sir…Oh, okay, listen, Mr. Rico? I have never in all my life been shot on the job. I’ve dealt with everything: hurricane weather, aggressive canines, hell, even the occasional horny housewife’s attempts at seduction. But I never had to deal with such stupidity.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    17-30
    YEARS OLD
    DARLENE: Mark! Don’t leave me! Please don’t leave me! You can’t! What? What do you mean ‘we were never together’? We had sex Tuesday at 2:46pm exactly eight months ago. And Mark… And… And…(Searching for a reason to make MARK love her.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-45
    YEARS OLD
    When no one else is in the car with me I listen to the sixties station. The voices seem pure, and there’s that crackling under the track that makes you think of a needle on vinyl and right then, only then, I miss my grandfather. Everyone knows he was a bad guy, I mean, Jesus, my dad changed our last name and everything. But I have this picture in my head, it’s—it seems stupid, I know, but it feels like something. We’re under the staircase in my childhood house, I’m about five, and we’re dancing. I’m standing on his feet, my hands are around his waist and my ear is pressed against his belly. .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILLIAM: I want my life to be a movie, so I created my own sound track. (Deep voice.) This is my narrating voice over music, as I run in Central Park. (Running while creating inspirational noise that can be music.) I began my training at age three, running from my mother, when she wanted to wipe my runny nose. It was my dream to be in the New York Marathon someday, but the conflict was I didn’t live in New York, and I wasn’t old enough to drive to the metropolis of my dreams. (Singing ins.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    6-9
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a fairy under my pillow. There really is! She doesn’t talk or anything but I hear her wings flapping at night. Mom says it’s just a fly cuz they make noise when they buzz around close to my light, but she doesn’t know. Adults don’t see fairies. Only kids. I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Fort Lauderdale and it’s five minutes to midnight, New Year’s Eve. Girls wearing stiletto heels and too much eyeliner teeter across the boardwalk like acrobats. Strobe lights from clubs wash our faces with green and red lights, and someone in an alley is already throwing up. Josh, the boy I love, is walking six feet ahead of me with another girl, Claudia, whom he just met at the hotel pool. Claudia looks like Julie Christie from an old movie I saw on the p.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    15-17
    YEARS OLD
    Vodka was my first science experiment. I was seven. Nine. I can’t remember. I was a kid. It was winter. My father and I were at the kitchen table and he handed me a bottle of Stoli. That’s what Russians do to stay warm, you know. Drink lots of vodka. We moved to Brooklyn when I was two but in some ways it’s like they never left. So, he hands me the bottle and says, “Max,” he says, “put it in the freezer. Wait two h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    It’s my bed and I like it untucked! You claim every morning that my bed is not made correctly. The sheets don’t need to be tucked in if I’m just going to throw the comforter over it. I don’t even understand why I have to make it. No one comes into my room while I’m at school and when I come back, I’m just going to get back into bed, so what’s even the point of making it? You are so anal about everything! You move stuff around constantly. I went to find my favorite sweatshirt in my bottom drawer th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    LARK: My name is Lark. My Mama named me that. I would have liked a normal name, like Brian or Ricky, but I ain’t that lucky. (Realizing and excited.) Lucky would be a better name too! I once saw a show with a character named Lucky. He had spiked hair and I liked it. My hair is.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    6-10
    YEARS OLD
    I wish I didn’t have to sleep in my parents’ room. I mean, they don’t make me or anything, but I always end up there. I have my own room down the hall. Mom calls it lavender but it’s really purple. I got to redo it after my brother moved into a bigger room. And I have this way cool mural on the wall with ballerinas and mermaids and an awesome quilt on my bed with a picture of Ariel on it. She’s so beautiful. I want to look like her when I g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-28
    YEARS OLD
    I had my first speaking roll on a T.V. show today. Can you believe it? Me! I was sooo nervous! I hardly slept last night! I was terrified my alarm wouldn’t go off, so I kept waking up to check it. Then I was terrified I’d forget one of my three lines or mix up the names or something and call Mr. Dawson Mr. Mason and Mrs. Mason Mr. Dawson. My stomach was doing flip-flops all morning. I even arrived an hour early, which never happens. I was so excited to go to hair and make-up and sit by the stars. But when I got there, my tongue felt like it was covered in peanut butter and I didn’t say a word. It’s kind of a strange feeling because everyone just assumes you know what’s going on, so you have to keep asking questions, like “Are you the hair person?.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    No sex. That’s a big one. To me, sex is just so annoying to go through all that emotional hubbub and then get what…three, maybe four if your partner is that good, seconds of happiness? And then you have to shower and it’s just too much effort. So if the apocalypse were coming next week, “hypothetically,” the first thing I would do is give up sex. And like, all sex, because even oral is just too much freakin’ work. And knowing of the impending doom, the guy’ll probably want to stick ar.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DEE: I love the beginning of a new day. I try to pretend it's the beginning of everything. This is the very first day, I tell myself. The first and last day of my life. Like one of those insects. The Mayfly is it? I read about it in a book. They are born, live and die in twenty-four hours. Perhaps time moves differently for them, do you think? Perhaps they live eighty years in those twenty-four hours. Today is a new day and I have to live it to the full. Do all the things I ever wanted to.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    All they do is talk to each other. I don’t understand. We aren’t in this business to “talk” to one another. We’re in it to win. I mean isn’t that what being an actor is all about? Winning and shining and showing the world how much more unbelievably incredible you are than all the “normies” out there. Well, I’ve had it with these New York actors marching into our L.A studio with their theatre laced resumes and their artistically different headshots! (Starting to open up a few of her shirt buttons to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Does this make me look fat? Actually, don’t even answer that, David. Of course you would say yes; you’re suck a dick. Yeah, you’re my husband but you’re a dick nonetheless. You secretly wish I had the dimensions of a supermodel: 34, 26 and 36. I’ve seen your collection of my Victoria Secret catalogues that .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Okay. So. When I sleep with Dennis at night, he makes this absolutely horrendously inexplicably God-awful snoring sound. Only it's, like, worse than snoring. It's like. It's like: (She imitates the sound.) And I recently I started having... nightmares. Vivid, detailed nightmares. And I sometimes wonder, “Am I going to do in life what I'm doing in these nightmares?” They always start with Dennis coming home from work. He asks me what's for dinner and I want to say, "Wh.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-55
    YEARS OLD
    I’m on the corner of ninth and fifth…twenty fifth avenue…in the Village…where I live with Donna…when I see Donna and this guy I don’t know or want to know, walking down the street…and there’s this vibe between them. You know…So they stop and Donna introduces me…I say hi…and then she goes on to say how she was sitting in Washington Square Park and so-and-so invited her to go sailing on his boat,.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m done looking for a good man in New York City! I’ve been cat fished by cuckoos, cat-called by creepers. This is driving me freaking crazy! I just walked through Harlem and I swear, it felt like I was in the jungle itself. I’ve never heard so many different animal calls in my life. (Beat) “Hey Yo! Ma…waasssuuup!” What is that? In the south we have a thing called chivalry? Is that the street corner version of romance? So I thought, “Let me try the Bronx” because I love A Bronx Tale and I can be like Robert De Niro said. You know, I .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was journaling today about crumbs and selling myself short. I got into all the usual “poor me” stuff. You know how you do? Well, maybe you don’t, but I sure do. I was trying to figure out where I went wrong when, all of a sudden, I had this childhood memory that I’d totally forgotten about. It was about my father. He was a real bastard when we were growing up. He’s sober now; so’s my Mom. But then? Whoa. He used to clock me in the head when I said something he didn’t like. I mean so hard it made my head spin. I told my mom and she didn’t believe me, said I was making it up. Well, that made it worse. Now I was ostracized by both of them. I was determined to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    16-22
    YEARS OLD
    You don’t get it! I’ve been afraid of my father all my life. Trying to understand why he did it to my sister, trying to feel her pain and wishing it would go away. I remember my mother in the hospital… Now it was just me, my dad and sister. Everything seemed fine until he put us to sleep that night. I remember hearing my sister scream; I opened my eyes and saw.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    7-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you're going to have to face it sooner or later: I'm just not a girlie girl. I know you love that dress you bought me and I'm sorry that it was so expensive and all but, well, it has a lot of unnecessary sparkly things on it, don't you think? I just don't get sparkles. They don't do anything to hold the dress tog.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    MRS. BURNS looking disheveled: I know I look like shit..I don't care. My day started out okay. I left my house early, I caught the train right away, I got out and ordered a large coffee and my favorite a bagel with cream cheese, lox and onion and I was on my way to see you people. I finish my bagel and I reach into my pocket and realize I am out of Altoids. I have coffee, lox and onion breath. I can't be out of Altoids. And no other mint will do. Altoids: t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    MAUREEN: Do I look like a virgin? Why would you assume I’m a virgin? Look… Father O’Brien… I don’t need this stress. I come to you for counseling, not judgment. For you to say I should be proud to be a virgin is insulting. You don’t know me. I could be a slut on one of those interstate rest stops for all y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Damn teenagers baring children. Why some people bother I’ll never know. They come in here full. Proud of their bellys. Carrying suitcases for their brief stay. Holding onto their husband’s hand. Sweating and nervous. You don’t need a stethoscope to hear their hearts beating away with every second. I’ve seen so many come and go through here, like there was a sale in a department store, and they had to beat the crowd to get their first. Young and irresponsible. Can’t wait to grow up. Getting married. Hopping into bed. In such a rush it’s pathetic. Barely able to take care of themselves. It amazes me, how they expect to take care of an infant with all the.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.25min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    It's not a big deal, you asking to hold the remote. Why would you say that? I mean, I can let go. I don't need to be in control. I am totally and completely the master of letting go, totally and completely relaxed -- wait! Stop, you fast-forwarded too far. That's not a commercial; that's the show. But it's okay. Just hit the little button with the circle arrow on it -- yeah, e.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m busting my chops trying to make a decent living for us. No matter what I do we never seem to get ahead. Something always manages to bring us down. And that’s what a child would do to us now. Put us in so much debt. Ever since you got this bug in your head about having a kid you’ve been jumping my bones the minute I walk through the door. And it’s driving me up the wall. I’m scared. The responsibility is terrifying. I get my hands on a little kid, there’s no telling what I may do. I’ve got my father’s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-60
    YEARS OLD
    BETTY: (Looking stage left. Yelling at RICKY.) Ricky, please do not stand on the furniture. It is very expensive, I’m sure. Get your fingers out of your mouth! (To DOCTOR.) My apologies. I just can’t control him. Ricky was such a sensible man…when I married him. It was after the ten years of marriage that he began to act… insane. Yes, I have examples. I have a ton of examples. You think I would come here, and say my husband is crazy without examples…? (To .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My sister is gay. I can’t believe it. (Beat) She did it again. Mother fucker upstaged me at our family reunion again! I’m the gay one, not her. What the fuck? I’m the one who spent my teen years wearing flannel and secretly masturbating to Heather Locklear while telling everyone I was more of a “Dylan” girl when, in fact, it was Donna Martin who set my fire ablaze on “Beverly Hills 90210.” Ahhhh she’s always doing this! Since we were kids any time I had big news or some sort of “revelation”, she always had something more important o.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-35
    YEARS OLD
    The first shoes I recall owning were not Jimmy Choos or Prada or even Kenneth Coles. I wore brown hand-me-down orthopedic oxfords. Everyone else was sporting these cute little paten leather Mary Janes and I’d come clunking along in my orthopedic oxfords. And not just sometimes. They were the only pair of shoes I owned. My mother was a product of the depression and there was nothing wasted in our house. Two pair of shoes were simply out of the question. No sneakers, no cute little black sporty numbers for a change of pace. Just standard issue basic brown orthopedic oxfords. You can imagine how attractive I felt going to church in them with my blue pleated mini skirt and my canary yellow stockings. I don’t think I would have minded so much if there had been a purpose to this exercise, but as far as I can glean to this day, I got them because my sister needed them. Therefore, it somehow followed that I must need them too. My sister was born toeing in.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    Overtime shootout. It’s up to me to keep us in the game and the playoffs. Stick handling the puck toward the goalie, I pull a deke. Drop the shoulder…shoot…CLINK!!! Vulcanized rubber hits solid steel. I hit the post. The other team jumps off the bench, victorious, while I hang my head and slowly skate over to my team. I mumble a sad, “Sorry guys,” and look over at the college recruiters talking to some of the athletes on the other team. If only I’d shot half an inch to the left! Then maybe those scouts would be over here. I slink.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    14-20
    YEARS OLD
    Tripping over her words while giving an explanation to her boyfriend’s parents about the birthday gift she gave him, which they seem to think, was inappropriate. Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham, I heard that you were upset about the birthday gift I gave to your son. When buying this gift, I did not realize that either of you would be upset. It was an inappropriate gift, I see that now and I want to apologize for putting the two of you in an uncomfortable position. I hope that you will not take this out on Sean, because I can honestly say he had nothing to do with it. He is as innocent as a baby. I do not want him to be in trouble, because if he does get in trouble, then it is my wrongdoing that put him in .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    Mister, you can't park here! The ice cream truck will be here any minute! If you park here he might not stop and I've got money from my mom and I'm gonna get a chocolate cone with sprinkles. I know you can't hear him. That's cuz he's not here yet but I got a text from Francine that he's on her block and he always comes to our block next. Well, he's not actually at Francine's block yet but he will be soon. She got a text from her BFF Charlene that he's almost at her house and you know he alwa.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    TOMMY: I can explain why I’m in the bushes. I’m hiding from you. Wait- that didn’t’ come out right, officer. Let me try again. Miranda! Miranda, the girl who screamed “Peeping Tom!” and pointed to me and ran. Yeah, that’s the one. She told me to hide in the bushes. So you see, I can’t be a stalker if the person who accused me of stalking asked me to hide in the bushes. Oh, I can explain that .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    He said I wasn’t black enough. Excuse me? What color was I when I walked in the casting room? Was I purple today or a nice shade of lime green? Last time I checked I was always black enough to audition for the role of a black person. So, I’m all ready to read for Macbeth. I’ve been practicing my Shakespeare for weeks. “Was the hope drunk. Wherein you dressed yourself? Hath it slept since?” I began my monologue and was interrupted suddenly by a “Ahem, a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    50-75
    YEARS OLD
    I don't have any pictures from when I was young and in the theater. When I was almost thirty and thought, "Oh, enough of the arts. Let me get a job that actually pays," I found a job...And the woman in charge was such an aggressive bitch - excuse my language - and companies would work with her for about three months and then say for.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    JOE: All right, you're on. If mine is better, you have to go out and get lemon meringue pies and cigarettes. Mom and Dad were having this dinner party and, Pitz, I'm so cold. …and I was sitting at the top of the stairs, you know looking through the railings and there in the hallway, this very elaborate table with desserts on it. There was this one dish that looked like white mounds that peaked into little beige points, like a pair of tits to me. Maybe that was the attraction. Anyway I knew I'd… don't cheat… I'd have to have whatever it was. So I waited until I could make my move. I hung onto the .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-40
    YEARS OLD
    Excuse me? Excuse me. Excuse me. There seems to be some confusion here. I ordered plain. Yes. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. No, it’s not. I saw them put cheese on it. I don’t have to open it. I saw. Can you just please have them make me a plain one? Thank-you. No, not that one. I don’t want a pre-made one. It’ll have pickles on it. The last time I got pickles, and I hate pickles. They infect the taste. You can’t even cover it with ketchup. Have them make a fresh one. Well, please ask t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    (Looks into distance, gasps) Franklin. (Signals with hand) Get over here; get over here; come here right now! Franklin. What does Daddy say to do when he calls your name? Get your ass over here. Exactly. Now, I saw you hit that little girl with a stick. I SAW IT. And now I have her mother right here yelling in my face. Hold on, ma'am, I'm talking to my son - I'm ta.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    16-40
    YEARS OLD
    So anyway, he was like, “Come on! Lets go home!” And I was like, “I don’t wanna go home! I’m having a super duper, great and fun time! All my friends are here and it’s a nice day and there’s so many things to do and see and smell!” And he was like, “Fine! 15 more minutes,” and I was like, “YES!! 15 more minutes!! Whoo hoo!!” So anyway, that’s why I’m still here. Hi, I’m Parker (Or Dotty), by the way! I probably should have introduced myself before I told you that whole story, but whatever. Poop happens! Haha. Hey, speaking of poop, I saw you take.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Someone save me from my postgraduate HELL!!! I am two seconds away from murdering my unforgiving pimp, also known as Sallie Mae! I'm convinced she has no soul. Can I live, Sallie?! Can I enjoy my post graduate existence without the daily reminders that the astronomical debt that I know I signed my life away to pay will be due in 6 short months? Trust me, I haven’t forgotten, so please STOP sending me bills, that aren't really bills. S.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    Dear heavenly Father, I'd like to pray for forgiveness on behalf of that floozy that has disrupted and disrespected this heavenly place, (BEAT) by failing to wear pantyhose with that blasphemous short skirt. I know you have room in your heart for all heathens and sinners, but really, HER? Are you out of lightning bolts or something? I know for a fact that she has .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    Congregation, we are gathered here today to hear a word this morning. I just want to tell you there is a God somewhere. Before I bless this here congregation with a little (singing) Amazing Grace, (Beat) Sister Jenkins, I think it’s about that time. Time for my favorite part of the sermon: It’s collection time! Now congregation, the Lord knows when he’s being short changed, so don’t be throwing no change in my c.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    It can’t be positive. The test must be wrong. No, no, no! Not me. This stuff happens to other girls like Tara or Melissa, but not me! They’re always hanging around with the bad boys, going to parties and telling their parents they’re studying together. I’m the good kid. I get straight A’s on everything – math, science, history, you name it. I take piano lessons and go to dance class. I sell Girl Scout cookies every year. I’m even learning Chinese. Mandarin, to be exact. Do you know how .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In different voice) “Hello.” (In normal voice) Oh my god, Debra, just say hello like a normal person. “HELLO.” There we go! “Hello, I'm Debra. How are you? HOW are you? How are YOU? I am very, very, very good, thank you. I am so excited for this interview. So excited I feel I could urinate all over the place-- just pee everywhere because I'm so excited.” No, that's dumb. Just be a normal human being, Debra. “W.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, I need fifty dollars for the restaurant for prom night. And fifty for my date. And the guy who is booking it is on the phone and I have to go to the bathroom. Can you just talk to him? Give him your credit card number or something? I know it makes me over on my allowance this week but this is prom! I don’t know if it was a big deal in your day, but let me tell you it’s a very big deal now. And Courtney is expecting a great night and so are .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    That’s right, officer. I want an attorney present. I’m not answering that either. So, appoint me one. Somebody cute. Get lost, you bum. So, I got a big mouth. I’ve got respect for myself, which is more than I can say for you. I wouldn’t be caught dead in a shirt like that. And that tie. Your wife must be colorblind. You’re not married? It figures. One look at you is enough to sink a ship. Where am I from? Nova Scotia. What do I care if you believe me? Yes. Lisa Hansen’s my real name. Check it. Double check it. Quadruple check it. Go ahead and hit me. I’d love to see you try. A cocksucker like you don’t scare me. I know I’m in trouble. L.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, can we get a puppy? Can we name him after Dad? Do you think that would be confusing to have two Dads in the same house? I know you don’t think I’ll walk him, but I will, I swear I will. Larissa has two puppies. And she says they’re no problem at all. Well, except that the new one, Morgan, pees on the rug a lot, but her Mom says that’s normal. And he chewed her new sneakers, which made her Dad mad cuz he paid for them. And he ate the corner off the coffee table - not the Dad, the dog. But it’s OK because he ate the opposite corner the next week, s.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    23-35
    YEARS OLD
    It's a great question, Mr. Andrews! Thank you so much for asking! What makes me a qualified candidate to display the shoes here at Target? Oh my...so many things!...uh...well, I worked with a meth head. During my internship in my final year of college. Debbie Mitchell. I was so jealous of her! She was so thin - I was so jealous! Haha! I never did it because of what it did to her skin. But ya know? Thinking back...just a little make-up made the sores almost unnoticeable. She wore a vintage 2000 lace Luis Vuitton dress to our inte.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Can I borrow that pen? I mean, I'm sorry, I usually always have a pen -- big believer in pens, love pens. Some people, they like their phones and iPads and whatnot, but me, I like a good ol' pen. And some paper, of course. Don't work too well without that, the pen. But I was leaving the house in a hurry because I got this lett.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    So, I saw this post on Instagram that said, "If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die." That is, of course, unless you have a bad breakup. Then you will certainly die a most horrible death. Guaranteed. It will probably begin with some antagonizing alliteration where alligators delightfully devour your semi lifeless limbs like a delicious appetizer. Or they could strip you and expose your naked truth and proceed to rape your soul, figuratively speaking, of course. They could delve into the details o.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was ancient. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone r.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    Thanks, Molly. Some single moms should’ve kept their knees together, right? Don’t interrupt. I’ve tolerated your unsolicited advice, the staring, eye rolling, and you parenting my kids in front of me. I notice the assumptions that I’m irresponsible, disorganized, and even undesirable. You spew stories about your sister, Meg, whose house is never messy, who’s never late, and who is always put-together like she stepped off a Good Housekeeping-had-a baby-with-Vogue magazine. Meg-the-“single-mom” is engaged to an actual h.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    19-25
    YEARS OLD
    It’s over. I just have to accept it as a done deal. She’s over me. I thought our relationship was clear and loving and full of trust and understanding but I was misled. But I guess this was meant to happen eventually. (Beat) Reduced Sugar…reduced sugar…reduced…oh God I can’t even say it anymore…sugar (shudders). Yesterday my Mother bought me Reduced Sugar Frosted Flakes. There’s no coming back from that man, it’s official: My Mom doesn’t love me anymore. I knew turning twenty-three was going to be challenging what with getting AARP notices in the mail already,.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    I’m gonna try being a lesbian for a while. Of course I can try! Samantha from “Sex and the City” did. I’ve done some reflecting lately. And it was while I was indulging in a bowl of fresh guacamole that I had this epiphany. I remembered what you always say…“How do I know I don’t like something unless I try it?” Once upon a time I hated guacamole until I tried it. So how do I know I don’t like girls unless I try dating them? Recently all the men I meet are the same with their commit.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: Are the ropes too tight Deborah? Grunt if they are. Good. I wouldn’t want you to be uncomfortable. (SHE GRABS A KNIFE AND WALKS AROUND THE CHAIR.) You have a very nice grunt- Are you a singer? I always wanted to be a singer. Just one problem – I can’t sing. I sound like a wet cat when I croon in the shower. (Sing.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    I remember him like it was yesterday, sitting there on that bus. I had to admire his spunk. He knew he was the laughing stock of the group, but he just stared out the window and pretended he didn’t notice. He must have been lonely. I don’t ever remember him having a friend. “Rodney-the-Toad.” I first came across Rodney when he was in tenth grade. He was smaller than the other students and quite stout. He wore thick glasses to correct his poor vision and he was quite unkempt. An avid reader, on his lunch break he liked to sit cross-legged on the floor engrossed in the weirdest, most obscure SciFi he could get his hands on. He did give the impression of being toad like. Thus, the nickname. He spoke with a pronounced lisp, but always with great authority and animation. Yep – Rodney was a walking target for humiliation. It didn’t seem to bo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Roger Rabbit. (beat) Just kidding. Roger Stein. Stein as in a stein of beer. (beat) Pre-K. Loved every second. Four and five is a great age to be. (beat) By the way, Mister Evans, I do a great impersonation of Barney. (beat) Thirteen year’s experience. That comes out to…what…four thousand seven hundred and forty five days. (beat) Oh, well, I’m an idiot savant like the brother in Rain Man. (beat) Rain Man. The movie with Tom Cruise and Dustin Hoffman. (beat) Duh! And what rural hick planet are you from? (beat) Tulsa, O.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    8-14
    YEARS OLD
    Mom, you don’t understand! I can’t go back to school because the lunch lady hates me. Stop laughing, I’m serious! You know that mysterious “stomach flu” I had last month? Yeah, well Doctor Klein said it was probably due to nerves and Mr. Doctor guy was right, but what he didn’t know is that my nerves are also twisted with a side of rotten pudding! Yeah, that’s right, Mrs. Bootin, the lunch lady, served me expired pudding!!! I could tell because, not only was there a l.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    My cousin died today. She was 44 years old. 44. I don’t know…as I say it, it sounds older than it is. When I was a kid, I thought 40 was old. Well, I’m not a kid anymore and believe me, it goes by in a heartbeat. We grew up together; laughed and ran on the beach with her dogs, first Samson, then Moxie. They were beautiful Labradors. She was a city girl and didn’t like getting her feet scratched on the rocks, so she always wore sneakers or sandals, even in the water. I remember thinking it was weird. How is it possible that she was so alive and full of energy then and now in a blink, she’s gone? Will anyone remember her? Did her struggles in life really matter? I hear she’s being cremated. So her body won’t even be left behind. It’s so strange. Surreal. Whe.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    16-18
    YEARS OLD
    I have never been so nervous in my life! Mom and Dad got me this tutor and she comes to the house once a week and helps me cram all this stuff into my head. I was doing okay at first, but now everything is just a jumbled mess, like I turned dyslexic overnight or something. I can barely focus. I’m breaking into a cold sweat. My whole world is riding on this on.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-50
    YEARS OLD
    I killed my mother today. Psych! I didn’t kill her. I just imagined it in detail. Do you think that makes me unbalanced? Oh, come on, like you’ve never thought about it. Everyone wants to strangle their mom at least once in a lifetime, right? I mean it’s not like I did it or anything. But if I had, I would have lured her into the basement. The only problem with that plan is she has a bad hip and the stairs bother her, but I’d get her down there somehow because that’s where she’d be least likely to be hea.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t know…I just had a funny feeling. It’s hard to explain…you experience it sort of. I’ve always had odd feelings tell me things. It’s the schizophrenia. I’ll go into this place in my mind, where you experience this special feeling…everything is deep purple…almost black…and I feel so high I think I’ll faint........
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    7-11
    YEARS OLD
    I think I’m gonna do my science project on laughing. I love to laugh, even when it gets me in trouble. I giggled in math class the other day cuz Justin Murphy was making cross-eyed faces at everyone in the back seats. He cracks me up! He’s sooooo funny. Anyways, the teacher got mad at me cuz I giggled the loudest of anyone. It was one of those great big belly laughs, ya know? I couldn’t help it! The guy’s hysterical! And I don’t think the teacher was really mad cuz when I couldn’t stop laughing, she cracked up too and then .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    12-16
    YEARS OLD
    A touchdown in the third quarter, heading into the fifth inning now, he’s about to shoot the ball when the goalie swoops in and blocks the shot! The crowd goes wild and the cheerleaders…well…they cheer and all is well in the world with the LakerMetsRangers and cheeseheads alike fan themselves and reach for the dip. (Beat) At least that’s what my friends do. It’s not me. Is it so bad that instead of running track or doing layups across the gym floor, I’m actually under the bleachers listening to track number 3, .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    RACHEL: Gum girl, gum girl? The bitch called me gum girl! Of course I said, "No" when she ask me to marry her. And besides that, she's a woman. Eeewwwww! Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I'm all for gay marriage. I mean, if two people of the same sex want to get married, then they should. I put the equal signs on my Facebook page. Oh, and my uncle’s neighbor’s best friend is gay, so I don't have a proble.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    8-13
    YEARS OLD
    I love baseball. I love everything about it. I think I know every stat on every player ever! I especially love going to the ballpark with my dad. We’ve been going to watch the Yankees since I can remember. We have our own jerseys and everything. Dad’s says Rodriguez on the back cuz he’s a big A-Rod fan and mine, of course, says Jeter. We wear our ball caps and I take my glove incase I catch a ball that flies into the stands. I came close once but I wasn’t tall enough and this big guy by my dad caught it. I love when we first walk inside Yankee Stadium with the smell of the hotdogs and popcor.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    (She falls) Owwwww. Oh God I did it again didn’t I? Aw man I’m always falling and this time I think I see birds, no no wait those aren’t birds, they’re stars! Yeah there’s Shirley Temple and over there is Britney Spears, god is she ugly in person. Oh my God it’s The Beatles. (putting on a British accent) Hi guys it’s certainly been a hard day’s night for me ..as you can see I’ve take another tumble. Ok well, bye bye then. Oh how cool! There’s J-Lo!! Eeesh! What is.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    KERRI: I have often thought about having a sex change. Not for me, but for my husband. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a lesbian. And, I love Dick. ‘Dick’ is my husband. I love Dick, but that thing between his legs just drives him to do horrible stuff. At night instead of watching television with me, he pretends to be working on the computer in the next room, but I know he watches Internet .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    JUNE: Doc, I think I've figured out what is going on with me. I am a gay guy trapped inside a straight woman's body. Now, hear me out, hear me out. When I go shopping for eye make up, I don't think, "I'll get pastels." I think, "I want something fierce." (Pause) Okay, every time I take a shower I sing a different Judy Garland song. I know everybody loves Judy Garland but when I started to .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    11-18
    YEARS OLD
    Why is it that every time I think I have an answer for something, I don’t. My mother told me that Aunt Cindy was depressed and I should spend some time with her. I thought that shopping would be the perfect thing to cheer her up. We could try on clothes, she could buy me something - just like when I was little. Turns out that there are things that shopping can fix, and things it can’t. We used to have so much fun. She was not fun this morning. Finally, we stop for lunch. I decide to take t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Ok, I’m not gonna lie. I think I may be drunk. But the thing is, I’m not really sure what that means. You see tonight I got together with the girls at Bunny’s cousins house and they were drinking these drinks out of these teeny tiny little cups and I was just thinking…”How cute” it’s like cups for Mickey mouse!!! I couldn’t resist so I asked Bunny if she could get me one. She kind of looked at me like “ya sure?” and I was like “ya’huh” and then she was all “you know it’s jibbijabboowaheew.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-25
    YEARS OLD
    I love signs! People write the craziest stuff on them. Sometimes they write funny things on purpose. You know, clever. Like the hair salon named “Curl up and Dye” or the sign on the funeral home that says, “Drive carefully, we’ll wait.” And sometimes there are signs that can be fun depending upon the way you interpret them. One of my personal faves is “Slow Children Crossing.” You usually see it in school zones or in the burbs. Now, what I wanna know is where.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    James, what the hell are you thinking? You’re gonna go out there by yourself against seven guys? How many bullets are in your gun? Six, right? Six bullets, seven guys. What are you gonna d.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    WENDY: Single people have always frightened me. I mean, they have to make decisions on their own. That could be dangerous. I can’t even buy a pack of gum without consulting my husband. “Should I buy the sugar free gum?” I ask. “No, you are super allergic to that artificial sweetener in that one.” He says. See. I could have died if I was single. And the hunting mode single people go into at social functions- it is .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    18-23
    YEARS OLD
    Beauty is more than skin deep. I mean, it’s great that people want a person’s heart to count for more than what is on the outside…I get that. I do…but what about the people who have nothing else? I know you think my dropping out of law school to study cosmetology seems crazy to you guys, but Mom, Dad…it’s what makes me happy. Makeup makes me happy. Applying makeup to people makes me happy. We live in a society where human beings judge their fellow inhabitants first and foremost on what they look like; you know, what color their eyes are, does their hair color match their skin tone, is the color nail polish they’re wearing an in.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    DIANE: A homeless man slapped me today. He just stood up. Called me a bitch and slapped me. Mother, is it wrong that I enjoyed it? It was the first time a real man touched me in a very long time. And he smelled like fish and beef, and Lucky Charm.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.25min
    35-65
    YEARS OLD
    It could be lonely, laying in bed on a Friday night, just drunk enough not to be awake, just sober enough that sleep's impossible. Especially lonely because I'm in bed alone. But it doesn't feel that way. Because the window's open, and outside the city throbs -- the random squeals of traffic, small packs of people wobbling to and from the bars. Well, I say people, but I mean kids. Freshly printed drivers licenses ready to be.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    My doctor said that the treatment will only suck if I don’t spiritually cleanse. He started talking about my aura, religion, and some stuff about sticking a tube down my pants to suck out the neuro-something. But what he didn’t mention was anything about my hair. What’s the saying? Here one day, gone tomorrow….or in my case, hair one day, effing chemically melted by next Tuesday? It’s like they prepare you for all of the psychological and physical things for the chemo they think you need. Like for chicks, the hair thing is major…they’re all in the know about that stuff...but what about me? I don’t think my head is made to feel like a.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-60
    YEARS OLD
    Officer! Oh… you’re investigating a homicide. Well, how can I help? Sure, you can ask me any questions you want. I’m the perfect example of an upstanding citizen, sir. Whatever you need. (Beat) Where was I the night in question? Umm, I can’t tell you that. (beat) Do I have an alibi? Uhh, I can’t tell yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    21-35
    YEARS OLD
    ROGER: (Speaking loud, as if yelling over club music.) So, you’re into hair. Me too. Well not jars of hair. I’m into my own hair. I spend a lot of time on my hair. (Smiling, then realizing.) I’m not queer! (Confused) Is that the right word? “Queer?” Or is it, “heterosexually challenged”? Or, “vagina challenged”? (Noticing a guy across the bar) I bet that guy over there is “challenged”. Look at him dance. You go girl! (Trying to be politically correct.) I like the way he dances. I like .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    35-55
    YEARS OLD
    I don’t want to be stuck, crusty, hard-hearted or angry. (to self) Am I bitter? I’m bitter. I am. I am. NO! Help, God! I am a bitter, almost-middle-aged woman who is barely lady-like because I’ve gotten tough. Hard, and not in the take-on-the-world good way. Uuuh. But I want to be one of those sweet people who well up with tears when someone tells me something beautiful or sad. I want to believe people when they take vows before God in stunning dresses, perfectly gelled h.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    8-16
    YEARS OLD
    I have fifteen dollars and twenty-seven cents in my piggy bank at home, Celia. You can have it all right now if it’ll help. I like the apartment. It’s a little dusty, but it’s really not that bad. I’ve lived in worse places before I got placed with Mr. and Mrs. Welles. They’re super nice to me, not the way the Tiernos were last year. It’s like we’re becoming a real family, like the way you, me, and Mom were before she died. You know, I still have the mark on my arm from the oven incident. You know that time Mr. Tie.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    18-27
    YEARS OLD
    MIRANDA: How shoud I know why he was hiding in the bushes!?! He’s always hiding somewheres. Behind the door. Under my bed. Behind the shower curtain. I do not hang out with him. I do not like his character. I like legit men. Men like you Officer…(Looks at his name on his tag) “Officer Waterson.” (Adjust her hair or breast, to flirt.) You gonna read me my rights or am I going to have to do something illegal? Well, we could go back to my place and I could rip the tag.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    30-45
    YEARS OLD
    I was cooking dinner on the stove when I heard him walk in. I didn't turn to look at him. I wasn't sure if it was going to be a good night or a bad one. The next thing I knew, he was pressed up against my back, the smell of whiskey strong on his breath. He says, "Spaghetti again?" and knocks the pot off.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    15-35
    YEARS OLD
    I am so sorry I’m late. Okay, yes, I know, I am very late. But I have a good reason. I was almost here, when I had to turn around, go back home and change my clothes. I was a mess - covered in mud from head to toe - no kidding - completely covered! Obviously, I couldn’t meet you looking like that. You should have seen me. It was so embarrassing. I stopped and looked around to see if anyone else had noticed. Well, you don’t want to look like an idiot, do yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    JOHNNY: Hi, my name is Johnny McKinney, and I would like to report my wife for spousal abuse. No, she didn’t physically hit me. However, emotionally, for three years now, emotionally and mentally, she has certainly beaten the hell out of me. “Put the toilet seat down, Johnny.” “Do you really need t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Spring is here and we all know what that means. Flowers are in bloom, love is in the air, and I’m trying to find more creative ways to hide my legs. I’m not hiding them for religious reasons or anything, although I should say that’s my excuse from now on, but I’m just a simple girl with simple, run-of-the-mill self-loathing qualities. Thank God for hipsters making woo.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I killed that stalker! He showed up at my front door. I don’t even know how he got my address? (Beat) I always thought he was weird, you know, snooping around the neighborhood, always wearing the same blue outfit. He was always looking so suspicious with those bags and boxes he was carrying around, leaving little packages and envelopes of God-knows-what on doorsteps. The first time he left something on my stoop I thought it was unusual. He knew exactly which month I.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    40-60
    YEARS OLD
    KIRKLAND: Colleen needs to talk with you, Nora. If you stay we could go up to my house tomorrow. I want her to see how light and airy it is up on the hill. I’ve got to get her out of her father’s house. There’s nothing but bad dreams there and she keeps sleeping. If you stay the night... Look, (beat) tomorrow I’ll pack us a picnic lunch. Salmon and cucumber sandwiches, a bottle of Chablis, some hard-boiled eggs, we’ll roll them in salt, eat, walk the property, all 60 acres. It will do you.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    He just plowed me over. Did you see that everyone? I'm standing here about to sit down and he just slips in between me and the seat, and plows me out of the way! You don't deserve that seat now. That seat was rightfully mine. I was standing in front of it. There are no manners in you people anymore. I'm a young girl, with heels on, mind you and would like to sit down and you jackass businessmen think you have the right over someone like me to take their subway seat. What happened to men being chivalrous and polite to women, letting them sit, holding the car door for them, and pushing their chair in at the dinn.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    12-19
    YEARS OLD
    I dreamed I could fly and put my hands through walls. It felt so real to me. And it felt so good. Being special like that. I thought how popular I would be. I’d be like a star. And girls would follow me around. Perhaps. Perhaps my life will change for the better. I would like that. I would like to have a good life. I haven’t totally given up on the idea. No. The idea of living a long life appeals to me more and more. I’m taking better care of myself, too. I am. I’m .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    You don’t understand, it was the single most traumatic experience of my life. WORST WOMEN’S RESTROOM EVER! I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to use a public bathroom ever again. First of all the smell was unlike anything I’ve ever let clog my nostrils. It wasn’t quite urine in itself but like a mix of molded rye bread and kitty litter. Then of course I approached the stall and began to see red. And I’ll spare you further details on that one, but I think you get the point. I’m a bit disgusted with my own kind…women. We.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh come on! You’re kidding me right? Look, dude, I’ve had a really shitty night and I don’t have anything you’d possibly want to rob, so why don’t you just put that toy you call an automatic away and go back to daycare, I’m tired. (beat) Look, seriously, I have nothing for you. Oh what this? This little tiny piece of shit that I got from Target? You think there’s something worthwhile in here? Look at it!! It’s so small I don’t even think my dental dam would fit in here! I’ve just come from one of the worst nights of my life: my boyfriend decided he.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    10-14
    YEARS OLD
    I thought this year would be different. Some of the other girls developed over the summer. And some of them are stuffing their bras now. But they are all still just teasing me. (pause) What nobody understands is that I like to flirt just like everyone else. I’d never actually do anything with a boy. But, I don’t think I’m a tease. What am I supposed to do when guys flirt with me? I guess I just assumed that they wanted to hang out with me, whethe.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    14-21
    YEARS OLD
    My mother is dead, not physically dead, but dead to me. I don’t know what it feels like to have a mother anymore; someone who’s supportive, who you can trust and is always there for her child. The woman who gave birth to me is nothing like the mothers I see on TV. She’s negative in every way. She has a nasty attitude and treats me like I’m garbage. She would never ask if I ate dinner or how my day was. I don’t remember the last time she told me she loved me. I feel her rage trying to get into my soul. She works hard to make me feel bad abou.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: (soaked from head to toe) They really should have directions in the bathroom on how to work the bidet. How was I supposed to know you should not look directly at the bidet when turning it on? It shot up like a geyser! I almost drowned, Marci. (MARCI IS CONFUSED. TRYING TO EXPLAIN.) The bidet! The thing by the toilet in the bathroom! No, it’s not a toilet. I know it looks like a toilet, but it’s not. It’s for cleaning yourself after you use the bathroom. It’s called a bidet and it shoots a very dang.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    My boyfriend says I’ve got “junk in the trunk.” I don’t know why he’s so smug. You ask me, he’s the one carrying a spare tire. Did you know that the spare they carry around in a car is called a donut? How’s a girl supposed to go on a diet with all this food around her? Oh, I’ve tried. Believe me on that one. I should own stock in the diet industry. I’ve Zoned, Atkinsed, Weight Watched, Jenny Craiged and Lucille Robertsed my way through the diet circuit. Remember Susan Powter? “Stop the insanity!” I think she musta’ gone insane cuz no one’s heard of her in a long time. So now I’m thinking of starting my own diet – “The Cardb.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I'm tired. I feel like low-sodium chicken broth. Literally - like I am the base of a soup, but not yet that soup. Just waiting in the box in the fridge. Waiting to be poured out. Waiting to become the soup I will become, but completely unaware of the plan of the cook. And who the hell is the cook? I don't know. I went to Jackie's baby's christening this weekend. That was a mind trip! I saw her breast-feed her child. I mean...I saw her BREAST-FEED HER CHILD. I can't wrap my mind around it. It was way too adult..........
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    I was at Sarah Granville’s party Friday night. Imagine me, unimaginative math dweeb girl invited to the head cheerleader’s party. I mean, I know I got her out of a jam when her parents hired me to tutor her for midterms, but that’s just business. I said, “Me? Are you serious?” “Yeah,” she said, “You’re cool.” Woah! If the heavens had opened up and shone the light of God on me at that very moment, I wouldn’t have been more shocked! I had just been anointed by the goddess of glam herself! OMG, the “cool factor,” a one-way pass to easy street. But then it hit me. Oh Gawd! What would I wear? I ransacked my entire closet for three hours. Nothing. There was not one shred of couture that would make me look any less th.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    Dramatic

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Fly, precious songbird. Fly like the wind and fetch my father before it is too late! Don’t tell him what I’ve done. He’ll find out soon enough. He’ll be so angry when he sees the mess I’ve created. I’ve broken the code. I’ll be taken off of mortal duty for eternity. But who could resist such perfection? She’s certainly worth the affections of royal stock, is she not? Her creamy white skin, as velvety and luxurious as the finest rose; those eyes of cut glass blue; they’re intoxicating! If I didn’t know better, I’d mistake her for an elemental. And those beautifully formed cherry lips. I merely wished to brush against them, to taste their sweetness for the tiniest of moments. And now look what I’ve done! How could I be so irresponsible? Father has warned me since childhood that mortals cannot sustain the vibration of the fairy world. But she ev.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I’m used to it. I float so much I’m turning into a cork. Sometimes it’s better to go with the tide than against it. You can be like water and then you can be like fire. Okay, so I don’t know what any of that crap means, but I read it somewhere once and I find the words comforting. Poetic. Why can’t I be poetic? Why can’t I be a floating cork? It’s better than being a fat pig. When I was a kid they called me a fat tub o’ shit. Oh, you can’t tell now cuz I lost forty pounds the summer I turned fourteen and I’ll starve myself now rather than be fat again. Can you keep a secret? Somet.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-70
    YEARS OLD
    As if this day couldn’t get any worse. Flight delays in Chicago, lost luggage – and then I come home to this. (holds up paper, reads) “Hi Honey, I guess you’re home now, and you seen – (wincing) and you seen that I’m not here. I’m sorry Baby, but I had to go, and I can’t come back. We had some good times, but there - t-h-e-r-e - there over. Roger and I have fallen in love, and I just can’t help myself. Good-bye. Love, Meagan. … “The last four years of my life, g.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    21-36
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, so let’s see what we have on the menu tonight. The usual crowd. Slick Joe at the end of the bar. Been doin’ the same patter for three years. One night he might actually get lucky. God bless him for his tenacity. Randy Andy by the jukebox. Now he’s a sexy little number. That tossled hair does it for me. Then there’s Wayne. A bit of a cokehead, but nice to look at, especially when he’s playin’ stick. He can lean over a pool table like nobody I know. The thing about being behind the bar is you’ve got your pick of the litter. I mean, all I’d have to do is point and these guys would be all over me, but where’s the sport in that? I want something untamed. Someone to knock me off my rhythm, ya know? .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    I said, “Why don’t we all sit down together and have a coffee and talk everything over?” They laughed at me. The man with the gun got angry. “Why do you teach their children?!” he screamed at me. “You are one of us. Why do you teach these scum’s children?! They are lice! They are shit on the face of the earth!” “What do you want of me?” I asked him. “What of you!” he was still screaming. “We want you to watch. Watch the miracle. We are in charge now. We are taking over.” Jovan looked across at me. He looked sympathetic. It was Pak who too.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    21-45
    YEARS OLD
    Are we done, Joe? Cuz it feels like we’re done. I’m in your bed and I’m pretty sure I’m in your heart, but I’m definitely NOT in your life. You said Monday. Remember? That was after you said Friday. And you were good enough to actually call Friday and tell me it wasn’t going to work and I was fine with that. Really. Because I had Monday to look forward to. I was even lobbying for Sunday and you said maybe, which was hopeful, but then I get a text that Sunday was definitely no good and I don’t even hear from you on Monday. You don’t answer your text or your phone. You just ignore the date and the fact that I exist at all. Somehow you can sext me ad infinitum when there’s no danger of actually seeing me, b.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    Hello there. My name is Bethany, Bethany McGregor, and I’m here to audition (beat). Ok thank you. Well, I’m a performer, no actually I’m a star. Yep that’s right I’m a star. You know when I was in high school I got voted most likely to succeed. Yes…I mean it was just last week, of course I plan to graduate early because…that’s just what I do! Funny how as a joke I was also voted most likely to become an ax murderer. But enough about how great I am, lets talk about how I got so great. Well when I was a little girl I always believed that I was a butterfly.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    13-17
    YEARS OLD
    They don’t get me. Oh, it’s OK. You don’t have to pretend. I know they don’t. I’m different. Not good or bad or anything else. Just different. The part I can’t figure out is why that’s not OK. I mean, who came down from heaven and decreed that everyone has to be the same? Sort of like white bread bologna sandwiches with mayo? Not that I have anything against bologna. I like to eat it sometimes, but not as a steady diet. See, I’ve got this imagination. And it’s cool, at least to me it is. I dream of being a super powered alien from the planet Karpagien who’s come to earth to warn the people o.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    TRISH: This is my first time on a quiet train. (Pause) It's really quiet. When I first heard about it I was like, "Whoa, let me get on that train." Because sometimes you are on a train and you just want to read or go to sleep and someone will be like blah blah blah. Well, you're reading so you must know what I mean. Can you imagine if you were on the other train? HA! .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-70
    YEARS OLD
    What do you think of the Rorschach test? Now they’re saying it’s based on a Swiss Parlor game. Years ago they said it was based on clouds. A man looked up at the sky and saw clouds move and got this idea. These young people are constantly trying to re-create history. History is a mystery. Leave it alone. Why not create something uplifting? I illustrated five of the Pippi Longstocking books and was Art Director for McCalls all before I was thirty and this was in the fifties. I’m in Who’s Who. Of course this made me very anxious. My mother a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-30
    YEARS OLD
    A stripper kicked me in the eye! VEGAS! Look, I was minding my own business when I noticed that the guy in the booth next to us had two strippers dancing on him. That’s just greedy, you know? What about all the other sad, lonely men? One of the strippers was impressive. She had her leg up on the divider like this. (mimics stripper by holding leg up and attempts dancing with her leg raised, but badly) I used to be a dancer. I didn’t think anything of it, laughed a little and went back to .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    SAM: I gotta be honest with you, Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there, just admitted to all her girlfriends that, she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to swim in a pool where wome.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    DONNA: I gotta be honest with you Frank. I don’t think you should be wearing a thong in the gym pool. (Pointing.) That lady over there just admitted to all her girlfriends that she laughed so hard at you, and your thong, she peed in her swimsuit. I don’t want to sw.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    30-40
    YEARS OLD
    I saw her today. She was glorious. Right on time, as always. Two o’clock on the dot. I love a woman who’s punctual, just like me. It was really by luck I noticed her in the first place, but since I have, I can’t keep my eyes off of her. Milky white skin, French manicure on those long luxurious fingers. Her only vice is her smoking. I usually hate smokers, but not this one. If it weren’t for her smoking, I would never have known her. Well, I don’t actually know her, but I feel like I do. I know her every fantasy and desire. I can sense her. She works in a cubicle, like me, uses number 10 pencils to check her work, like me. She’s an old-fashioned girl; likes to check documents by hand before entering them into the computer. She arrives to the office early everyd.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    This has been my dream since I was a little fella. I saw my first horse when I was four years old. A Belgian workhorse on my Daddy’s farm. She was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, chocolate brown with a long sleek mane; white snowflakes on each ankle and a diamond swoosh on her nose. That’s the moment I knew I was born to ride. My Daddy told me no. I was too young and the horse was just a colt. Not broke yet. But I didn’t listen. I sneaked out to the stables at the crack of dawn. Thunderbolt. That was her name. I rubbed her down and talked to her and told her I was gonna be a jockey. But she didn’t care. She just liked the attention. I fed her and brushed her and treated her like the Queen of Sheba. I went out there everyday for a month, up with the first light.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    Where have you been, under a rock? Haven’t you watched the news? You’ll never in a million years guess what happened to me today! You know my twin brother, Alex, right? Well, we had band practice today so we both brought our instruments and metronomes. You know, those annoying things that tick like a clock and help you keep your tempo even? So I’m minding my own business in math class trying to figure out the square root of who-knows-what when the fire alarm goes off and we all have to evacuate the building. I’m thinking, “Yeah! No more math!” And I’m standing there on the lawn e.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    35-50
    YEARS OLD
    Just a minute, young man, come over here. Do you know what I found in the back seat of my car? Hmm? (holds up a tiny piece of something)…I know it’s a piece of foil wrapping. Don’t be a smart ass…It wasn’t too small for me to figure it out, and I know that you’ve seen it before…That’s right, it’s a piece of a condom wrapper. I thought I’d clean up my car today…Don’t interrupt. If you HAD cleaned it well, I wouldn’t have found this, would I? Now, I’m actuall.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    6-12
    YEARS OLD
    Arrrrg! I can’t stand it. If I have to make one more project cover, I’m going to scream. I like doing my homework, but why does everything have to have a title page? I can’t draw, all right? My teacher says everyone can draw, and mine look great. Right! She’s paid to say that. It’s not true. I did a project.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love you. I enjoy being with you; I enjoy our laughter. I like seeing you smile, especially when it lights up your whole face. I love you. I do. But sometimes it’s not enough. It’s not enough to outweigh all the things I don’t say. In my deepest silences I’m afraid to admit the truth because I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to hurt you. If anyone should get hurt, it should be me because I c.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    15-18
    YEARS OLD
    He was mad when he found out what I done. That’s where I got this shiner. But I don’t care. I ain’t never goin’ back there. You can’t imagine what he’s like when he’s drinkin’, which is most o’ the time. Unless he’s passed out. He wasn’t as bad when Mama was alive, but he was still pretty awful. I don’t know how she stood it. They say she died givin’ birth to my baby sister, but I think she died of a broken heart. So I raised her babies; wiped their noses and changed their diapers. I had to steal money to feed ‘em off his dresser when he was passed out and I took the whoopin’ when he woke up. But they got food and they went to sch.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    16-21
    YEARS OLD
    Did you hear that? I love the sound of the train whistle late at night. Makes me think of all those old movies with stowaway kids and vagabonds. All that adventure! Wouldn’t it be nice to just hop on a train and not know where you were headed? Fall asleep and wake up in some midwestern town ready to explore? I know, I’ve watched too much Disney Channel…but wouldn’t it be cool if you could leave everything behind and just start over? No worries about anything. Jus.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-50
    YEARS OLD
    As the lights come up, we see a woman trying on a ring in a jewelry store and talking to the clerk. Oh, it’s absolutely stunning! I’ve never seen anything quite like it. Now, you say it’s a one-of-a-kind? George won’t let me buy anything that’s mass produced. He has a thing that way. So, how many karats are the diamonds? Lovely. Inspecting the ring. Oh yes, yes. I see exactly what you mean. I’ll probably pay cash for it. Of course, I can’t buy it today. I want George to see it first and he has a big meeting this afternoon. Too bad. I would have liked to wear it to dinner tonight. It’s our anniversary. Begins to remove the ring, but can’t get it off her finger. Oh, dear. It appears to be stuck. My hands always swell in the summer. I’m sure I can get it off. It’s no problem. She tries licking her knuckle. It still won’t budge. Smiling weakly. Maybe I should get it after all. Do you accept Visa? I’m sure George will approve. She pales .......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    That wind is loud tonight! It always makes me anxious. I keep waiting for the windows to shatter and the roof to tear off the house. I know I’m too old to hide under the covers in my bed, but secretly I do sometimes. Don’t tell anyone. I’d be the laughing stock around here. Like the bed sheets could keep me safe anyway. I’d run to the cellar, but everyone would think I’m nuts. And I guess I am in a way or I wouldn’t be so jumpy. It’s not that kind of storm. Logicall.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I love him, Mom, but I don’t think I can marry him tomorrow. I ordered these shoes from Paris two months ago and I was not only promised they would fit, but that they would make me feel like a princess at her coronation. Well, they don’t fit and I feel more like a witch at the stake, flaming feet first! (Weepy) It’s not fair. Don’t I get a chance to feel pretty? The shoes are everything Mom. I can’t wobble down the aisle. Not to mention, look at these blisters? These are.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-70
    YEARS OLD
    There’s a card in my wallet you should know about. On the card are specific instructions and a number to call. Call that number and SUNY will come for me. It’s all been pre-arranged. Just call the number and when SUNY asks what is this in reference to…say …this is most important… SHMUCK NUMBER ONE…SHMUCK NUMBER ONE is my password. I am SHMUCK NUMBER ONE. Me. Ken Schwartz. That’s my M.O. All my life it’s been. Like the time I bowled with the inventor of Sweet & Low and asked him for a job. He said, “Ken, what can you do for me?” (beat) “I don’t know,” I said. I felt like such .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    20-37
    YEARS OLD
    (Sitting at the cafe) Okay, okay, so you'll never guess who I slept with last night. Oh shit, I think I may have given it away… But oh my God, can you believe it? I know. It's so unlike me. I know it was my first date with Bob but we had such a connection. I knew when I first started talking to him in the bar that we were meant to be together. And let me tell.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-50
    YEARS OLD
    I’m so tired of this, Harry! You (quote fingers) “can’t believe I didn’t get you off?” REALLY? Well, let’s see. Maybe I wasn’t all that into sucking your toes. I mean, seriously, if you’re going to ask for that get a pedicure…at least. And I’m not thrilled with being asked ten times, every time we’re naked, if I’m impressed with “Thor the War Hammer,” especially given that Thor so rarely goes to battle. I mean, the sexual obstacle course I have to endure in the sl.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    Ya know, I’m all for organic. I really am. Eating healthy is the best thing for our bodies. Like putting premium gas into your car. You pay a bit more, but you’re getting good quality….except when you’re not. Since when is Veggie Booty a food group?? I found organic Ritz crackers in the “health food” store the other day. Do you know how much sodium is in a Ritz cracker? Why does the Ritz dude need to suddenly go green? Or how about organic potato chips? I found shel.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-40
    YEARS OLD
    VELMA: (TO AUDIENCE) My name is Velma, and it all happened one rainy afternoon. I locked the bedroom door. The cupcake was on the vanity. (SHE BEGINS TO RELIVE THE MOMENT AND TALK TO THE CUPCAKE) Hello cupcake, I’m Velma. Been on a diet for the last three months Velma. Getting married in two days Velma. Two pounds until my goal weight Velma. Going to eat you like a starving Grizzly Bear, Velma. (TO AUDIENCE) My fiancée then entered the room. To say I was surprised was an understatement. (RE-LIVING STEVE’S ENTRA.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    20-25
    YEARS OLD
    I’m a virgin. Yup! Shocker, right? My gynecologist thought so. Last week at my annual appointment, she asked the typical 20 questions during the exam. “Do you smoke?” NO. “Do you do drugs?” NO way. “Do you drink?” Occasionally. “Do you have a boyfriend?” Yes. “Are you practicing safe sex?” …. We haven’t had sex yet. Her mouth practically dropped to the floor. Now, I’m slightly drunk, otherwise there’s no way in HELL I would be telling you, a complete stranger, this very intimate information. I’m 22 years old, living in the 21st century, where everyone has sex at 16 years old, but I have yet to hav.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    I like being vulnerable. I know most people are scared of it, but I actually enjoy it. I enjoy being open. The possibility of being hurt doesn’t frighten me. The risk actually excites me in a way when I think about it. It’s a rush. To entrust someone with your heart. Don’t get me wrong, my heart.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC

    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Polly. Pretty Polly. Am I pretty? Tell me. Am I still pretty? Do I turn you on? (Flashes a leg) I'm needy, not always so needy, but I'm needy now. (Pause) Little things that I accepted without question now they question and I try to answer. (Pause) In the westerns they come at the end of the film. Charge! The bugle blows and the cavalry come charging over the hill with guns blazing and the others run away or get mown down in a hail of bullets but the trick is to keep talking because I watched to see what the victims would do and they closed their mouths, begged, cried or screamed out defiance but they stopped brea.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hey, hey, hey...Can you get any further into the crosswalk?! Hello, the crosswalk is for pedestrians...I am a pedestrian...You belong out there in the street, you stupid asshole. I stand over there on the sidewalk, also where pedestrians belong and I wait for the little white .......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1.5min
    28-38
    YEARS OLD
    What am I waiting for? Some guy to say I'm pretty and I have nice shoes and here's my number? No! I don't need anyone to tell me I'm great. I'm fine just the way I am. I have my own job, my own place and I have friends like you. So what do I need a man for? Someone who talks a good talk and says, “Oh, you're beautiful; oh, you're the best; yo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    8-15
    YEARS OLD
    What do I want to be when I grow up? Why? What could it possibly matter to you? Is that what you ask every kid you meet? I think I’ve heard that question 50 times just this week. I’ve started saying that I want to be a mortician, just to see the expression on their faces. They must.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    16-20
    YEARS OLD
    She’s repulsive. She smokes like twelve cigarettes every forty minutes. I know, because I counted…I couldn’t help it, it was fascinating. And she does this thing with her nose when she clearly thinks you’re saying something that she’s too good for. I mean I get that she’s got a really good job and an expensive gynecologist but come on!! Two y.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    14-17
    YEARS OLD
    Dude, I’m dead. My Mom’s going to come into my room tonight after she finds out and she’s going to kill me. And if that doesn’t stick, she’s going to put me on a plane and send me off to live with my Uncle Morris who smokes thirty cigars a day and showers once a month. I’m going to be his smelly little cigar boy. (Beat) Awwwe man, what the hell am I gonna do? This guitar cost her four thousand bucks! She only gave it to me two months before my birthday because she thinks I aced that calculus exam, but I really just turned.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC

    20-45
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, now I’m going to talk. I heard you. I have quietly considered your explanation. The problem is, I’m still stuck on one of the first things you said before your filibuster. You said (Shouting hysterically) “SURPRISE!” (Suddenly calm), which indicates that you recall our agreement and knew that this would be a magnificent shock. This is one of those moments you dream about, but such things never quite go the same as dreams. In my dreams I rarely become the (age)-year-old advertisement to teenagers for what NOT to do! PREGNANT?! Didn.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    1-2MIN
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    Tara: I was so fucking high, Jake. Oh man. It’s really not an uncommon story. I was just high. That’s all. And I did something seriously fucked up. ...Things weren’t going my way that day as usual and I needed another hit. Really, I hadn’t enough to begin with a.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Hi, it's so nice to meet you. Thank you. You look lovely as well. But um, let's go ahead and cut to the chase. Why waste years putting our best feet forward only to suffer the inevitable nervous breakdown when we get to know the "real” us? I wanna know your worst. What's the worst thing about you? Fine, I’ll start... I don't brush my teeth everyday. There's days when I'm running late and I gargle coffee and pop some bubble gum to make up for it. Speakin.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Don't shoot!! Don't shoot!! I know you want something from me, I can tell by the gun you are pointing at me but I feel I must tell you that the doctor just put drops in my ears and I can't hear a thing!!!! What??!! Yeah, see, nothing. I can't hear you right now!! I want to comply to your request so why don't you just gesture on what you want? (Loo.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC/
    DRAMATIC
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    (Billy, a hitman, drops a bullet in his rented room and tries not to panic or become paranoid as he tries to find it.) BILLY: Shit! Dropped one. Just a sec,’ I need to find the little bastard. (Stands) I think it rolled off the bed. Can’t see it. If I switch on the light it might make one of the guests suspicious. They might knock on the door. Even come in. There’s a new guest. She’s short with black hair and lots of mascara and lipstick… I think she's French. I hope she won't be staying long. Damn it! It's not under the bed. Where is it? I keep all the bullets locked in a suitcase with a small padlock. It's not.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE/
    FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    30-55
    YEARS OLD
    Listen, I busted my ass to bust your sorry ass, and I’m going to get answers. I don’t care if it’s “inconvenient,” Mr. Leland. A woman is dead, so you can wipe that cheesy smirk off your face. Do you think it was “inconvenient” for her sister to come down to the morgue to ID the body? You have obstructed this investigation at every turn and I will hold you in this interrogation room until you rot if I have to. We have an eyew.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1.5min
    30-50
    YEARS OLD
    WANDA: Sally! Stop eating the bread like that! It’s frightening how you eat food. Like a dog over his bowl. Anyhow, so I’m in the bathroom and this older lady bumps into me. I say: “Excuse You” with a little attitude- she’s for-sure from New York because she didn’t even notice. So then I sit there, minding my own business, reading on the stall wall how if I want a good time I can ca.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-40
    YEARS OLD
    Stop screaming! My head is killing me. Sorry guys, had way too much last night. I'm not sure if you guys drink or not but when you do go to Jimmy’s for the two for one shot special, tell them Liza sent you. We had quite a celebration last night. My cousin, Marie finally divorced her scum bag husband, Mike. I told her to drop him the second he star.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    15-25
    YEARS OLD
    Megan. Megan. Megan. Megan. MEGAN!! Sorry. But you didn’t answer the first four times, so that’s—that’s your fault. Anyways. Hi! I just need to ask you a quick—uh, thingy— a quick— thing—question. My god, I don't know why I'm so bad with the English language right now. I actually have an A+ in English, which is actually the highest grade in the.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    20-35
    YEARS OLD
    WILMA: (Holding one shoe.) You know why I don’t believe you Alexander? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say you love me? Do you know why I don’t believe you when you say I’m your angel? Because you never said any of those things to me before I.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC

    13-18
    YEARS OLD
    Okay, I will return this serve. I can do this. (shouts) I’M READY. (jumps out of the way of an imaginary ball). ARGG! I WASN’T READY. You have to wait a second after somebody says they’re ready. How can I be ready when I’m still talking? GIVE ME A SECOND, PLEASE. Okay, now I’m ready. (swings at ball) OOPS! SORRY. Oh, that was so lame. YES, I AM TRYING TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING YOU SHOWED ME. How was I supposed to absorb any of that with you standing so close to me? This was a bad idea. I look like an id.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    30-60
    YEARS OLD
    DARYL: Ah, my dearest Margaret… sweet, dearest, Margaret…When I was a child, my mother, who was a beautiful, wealthy, totally insane woman…She used to dress me up in a tiny little black suit, and take me to funerals. (Drinks.) She said I needed to learn about death while I was young. That way, it would hurt less when I got older. I soon came to realize that she wa.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    25-45
    YEARS OLD
    For fuck’s sake, Carson, so sorry I’m late. So many Starbucks and Juan, my building super, was pissed because I threw my empty 2% milk carton in the trash. Apparently, empty 2% milk cartons are not trash; they are recyclables. Well, I say, “Good for Juan!” Thank you, Juan, for educating my dumb ass. (Checking her iPhone as she speaks) Why can’t I see this screen? (Takes off shades and speaks into iPhone) Siri, text Juan: “I’m sorry.” Siri? For fuck’s sake, Siri is almost dead. Wher.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    DRAMATIC
    2min
    28-45
    YEARS OLD
    Yes, YES! I do. Okay? I want to surrender. I get it. I’m always moving and it’s just… I’ve never, I never… um… (Trying not to cry) It was just me. So, I had to protect me, and now I have to protect him. He’s just a baby and I’m broke. I pay the lawyer and my student loans, barely. I work and pump. I nurse and sleep, nurse and eat, and nurse and pee. (Crying) I clean our tiny apartment, grocery shop, change diapers and wonder why, if I’m this busy, haven’t I lost my baby tummy y.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    1min
    18-40
    YEARS OLD
    JANET: So, I decided to take up yoga. Yoga!!!! Yoga! Frank, are you deaf? Is yoga such a foreign word to you that your mind rejects it? That’s your problem Frank, you’re closed minded. This is what I’m learnin.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    Oh please, who does he think he’s fooling? She’s been in there for, like, an hour, almost. That is how long it takes to deliver a package? (towards closed door) We all know what kind of package you’re delivering. What kind of work environment is created when you know your boss is, like, doing the delivery girl? He thinks that because he gave me a raise and my own little office, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Yeah, whatever! I am so tempted to like, just call his new wife, Tiffany and spill the beans! She thinks t.......
    Price $3.99


  • MALE
    DRAMATIC

    18-30
    YEARS OLD
    You’re giving me orders? I had all I could handle of this in the Army. “O’Brian K.P.. O’Brian how come your shoes ain’t shined?” They make you feel guilty for being alive. They really do. Some of the guys may have fell for it. But not me. Not Kevin O’Brian. I wasn’t going to stand there and let myself be humiliated. After arriving at Fort Dix we had an inspection of the barracks. D.I. comes up to me. For no reason t.......
    Price $3.99


  • FEMALE
    COMEDIC
    2min
    13-16
    YEARS OLD
    A zit the size of a moon crater on the first day of class?! You have got to be kidding me! Maybe if I wear a bag over my head no one'll notice. How am I gonna make Bradley Thomas notice me looking like this? I look like a swamp creature from the deep! I wish the earth would swallow me whole. Oh, no. Just realized I’m wrong. He'll notice, all right - probably nickname me pizza face or something and it'll st.......
    Price $3.99